*Cough* *Cough* Excuse me…*cough* Sorry, I just – *cough* *clears throat* I apologize, I was just choking on all the smoke that the judges were blowing up some of the couples’ asses tonight.  That, and the producers trying to shove Evan down my throat at every opportunity they could.

 Heidi and I were in agreement – tonight’s show kinda pissed us off (at least when Heidi could see the show – her power kept going out, poor girl!).  Once again, there were whipping girls (Nicole & Pam, primarily) and golden girls (Erin & Niecy), and both of the guys got a thorough tongue bathing by the judges tonight – they just loved the heck out of both Chad & Evan.  But hey, guess it was time to shuffle around the praise and the punishment – they have to avoid the appearance of storyboarding! Oh wait…too late. Anyway…I guess I had better get on with it…

 1.)    Evan & Anna – Really no surprise here – Heidi called it when she predicted these two would be back in a big way this week, whether they deserved it or not – and what better way to make it back to the top than with the first perfect 30 of the season? It was a good Argentine tango, I’ll give them that; but I don’t think it was 30-worthy – it seemed like Anna doing most of the work, with Evan doing a good job of “being there” for her.  I still say the closest to perfect we’ve come this season was Derek & Nicole’s standard tango.  I’m glad Evan is back at the top of the board neck-and-neck with Nicole, really I am…but really? A 30? Seems a little too…perfect.  But I guess they at least gave the impression of leveling the playing field when they gave the team cha-cha to Team Gaga, which conveniently tied Evan & Nicole for the top spot…hmmm. Oh-em-gee, it really is a nail-biter, isn’t it? Oh well…these two are safe, and always have been, and always will be. Dangit Evan, why you gotta be such a nice guy?

 2.)    Nicole & Derek – Ok, I will admit, Nicole did seem a little distracted during her waltz this week.  Granted, it really was lovely (the spin at the end was especially beautiful), but I almost felt a part of her just wasn’t really present in the dance.  But I don’t think Erin’s quickstep was as good at Nicole’s waltz, by any means…but again, some heavy-duty storyboarding going on here, trying to give the impression of it being “anyone’s game”.  These two were the obvious high point of Team Gaga, and Nicole seemed to fare better than the two couples who had already done cha-cha. I’m beginning to think these two will be safe all the way to the finals, for the simple reason that they’re trying to create the impression that Evan & Nicole (and now Erin, to some degree) are all vying very closely for the top spot.  And if they get sent home – really, what are they gonna do? Try and make Chad out to be the “dark horse”? Hehe.

 3.)    Erin & Maks – Aaaaaand the bickering continues between these two.  And the removal of clothes.  And the messy footwork & wonky arms.  But hey, we the audience don’t know a thing about ballroom dancing, so the judges must be right – these two MUST be as good as Nicole & Derek! (Did you catch the sarcasm there?) I’m sorry, but scoring a quickstep where the first 15 seconds consisted of the couple fumbling to remove clothing (and where the celeb makes a glaring mistake while the camera is on her) the same as a waltz where there were maybe 2 small missteps just seems criminal.  I honestly don’t quite know why Maks is so insistent on stripping during his routines – if he focused more on actual steps, I think he’d lessen the risk of Erin getting flustered and off-time.  But again, what we’re witnessing here is the judges building their ideal top 3 – what better way to create suspense than 3 ringers duking it out for the trophy? However, I wouldn’t be shocked if these two ended up in a “shocker” bottom 2 – not getting eliminated, but put there to create suspense. Gotta keep us viewers on our toes!

 4.)    Chad & Cheryl – I’m gonna put it out there: no one will send Cheryl home the day after her birthday. I just don’t see it happening.  Even if this was one of the most kindergarten Viennese waltzes I’ve ever seen, with Cheryl doing most of the work again.  If they’re trying to paint Chad as the dark horse this season, it’s not working – from what I could see on Twitter & Facebook, I’m not the only one that thought Chad was suspiciously overscored again.  He was lucky to end up on Team Gaga, and that Cheryl managed to create a solo where he could spend most of the time swaggering around doing turns like we know he loves to.  I’m not really even sure these two will end up in the bottom 2 – I think the judges did a pretty good job of securing his safety with the overscoring, plus there are just a heck of a lot of maniacal Bengals fans out there that are probably using every pay phone in Cincy to dial in their votes.

 5.)    Pam & Damian – Poor Pam.  She really seemed exceptionally nervous this week, and unfortunately it showed in both her waltz & her solo in the team cha-cha.  She felt a little rushed at times, and struggled to regain her footing after spins. But I feel like I have to point out that her waltz choreo was more difficult than both Niecy & Chad’s – props to Damian for not holding out, we know she can handle it! Once again, she nailed the character of both dances – I thought she was demure & graceful in the waltz, and turned on the hair-flippin’ sexpot act in the cha-cha.  I’m just hoping that Team Viva La Pam can pull it together and keep her another week…really guys, if she gets sent home over Niecy – my head very well might explode.  She can be in the bottom 2 (ok, I’d feel much better if she wasn’t, but still)…just don’t send her home! PUH-LEASE!

 6.)    Niecy & Louis – I cringed when watching the Insider earlier tonight – there was some serious pimping of Niecy’s injury going on.  However, I was actually surprised they didn’t even mention it on the actual show…makes me wonder if they’re ready for Niecy to go bye-bye, too.  I could definitely tell she wasn’t moving to her full extent tonight – her quickstep barely made it off the ground…which is why I was that much saltier that got a better score than Pam’s waltz.  And all this nonsense about it being her “best dance”? Oy.  I get it, producers – we have to make it seem like it’s not obvious she’s going home.  Her solo was the most elementary on Team Madonna’s, as well – and if I recall, she bungled it up a bit, too.  I think it’s gonna be cutting it close between her & Pam going home – but I’m gonna be optimistic, and say that it’s gonna be Niecy, if there is any sort of justice in this world.  I’m kinda tired of hearing about her jiggly parts.

Ok, rant over.  Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I think I can actually go back and re-watch the show and scout for cheesecake-worthy moments! Holler at me, people – did you guys notice the fishy scoring? Do you think Niecy’s injury will save her from elimination this week? Will Evan & Anna get the encore? (Probably).  Speak your mind!