DWTS Season 11, Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Fasten your seat belts, kids, we’re in for a long and bumpy ride!!

Award for the Biggest, Fattest, Cheesiest Waste of Time this Season So Far: The Judges discuss the Contestants on Performance Night.

Heidi: This annoyed the living hell out of me. So, the producers need to kill a HALF AN HOUR to make it a two hour show?? And they do this by having the judges blather on about each of the couples. Then they show snippets of each the contestants dances that they think are their best ones?? HELLO?!?! We’re only in Week 5 – your audience isn’t THAT stupid (well, most of them aren’t, anyway). I will speak for much of the audience (going by the disgust being vented on Twitter) when I say – “we can make up our own damn minds about what we think are the best dances and who our favorite couples are.” ABC, find ANOTHER show to put in the slot where DWTS was and shorten the damn show as you lose couples. Gawd. My HD TV is much harder to watch with a shoe sticking out of the middle of it.

Courtney: I see you’ve resorted to the ol’ “foot through the TV” maneuver I’m so fond of, Heidi ;-) But I agree…good grief…I get home from a long (ok, it was only 3 days) trip away from home, anxious to watch the cache of DWTS fabulosity on my DVR, and what do I get? A half hour of worthless schlock from the damn judges before I actually get to see any dancing.  Can we say filler? If I wanted to hear those 3 blather on any more than they already do when giving their post-dance critiques (and no, I don’t want to hear any more than that), I’d just download the Tiny Bruno app for iPhone…oh wait, already did ;-) IMO…waaaaay funnier than the real thing, and when you want it to shut up, you just close the app! BRILLIANT!

Award for Most Distracting Hair Styles: Derek Hough, for appearing to be a Brunette. Honorable Mention: Maks Chmerkovskiy for attempting a Snookie poof AND shaving

Heidi: Seriously, my twitter feed for PDH was clogged with people going, “DID DEREK DYE HIS HAIR??!?!” You’d have thought he’d broken an arm or something. Of course, my initial reaction to the hair was, “EEEP!!! NO!!” so I guess I’ve no room to talk. Then when I saw Maks I wondered what the hell was wrong with his face. It looked…clean. I don’t like it when it looks clean. I like the scruffy on Maks. And what the hell was up with the poof on the top of his head?? What was that supposed to represent?? Or has his tendency to throw other people under the bus caused his head to get pointy?? Like a Pinocchio thing only on the top of his head? :-)

Courtney: I didn’t really notice Derek’s hair so much (sorry, the 5 hour drive had worn me out and I was just trying to stay awake and watch the performance show at this point!), but I agree that Maks definitely looked odd completely clean-shaven.  Very…prepubescent.  Were they going for the Chandler Bing look? I’m thinkin’ yes…would explain the slicked back pseudo-pompadour as well.  Oh, the 90s…surprised they didn’t try to slap a “Rachel” wig on Brandy, or break out into an impromptu version of “Smelly Cat” in the middle of their quickstep.  I would’ve given that dance a perfect score!!!

Award for Most Obvious Display of Dementia: Len Goodman – the whole show.

Heidi: Where do I start?? Len liked the monkey suit. HE LIKED THE MONKEY SUIT and then dissed Jennifer for holding a feather duster before the music for their dance even started. WTF?? He said their little bit at the beginning of the dance was too theatrical. ON THEME NIGHT. So I guess the monkey suit was a representation of Bristol’s song, but NOT theatrical?? And Brandy sitting in the audience with a lollypop was just good old “Friend”ly fun? Hey Len, why don’t you try talking to the producers and tell them to quit with the cheesy-assed theme nights if you don’t like the theatrics they naturally produce. If that doesn’t work, how about you get the stick out of your ass and at least attempt to judge all the contestants the same – don’t yell at Kyle and Jennifer for doing the exact same things as Brandy and Bristol. How’s that for a freakin’ start?? Any other night it wouldn’t have been as noticeable – but the MONKEY SUIT?? Are you f@#king kidding me??? I know you guys are always telling one couple one thing and then something different for other couples – but this is taking it to a whole new extreme.

Courtney: I’m still trying to figure out how lollipop = Friends nostalgia.  A latte would’ve made more sense :-) But anywho…I digress.  I think I just tried to tune out the judges as much as possible and focus on the mediocre dancing I was seeing.  While I do agree that Len needed some Gerovital after being as much of a hypocrite as he was the other night, I think the monkey suits may have been the only things he saw as praiseworthy in that jive – and when I say “praiseworthy”, I mean “Wow, it’s a wonder you didn’t pass out just doing that short little bit of jive before you (unsuccessfully) tore off the monkey suits!” THAT was one of the worst jives I’ve ever seen…even Bolton didn’t don a monkey suit! And really, on TV theme night, when you’re expected to convey the theme you’re given…aren’t you kinda SUPPOSED to piddle around with props and shit? I mean, the way he’s putting it – lollipops and monkey suits = fun, but featherdusters & disco = WRONG.  It’s like one of those weird analogies they give you on the verbal portion of the SAT.  Then again, Len did pitch a fit about Mya’s featherdusting back in season 9…maybe he just has something against featherdusters? And maybe, by extension (no pun intended), feathered hair? Thus the dislike of Lacey & Kyle’s foxtrot? I’m reaching, aren’t I?

Heidi: A for effort, Courtney. A for effort. :-)  It’s as good an explanation as any.

Award for the Most Awesome Display of Logic When Faced with Crack-addled Judges: Tom Bergeron – “Wait, didn’t you just want Bristol in the Monkey suit longer??!?!”

Heidi: Bless you, Tom Bergeron, for having a tendency to say exactly what I’m thinking at just the right time and with just the right about of amused indignation. Marry me. :-)

Courtney: God bless Tom for making the judges feel appropriately nincompoopish.  Reminds me of when the lovely Cat Deeley called the SYTYCD judges out on a rather hypocritical statement they made this past season…you could almost feel a collective “OOOOH! BURRRRN!” by the audience, and at that moment everyone wanted to be BFF with Cat.  I want Tom & Cat to get married and have little TomCat babies that are fabulously charismatic and poised and ridiculously funny…but would they end up human redwoods like Cat, or pocket-sized like Tom? Hmmmmm….

Award for Ickiest Gross-Out Moment of Performance Night: Barry Williams/Florence Henderson

Heidi: The whole Barry/Florence aura and ensuing discussions was, frankly, way too much for me. Just. No. And how is it that Barry looks older than Florence?? Drugs?? No, seriously, I’m really asking. I have to give him props for the “He’s younger than BOBBY!” line though. LOL

Courtney: Barry just hasn’t aged well at all – and I would venture a guess that it was due to some hard-partying in his younger, handsomer days.  He was pretty hot, by 60s & 70s standards! But even though she isn’t his real mom…there’s something icky of Oedipus proportions there that just makes my stomach churn thinking of those two doing…er, nevermind.  Let’s pretend that didn’t just happen.

Award for the Hugest WTF??? in Costuming: The Monkey Suits. Honorable Mention: Florence Henderson.

Heidi: What exactly is going through Mark Ballas’ head that he would put Bristol in a monkey suit?? Please, someone, explain this to me. The only thing I can think of is that Mark always thinks “cartoon” when he hears the word jive – I mean, he usually dresses his partners like Minnie Mouse on crack for that dance. Maybe that was getting too boring and staid for him. So, he put a monkey suit OVER the Minnie Mouse on Crack. Two birds, one stone. Mark, start paying attention to Derek. He told you you were nuts (heh-pardon the expression) when you wore those little tiny red shorts to dance with Shawn and he said “never” to putting one of his partners in a monkey suit too. He shouldn’t have to tell you these things, really. But you know what? It runs in the family, because Ballas Senior had Florence Henderson dressed like Mrs. Santa Clause and that somehow signified “Brady Bunch” to him. Mrs. Clause on crack, I should say. Or a life sized Christmas package. On crack. Or a Scottish Highlander in the depths of winter. On crack. Or, like the sofa in Pee Wee’s Playhouse – look, you can sit on it AND it dances!! On crack.

Courtney: Crack is whack, Heidi.  While you may be onto something with your Mark Ballas Cartoon Jive theory, I just think he’s given up to the point that he might actually be TRYING to get sent home…and what better way to get people to think you’re a total joke than to don a monkey suit? Hmmm…the tiny red shorts…as I recall, there was a suspicious bulge in them there shorts that ended up all over The Soup and Best Week Ever that week…but once again, I digress.  Oh the housecoat that Flo wore…I don’t ever recall Mrs. Brady wearing one, but I think it was a Jan thing.  She was always the dowdy one.  That particular coat reminded me of these plaid nightgowns (with matching caps!) that my mom bought my sister and I for Christmas one year when we were little and insisted on taking oodles of pix of us wearing them by the Christmas tree.  I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from that trauma…I still refuse to wear plaid…

Heidi: ::singing:: “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay, I drink all night and I sleep all day.”  Name that show…no, really, name it because I can hear the song but can’t think of the musical act.  It’s the plaid’s fault.

Award for Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “So we’ve learned that Tony got punked by Richard Gere.”

Heidi: Bwahaha…well, that’s what you get, Tony, for being a big ole cheesy name dropper AND torturing your partner by getting her to bite into an onion. Was that really the wife’s idea? If I were you, I would disregard what Gere tells you – especially if it has to do with hamsters. Word to the wise.

Courtney: HAMSTERS!!!! Bwahahahahaha.  I’d like to also call this award the “Most Misguided Piece of Advice” award, because whoever told Tony that rubbish about onions & garlic before a love scene (pssssh, Richard Gere my ass! Oh wait…BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) probably hadn’t done many love scenes in his or her day…because that would seriously make ANY costar recoil in disgust and dry up any ounce of romance in a love scene.  But hey…maybe rodents dig onions and garlic ;-)

Heidi: We are cracking me up. LOL. Bet we’re making John REALLY uncomfortable right now. ;-)

Award for Highest Degree of Cognitive Dissonance in Costuming – Week 5: Kyle Massey

Heidi: And the internet screamed, “It’s ISSAC from the LOVE BOAT!!” So why were they dancing to Charlie’s Angels?? Of course, from a pair that didn’t know who the Eagles are I would expect them to also think that Charlie’s Angels were Drew Barrymore, Lucy Lieu and Cameron Diaz, not realizing we are talking TV THEMES, not the movies. HOWEVER, after Lacey’s simulating “Kids in the Hall” last week, I have to wonder if the production crew are having a bit of fun with this seemingly rather clueless pair. “Hehehe…let’s dress him as Issac from the Love Boat and tell them it’s Bosley from the TV show.” Um, no. Kyle, for someone in the entertainment business, I would think that you at least took a gander at Nick at Night or TV Land once in your short life.

Courtney: He looked like a strange hybrid of Isaac from The Love Boat, Shaft, and Richard Pryor pre-setting himself on fire.  Oh, and vaguely like Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction (Tarantino represent!) without the potty mouth and the glock.  I’m sure Lacey had something to do with it – you could tell she was just loving her little shampoo commercial moment with the wind blowing in her feathered blonde hair.  Those two are attention FIENDS – I don’t think they even give a rat’s ass about what their costuming conveys as long as it’s attention-grabbing.  And I am just so over the whole Charlie’s Angels craze – every damn wedding picture I see on facebook has all the bridesmaids striking the famous pistol-wielding pose, and I about wanted to smack both Chelsie & Kym (both whom I love) for doing the breathy “Hello Charlie” while striking that damn pose.  It’s so over, ladies…don’t let Lacey (or the producers) convince you to do it again.

Award for Most Misplaced Celebraquarium Honesty: Bristol Palin. (Dis)Honorable Mention: Lacey Schwimmer.

Heidi: Bristol, I’m really not sure it’s a good idea to say, “The Jive SUCKS”. While I admire your honesty, crap like that always comes back to bite you. Like in a Lindy Hop/Jive Marathon, for example. As for Lacey, raucous laughter at your judge’s scores almost certainly guarantees your partner a 4 paddle next week unless you produce a killer routine. Well, I would look for a 4 anyway, Kyle and Bristol both, because I think the judges have realized that if they want the BAD dancers to leave before the GOOD dancers do, they have to score appropriately and lay off the drugs. Bristol should have gone home on Tuesday, but they gave her 6s – in watching the dance again, it was worse than I thought. They will want her or Kyle gone so prepare for the worst. Unless they don’t care if they lose Audrina, that is.

Courtney: For some reason, I kinda appreciated Bristol’s candor – poor girl has been pretty PC (and NOT in the literal sense…so help me god, the next person who tries to insinuate that the GOP is somehow behind Bristol’s every move is getting called out for their wanton idiocy – you know who you are) up until now, generally being pretty polite and quiet despite being embarassed or upset.  Good to finally see some sort of strong emotion out of her.  As for Lacey – I damn near put my foot through the TV when she decided to punctuate their receipt of their scores with raucous, arrogant laughter.  And no, that was not nervous laughter – it was “Screw you, I’m awesome and you don’t know what you’re talking about so !$%@ off!” laughter.  Lacey, if I were you, I’d reign it in – if this season’s scoring is any indicator, the scores can fluctuate suspiciously from judge to judge and dance to dance, for no apparent reason…just sayin’…

Heidi: Not to mention the fact that it’s only by the grace of God and Edyta Sliwinska that you are even ON the show this season.

Award for the Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Intentionally Cheesed: The Faux Commercials on the Results Show.

Heidi: Under the category of “they’re so bad, they’re good” we have a couple of commercials that actually cracked me up. I have to give Mark Ballas credit for guts going shirtless with torn pants in that Bruno commercial – and I’m totally not surprised that he was good at the Cheesy. The Easy Steps had Rick being hilariously cheesy and caused the internet to light up with offers to Derek. Everything from asking for overnight shipping to fights over who got him first. An estimated value of $150?? Not going by what I saw on twitter. But what really got me to laugh out loud was the VERY END of the David Hasselhoff commercial, where he pops into frame with a false mustache and says “Habla Espanole”. Hilarious.

Courtney: Mark looked far, far too excited to be doing that commercial ;-) And Lacey even pulled out her beloved razor blade bra for the occasion! I think Bruno sporting the wifebeater tank was a strategic move on his part to try and intimidate anybody still trying to avenge Bolton…look at those tan, oily guns! Oh Easy Steps…if only they could also make toast, balance my checkbook, and satisfy other urges…but I digress once more ;-) Poor Hoff – they had to throw him a frickin’ bone after the uber-early elim.  This was the only way they could think of – but at least he seemed coherent, and pretty damn funny!

Heidi: Satisfying urges? I think you missed the part of Easy Steps where if you call within 12 minutes, you get a world class dancer for free. $150 dollar value. Since Derek is already being shipped overnight to me, I bet you could get, like, Jonathan or Alec. :-)

The “Oh PLEASE Shut Up About Team Smurgles Already” Award: Kyle Massey

Heidi: Dear lord, does Kyle have Smurgles Tourettes Syndrome or what? Does that word just spontaneously burst out at least once per sentence?? Can we PLEASE make it stop????

Courtney: What the hell is a Smurgle? One of the Muppets? A type of hors doeuvre? The noise it makes when you put a straw in Jell-O and blow?

Heidi: The sound a wet fart makes?  Oh. I think I just grossed myself out.

The Karma is a Bitch Award – Week 5: Tony Dovolani

Heidi: So there’s grumpy Tony back stage complaining that Carrie Ann “likes to go at me” and that “there was NO LIFT” and then a beautiful thing happened – those evil little producers whip out the instant replay which clearly shows both of Audrina’s feet off the ground. LOL!!! Hilarious. Dude, that’s twice this season that your mouth has gotten you in trouble – did you pee in the producers cornflakes?? Too much complaining about your typical quality of partner?? :-) Or are they just plain fun folks who like to embarrass those who make such definitive statements?? :-) I laughed like the evil wench that I am.

Courtney: Murphy’s Law of Lifting on DWTS: if you swear up & down there was no lift, they will go back and replay the footage in slow mo to prove you wrong.  No amount of onion & garlic consumption could’ve saved you from that one, brah.

The Lon Cheney/Boris Karloff Award for being Krazy Scary (aka I am really a Wax Figure of Frankenstein Award): Corky Ballas

Heidi: Dude, did you SEE his barely blinking, grinning stare into the camera at the end of the show when Brooke was doing the spiel for each of the three couples standing up there??   It lasted forever. He was skerring me like crazy.  I was thinking he was going to suddenly turn to Derek and strangle him and then carry either Florence or Jennifer off, grunting.  I was looking for the bolts in his neck!!   It was like someone said, “CHEESE” – he smiled and they shot him full of botox and he stuck that way.  :::shiver:::

Courtney: I must’ve missed that part…thankfully…*shudder*

Costume Cheap Skate Award: Rick & Cheryl’s cop costumes

Courtney: Ok, it was blatantly clear to me this week that the costume department may have gotten a bit lazy and just run down to the Halloween store (hey, tis the season, right?) and bought some of this week’s costumes – because some of them looked downright low-budget.  The worst offenders were definitely Rick & Cheryl – the wardrobe department may as well have used the store-bought variety (and maybe just bedazzled them) and saved a ton of money, rather than making these.  Hell, they could’ve even saved a trip to the costume shop and picked up Rick’s cop costume at the same time they picked up the pimp suit for Chad’s jive last season.  For those of you wanting to get the “Rick Fox in the key of Hill Street Blues” look (at a fraction of the cost!), simply go to buycostumes.com and snatch up the Sexy Policeman costume – it’s on clearance!!! Get it while it lasts, kids!

Heidi: Did they at least get some candy?? Candy sounds really good right now.  You know those Reese’s Pumpkins that they have at this time of year??  Yup, that sounds good to me.  Anyway, you know what it was – it was the bedazzled pocket. It ruined the whole look. :-)

Most Head-Scratch-Inducing Analogy from a Judge: Len comparing Jennifer & Derek Rick and Cheryl to a “couple staying together for the sake of the children” during their foxtrotrumba

Courtney: Ok, I may be a divorce kid, but I’m not quite sure how a couple “staying together for the kids” would look dancing a rumba…would they be bickering the whole time? Crying? Apathetic? I’d rather see a rumba from a “couple who are expecting a baby but the father could be the husband’s twin brother” or a paso doble from “siblings who are on the lam for stealing a fortune from a wealthy banker” or a lindy hop from a “couple who are being torn apart by their flatulence”.  Soooo much easier to convey, don’t you think? ;-)

Heidi: How did this become a fart post?  All the cheese? :-)  But seriously, you said it earlier – Crack is Whack. Len, you aren’t Tom Bergeron. Quit trying.

Most Hilarious Analogy to Football from an Eastern European: Anna comparing Walter Payton to the 2 Russian dogs who went into space

Courtney: Reason #2,458 I love Anna: she’s unintentionally hilarious, and it usually stems from her Russian heritage.  This was no exception…when Kurt throws out Walter Payton as a “legend”, Anna comes back with “those two Russian dogs who went into space”.  I had to giggle – and god bless her, she stuck with it! She was adamant that those dogs were every bit as famous as Walter.  I love how her Russianness seems to peek through in the cutest, funniest ways :-P

Heidi: OMG, you read my mind – I was totally googling “russian dogs” and laughing at Kurt’s immediate Walter Payton  reference (he did a dance too – Google is your friend).  Best part was their confessional the next night when Kurt was poking fun at Anna for totally calling out his walking in front of 20 million people and she’s making little tiny dog noises and he’s like “bad dog”.  Hilarious. These two are pretty cute together.

That’s it for tonight, folks. And remember – CRACK is WHACK.  :-)