DWTS Season 10, Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!

It was a Cheesy, sometimes annoying week, this week. :-) But there is one huge bright spot – no more Kate. But there’s also a dim spot – no more Kate. :-) Beware, Courtney and I weren’t in the best of moods when we wrote these. ;-)

Most Interesting Movie Theme Selection: Armageddon for Evan and Anna
Heidi: So, producers. Armageddon, eh? What exactly are you trying to say? ;-) Evan the asteroid?
Courtney: *pouting* I would have enjoyed it so much more if it was an overwrought, tacky homage to Top Gun. I had such high hopes! Haha. But yes, this was a bit peculiar – and kind of a hard movie to convey in that rumba. What where they supposed to do, have Anna hurling herself across the stage at Evan like some sort of asteroid about to hit the dance floor? And in the same token – how were Niecy & Louis supposed to convey “La Bamba” in their dance? Dress Louis up like Lou Diamond Phillips?

Best “Heidi was right” moment – Armageddon!!
Heidi: My brain finally came through on one. ;-)
Courtney: Props, m’dear…but I swear, someone is going to use “Take My Breath Away” one of these seasons, count on it!!

Best Len/Tom Interaction – Re: Chad. Len: “This is a dance competition”. Tom: “Not for him it isn’t.”
Heidi: Tom Bergeron, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Way too many one-liners tonight.
Courtney: Tom, you are oh-so-wise. But if it’s not a dance competition for Chad…what exactly is it? A “get in Cheryl’s pants the fastest” contest? A “see how much sports-related trash talking you can do in the off-season” competition? Please…put him on blast, Mr. Bergeron ;-)

Most Delightful Temper Tantrum – Maks jumping up and down during his pre-jive package with Erin
Heidi: Dude, way to channel your inner two year old – WAY more fun than the meanie weenie. ;-) I giggle the whole time – and I was rooting for HIM, which is a change.
Courtney: I think Maks may have met his match in Erin…the girl gets under his skin in the best way. She’s reduced him from a man of such arrogance & bravado to a pouting toddler. LOVE IT.

Most Nonsensical Prop – Maks’ menu.
Heidi: Why? That had nothing to do with the movie dance – and you slowed down the tempo which is cheating on the Jive, in addition to using a prop for just as many bars as Damian did.
Courtney: Somewhere, Quentin Tarantino is having a seizure…not only did they foul up with the color of Erin’s hair (and the lack of a ponytail on Maks, AHEM), but they used a very, very minor part of the original movie scene to skirt around doing a full-speed jive for the whole routine. I would have been more impressed if he was dancing around drinking a “$5 milkshake” ;-)

Most Distracting Accessory – Jake’s Bandaids
Heidi: For the love of God, Jake, if you’re going to dance in your underwear, man up and lose the bandaids. I think they might even have had dinosaurs on them. Or little planes.
Courtney: Or Hello Kitty. Or maybe even custom ones with Vienna’s face on them. Wait…maybe that’s a little too weird…Vienna on his knees…gah. At least he managed to get those pants on quickly to cover them up.
Heidi: I feel dirty now. Thanks.

Most Horrifying Dress – Kate.
Heidi: Sweet jesus, can you get any more colors on that dress? And what was it supposed to mean??? If you’re taking the time to write on a chalkboard for your movie theme, at least dress the woman like Molly Ringwald circa 1980’s.
Courtney: I’m just pissed that it was more akin to the dreadful pink number that Molly wore to the prom at the end of Pretty in Pink, and the song was from the Breakfast Club. But yes, it was an eyesore – kinda like a watercolor palette exploded in the wardrobe room – but so was her dancing. So I guess it kind of fit.

Tom Bergeron LOL Line O’ the Night - Regarding Kate Gosselin: “8 little friends just stripped Bruno’s car”
Heidi: Bwahahaha…OMG. The man can think on his feet like no one else – and the imagery of those little kids all over Bruno’s car, tearing parts off, all the while snarling like little animals. LOL
Courtney: Dunno what’s scarier: the thought of those 8 little rugrats wreaking havoc on Bruno’s stylish little European 2-seater like some thugs out of Grand Theft Auto, or the thought of Mama Gosselin goading them on: “C’mon, babies! Show Bruno what happens when he talks bad about mama’s dancing!”

Best Prat Fall – Derek Hough, “Whoo Hoo…” CRASH!!!!!!!!!
Heidi: I swear, he does that on purpose but he makes it look real. It’s oddly funny every time. The dork. :-)
Courtney: Still trying to figure out if he meant to do it or not…it looks like he may have planned to do something crazy, but maybe went at it with too much force and ended up sprawled on the floor laughing instead. Either way, I got a chuckle out of it.
Heidi: I think Tom gets a kick out of it too: “Derek Hough: The Buster Keaton of DWTS” LOL

Most On-Show Pimpage – TIE: Evan (skating, traveling) & Kate (using her kids for votes)
Heidi: Evan’s really wasn’t up to him, or his fault per se, although it makes me wonder why they are making a fuss about him traveling while performing. It certainly isn’t the first time, and for someone as experienced as he is, no hardship either. He signed up knowing that was going to be the case. So what’s the deal?? Soap Stars did it. Niecy does it. Donny Osmond did it. As did countless others – at least one every season, as I recall. But what I don’t recall is them making a big deal out of Donny doing it (of course, he had ET to do it FOR him) or hardly anyone else, either. In any case, Kate’s was much more egregious – can you use children for votes any more blatantly than she did?That was horrible. (Note: It might also have been what got her kicked off, that and her witchier than normal behavior – she finally went too far.)
Courtney: The “I love you!” to her kids was getting more & more forceful each week – kinda getting scary, actually. Like she was subliminally saying “Listen up, America! I LOVE MY KIDS! I DESERVE VOTES!!!” Yikes. Not faulting the woman for loving her kids – but she doesn’t need to exploit it for votes. Evan…*sigh* I’m done even trying to talk about his ringership. But apparently the show isn’t…although I must point out Adam’s comment about Evan’s spins: “Gee, wonder where he learned how to do that? HE’S A PROFESSIONAL ICE DANCER, PEOPLE!” Hmmm, that doesn’t sound like Adam pointing out a correlation between dancing and skating now, does it? ;-)

Most Improvement by a Non-Contestant: Brooke Burke
Heidi: I gotta give it up to Brooke; I noticed she was much better Monday night. More at ease, more prepared or something. I heard no loud gonging sounds or groans after she spoke. I think she’s starting to get into the job.
Courtney: That, or they have someone in her ear telling her exactly what to say verbatim. But yes, I agree – she’s improved. No more awkward comments about cheesecake. :-)

The Human Thesaurus Award – Niecy Nash, for rattling off as many synonyms for “horseplay” as she could think of
Courtney: Shenanigans…antics…tom foolery…carrying on…funny business…hijinx…
Heidi: …foolishness….crap, I got nuthin’ else. :-)

The “Adam Corrolla Should be on Every Week!” Award: Julianne stuck this thing under my butt and told me to “pedal, monkey!!” Or how about his razzing of Evan for of course knowing how to spin. Like, DUH!!
Heidi: I think Adam is a riot and he, along with those Dance Center guys, should be on more often. And the Evan thing was a nice counterpoint to the previous night’s pimpage. Not sure I want to know about Julianne sticking things under his butt, though. Plus, I also thought he was Jewish. Go figure. :-)
Courtney: AMEN ON ALL COUNTS. Between Tom & Adam, we have a voice of reason on this show.

Most Incoherent Critique of a Contestant’s Dancing: Carrie Ann comparing Kate’s foxtrot to the teacher from Charlie Brown
Courtney: I KIND OF understood what she was saying, but she choose a really awkward metaphor for it. Couldn’t she have said “Nothing about your dance was really defined”, instead of spouting off a chorus of “Wuh wuh wuh WUHH”? And then the whole “SUPERSTAR!!!” thing with Derek & Nicole – did she throw back a couple of cosmopolitans before the show?
Heidi: Ummmm…..Cosmos. You know, there are times that I think you and I are the only ones old enough to drink around here. :-) I think she meant that when she watches Kate dance, she sort of drifts off into La La land and doesn’t really see the dance anymore. She’s, like, seeing Tony naked or something. Or am I the only one with that problem?

Most Interesting Freudian Slip: Cheryl Burke – “Chad isn’t happy unless I’m always coddling/cuddling him”
Courtney: Hehe…she may have aimed for “coddling”, but it sure sounded an awful lot like “cuddling”…
Heidi: I heard fondling. Must have been the beer.

Best Wardrobe Malfunction: Chelsie popping out of her dress during the encore performance of Jake’s cha-cha
Courtney: Maybe mine eyes were deceiving me – but didn’t it seem like Jake was trying to use his head to cover up Chelsie’s boobs? What a helper. LOL
Heidi: Pretty sure Vienna is packing heat. If he’s not careful, he’ll get his “helper” shot off. Risky Business indeed.

And thus another week of Cheesecake Awards are concluded. Please, DWTS, try to give us more exciting material next time, would ya? We KNOW you’ve got it in you. :-)