This week, it was nearly all the performance show. And there were almost too many things to comment on.
Funniest Tom One-liner –“ Welcome to the fabric remnant showroom” (paraphrasing)
Heidi: Don’t drink red wine when you have light colored furniture.
Courtney: …lest it become one of Edyta’s costumes. Unless you’re Chad & Cheryl, in which case your costumes are made from the pantyhose I used to wear when I was a Hooters girl.
Most Stupid-assed, Cheesy Opening Segment – Buzz is blasted off from about mid-thigh up, out of the picture.
Heidi: Are you f@*king kidding me? Not only was that one of the cheesiest, stupidest things I’ve seen on this show, it’s also freakin’ disrespectful. The man is 80, and a damn astronaut. You people are pissing me off.
Courtney: If this is going to be a recurring theme during the intro, what the hell are they gonna do with the other celebs eliminated? Evan triple-lutzing out of the frame? Pam running away in slow-mo? If they’re gonna offend, they may as well be equal-opportunity offenders.
Most Snicker-worthy Production Screwup – Yeah, that double scoring scoreboard didn’t work so well on the first dance – it previewed the first dancer’s second score long before the judges had a chance to whip out their paddles. Took them a couple dances to fix it too.
Heidi: Is it mean that I always laugh when they mess that stuff up?
Courtney: Not at all – if they’re going to do something as dumb as doing 2 scores, then they may as well mess it up while they’re at it. They must have really been having issues when Evan was getting his scores, because they didn’t even use that silly chart.
Most likely to moonlight as a Victoria’s Secret model – Nicole Scherzinger, Kym Johnson, & Edyta Sliwinska. (3-way tie)
Heidi: So, Nicole’s walking down the stairs with Derek and I thought that perhaps she had bought new boobs since the last show. Then I remember the miracle bra – mainly because I saw Kym Johnson wearing that and nearly nothing else, right after pondering Nicole’s situation(s).
Courtney: If I had a body half as good as these three, I would seriously go naked all day long. Maybe throw on some negligee to go to the grocery store or something. But I did notice that Nicole’s “ladies” were looking extra perky, and then noted how big of a difference there was in Edyta’s cleavage between the lead-in package to their actual performance. God bless the Miracle Bra!
Most Ridiculous Studio Decoration – The “HOT HOT HOT!!” flashing neon sign
Heidi: It’s a bad sign that when you have to hang a sign that states what you’re hoping the dances will convey on their own. What, were they afraid we wouldn’t get it?? Oh, wait…
Courtney: There are only 3 places in this world where neon flashing signage is actually effective: cheap casinos, bail bonds offices, and strip clubs. Last I checked, DWTS was not any of those 3 establishments. Well…2 out of 3…not gonna lie, I have had the urge to “tuck a buck” from time to time while watching the show
The “Heidi is Sick of Gimmicks” Cheese Award – the sob story for votes.
Heidi: Broken toes. Traveling while training. Dead relatives. Hurt back. Whaa whaa whaa – Evan double dips as two of those are his. Dude, spamming for votes AND two sob stories? No, he wasn’t really whining, but I’m with Erin – my favorites are those who get hurt and you never see any evidence of it on camera. Mark Ballas, for example, tore the hell out of his knee and danced on it without broadcasting it before the results show. Derek did the same thing two seasons in a row – and was photographed wearing a heating pad on his shoulder last week. While they were pimping the hell out of Melissa Rycroft’s ribs, Lil’ Kim had the exact same injury and we didn’t hear about it.
Courtney: If they’re in that much pain, I say they just start downing Vicodin a la Dr. House and then, after DWTS, they can do Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. It’s a two-fer! Totally, totally kidding. If you’re gonna whine repeatedly, you may as well just withdraw.
Best unintentional innuendo – Derek Hough, “This is my Love Hand.”
Heidi: :::spew::: Thank you, Baby Jesus. Dude. Right handed, eh? Visualizing, I’m visualing…I’m a bad girl. Even funnier was him realizing what he said, about 5 seconds too late.
Courtney: While he is indeed yummy, I don’t really wanna think about where that hand has been, hehe. I’d rather see Tony Dovolani’s “Hate Hand”, whereby he sticks a certain finger in Kate’s face after he’s just had enough of her nagging, complaining, and crying.
Most Egregious Vote Whore – Evan Lysacek. (Dis)honorable Mention – Pam Anderson.
Heidi: Bad, bad Evan. It really sucks when the Olympian shoe-in is the worst about pimping himself for votes. I can at least understand Pam, since she actually hit the bottom two a couple weeks back.
Courtney: Evan is just kinda altogether annoying me right now, between the vote whoring and the whining about the toes. I’m gonna give Pam the “get out of jail free” card for the week, since she is prolly still reeling from being in the bottom 2 the first week. Plus I have a heterosexual woman-crush on her. Viva la Pam!
Best Use of a Prop We Never Thought We’d See Again - Jeff Ross’ rhinestone eye patch, worn by Aiden in the “Double O-Chocinco” fake trailer.
Courtney: Seriously, wardrobe must have peed their pants with excitement when they got to pull this out of storage. And the fact that it was worn by one of Edyta’s former partners (who happened to scratch his cornea) before being worn by Aiden (who got elbowed in the eye by Edyta during their foxtrot) is just an eerie coincidence…or is it?
Heidi: (tangent) Derek and his love hand and an eye patch………visualizing, I’m visualizing…..
Most Ironic Song Choice – “Wait a Minute” by the Pussycat Dolls for Evan’s tango
Courtney: You happen to choose a song by the group that your biggest competition on the show was the lead singer of…coincidence, or strategy?
Heidi: Or producers who are sick f@#ks. I pick door number 2, Monty. Seriously, they aren’t having much opportunity to pick their own songs this year. See, Nicole’s Jive, and her upcoming Tango (to Pretty Woman?? Fer REAL???)
Most Unexpected Chemistry - Chelsie and Damian during their dance to Sade
Courtney: I was very pleasantly surprised by Damian especially this week, after complaining about “knowing nothing about him” after last week’s show. He had a great rumba with Pam, and then a lovely, dramatic performance with Chelsie. Forget about rumors of Chelsie and Mark dating and Chelsie and Derek dating – I wouldn’t mind seeing Chelsie and Damian together!
Heidi: Who’s Damian?? You mean there is a guy dancing with Pam? You don’t say!! Fer a straight girl, I have a very hard time looking away from Pam. Seriously, finally we get a glimpse at Damian – he’s been a shadow up to now.
Tackiest “Love Props” - the heart pillows in the Celebraquarium, with (dis)honorable mentions for the feathers on the stage for Chad and Cheryl’s rumba and the grapes that Erin was dangling in the guys’ faces
Courtney: Those damn pillows reminded me of this tacky no-tell motel on the edge of town that has heart-shaped vibrating beds with satin sheets. And the fact that the celebs and pros alike were tossing them around ALL NIGHT LONG was just obnoxious. As was Erin dangling grapes in Maks and Jake’s faces (although I give her props for throwing one at Evan, hehe) and Chad and Cheryl collapsing into a big pile of goose down in the middle of the stage, which served no choreographic purpose other than to look romantic. We GET it, guys: it’s rumba and tango night. But do you really need pillows, feathers, and grapes to convey that???
Heidi: Of course they don’t need all that stuff, if it were just THEM. But us real stoopid people who sit at home with our hands in the front of our pants, belching might have missed all the passion floating around. That said, I too give Erin points for throwing a grape at Evan’s head. I also applaud anyone throwing a pillow at anyone else’s head as a way of saying, “Shut the f*&K up.”