Here it is, hungry patrons…Heidi soldiered through and came up with some great stuff! And we have visual aids this week. LET THEM EAT CHEESECAKE!!!
The Costume Brain Fart Award – Tony Dovolani, with an assist from the folks at Randall for dittoing Melissa’s waltz dress from season 8 for Audrina’s quickstep this week; honorable mention for Jennifer’s jive dress, Maks’ jive outfit, and Bristol’s quickstep dress
Courtney: Not sure if it was a feeling of nostalgia or just a lack of creativity on the part of the pros or the costume department, but some of this week’s costumes felt awfully familiar…and probably the most familiar of those was Audrina’s quickstep dress, which was (nearly) identical to the dress Melissa wore for her waltz in season 8, save for a color change and a slightly different cut around the midsection. Jennifer’s jive dress almost seemed like a hybrid of the dress that both Chelsie wore for her salsa with Ty in season 8 (and Nicole wore her finale jive with Derek last season) and the fringe top & pants that Brooke wore for her salsa with Derek in season 7. A little minor tweakage of the pattern from Kym’s dress from her Viennese waltz with Donny in season 9 gave us Bristol’s quickstep dress this week, and Maks fell back on the ol’ checkered highwater pants, suspenders, and a tie combo from his would-be jive with Misty in season 7 for his jive with Brandy this week. Ahhh, memories…
Heidi: Derek said he designed Jennifer’s (and had to assure her that she had the body to wear it), so I know he was involved. But there were so many similarities in costumes that I wonder if the pros are kinda at the point of saying – while running to teach the dance – Hey Randall, I want something like that time I danced with so and so only with this and this instead of that and that. When you are more worried about your celeb getting the dance, how much time are you going to spend coming up with new designs every week?? In some cases, it works (Jennifer and Audrina) and in others? Not so much – Brandy and Maks (but more Maks than Brandy ). And that leads us to…
Heidi: Don’t get me wrong – I LOVED the color coordinated shirt with the long jacket with the leather (patent leather?) trim, but when you add that trim to the pants in not only a stripe but what appeared to be…shin guards?… and a wrap around thigh it was just much too much. I had to watch the dance a second time to get past it. And Maks? Dude, you are much too old and much too burly for that outfit. That outfit requires a slender model’s body and a more boyish look, IMO. Not that there’s anything wrong with burly – just put it in different clothes.
Courtney: Not sure exactly what look Tony was going for this week…going to do a piano concerto at a biker rally? Dressing up as a cross between Don Johnson on Miami Vice and “The Crow”? Or maybe trying rehash the Adam Lambert look (with a classy twist) from his tango with Kate last season? Whatever it was, I agree with you, Heidi – it was a bit much. At least if he goes for a late-night jog in this outfit, the patent leather will reflect enough light to keep him safe from motorists As for Maks – I’m gonna go with the Al Borland from Home Improvement meets hip-hop manservant Fonzworth Bentley look. Just not a fan of it on Maks…seems something better-suited to one of the goofier guys, like Mark or Louis. I prefer him doing jive in just black dance pants and his signature black tank – kinda like the one from the Hall & Oates performance a few seasons back.
Heidi: This is one of those things that really makes me believe that Lacey thinks mainly of herself at all times. I mean, come on – could you even see Kyle behind that dress? That dress was ghastly at the best of times, but during a quickstep?? Aren’t you supposed to be able to see the feet? Or maybe THAT was her point – Kyle didn’t have footwork. But really, that dress seriously detracted from the dance – but I guess as long as YOU’RE happy, Lacey.
Courtney: The top reminds me of something a circus trapeze artist might wear, and the bottom is a cross between a tutu, a quincenera dress, and one of those cakes with a Barbie stuck in it where the icing is the skirt of her dress. The overall result is, like Tony’s pants, just too much. If the top had flowed into a more simple, streamlined skirt, I think I may have really liked it. I can picture her running into the costume department and demanding “more ruffles! more ruffles!” Oh well – I guess if any of the ladies on the show had to wear it, Lacey would pull it off the best.
Awkward Brooke Burke Comment o’ the Week: Referring to Florence’s “beautiful age”
Heidi: Things that make you go whuuutt?? I think she started to say something else and something happened. Either she thought better of it, or the voices in her head…I mean, the producers were talking to her.
Courtney: Oy…had to cringe at that one. Tried to wrap my brain around how that one could possibly make sense…to no avail. It’s like saying “musical elbow” or “conceited trumpet” – just an adjective and a noun that don’t really go together to me. Poor Brooke – either she was trying to come up with something on the fly (and it didn’t really work), or someone was feeding her something in the earpiece and she just got it garbled.
Asshat o’ the Week Award: Bruno Tonioli
Courtney: If Bruno set out to make himself look like an inconsiderate, condescending, dance critique ignoramus, he sure passed with flying colors. I almost feel like, in true flamboyant Bruno fashion, he set out to make a spectacle of each critique – even if it meant raking poor Michael across the coals, then rubbing salt in the wounds of his metaphorical 3rd-degree burns. Did that jive suck? Yes. Did he need make a hatchet job of his critique and humiliate Michael, who already seemed very humbled and embarassed by the experience? HELL NO. What he did was not a genuine, constructive critique – it was an excercise in self-love and attention whoring. And praise Len for calling him out on it – the man may be the known as the “grumpy old one” on the panel, but he has never been unecessarily cruel and has always managed to say something constructive about every routine, no matter how terrible. And then when Bruno was given a golden opportunity to redeem himself & apologize on the results show, what did he do? He shit on it, and then proceeded to make an even bigger spectacle of himself by making haughty comments about moving to Fox. Michael looked like he was mortified. But props to him for staying classy and calm about it!
Heidi: What the fuck, Bruno. Damn. Michael couldn’t dance, true. But I’m pretty sure it’s NOT your job to humiliate people who come on the show to the point that others may consider not doing it, so they can avoid that same treatment. I’m also pretty sure that if *I* felt uncomfortable watching it, that much of the rest of the audience did as well. Simon Cowell you are NOT. For all of Maks’ ill advised or misplaced bitching about the judges, he got it right when he said in an interview that if you’re auditioning for a movie role or something, give it up. And that comment about Fox?? Dude, they’ve already cast the judges for American Idol AND I’m fairly sure the slots on X-Factor are filled as well. But even worse, was on results show night – you just compounded an already uncomfortable situation. God, I felt so sorry for Michael Bolton.
Most Ironic Pre-Show Ritual: Louis’ chocolate cake consumption
Heidi: “Hey, Cheryl and Lacey, you are too heavy. Now excuse me while I scarf down some chocolate cake…it’s different for us men. We have needs.” Gee, haven’t heard that one before. I challenge you to have an ab-off with Derek or Mark or Maks or Tony. Especially Derek – since he’s been hitting the gym every morning and that will benefit me as well.
Courtney: Funny to me that a man who has ridiculed both Cheryl & Lacey about their weight is the one that chows down on chocolate cake before every show. Wonder why we have yet to see him with his shirt off…
Worst Fabricated Controversy: “Boo-gate”; (dis)honorable mention for Brandy & Maks’ perceived animosity
Courtney: Aaaaand cue the manufactured drama. Although I think the blame for this one lies more with the fans than on those wiley producers…so many people were so quick to assume the booing was for Sarah Palin, rather than the more logical explanation that they were simply upset at Jennifer & Derek’s scores. I mean, it seemed pretty obvious to me – the booing started immediately after the scores had been totaled. Maybe it wasn’t as obvious to everyone else – whatever. Had it been anyone else Tom had been interviewing immediately afterward, I could almost guarantee there wouldn’t have been a “Boo-gate” (whoever came up with that moniker deserves an award…makes me giggle ;-)). Never ceases to amaze me how people manage to manufacture drama where there is really none to be found. And the whole “OMG Brandy & Maks hate each other!” mess? Puh-lease. If anything, I think these two have had the best rapport of any of Maks’ partnerships…they can disagree without screaming at each other, and can joke about their mistakes. They were buddy-buddy again 5 minutes after the alleged “blow-up”.
Heidi: Yeah, totally with you on Maks and Brandy. I think that was fan driven though, although Maks blames the producers. Wrong Maks, they didn’t edit the live show during the judges remarks – that was all you and Brandy. That said – what was the big deal? That is their relationship and it appears to work. As for the Boo-gate bullshit, my question is why DWTS worked so hard to show it wasn’t Sarah Palin getting booed. I mean, so what if she was (although everyone knew she wasn’t)? Who are they pandering to? Or are they just feeding off all the promotion-giving idiocy to get better ratings for the results show? Watching twitter after that was hilarious though – the left and right wings were killing themselves over it. The right were desperate for the booing to be for real so they could manufacture outrage at the left for booing her, thereby pumping up their base. The left assumed she was being booed because, well, most of them have booed her (myself included and with good reason). I say, “Oh boo-fricken-hoo – that audience doesn’t boo anyone but the judges but if they had booed Sarah – she’s heard worse, I’m sure. Politicians get booed, you big freakin’ babies.”
Courtney: Yah, it was a little odd how they chose to put so much effort into showing us that it wasn’t Sarah getting booed. Regardless, I agree – it was hilarious watching the political mudslinging on Twitter. Drama created for the sake of drama. Honestly I thought Sarah was pretty inoccuous when they were talking to her on the show – I just saw a proud mom supporting her daughter. Too bad that everything had to get blown so far out of proportion…hopefully next week we’ll get enough “drama” from the storytelling on the dance floor that no one – producers, fans, or otherwise – will feel the need to manufacture any extra
Mr. Congeniality Award – The Situation, for his show of good sportsman ship right before the elimination, and just being a lovable dork; honorable mention for Kyle’s lovable impishness
Heidi:I thought that was very sweet and gentlemanly of the Sitch to do that. The big Goober. Kyle – I will buy you a cheeseburger, you little sweetie. I also have to add that I thought it was sweet how Jennifer and Margaret seemed to wrap themselves around Michael Bolton when they were all discussing the judge thing.
Courtney: The general consensus amongst everyone around here seems to be that our buddy The Situation is turning out to be far more likeable than anyone could’ve imagined. He’s proving to actually be a pretty humble, goofy guy, who actually seems to be taking the competition seriously and wants to grow. I found it very charming that he took the trouble to step over to Michael & Chelsie before the elimination to shake their hands – even if Karina seemed like she was freaking out about it (god forbid they not have the dramatic, obligatory side-by-side camera view of the two possible eliminees moments before the verdict!). And Kyle is turning out to be this season’s happy, youthful rascal who can actually dance (and has fun doing it). Both very pleasant surprises this season
Most Unintentionally Hilarious Moment: Panning to the shocked faces of various pros and celebs after Michael got his scores
Courtney: Ok, I know it was done for dramatic effect, but I couldn’t help but chuckle when they showed a montage of the slack-jawed faces of the folks backstage when Michael got his scores. Sweet that they were so concerned for his welfare, but out of context it looks like they had all seen a naked man or something.
Heidi: They needed to add little thought clouds over their heads with the words “NO you di’int just say that!!” in them.
Courtney: Let me fill in those thought bubbles for you The Situation: “Chill out, Freckles McGee! We about to have a Situation up in here!” Rick: “You’ve just awoken a sleeping giant. Be warned!” Mark: “How dare thee chastise my beloved’s partner! I shall challenge you to a gentlemen’s duel after I comfort the lovely Chelsie with many kisses & rose petals and perhaps a weekend in Napa Valley!”
Heidi: Aaannndddd….Heidi throws up. Did you forget I’ve been sick? I didn’t need that visual – it was bad enough Mark ran straight to Chelsie and practically ripped her out of Michael’s arms after the eviction. Jaysus, boy. Who was making cracks about Derek being lovesick? Paging Marianya!!!
Most Bizarre Pre-Show Ritual: Corky’s practice of getting intimate with the floor; honorable mention for Derek’s refridgerated double-sock ritual & Cheryl’s hand-sanitizer-in-lieu-of-deodorant ritual
Heidi: Derek, let me help you with those socks…not quite sure why they have to be cold, but whatever works for ya sweetie. Cheryl does realize that the hand sanitizer is doing nothing for her in that particular location, right? That’s the point of rituals, right? It’s a mental thing. I actually think that Corky’s is (almost) the most logical – I mean, I could understand walking the floor in your bare feet, anyway. The sniffing seems more than a bit weird, though.
Courtney: Walking around the floor, I can understand. Sniffing and kissing it? Ok, now we’re in fetish territory. I almost think Corky made that one up just so he could stand out. He probably really does something mundane, like doing the Reader’s Digest crossword puzzle or something. Hand sanitizer in the armpits? Meh, the antibacterial properties would have a (short-lived) diminishing effect on any odor, but it sure as hell wouldn’t keep ya Soft ‘n’ Dry. Refridgerated socks actually would sound divine after a long day of competing or a marathon session of dance lessons. But the fact that there’s two layers of them seem like it would kinda counteract the cooling effect, and just make your feet hotter & sweatier in the long run. Pedicure time!
Heidi: Derek also said at one time that he’s rather….he didn’t use the word manic, but we’ll go with that…about making sure the bottoms of his shoes are not slippery. That thing we saw him doing to Jennifer’s shoes (while she’s wearing them)? Was part of that little ritual. So I imagine the double socks is part of that, so his feet don’t slide in his shoes or whatever. Hey, I never claimed that my hot blond pretend boyfriend wasn’t a bit strange. Just sayin’.
Heidi: We are now entering the Tom Bergeron portion of the program. I have to wonder how many people it took to get him OUT of that position once he got himself into it. “Tune in next week to see Tom’s Downward Facing Dog.”
Courtney: One word: Tom-a Sutra. Cue porno music.
Heidi: I was tempted to go there but resisted the urge. Thank you, oh equally evil twin.
The Tom Bergeron Line ‘O the Night Award – “Len lecturing Bruno on how to be nice has to be a sign of the apocalypse.”
Heidi: Tom, I love ya, I do. But even you were having trouble finding the funny this week and I don’t blame you a bit. This line would have been hilarious any other time, and was a valiant effort at breaking the tension after what was a totally uncalled for series of remarks. But, awesome try, dude.
Courtney: I was squirming on the couch at home, so I can only imagine how terribly uncomfortable everyone in that ballroom had to be on performance night. Carrie Ann looked like she might have a nervous breakdown. Brooke looked totally confused (although that’s not really a new thing…); somebody probably had to rassle Len up a hot toddy during the commercial break. God bless Tom for trying to do something – ANYTHING – to lighten the mood…even if the joke fell a bit flat.
The Most Awesome Production “Payback is a Bitch” Award – Whipping out Tony’s Leg Waxing Bet Video at Just the Right Time
Heidi: OMG, hilarious. Tony, word to the wise – buy your field producer cookies, the occasional beer, whatever, to avoid these problems in the future. Either that, or don’t make bets on something so erratic and unpredictable as the judges on this show. I mean, really – the way these three wave their paddles you couldn’t even make a good drinking game out of it. Unless you chug every time they wave a SEVEN. Yes, dude, a seven. The best part was the reaction of all the other pros and celebs.
Courtney: This, like the footage of Maks’ jumping-up-and-down-like-a-toddler temper tantrum last season, is pure GOLD to the producers – probably not worth much to begin with, but when perfect time presents itself…priceless I have to wonder if the judges maybe had a bit of prior knowledge about this one…because it almost seemed TOO perfect that it went “Carrie Ann Inaba – 8, Len Goodman – 8, Bruno Tonioli – SEVEN!!!” Oh well – it was the one useful thing Bruno did on the show this week. And Tony tweeted earlier today that the big day is Friday…so if we get any valuable twitpics, we just might have to post a “Leg-gate” update here
Cutest Display of Enthusiasm: Jennifer moving in any way she could to make the fringe on her dress shake
Courtney: I think Heidi may have mentioned it in another post, but I too was like “Why is she moving so weird?” as she was coming down the stairs. Then I realized “Awww…she’s shimmying the fringe on her dress!” It was just too adorable…as if she was so excited to be wearing fringe that she just couldn’t bear to let it go to waste.
Heidi: Yeah, that was me. I thought she was having a seizure – then I realized she was making her fringe move. She really has an inner 12 year old that presents itself at interesting times. It’s at times like that when you have to realize why Derek got Jennifer instead of Audrina, who many have mentioned as his “type”. Jennifer is he goober match. Love it.