I’m feeling quite snarky this week. Courtney’s in a bad mood – you’ve been warned.
Most Bizarre Costuming – Cheryl & Chad’s see-through ensemble
Heidi: So, this was like 1820’s porn or something? She’s wearing the hoop but not the actual dress over the top?
Courtney: I think I was more perturbed by Chad’s matching see-through sport jacket with no shirt underneath. I think there was a method to their madness – Chad is admittedly better at the Latin dances, so they figured if they made their costumes feel more like Latin costumes than ballroom ones, they might fare better…hehe. Well, something must’ve worked, because they got undeservedly high scores…AGAIN.
Heidi: Don’t worry, the judges will make up for it next week when they have their “off the meds” week.
Most Improved Tweeter – Evan Lysacek
Heidi: Hey!!! Evan stopped spamming me about voting for him. He’s like down to two tweets on show day!! Now, if he would stop talking about his freakin’ private jets…it just occurred to me that he probably gets paid for those tweet.
Courtney: I’ll have to take your word for it – I stopped following Evan after tweet number 1,475,236 asking me to vote for him. Thankfully, Anna has left the begging to Evan, and has only tweeted a few times asking for votes. Good girl
Biggest “Get Out of Jail Free” Card – Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Heidi: So, he removes clothing (gimmick) and breaks hold in a quickstep, his partner is off time (and correct in calling him a five year old) and he still gets a 9 from Len?? Gee, Derek and Nicole broke hold, had gimmicks did a BETTER DANCE and got a 7 from Len. And people wonder why I throw my Blackberry at the TV. Edited: Okay, so maybe “free pass” was a poor choice of words…perhaps the bottom two was payback?
Courtney: Week 2 of Maks the Petulant Asshole. Last week he threw a tantrum while getting his scores – then proceeded to bitch and moan about it all week in the media. Erin practically BEGS him to not take his clothes off this week, he drops 4+ F-bombs in a matter of seconds, and storms out – and STILL insists on removing his clothing during their quickstep, which I still think is what threw Erin off at the beginning. And then, karma strikes – they end up in the bottom 2. But of course, they get a stay of execution and we lose Pam instead. All I have to say is that Maks had better be really, really, REALLY thankful that he’s around next week, after the crap he’s been pulling. NOT COOL.
The Cheesiest “I told you so” Moment: Tom B calls Evan the “comeback kid”.
Heidi: Not Tom’s fault – producers/script writers, you are SO fucking predictable!!!
Courtney: Oh, but it has such a nice ring to it Kidding! Just another glaring example of storyboarding – right down to what the hosts are saying…which is why Brooke still sounds stilted and awkward. She’s trying to rememember the wording they told her to use to explain Evan’s rise back to the top! Thankfully, we have Tom to also throw in perfect little gems off the top of his head…
Funniest Side Note: Tom B – “Cause that’s how we roll” in reaction to audience boos.
Heidi: LOL – I love the man’s ad libs – I can’t help it!!
Courtney: In that moment, I think Tom & Chad became homeboys.
Best Celeb “Shell Removal” – Evan Lysacek
Heidi: dude is coming out of his shell in a big way. Omega Sheep?? Dude, she’s RUSSIAN!! Don’t be talking like that to her, she could remove your balls with a fingernail. Hilarious.
Courtney: Tread carefully, my friend – not only is she Russian, she’s a redhead. A REDHEAD. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Pro Least Ready to be Back on the Dance Floor – Mark Ballas
Heidi: Dude, big slip like you had in that pro dance after a knee injury – not good. Surely you could have sat out another week or two for your own good? And so Derek could take your place in the dance? Just a little selfish, I’m being.
Courtney: Ugh. The spaz came back. And the fact that they had him paired with Chelsie? Oy. But that’s not the only thing wrong with that dance…
Song that Should NEVER Be Heard on DWTS Again: “Hey Soul Sister” by Train
Courtney: First, they laid ruin to it vocally when they had Peter Brady sing it (rather, warble it) for Aiden & Edyta’s quickstep. Then, they had a random assortment of pros dancing a positively bizarre mashup to it – did they let Mark choreograph that monstrosity while he was still coming off the anesthesia? It started off with Mark & Chelsie doing something kinda slow & lyrical, then all of a sudden, Dmitry & Lacey are doing a frantic jive. Tony & Cheryl show up at some point and do something sort of samba-y, and then they’re all doing this cheesy, weird, jazzy/show choir/seizure choreography. I literally said “WTF is this crap?!” out loud.
Heidi: It was just very, very strange. I don’t know what to say, really. And I like Train, usually. I will say, in all seriousness, if Mark is trying to get out of DWTS, there are less painful ways than dancing way too soon on a knee injury that was described so seriously a few weeks ago. Of course, this show isn’t prone to DRAMA or anything…
The “So Perky, it’s a Whole New Level of Cheese” Award: Melissa Rycroft
Heidi: Help me, sugar shock, throat is closing up…I’d tell her “don’t quit your day job” if I thought she had a day job. Seriously, Melissa is okay, she’s just too cheerleader for me sometimes. Like today.
Courtney: Hang in there, Heidi – I know it’s hard to be cheerful right now! She may be irritatingly peppy, but at least she can form insightful thoughts on the fly – unlike some hosts I know.
Most Impressive Demonstration of Flexibility – Louis’ full split, honorable mention for Anna’s split lift with Evan
Heidi: Dear lord, Louis, I don’t have “family jewels” but I twinged in sympathy anyway.
Courtney: Back in the day, when Louis was still competing as a pro, he was known for his flexibilty – no other male pro out there could stretch as far as that little Dutch rubber band. I got a little nostalgic last night when I could see him going for it And while women are built to be more flexible, I have to give Anna props for the split lift she did with Evan – she kept those legs straight & spread and didn’t falter for a second.
Most Welcome Return to the Ballroom: Karina Smirnoff
Heidi: That was an excellent pro dance. Oh Karina, how I’ve missed thee.
Courtney: I feel like we don’t have enough female pros on the show anymore that are true TECHNICIANS – Karina’s feet, legs, torso, arms, and head are always in perfect position for every dance she’s doing. She’s so damn precise, and she wrings every last bit of energy out of every move she makes. Electrifying. They’d be foolish not to bring her back next season!
Most Shudder Inducing Commercial: The Bachelorette
Heidi: Oh ick. Court, yell at me when you realize I’m watching that trash.
Courtney: Not a problem, dearie – if I recall, I think I scolded you for watching Jake when he was still on The Bachelor, hehe. Is it just me, or does Allie look like she’s 12 years old? I won’t go any further…I know John has a thing for blondes, so he prolly thinks she’s cute as a button
Heidi: sigh…yes, you yelled at me. But I have this thing for trainwrecks and lack of fun shit to do on Monday nights.
The Ryan Seacrest Cheeseball Award: The DWTS script writers for the blatant rip off of Ryan’s pre-commercial tease “…when we come back.”
Heidi: Geez, people, don’t imitate the crap show with the falling ratings, ‘k??
Courtney: And actually, Seacrest has been catching some flack this season too – his standoffs with Simon, off-color comments, and generally drunk behavior has been raising eyebrows for weeks now. Guess he picked up the cray-cray right where Paula left off, eh?
Heidi: Did you see the results show tonight (yes, I had to see Gaga and Harry)?? Did you HEAR what Ryan said to Harry? I don’t think I can actually repeat it in polite company. Well, yeah, okay, I can. Harry is joking with Ellen about a play rivaly and Harry says, to Ellen: “Eyes away from me” and Ryan pops in with “Eyes away from his organ” – Yo, Harry wasn’t playing an organ, and there was no other way to take that comment in that context. Dude is on some crack or he’s got one job too many. Or he has a huge crush on Harry and that was what ya call a Freudian Slip. Take your pick.
Well, that’s all for this week folks. Tune in next week for more snark, the occassional swoon, and just plain bitching. It’s what we do.