Ahhh…it’s good to be back being sarcastic and snarky. Oh, wait, I never stopped.  The Cheesecake Awards this week aren’t for the faint of heart, I don’t think. I speak for myself when I say, I bitch because I love.

Most Ridiculous Occupation: Bristol Palin, Teen Activist

Heidi: Teen Activist?? Seriously?? Oookkaayyy. But I gotta ask, how much activisting has she done recently? Or is that done until Mom runs for office again? Yep, I made up a word. Hell, her mom does it ever day, why can’t I??  :-)

Courtney: I knew they were gonna try and spin the activist angle – just like they did for Heather Mills.  They decided to be all PC and call her a “human rights activist” instead of “gold-digging ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney.” Oh well, whatevs – at least Bristol seems sweet & likeable.  Even if I’m not quite sure just how much “activisting” she actually does

Most Idiotic Choreography Choice, possibly EVER: Louis for Comedy fallen FLAT; Runner up -Tony.

Heidi: Two potentially disastrous choices by professionals – possibly professionals who are burned out. What idiot changes his whole routine for the FIRST week simply because they’re dancing first?? Dude, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Audrina is NOT a professional performer. I don’t think it was nice or fair to her for you to change the whole thing with a week left before show time. Lucky for you there’s an even bigger idiot in town and his name is Louis.  Need I say more?

Courtney: I’m still shaking my heard at the Margaret & Louis routine.  I guess I understand IN THEORY what they were going for, but it totally missed the mark.  I reiterate: DO NOT TRY AND BREAK THE RULES THIS EARLY IN THE COMPETITION! Just go with the flow and prove that you can follow them for the first few weeks, then slowly, you can start to bend them.  These two definitely dodged a bullet this week – and it kinda pisses me off that Louis has more or less said that he intends to do the exact same thing in upcoming weeks.  Dude, if you get sent home next week, you cannot bitch and moan about how “unfair” the show is, because it will be YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.  Dig your own grave, then lay in it.  As for Tony’s tweaking of Audrina’s routine – meh, probably not the best idea, but without seeing how it would’ve looked beforehand, I can’t really say for sure that it was a drastic change.  He might have only changed one or two moves.  Audrina is a pretty awkward mover regardess – some minor changes may have had a slightly negative effect on her performance, but I don’t really think she would’ve knocked the original routine out of the park, either.  Either way, they too dodged a bullet – the same one that went whizzing past Margaret & Louis, and barely grazed their ears.

The Guffaw Right Outta the Gate Award goes to: Len Goodman for his focus on his own buttocks.

Heidi: Bwahaha – Len, dude, I don’t need the mental image of your butt. Lucky for you Derek was photographed sans shirt recently. I can cleanse my mental image. Plus there’s booze in my fridge. In case you couldn’t tell, I was drinking when I wrote this.

Courtney: Len’s quips are pretty hit or miss for me – either hilarious, or cringe-inducing.  This falls in the latter category.  Blech.

Most Wack-ass Hair Accessory of the Night: Lacey’s Minnie Mouse Bow

Heidi: My inner dialogue when I first see Kyle and Lacey – “What the hell is Lacey wearing?? Did someone graffiti her? And what a stupid ass bow!!” It grew on me after a bit – except I was still left with “what a stupid ass bow!”

Courtney: Sure didn’t grow on me…while I understood what they were going for (and they did perform really well), the whole thing just felt so overdone to me.  I could’ve done without the locker bit at the beginning, with the glasses and the gum.  And that hair! Yeesh…too blonde, too big, too extension-y.  The bow was just the rotten cherry on top.  It was as if her entire ensemble just seemed to scream “Look at me! Look at me! I’M BLONDE! I’M REBELLIOUS! I’M BACK!!!”

Heidi: There ain’t nuthin’ rebellious about being blonde. Just sayin’.

The Color me NOT Surprised Award – Cheryl Burke Wears a Sheer Skirt

Heidi: ANOTHER sheer skirt on Cheryl – is this a new addiction?? I mean it was lovely, but damn – if you count last season that’s got to be four or five in a row. Leave some sheer fabric for the other girls (and some of the men), Girl!!

Courtney: Again, the Randall folks must’ve had a brain fart: “Damn, we need a ballgown for Cheryl.  Ok, I have an idea – take the pattern from Joanna’s rumba dress, make it a little longer, and then make the skirt sheer like the dresses from Cheryl’s tango, foxtrot, and waltz dresses from last season, tack some feathers on the bottom, and BOOM! BRILLIANT!!! It will look like a COMPLETELY new dress!” Hehe…or not, if you’ve got a keen eye for costumes like Heidi & I

Best WTF?!?! Reaction of the Night: Cheryl’s reaction to Brooke’s comment after her dance with Rick.

Heidi: LOL – poor Cheryl was clearly a victim of the voices in Brooke’s head. I mean the production staff. I think.  Just throw statements at a girl and then leave her hanging, Brooke!

Courtney: At least Cheryl seemed to shrug it off with a smile.  But I’m not done with Brooke yet…

The Cheesiest, Most OMGiest, Wack Ass Moment of the Performance Show – Margaret Cho and Louis Van Amstel

Heidi: I’m harping, yes, I know. It just started out so well. Then Louis jumped his little ass in a handbasket and rode it all the way to hell, if you get my meaning and I think you do. WTF with the gold fan thing? Why would you do this on the first week? There is such a thing as winning people over slowly as opposed to, say, bashing them over the head with a bronze fabric wing and a prat fall. Just fucking dance.

Courtney: Ugh…do I really even have to comment on this one? It was just nonsense. Little to no legit dancing.  And things got even more awkward when Margaret took it upon herself to envelop herself (and a very befuddled Brooke) in those wings after getting her scores.  I didn’t think it was possible for Brooke to look any more confused…and then she did.

Tom Bergeron Line ‘O the Night – Liberace’s shower curtain (In reference to Margaret’s gold wings); honorable mention for “Why? Because we’ve got an hour to fill!”

Heidi: Bwahaha…now THAT is how you do comedy.  Hire Bergeron, dammit.

Courtney: Ooh! Speaking of which, I think I figured out where I’ve seen those wings before.  They were leftover material from Kelly’s samba dress.  But I loved when Tom, forced by the powers that be to drag out the suspense through another commercial break, lightened the mood by actually pointing out that they were killing time.

Bruno Double Entendre of the Night – I Love the Taste of Brandy in the evening.

Heidi: Yeah, well I’m drinking Champagne…oh, wait. Bwah!! (Just a note to anyone who might have some weird urge to send me booze – don’t really like Brandy. I’m a champers girl all the way. The expensive kind. )

Courtney: Always more than a little awkward when comments like these come out of Bruno’s mouth – especially in regards to the ladies But I concur…brandy seems like such an old man’s drink.  Give me a bottle of champagne as well – but Korbel will do just fine.  Just make sure I drink plenty of water and see that I make it into bed safely

Heidi: Get the Korbel that has “methode champenois” (sp?) on the label. That’s naturally fermented and less likely to attack your head. OH, and you made me remember Bruno’s other faux pas…when he said that Bristol was in “virgin territory”. Um, oops.

The “Please hand me the bleach so I can pour it on my eyeballs” Moment: Florence’s bra!

Heidi: Shit. While I feel I may be permanently scarred by the experience, I have to admire Florence for pure chutzpah. You go…woman.

Courtney: I’d like to amend this award to the “Most Bizarre Celeb Behavior Award” – because Flo was seriously acting weird this week.  The bra, the cussing, the random giggling while Brooke interviewed other couples in the red room – hell, even The Situation got a little uncomfortable when she asked to touch his abs! It was all just very, very odd – and definitely not typical Florence behavior.  Again, I’m afraid she’s trying too hard to be like Cloris, and rather than coming across as funny like her…this is just kinda off-putting and phony to me.  Be yourself, Flo…we’ll love you, we promise

Zinger of the Night: Len to the Sitch – You’ve got the guns but not the amunition!!

Heidi: LOL!!! I thought Bergeron was the only person on the show that was pure genius in terms of off the cuff one liners. Holy hell, that was good, Len. You old curmudgeon you.

Courtney: I think The Situation’s swagger may have diminished a bit after that one…which is a feat. Way to go, Len!

The Line of the night that even Bergeron Admires: Len –“It’s never too early to panic”

Heidi: No fucking kidding!!

Courtney: If the producers are panicking about the elimination…maybe we all should!

Most Disappointing Reappearance – Adam Carolla

Heidi: Oh man, I was so disappointed. That segment was a cheese supreme pizza and not in a good way. He was SO awesome last season that I guess I was expecting more. I did LOL at Bruno and the Brunettes (aka Mark, Corky, Maks and…Tony?).  LOL. But seriously – Adam was so funny last season and this just fell flat to me. And I WAS drinking so it should have been funnier…but, sadly, no.

Courtney: I get the feeling that the “powers that be” may have had a hand in reigning in Adam’s usual humor a bit.  Because the few times I’ve seen him before, he’s been a RIOT.  This wasn’t even as funny as Dance Center – and I don’t even find that particularly funny.  FAIL!

The Stand Your Ass Still Cheeseball Award: The producers, for having the half brained idea of having Brooke wander the backstage area to casually interview the top 4; Runner up – The staged “getting ready” bit prior to the first pro dance of the results show

Heidi: The wanding mic stuff is crap. Yes, let’s make this stuff appear even MORE staged than it was before. GREAT idea. :::end sarcasm:::

Courtney: The hairstylist pretending to fluff Brandy’s hair? Jennifer visibly waiting in the wings for her cue to come sit next to Rick? The staged “group of people with press passes” passing through in the background? DUMB. Oh, and the equally fake shot of Kym, Corky, Anna, Tony, & Cheryl pretending to get ready for the pro dance backstage? Again, FAIL.  Corky doesn’t jog anywhere.  Pssshhh…

Most Sucktastic Musical appearance:  Daughtry/Santana

Heidi: Holy sucktastic, Batman. Even the presence of my gorgeous blond pretend boyfriend couldn’t make this sucker work.  The music, the lighting, the camera work – even the guitar work.  Sucktastic. The pros were great, clearly – but that was about it. Let’s blind the audience with concert lighting that we haven’t done good camera blocking for. GREAT IDEA!! And then, let’s lose control of the camera pan completely!! Awesome!! Almost as good as Jennifer being totally out of frame the night before during her dance – although I appreciate the focus on my hot blond pretend boyfriend.  What this is REALLY about though, is that I am TOTALLY pissed that we didn’t get an all Professional number SANS musical guest that stole precious camera time.  For as much as I bitch about some of the other pros, I WANT desperately to see them all dance together with the spotlight on them and only them. Why is that too much to ask???

Courtney: While I actually think the album version of this remake is pretty good, this whole production of this number (and really all of the pro dances last night) was a mess.  I think the whole scaffolding & stage at the back of the ballroom really threw everything off, the lighting was blinding, and honestly, at times the sound seemed a bit off – as in things sounded almost off-key.  Just too much, all of it.  I love Daughtry, I love Santana, I love the two together – but not live.

Most Disturbing Fixation: Kyle’s fascination with Lacey’s boobs

Courtney: Really, dude? I mean, I know that little corset she had on was putting them right in your face, but at least pretend like you’re not intentionally looking at them.  And then in practice – you really want to use them as your “focusing point” when turning? Oy…and then you felt the need to feel her up in the confessional, and pretend to poke them.  I mean, if it were Kym’s boobs, I totally wouldn’t blame you…;-)

Heidi: I got one thing to say – Kyle, you’re trying too hard. Even for a 19 year old. But perhaps you have found the best way to suck up to your pro? Focus on her boobs = massage of her ego.

The “Back to Square One” Award: Brooke’s many flubs and awkward moments throughout both nights of competition

Courtney: Where do I begin? She mispronounced both Anna & Kyle’s names at least once; multiple awkward silences; totally odd, rehearsed responses to some of the cast member’s answers to her questions – let’s face it: as much as I didn’t care for Samantha Harris, at least she could go with the flow of the show.  It’s as though Brooke regressed during the off-season back to her first night as the co-host of the show (which was ridiculously painful to witness).  Oy.  If this keeps up…it’s gonna be a LONG season for me…

Heidi: You watch, she will get markedly better when she puts a bumpit under her hair to house Voldemort. That’s the thing, see, Voldie is off trying to vanquish Harry Potter and has lost interest in controlling her. I’m tellin’ ya. Look at it this way – we’ll have plenty of material for the Cheesecake awards.