Tonight’s show has made me very, very crabby – odds are because I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe.  The people who usually stink did decently well, while the people who usually do decently well kinda stunk (except maybe Evan, but he’s so friggin’ safe it doesn’t really matter); the costumes sucked; the music sucked; and this two-score system sucked.  Let’s not even talk about the fact that Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta was sitting in the audience. I’m left with an overall feeling of SUCK. Not a happy camper…but let’s get on with it, I guess…

1.)    Evan & Anna – I actually wasn’t wowed by this tango – the choreo felt rather boring, and I am still getting a cold feeling from Evan.  He is improving each week, yes; but I am still not getting enough from him performance-wise.  Thought the choice of song was a bit ironic; wasn’t wild about the costumes, either.  But he didn’t foul up, and he got the highest scores of the night – and like Heidi, I am still fairly certain he is getting the biggest piece of the voting pie.  I don’t think they’ll get the encore for a second week in a row (I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be either Pam or Chad), but I sincerely doubt they’re even remotely close to being in danger…so you can rest your Twitter finger this week, Evan

 2.)    Pam & Damian – Ok, I’m putting it out there: these two are my faves this season.  I was so proud of Pam this week (and not just because she was wearing a shirt from Express that I also happen to own ) – she managed to wow the judges without being over-the-top sexy, and even managed pull out a sort of subtle vulnerability.  Granted, her rumba may not have been as difficult as Nicole’s, and her hair is still obscuring her face; but I found myself enjoying it the most out of all the rumbas because it felt sincere.  And while I hated most of the costumes tonight, I would have to say Pam’s is the one I would be most likely to don myself – she looked very pretty. Add to that the magical powers of the money spot (for the second time this season…hmmmm), and I’d say these two are pretty safe this week – and will hopefully get the encore

  3.)    Nicole & Derek – Oh dear Heidi, I’m afraid your suspicions about Nicole “throwing cold water” all over that rumba weren’t unwarranted – something was seriously wrong with homegirl tonight.  Perhaps nervous about giving everyone the “wrong idea”? Whatever it was, it managed to make what could have been a really good rumba just ok.  She seemed really hesitant with her hip action and almost uncomfortable looking Derek in the eye; but I was really impressed by her demonstrations of flexibility and that managed to redeem her a bit for me.  Definitely felt a lot more heat from Derek than from her on this one – but are we really that surprised? I think they’ll be safe this week, but hopefully they’ll get something really up-tempo (and not the least bit intimate) next week to help them climb back up the leaderboard.

4.)    Chad & Cheryl – Ugh.  I wanted to hate this rumba soooo much.  And while I still think it was really, really tacky – the feathers, the man-handling, all that god-awful fabric – Chad did improve, and these two are still riding high on the showmance gravy train.  I saw more coverage of this odd couple this week than any other couple on the show, and they’re still playing awfully coy about the whole thing, throwing out the  “are we or aren’t we?” card whenever they can.  Blech.  These two aren’t going home this week…thanks again Bengals fans, and thanks to you showmance fans too…now excuse me while I barf. 

5.)    Jake & Chelsie – Remember last season when Aaron & Karina danced a quickstep with Muppets? Well, from the way Jake was cheesing during this tango, I felt like maybe the Muppets had come back for another cameo this season.  Cracked me UP.  In all honesty, though, I actually thought he did pretty damn good (even better than Erin) – up until the part where he tripped.  TWICE.  Oy.  But he did get a pretty good song, which seemed to help, and his fans will rally this week after last week’s scare.  Enjoy your free pass this week, Jakey. 

6.)    Erin & Maks – Big disappointment this week.  Erin was the most awkward I’ve seen her all season – worse even than her cha-cha on the first night.  She’s still really struggling with her frame, and tonight’s “sexy times” with Maks didn’t feel steamy & alluring like they did during last week’s waltz – they just felt fake & forced.  Kind of surprising coming off the tails of their lovey-dovey spread in People last week.  I thought Maks did a good job of putting a lot of “meaty” tango content into the routine, but all-in-all, it all just kinda fell flat for me.  Even the costume – I loathe gowns with built-in gloves.  No help from running order either – they got stuck in the crap spot. I’m gonna say these two are PROBABLY okay this week, based on a few residual sympathy votes from Erin’s continued death threats (*yawn*) and of course, the magazine attention – but I’m crossing my fingers that they give Erin another Latin dance next week (samba, perhaps?) that she can use to bounce back. 

7.)    Niecy & Louis – Niecy, Niecy, Niecy.  I am just always left wanting a little bit more from your performances.  Yet another night where you had such simple choreography, yet still managed to get lost in the emotion of the dance.  Please, for your sake & mine, let’s hope you get a fun, flirty dance next week where you don’t have to show any sort of deep-seated emotion.  I mean, you’re not bad, but you’re not great, either – if you don’t pick up the pace, you may take Chad’s place as the most disappointing cast member this season for me.  I think there’s a slight chance these two could be in danger, but I’m gonna cross my fingers that the bottom two this week are correct… 

8.)    Kate & Tony – What better way for you to start the lead-in package than whining & complaining some more, Kate? I swear, I see a little more of Tony die each time I see him interacting with this infernal woman.  While Kate wasn’t completely unbearable to watch this week (I will admit, she did move around just a tiny bit more in the tango than in the paso), she still was a brick wall emotionally, and looked as though she would rather be anywhere but back on the dance floor again.  Hate to say it, Kate, but even Adam Lambert couldn’t inject any feeling into that tango.  I still want to see her go home – but everytime I predict that she does, she sticks around another week.  So, in a desperate act of reverse psychology, I’m going to predict that you DON’T go home, hoping that the opposite in fact occurs.  See? Perfect logic at work there  

9.)    Aiden & Edyta – Who did these two piss off in order to get the crappiest rumba song of the night? It certainly didn’t do them any favors, as Aiden still needs all the help he can get out there on the floor – he’s still the most awkward mover this season, and let’s face it – he was still just a prop out there, with Edyta gyrating around him.  Now don’t get me wrong, I really like the guy, and there are certain nameless people I would much rather see go home than him.  But I don’t think even the power of All My Children is going to save him this week after that non-event of a rumba.  Then again, he (hopefully) might just end up in danger, only to have his fans rally next week and keep him around a bit longer.  Here’s to believing in reverse psychology – get thee to a nunnery, Kate!

 Ugh.  I need to go lay down now, after such a crummy & disappointing night of dancing.  Are you guys equally as disappointed, or do I just need a nightcap? HOLLER!