Alas, I think Heidi & I’s mojo came back this week Because we’ve got some fun ones! Now Miss Heidi is actually away on a business trip for a few days, and was unable to catch last night’s results show – so I basically had to fill her in as we went along. Please forgive the wordiness – this is verbatim what was going on via email today between Heidi & I. But I promise – it’s funny wordiness NOW LET THEM EAT (CHEESE)CAKE!
The “Wow…AWKWARD MOMENT!” Award: Jake’s tearful departure, (dis)honorable mention for Maks’ outburst against Len
Courtney: Now while I was sure it couldn’t get much more uncomfortable than witnessing the tense confrontation between Maks & Len, then Jake turned on the waterworks…
Heidi: Wait, WHAT?! Jake CRIED?! There’s no crying in Ballroom!
Courtney: Yep, like a baby. And it wasn’t just like his eyes welling up – it was full-on tears running down his face. He told Chelsie he loved her. Vienna looked like she was about to pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him.
Heidi: Oh wow…that is cheesey. There were many instances on the Bachelor where I thought he looked really teary-eyed. I thought it was his contacts. I guess not.
Courtney: But I will say that Erin looked terribly uncomfortable as Maks was cutting Len off and generally not taking his critique well. Poor girl looked like she wanted to fade into the hardwood of the floor.
Heidi: Which would be quite impossible in her Muppet dress. All those purple feathers would suffocate her.
Best Argument for Chewing Your Food 22 Times Before Swallowing: Louis’ cookie consumption problem during Niecy’s Argentine Tango
Courtney: The good news – the cookie didn’t detract from the performance. The bad news – Louis nearly choked on it getting his critique from the judges. I wonder if the fabulous Tom Bergeron knows the Heimlich Maneuver. Who am I kidding? Tom Bergeron knows EVERYTHING
Heidi: I’m sorry, I hated the cookie AND the rose and the whole concept of eating during an AT. I must be old fashioned – I like my ATs hot, sexy and passionate, not…crumby.
Courtney: At least he ate the cookie at the end. I’m thankful he didn’t pull a Cookie Monster & nom-nom-nom-nom throughout the entire performance!
Least Effective Excuse for Dancing Poorly: Jake “not having his dollar”
Courtney: Ugh. Lesson to be learned: Bruno’s fauxmances with male contestants are often flings. If he tucks a buck one week – don’t expect him to do it again the next. He’s a fickle creature.
Heidi: Word to the wise, Jake – don’t try flirting with people of the same gender. Fail. Actually, you weren’t that good at flirting with women either.
Most Versatile Costume: Pam’s lingerie-inspired tango dress
Courtney: It was sexy. If I were her, I’d sure as hell dance the tango in it, and then wear it to bed…with a friend. Or to a photo shoot with Maxim (the mag, not the pro). Hell, I’d wear it to the grocery store! Warm up the frozen food aisle! Not quite sure how I feel about the brunette wig, though…
Heidi: That wig was too straggly, or haggy – is that a word? But yeah, the dress was awesome.
Courtney: Maybe haggard? I dunno…but I didn’t quite understand the necessity of it. Just to mix things up? If so, I would have rather seen them paint her own hair dark like they did Anna D.’s last season, instead of that unflattering rug on her head.
Heidi: Or just a dark wig that was smooth and not so ratty looking.
Best Impersonation of a Mannequin: Chad during his tango
Courtney: He’s tall. He’s stiff. He’s got a blank expression. Are we sure Cheryl wasn’t dancing with one of the men’s costume dummies from the wardrobe department? One of the wheeled ones? Cause it certainly looked like that’s what Cheryl was pushing around the floor.
Heidi: You remember that cheesy movie Mannequin? How whenever other people were around, she would freeze in to a mannequin from being animate? Yeeaaahhh, Chad.
Courtney: LOL the one with Kim Cattrall? Len must be a huge fan of it, which is why he enjoyed Chad’s tango so much…it’s the only rational explanation!
Worst Choice for Overplayed Practice Session Footage: The ad infinitum replay of Evan hitting his head
Courtney: Not sure what they were trying to accomplish by playing it over and over – trying to create drama? Trying to drum up sympathy for Evan? Trying to educate the masses on the dangers of swing lifts? The only thing it accomplished was giving me a headache.
Heidi: And then they trash his performance (irrationally)? So between the multiple head crunches and the thrashing he got by the judges – well, maybe he’s not getting the votes they want him to get? I find that very hard to believe, actually. But why else would they do that?
Courtney: Maybe Evan ate all the cheesecake on the craft services table and this was their revenge. HA!
Most Allergy-Inducing Costume: Erin‘s lavender-feathered samba dress
Courtney: If watching Evan hit his head repeatedly gave me a headache, then seeing Erin’s dress made me sneeze – I’m terribly allergic to real feathers. Especially ostrich ones, which is what the entire skirt of that dress was made out of.
Heidi: I just didn’t like that dress at all – the color was good on her, but all that flesh toned fabric was just bad – super cheesy. Maybe it’s not a good thing that I have HD? Because none of that was actually sheer so it just looked tacky.
Courtney: Gah…I hate when they pull out the pantyhose fabric! Made the top of the dress look like a skating costume, and the bottom was wayyyy to full for a Latin dance. Would have been better suited to a foxtrot. Wait, I totally spaced the fact that the celebs got to design they & their partner’s costumes this week! So that means…Erin actually came up with that dress herself??! Eee gad.
Most Overrated Prop: The 7 paddle, (dis)honorable mention for lack of shirts on men
Courtney: What is with the judges and giving 7’s this season??? I wish one of the production staff members would steal it and watch them freak out. And I’m just getting tired of shirts getting torn off or ripped open – it was cool once. Now it’s just getting cliche.
Heidi: I have nothing against half naked men. What bugs the shit out of me is half naked men who KNOW Len is a shit about that stuff and who gripe and complain about it anyway. Dude, you know Len hates that, don’t be dissing Len in the media (calling him too old to judge) because you did something you KNOW he hates. That’s just stupid. Man up and hide behind your partner awaiting punishment like Derek did last season.
Courtney: You have a valid point there, m’dear. Maybe that’s what’s bugging me more than the actual shirts coming off – hearing Len bitch & moan. Ugh.
Most in Need of Psychiatric Evaluation: Len, (dis)honorable mention for crazy Bengals fan
Courtney: I think Len’s evil alter ego Sven was out in full force this week – he was here, there, and everywhere with his critiques. And just all-around crabby. As for the Bengals fan that claimed the Chad was “the best dancer on the show!”…as a football fan from the Midwest, I can attest that he unfortunately does represent a pretty good cross-section of Bengals fans. They’re uber-supportive of their boys in orange, but a little crazy at times…
Heidi: The Browns fans are worse. As for Len, well, see my numbers post. I think I’m all ranted out where he’s concerned.
Courtney: Ohhh the Browns…why is it that the worse the team is, the more rabid their fans are? I would hate to see the kind of pandemonium that would occur if a member of the Lions or *gulp* the Raiders did the show…eeek!
The “Say WHAT?!” Award: Nicole’s “Aaaaaghhh!” and “Holy mother of…AIR!” comments, (dis)honorable mention for Erin’s “geeked up” comment
Courtney: Nicole had a little bit of verbal diarrhea this week, I’m afraid – the frustrated noise she made during practice left me a little bit scared, and I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the “Holy mother of air” comment…is that seriously the best she could come up with on the fly? And as for the “geeked up” comment – I’m not sure that was the best choice of words, Erin…go look it up on Urban Dictionary…
Heidi: I think maybe I need to look it up in the urban dictionary. As for Nicole, at least she only slams herself. I loved Derek telling her she was being stupid though, because she was – she needs Derek to do that more often because the serious circles under her eyes mean she’s losing sleep, which will make her too sensitive. She needs a visit from Crazy Derek who will give her a good, metaphorical, slap.
Courtney: Go look it up…kind of a big “whoops” on her part, if she didn’t know what it meant. But I loved Derek’s face as Nicole was getting upset…it kind of ran the gamut of “What the hell is she talking about?” to “Oh she’s such a silly girl!” to “I have absolutely no clue what to say.”
Heidi: He definitely had a “girls are so stupid” moment. You know when he gets that WTF? look on his face and starts laughing at your face, it’s a bad sign.
The Lifty McLiftertons Award: Chelsie
Courtney: This girl does RIDICULOUS lifts – no wonder they’ve been using her almost every week in the pro dances! While I had seen her do a few lifts in routines when she was on SYTYCD, I had no idea her prowess extended much further…she’s like a monkey, those long lines and no fear of heights! She may not be competing with a celeb anymore this season, but I doubt she’s gonna be totally absent from results shows, with skills like that…I’m sure John will agree
Heidi: What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t see the results show, remember? But I imagine it would be easy to throw a ten pound toothpick with hair in to the air.
Courtney: Oops! Sorry Heidi…yah, Chelsie was doing all sorts of crazy lifts with Tony during Melissa Ethridge’s first performance. Maks & Anna were dancing at the same time, but you barely noticed them because everything they were doing looked small and ho-hum compared to Chelsie’s acrobatics. Edyta also had one really good lift during she & Alec’s performance during “Come to My Window”.
Heidi: Ahhhh, I see. Yeah, Chelsie is a lot like Julianne in that respect – remember a couple seasons ago when Jules danced with Tony and did some crazy ass lifts?? Amazing shit.
Courtney: She’s definitely taken over as the “master liftee” since Julianne’s departure. And Tony seems to be the master lifter…you ever noticed that none of the other guys really do the same heavy-duty lifting that Tony does? Dmitry is probably a close second, but they don’t feature him nearly as much as Tony.
The Relapse Award: Brooke telling Pam (and America) that she was dancing the samba next week…when she is really dancing the waltz
Courtney: Now I’m not sure if someone was telling her the wrong thing on the teleprompter or if she maybe confused Pam with another contestant, but Pam definitely got a bit of a funny look on her face when Brooke said samba. God bless Pam, she just rolled with it, and even gestured to Evan and said “Samba…that’s what you did, right? Looks like fun!” Whatever happened, it was definitely a little bit of a “D’oh!” moment, and I felt like Brooke regressed a bit. But she’s still miles ahead of the cheesecake comment!
Alas, it was a good week for cheesecake Did you guys think of any that we may have forgotten? Let’s hear ‘em! And everyone wish Heidi a safe & happy return from her travels