DWTS11 Week 4 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Sorry for the delay, folks – we’ve had one hell of a week at our respective day jobs (heh, and side blogs). I know we’re leaving something out of this one – because the question “why was Karina wearing a tea cup on her head?” keeps running through my brain. :-) Well, in one camera shot it DID look like a tea cup. Could have been the wine, I suppose….Heidi

Award for Best Time Killer – Long opening rumba by Chelsie and Dmitry

Heidi: Very beautiful dance, but after a few minutes I realized that the producers were terrified the show would run short.  ;-)  Maybe I was crazy, but it seemed longer than most of the contestant’s dances.

Courtney: It was indeed a rather long-winded dance…and a bit redundant at times.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it – but it even seemed longer than Anna D.’s Argentine tango demo.  And it looks like they took the costume Chelsie wore for her pro dance with Damian to Sade last season and cut back some of the excess (and I do mean excess!) fabric and were like “Here, wear this.” Seemed a little hastily thrown together, like the whole thing was improvised at the last minute…even though we know it was planned ahead of time.


The Spouse of the Night Award – Mrs. Kurt Warner, for taking some well placed shots at hubby during his and Anna’s package.

Heidi: Hilarious. You go girl. Way to puncture that football player ego that was concerned you’d be worried about him dancing a rumba (poorly).

Courtney: To really drive the point home about her being “okay” with it, she should have done an impromptu lambada with Jonathan. ;-)

Heidi: Better yet…a better Rumba. :-)  “Here, honey, THIS is how it’s done.”

Award for the Cheesiest Fake Pickup Line of the Night – “These are for you, Brandy” by Maks Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: These are the moments where I find Maks to be utterly charming. Hilarious, complete with a Cheesy grin. Why does he feel the need to balance the charm out with the other stuff??  :-)

Courtney: Poor guy.  I feel like he was actually making and honest effort to be “romantic” and Brandy basically like “You’re doing it wrong!” Hence, the goofy-grinned, half-laughing “Deese are for you, Bran-dee!” (that’s the best way I can phonetically interpret Maks’ accent :-P) But I agree, totally endearing. ;-)

Heidi: It gives me the feeling that Maks typically walks into a bar, bares a little chest, and women throw themselves at his feet, completely eliminating ANY need for romantic chops. :-) Hell, who needs good English?? The accent will get them every time. Are we sure he’s from the Ukraine? ;-)

The “Nice Try” in Costuming Award – Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: I gotta give him props for trying to disguise some stiff hips, but even a huge bed sheet didn’t accomplish that. In fact, I wonder if such a costume makes the judges look harder at her hips than they might have otherwise because they are on to the costuming tricks.

Courtney: I actually really liked this costume, but I agree that at times the fabric overlay really seemed to obscure her entire body movement – not just her hips.  It seemed like an intermediate between Pam’s rumba costume last season, and the aforementioned costume Chelsie wore when she danced with Damian, only white.  I do think that when pros put a celeb that we know has a decent body into something so…well, COVERING, it almost screams “Yep, I’m trying to hide something!” Usually it’s a lack of technique…but who knows, they may also have just indulged in a little too much cheesecake off the craft services table ;-)

Award for the Biggest Balls on a Female Pro – Karina Smirnoff

Heidi: Jesus, Karina – I’m on record as calling you extraordinarily brave a few weeks ago when we did the Pros and Cons of the Pros posts for your willingness to go flying through the air with the greatest of ease – and no net – but that was with other pro dancers!! But to do THOSE lifts with a rank, not very talented, amateur? Serious cojones, girl. Serious. I had wondered which professional would go for all lifts and no dance, but I never expected it to be you!! That’s not a criticism – I understand your rationale completely. Brave.

Courtney: I’m still miffed that the judges chose to tear these two a new one instead of acknowledging the sheer athleticism of their routine this week – they were KILLING those lifts! I don’t think any other routine that night could match up to them when it came to lifts. But yes, points for Karina for bravery – “Hey, I’ve got an idea.  Why don’t you fling me up in the air, I’ll rotate 360 degrees, and then you’ll catch me.  No biggie…we’ll just practice on this couch backstage.  No need for helmet, pads, or an ambulance on standby…I trust you, Sitch! And then you can hoist me up on your shoulder, fling me around while just holding my wrist & ankle, and slide me around the stage like a hockey puck.  It’s gonna be GREAT!”

Most Awesome (probably Unintentional) Comedy Reference – Lacey does “Kids in the Hall”

Heidi: I crush your head! I crush your head!!  LMFAO! Considering that Lacey didn’t know who the Eagles are, she probably got lucky (or one of the cameramen/producers told her to do it) with that particular comedic gem.

Courtney: It just struck me as typical Lacey behavior, reacting in a mischievous, juvenile way when she wants attention.  I too doubt she’s familiar with Kids in the Hall – too old and too cerebral for her tastes ;-)

Cheesiest New Costuming Obesssion – Lacey Schwimmer and the Tutu

Heidi: I believe my first thought was WTF?? My second thought was that Lacey has started her own trend because she was jealous of Cheryl’s sheer skirt “thing”. :-)  At least Cheryl’s favorite clothing looks great on her. I hated the tutu look. Just. No. To both the long and short versions.

Courtney: Knowing Lacey, you’re probably right about that one – if Cheryl got a costume gimmick, she wanted one too.  And clearly, hers is ruffles.  Lots of ‘em.  TOO MANY.  But I think what bugged me more this week was the black embroidery going down one of the stocking legs…blech.  Ruined her leg lines, which already aren’t stellar because her legs are shorter than a lot of the other female pros.  The overall look reminded me of something that she probably wore when she was competing in Latin as a preteen. Oh well, maybe she’s just trying to be age-appropriate where Kyle’s concerned…although I’m sure he’s probably holding out for a nip slip or something, that rascal ;-)

Award for The Package that Scared the Hell out of me – Team Florky

Heidi: I started getting nervous when Tom announced they were coming up next. By the time we got to Naked!Corky, I was having a full blown panic attack. I could completely relate to Mark laying his head on the table and laughing like a loon. Ya know, I totally admire her willingness to be SEXY! and think she should be able to do that if and when she wants. I just don’t really want to watch it. Really, really don’t.

Courtney: Cut out by my DVR, thank goodness.

Heidi: Are you sure that wasn’t hysterical blindness? Because your DVR cuts out at really convenient times. :-) The best thing about that package, by the way, was “Inappropriate” – wish someone (Derek) would have held one of those signs in front of Mark’s bare chest when he was getting his scores, instead of a pillow. :-)

Award for the Most Shocking (and Most Funny) Pro Smackdown of the Night – Len To Mark “More ‘we’ and less ‘me’”

Heidi: Wow. Called out by 2 judges! Has anyone gotten called out by two of them like that before for something that wasn’t breaking the rules?? I’m quite conflicted by this actually. I agree with the judges that the last two Mark/Bristol dances were all about Mark showing how good he was, and that annoyed me to some degree. BUT at the same time, I understand why Mark is doing it. If Bristol just can’t cope with the dance and he needs to draw attention away from her flaws, I get it.  But I also don’t think Bristol is AS bad as a lot of people are saying. I think she has potential – so why can’t Mark get that out of her? Really as much as I like the Situation more than her, she’s a better dancer.

Courtney: Agree about Bristol – not nearly as bad as everyone is saying (I’ll even admit she is better than Sitch), but just a bit of a disappointment because she just doesn’t seem to be trying anymore.  But I loved that the judges called Mark out on his “look at me!” tendencies – I always get a kick out of it when judges throw the book at the choreographers of a dance (like Nigel calling out Laurie Ann Gibson for crappy choreo on SYTYCD) rather than raking the dancers themselves across the coals for a shitty routine that really isn’t their fault.  And I reiterate: the right pro can turn the most inept dancer into a star.  Put your shirt back on, Marky, and really drill Bristol…er, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words… ;-)

Heidi: LOL!! Don’t give him any ideas – I think his dance card is already approaching full.  :-) At least going by rumor and innuendo.

Award for Biggest Production Screw-Up of the night – The Bizarre inability to keep the camera on the “Forever Tango” Group in the Celebraquarium.

Heidi: Part of me thinks this was a crazy ass production screw up, the other part of me was thinking “Well, it’s no surprise that Lacey and Corky can’t stay out of the camera frame as they are the two who love it most dearly”. :-)  Maybe the reason the camera was moving all funky was the dude (ette?) was trying to figure out what the hell was going on with Lacey’s Tutu??

Courtney: I think I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that the production crew this season is just sub-par.  Wrong lighting, missed camera angles, awkward zoom-ins…whatever.  They’re probably drunk from all the protein-infused vodka that Sitch was giving away…as Rick Fox described him on Twitter, he’s “a walking gifting suite”. :-)

The Award for Most Awesome Display of “If Looks Could Kill” – Mark Ballas to Kyle Massey After the Results Show Recap of Kyle and Bristol’s Dances.

Heidi: Oooohhh….Mark really doesn’t like Kyle talking back to him and telling him to put a shirt on. I believe the glare was accompanied by a “Take YOUR shirt off, Kyle.” Testy testy.  All is better now, apparently, since Mark mentioned that he was out at Derek’s clothing launch thing last night with Kyle and The Sitch, but I did wonder if Mark was going to do some ass whuppin’ on the kid. :-) Now THAT would be great TV.

Courtney: Ooh wee, looks like Marky forgot to take some Midol this week…could’ve sworn I heard cats screeching & hissing in the background on that one…

Cheesiest Time-Filler Segment of the Results Show – How to get a 10 From Len; (dis)honorable mention for the “Day in the life of a celeb on DWTS” segment

Heidi: I was prepared to be bored and roll my eyes at the whole perversion of the Len Commandments idea from last season, but then they included this season’s cast in the bit, which made it much more tolerable. A+ for Audrina for playing the pretty but stupid girl so well.

Courtney: Props to Audrina for self-deprecating humor ;-) And I got a kick out of Sitch, Kurt, and Rick all pointing fingers at each other.

Heidi: As for the “week in the life” thing…Derek’s got some nice biceps growing on him. And he’s wearing the team shirt I sent him that one of his fans from PureDerekHough.com designed. :-) Other than that? Worthless. Cheesy. Time filler.

Makeup Department FAIL award: Unsuccessfully attempting to cover up both Audrina & Mark’s tattoos

Courtney: They may as well have let ‘em be, the way they were clearly showing through the makeup that was put over them.  Not as noticeable on live TV, but if you look at some of the still photos – blantanly obvious.  Have you guys not heard of Dermablend?

Heidi:Does Mark think he’s Angelina Jolie or something?? And Audrina looks like she got hit during a paintball fight…although I can’t picture her in camo and head gear carrying a paintball gun. She totally doesn’t have the shoes for it.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week: “Stop squeezing my ASS!”

Courtney: I about spit out my Snapple on this one.  Why? Because it was TOTALLY on the fly, and Tom seemed genuinely perturbed by it.  Who was it touching his ass, anyway? Corky?

Heidi:I would totally squeeze his ass given half a chance. Me thinks he doth protest too much. He totally loves it. ;-) Well, maybe he would love it more from Jennifer than from, say, TONY. :-)

Best (Futile) Attempt at Avoiding Elimination: The Situation flexing his pecs

Courtney: Again, I reiterate: the Situation’s “situation” is nice, but “The Seduction” (what I’ve named his pecs) are what get me ;-) I wanna squeeze ‘em, rub ‘em, and eat dinner off of them.  Mmmmgrrrr!

Heidi:Well. Ummm, ick. I really can’t think of anything else to say to that. “ICK” keeps crowding everything else out of my brain. :-)

The “Pot, Meet Kettle” Award: Len chastising Mark for going shirtless and remarking “You don’t see me running around with my shirt off for no reason!”…and then the producers digging up the footage of him shirtless on “Dance Center”

Courtney: Yet another example of old stock footage becoming useful at exactly the right time ;-) Mark, it may have been an act of desperation, you taking your shirt off in your rumba with Bristol; but man, I was desperate to avert my eyes when I was forced to look at Len’s saggy, pasty torso! :-(

Heidi:Well, at least Dance Center is almost ALWAYS funny. Half naked Len in the quest of comedy is actually better than Mark doffing the shirt to distract from Bristol. :-) It’s all about INTENT. Besides, Len’s tattoo was prettier. ;-)

How did this get to be the Mark Ballas edition of the Cheesecake Awards anyway?? I have no clue. :-)