Heidi is feeling rather monosyllabic this evening. And since Heidi is the one writing this sentence, she is also strangely speaking in 3rd person. Probably because Heidi has had nothing to drink.

And Courtney is feeling rather blah as well – this week’s awards were a stuggle for both of us after such a dismal week.  Let’s hope next week is better…with all of this 200th episode nonsense, there are bound to be bloopers galore

Biggest Harbinger of Doom that “Rock Week” Was Going to Be a Failure: The removal of the black dance floor 30 minutes before showtime; (dis)honorable mention for wardrobe ix-naying Brooke’s leather dress

Courtney: Ok, so technically this didn’t happen during the show, but when Twitter was abuzz with these two nuggets of information mere minutes before showtime, I had to wonder: “Is this night going to be a total disaster?” The answer: yep.  I knew the dance floor must have either been a hazard to the dancers (perhaps too slick, as indicated by Lacey’s slip during the dress rehearsal, which she vehemently scolded Kyle for…poor kid!) or was messing with the lighting, since it was so shiny, but whatever it was…they must’ve been pretty damn desperate for options if they decided it had to go A HALF HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED.  I have to wonder if it maybe affected some of the routines negatively, since the couples had done the rehearsal on that floor and were likely used to it – if it was indeed too slick, maybe Derek & Jennifer made a point of really roughing up their shoes in order to get some traction, and then when they switched back to the regular floor, the extra grip made them stiff & wobbly.  Maybe Maks had the same problem, which is why he wobbled a bit when he dipped Brandy during their tango.  Who knows.  And then Brooke tweeted that her dress had been vetoed by the “Boob Patrol” – had to wonder just how treacherous this dress was, if they decided to scrap it and go with something else with so little time left to spare.  Personally I think  we’re about due for another good wardrobe malfunction…I’d love to see the censors blow a gasket if Brooke had a bit of a nip slip

Heidi: Did you notice during the opening blather when all the couples were standing on the floor that Derek was looking down at the floor and scuffing it with his foot?? Harbinger of doom indeed. Not just the difference in the floor between dress rehearsal and the show, but the frenzy that pulling it up 30 minutes before showtime that likely got passed to everyone involved. So yeah, this all occurred to me too. And the first tendrils of…concern?…were born.

The Anna Trebunskaya “Lost in Translation” Word O’ the Week: “Curtains” instead of “Cardinals”

Courtney: Oh, that adorable, unassuming, unintentionally funny little redheaded Russian of ours Last week she was comparing Walter Payton to the Russian space dogs Belka & Strelka (who, I have learned through wikipedia, were the first Earth-born creatures to go into space and return alive – if you’re a dork like me and wanna hear the full, interesting story, go here.) This week she was trying to illustrate her methods of coaxing aggression out of Kurt for their paso: reminding him that his team lost in the Superbowl.  However, what should have been “cardinals” came out sounding more like “curtains”.  Not sure if the word was just escaping her, or she was having trouble saying “Kurt” and “cardinals” in the same sentence, but it just sounded really, really cute.  I just love Anna

Heidi: My DVR musta cut that out. Seriously – I missed it. And I’m feeling inordinately cranky right now. “This show sucks” level of cranky. That’s MY fucking THEME for the week! How do you like that one, asshat producers??!?!

Asshat O’ the Week Award: Carrie Ann Inaba; (dis)honorable mention for Lacey Schwimmer

Courtney: A few weeks back it was Bruno just being flamboyantly insulting…this time it was Carrie Ann just kinda being, well…bitchy.  And arrogant.  I mentioned in my rankings that it really rubbed me the wrong way when she told Jennifer that she needed to “calm down” and seemed as though she took it as a personal insult that Jennifer didn’t do so hot this week.  What, like they’re all there to dance for YOUR viewing pleasure, Carrie Ann? And you’re gonna tell them to calm down like you’re the parent and they’re rowdy kids disrupting your soap opera viewing? What are you gonna do next, spank them like you tried unsuccessfully to do to Maks a few weeks ago? It’s just not a manner that I think adults should talk to other adults in. The crankiness continued with Kurt, whom she just kinda brushed off, saying “It wasn’t good.  It didn’t come together. Sorry.” Granted, there was a half-assed attempt at an apology (if you can call it that) when it came down to Audrina & Tony and Jennifer & Derek under the red lights, but even then, she just kinda glossed over it, saying “Yah, I was hard on Jen, but she deserves to be there.” Heidi tells me that Carrie Ann had been getting some pretty nasty @replies on Twitter all day…maybe this was a feeble attempt to save face.  I did have to snicker that they seemed to deliberately replay clips of her bitchiness during the results show, hehe. Jeez…you know it’ s a weird season when Len is the most likeable  judge up there! As for Lacey – she seemed unusually tantrum-y this week, and I can’t tell if she’s just getting flustered with Kyle or she’s coming to realize that she’s really gonna have to step up her choreo to please the judges and stand a chance against some of the other couples that are left.  Screaming during rehearsals.  Screaming at him after she slipped during their dress rehearsal (that looked particularly nasty ). Screaming at him when he slipped up during their performance.  Yikes.

Heidi: Carrie Ann Inaba can kiss my lily white ass. How’s that for bitchy?? Ya know what? It makes you look stupid when you say shit like that to contestants and then have the nerve to be all outraged that they’re “in jeopardy” – like you had no hand in it at all. And Lacey?? STFU. The end.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week: “ANGRY ROCK MOB!!! YES!!!”

Courtney: Once again, Tom diffuses a terribly awkward situation (in this case, the audience still booing quite loudly long after Kurt & Anna got their scores) by not only being funny, but managing to tie in the night’s theme God I love that man.  I’d love to get stuck in a mosh pit with him anytime!

Heidi: I thought I had dibs on The Bergeron??? Are you poaching??

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week, Part Deux: “Bandana Boy is Goin’ DOWN!” (in reference to Apolo Ohno)

Heidi: He manages to give that the emphasis that Kristi is too sweet to manage. Cracks my shit up. Poor Brooke, trying to ad lib a follow up to that, murmuring something about it being “on” now.

Courtney: Kristi gives, quite possibly, the most PC little spiel ever about the team dances, and then Tom punctuates it with this one.  He was like a kid who had downed an entire back of Pixi Sticks this week, with the comments he was making! LOL

The WTF?! Costuming Award of the Week, Female: Lacey’s feathered, gartered, corseted nightmare of a tango dress

Courtney: Word to the wise: dressing like Adam Lambert only works for Adam Lambert…and even then it sometimes still looks ridiculous.  The garter/skirt (which reminded me vaguely of her dress from her Viennese waltz with Steve-O) with the boyshorts underneath just seemed to make her thighs look huge, and I couldn’t stop focusing on the feathers on the shoulders.  I really wish the wardrobe folks would stop indulging her every edgy, rebellious whim…

Heidi:What the hell was she wearing?? Who thinks to cross a merry widow with a skirt?? And then pile more crap on top of it? In no way do I think Lacey is heavy – not at all – but I have to say that the cut of the skirt with the shorts was just not a flattering look on her. But then, it might not be flattering on anyone.

The WTF?! Costuming Award of the Week, Male: Maks’ Stormtrooper pants/shoes

Courtney: The top was ok, if not slightly Hans Solo-ish, but between the shoes and boots – he may as well have been an extra in Star Wars.  Seemed to make him look kinda flat-footed.  Brandy was equally as bad in some Halloween costume store metallic leggings…and which judge was comparing them to something out of Mad Max? Bruno? I know the costumes are slightly reminiscent of that movie, but “Holding Out for a Hero” is almost iconically associated with the famous chicken-played-on-tractors scene in Footloose.  I kept wondering when the tractors were gonna come rolling in during this tango. 

Heidi: What he did to Brandy was worse – Silver pants?? Girlfriend has great legs – you know, rocker chicks wear skirts too. And those stormtrooper pants didn’t do him the favors that his Marathon Pants did…do you want babies someday, Maks?? Then step away from the pleather. Heat and friction and tight quarters = bad for the swimmers.

The “Holy Shit it never fails to Impress” Award: Kym Johnson for her AT Dress from the Top 10 Dances

Heidi: Dayum, I’m jealous of the rockin’ bod Kym has going on in her Argentine Tango dress from Season 9, even two seasons later. I was impressed all over again. Little did I know that it would be one of the few times that I would be impressed on Monday Night.

Courtney: Kym is hotttttt.  Huh huh, huh huh.

The “Holy Shit that’s a Nice BUTT” Award: Derek Hough and Maksim Chmerkovskyi

Heidi: The gift that keeps on giving. And something for everyone. Like them big and burly with dark hair?? In this corner we have Maks of the mesmerizing marathon butt. Like them blond and slender and fast? In this corner we have Derek of the tight, tight…buns….:::thud:::

Courtney: Call me crazy but I wasn’t paying attention.  I was crabby and I’m really more of a pec girl anyway.  Speaking of which…I miss the Situation

Heidi: I’m feeding you lots of wine next week, girly. Priorities, priorities – butts are high on the list!!

Best Use of Guyliner in a Ballroom Competition: Derek Hough; Honorable Mention – Rick Fox

Heidi: Not only does guyliner really make Derek’s blue eyes pop, but it’s a press tool too. He jokingly cracks that it’s the guyliner’s fault that he and Jennifer screwed up their dance. He creates this relatively elaborate tale about sweat, etc. ending with: “If you’re a guy, don’t use eyeliner.” And proceeds to make fools out of half the press corp who borrow the story from the original source and who proceed to print it as if it WEREN’T a joke. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t pathetic. As for Rick Fox – well he just looks hot in it. Hey, when the show generally sucks you guys are going to hear a whole lot about Derek and hot male butts because that was pretty much all there was for me. Well, The Bergeron, too. Who I’m sure has a very nice butt.

Courtney: Good ol’ Rick – I get the feeling he’s someone who rolls with the punches very well.  Cheryl tells him he’s getting a faux hawk? “Ok!” Guyliner? “Sure, why not?” Wish I had more to say but…yah, guyliner looks good.  Damn these awards suck this week Sorry guys…

Heidi: Hey, we work with what we’re given. And what we were given made us exceedingly cranky. There ain’t enough wine in the world…

Award for LOL Moment, Non-Tom Bergeron Instigated: Derek Hough

Heidi: Poor Derek, ditched under the red light. Shit like that should happen more often because I LOL’ed at the way he hunched himself over like a scared little nerd. And really, how often can a pro intentionally make the Master of the Funny, Tom Bergeron, laugh without pinching his ass?? Derek seems to manage at least once a season.

Courtney: I gotta give him props for handling it way better than Karina did when the Sitch stepped over to shake Bolt’s hand during the week he was eliminated…she was freaking the hell out. 

The “Oh Please Frickin’ Spare Me” Award: The producers for another time wasting bit from all the contestants discussing how they want to win, how they’re tired, blah blah blah.

Heidi: Oh shut the hell up. :::rolls eyes:::

Courtney: Agreed.

The Broad Still Has IT Award: Ann and Nancy Wilson (HEART)

Heidi: Gee, look at that, current pop tarts!! You CAN sing live and sound pretty kick ass, even though you are not getting any younger. Dang, I love me some Heart. The pro dance was okay – still prefer the old way of doing them sans musical guest. Ah well. I’m sure that someone will say they didn’t sound that good – someone who’s a fan of Britney or some other chickie who always sounds good because she’s always lip syncing.

Courtney: I still say Ann Wilson sounds just as good now – if not better! – than she did 20 years ago.  And Nancy Wilson is just freakin’ beautiful…looks fantastic for someone that is supposedly going through a divorce right now.  I really wish they had ix-nayed some of the filler (see above award) and had Heart sing a 2nd song – “Alone”, “What About Love”, “These Dreams”, “Crazy on You”, “Never”…take your pick, they all rock.  I really wish one of them would do the show in an upcoming season…someone’s gotta salvage the reputation of 80s rockers after Belinda Carlisle got the boot so early!

The “Oh Dear God it Runs in the Family and It’s Skeery” Award: Mark Ballas

Heidi: So when he and Bristol are standing up on the steps and Brooke is reading her speil “Are they safe, or did the viewers..blah blah”, Mark actually is staring without blinking – like he’s fallen asleep with his eyes open. Skeery. Not as skeery as his dad last week, but still. The worst part is that when he is sleeping he slouches so he looks even more like a little tiny man next to Bristol.

Courtney: Once again, my theory on Mark’s birth: Shirley isn’t really his mom.  Corky just split down the middle like a paramecium and the result was Mark.

Heidi: Bwhahahaha…and she pulls one out folks!! Mark the amoeba!! I almost aspirated my diet Coke.