Another week, another cheesecake. It seems to get harder every week…Courtney preemptively left me this week to go on VACATION, so I added a couple screen caps she didn’t remark on.
The “WTF??” Award for Costuming, Female – Lacey Schwimmer
Heidi: Okay, welcome to Gone with the Wind – the Lacey Schwimmer costume gimmick version. Why, yes that that same kind of skirt material we’ve featured in other Cheesecake Awards! Why oh why does she insist on wearing clothing that is verging on awful?? Her bizarre white costume from their Jive was an improvement, but it’s still the very short, with ruffles around the hips style.
Courtney: Alright kids, time for another installment of “Dumb Stuff Court Did in College” (and yes, this does have something to do with Lacey’s ridiculous costume…stay with me!). My freshman year, I had the bright idea of starting a flirtation with one of my TA’s (big no-no) who was very into travel and had, by some miracle (or failure on the part of US customs) managed to smuggle a bottle of Romanian absinthe back into the states. For those of you unfamiliar with absinthe – it’s a bright green-colored alcohol, it’s wicked strong, and it can make you hallucinate something fierce if it’s the kind that’s distilled from wormwood (and yes, this particular variety was) – which is why it’s illegal in the US. One night Mr. TA suggested we do shots of the stuff, and to make a long story short – I spent the rest of the night alternating between being hunched over the toilet and trying to pick imaginary ants out of my hair. So what’s this have to do with Lacey’s costume, you ask? Well, the dark green part of it is what absinthe looks like in the bottle, and the pale green part is what absinthe looks like after you pour water over a sugar cube into a shot glass of it (the “French Method” of absinthe preparation). The very sight of it left me nauseous and slightly paranoid about imaginary insects. But kudos to Heidi for the Scarlett O’Hara reference – the wide-set hip area of the dress made me wonder if she had a full crinoline hoop as well as Mammy & Prissy under there! As for the jive costume…hehe…all I’m going to say is that there were some very comically placed appliqués on that nightmare…you all are free to figure that one out for yourself
Heidi: Screw that – on another blog I think they called it a crotch doilies – I would give credit if I could remember where I read it.
Award for Best Good Natured Diss – Kyle Massey re: Lacey “She’s like an angry little baby.”
Heidi: Okay, LOL – never has a pro been so accurately characterized by their celeb partner and in such a charming way. Bet the angry little baby wasn’t really that happy about that.
Courtney: Lacey, like her cousin Heidi Groskreutz (who got called out for this on season 2 of SYTYCD) has a tendency to make what Nigel Lythgoe refers to as “Cabbage Patch doll faces” when either performing or getting angry. Must be a Schwimmer thing. So the angry baby comparison is pretty apt.
Bergeron Line O’ the night: “BTW, that sound you heard was Foreigner, weeping” Runner Up: “So, being cool lasted all of…12 seconds.”
Heidi: I know right, Tom?? I think there was a little bit of playacting going on by a lot of the pros and celebs (at the producers suggestion, similar to how they pretended to randomly draw a CD – please). But dude, LOL – and your follow up regarding Mark and Bristols song? Equally brilliant. And nice shot to Maks for his inability to hold his cool.
Courtney: I think I’ve figured out my favorite Tom Bergeron trait: he ain’t afraid to call the pros, celebs, or judges out for being stupid, and he does it in such a way that you can’t really be mad at the guy…he’s just too funny. I have to wonder if the whole “Gee, I’ve never heard of Foreigner/Mas Que Nada/Teenage Dream/Hella Good/Good Golly Miss Molly” act was a ploy to make the instant dance sound harder than it really was. Considering everyone did decently well, and a lot of these songs are very well-known, I have a hard time believing that some of the pros & celebs had no idea what these songs were. And to Jennifer & Derek – you were almost dead to me when you drew a blank on one of my top 10 favorite bands of all-time. “Jukebox Hero”? “Cold as Ice”? “I Wanna Know What Love Is?” None of this is ringing any bells???? And Maks…hehe…you know you’re being a bit silly if Tom is calling you out, buddy. Let it go…the Berg knows best
The Award for Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed, Week 8 – the “Locker room Check In” with the Celeb couples prior to the Insta-dance
Heidi: Sheesh. That was overly dramatic and kinda silly. The Insta-dance itself worked out pretty well, but Brooke as a “locker room reporter”? Not so much. Kinda silly. Let the people practice. And those sparkly storage containers?? LOL!! I wonder just how much labor went into the construction of those bad boys.
Courtney: I wonder how much of the currently-vacant Idol backlot they had to annex to create the 4 “practice stages”. Seemed like a colossal waste to me – they seriously couldn’t have just set aside a few areas of hardwood backstage and let the couples practice in peace? I don’t really know about you guys, but I didn’t really need to see them practicing, let alone having bimbo Brooke the “locker room reporter” interrupt them to ask them once more how “hard” everything was. Aaaagghhh…overkill. And Kurt’s comment to Anna “Anna, you look beautiful, now get back here and let’s practice!”…sure sounded scripted to me. Eee gad.
The Award for Most Annoyingly Predictable Packages – The producers.
Heidi: Mix it up boys and girls and jerks. Jennifer is not always in pain (see Dance Center), I’m sure Lacey doesn’t spend all her time screaming at Kyle and I’m pretty damn sure that Bristol and Mark aren’t rays of freakin’ sunshine all the damn time. Oh, and quit using her damn mother (and child) for ratings because people might actually STOP watching the damn show if she wins because of it!!! Geez!!
Courtney: I am half tempted to fast forward all the way through the packages and judges critiques anymore and just watch the dances themselves…but then I might miss valuable cheesecake material. I do this for you guys! Hahah. Yah, I am going to use my astounding powers of ESPN to predict what’s going to be in next week’s packages: Jennifer will be injured, another member of the Palin clan will stop in to observe Mark & Bristol’s practice, Brandy will be sassy, and Kyle & Lacey will look like hobos while Lacey screams. Remember kids – you heard it here first
Heidi: Hobos in $2 pants, if Dance Center is anything to go by. LOL
Award for Most Melodrama in a Dance – Brandy and Maks’ Waltz
Heidi: Very beautiful costumes and a very pretty dance, but the faces Brandy was making probably weren’t supposed to make me laugh. Girlfriend isn’t an actress, is she?? LOL.
Courtney: Heidi, of course she’s an actress – she was on Moesha, right? The first time I watched this waltz, I think I just was a bit ADD and didn’t notice the over-the-top drama of it. Then I watched it again…and again…and again…and lol’ed each time. I haven’t seen such melodramatic face pulling since Benji Schwimmer. Pretty dance, don’t get me wrong…but I could have done with a lot less of the overacting.
The “WTF??” in Judging Award – Week 8 – Len on Brandy and Maks’ Waltz
Heidi: Dude, generally not a good idea to tell someone (and the audience) that Brandy had issues and then proceed to say you don’t care and give her a ten. For real? Somebody put happy pills in your Spotted Dick??
Courtney: Once again, this continues to be the season of WTF when Len is the most lenient judge up there…especially since he seems to have assumed the “Paula” role on the panel. So maybe the whole happy pills theory isn’t too far off, Heidi…Tom did say it was a sign of the apocalypse with Len lecturing Bruno on being nice…
The Award for Best Guest Star in a Package – Steve O; Honorable Mention(s) – Joel Grey and Kurt’s Kids.
Heidi: Steve-O and the air horn – best non-dancing thing from Monday night. LOL. Then the nudity. Dear lord. Joel Grey? I just love him. I included Kurt’s kids in here at the last minute because it was cracking me up that all his kids were giving him 9′s and 10′s – except one. Hilarious. That kid was meaner than Carrie Ann!!
Courtney: The mean kid who gave the 7 is probably going through his rebellious teenage years But those twin girls of Kurt’s are just darling! God I love Steve-O – I think he’s been my favorite partner of Lacey’s, just due to how off-the-wall the pairing was to begin with, and how well it ended up working out. Leave it to Steve-O to come up with the most hilarious of distractions for Kyle – the air horn, the basketball, the nudity (did he do jumping jacks? Haha), and the leaf blower. Such a lovable imp – just like Kyle. I remember Lacey tweeting something last week about going to see Steve-O do stand-up, so I’m wondering if they came up with this little gem of an idea on the fly. And Joel Grey? Seriously seems like the most supportive, encouraging, wise father ever. And he’s just so darn adorable, I want him to come to my house at Christmas and drink hot toddies and tell fun stories. Or maybe play a skinny singing Santa. Who knows.
Most Shocking Error by a Host – Tom Bergeron!
Heidi: The world is ending. This NEVER happens and it happened twice in one week!! First Tom announce Kyle with a reference to Foreigner (that was Jen’s song), and then on the results show he totally boo booed on the announcing Kurt and Jennifer – safe or red light of doom. Yo, it’s shocking because this man is a genius.
Courtney: Again, another possible sign of the apocalypse: Tom fouls up twice, while Brooke doesn’t make any mistakes this week. You know, this season may very well be getting to him too…could be zapping his creativity and brain power. All the more reason for things to normalize and Bristol to go home. I blame her for Tom’s deterioration
The Award for Most Misplaced Whine – Bristol Palin; (Dis)Honorable Mention – Maks Chmerkovskiy
Heidi: Yo, Bristol, everyone had the same amount of time to rehearse their insta-dance, this wasn’t just about you. Yo, Bristol, ANYONE else would have gotten 6’s on that Samba…actually, maybe this is better directed at Mark. He’s elevated your expectations. LOL to Mark saying that the AT was better than their V. Waltz but it got the same score – Dude, the V. Waltz was OVER SCORED. Nice try though. I can kinda understand your confusion because once they start the overscoring on a couple, it’s hard for them to STOP – which makes it confusing. As for Maks – we’ve been over this 500 times, but I just have to say when your complaints during the show last longer than your actual dancing does, maybe it’s OVERKILL. Dude, you talk to a dozen media outlets right after the show. Save it. And ALL that for a *28* – to anyone else that’s a great score. And the Cha Cha –ing you did really wasn’t worth a 28, so from where I’m sitting you should be happy.
Courtney: Forget Bristol. If I heard Mark whine one more time about how he fouled up their samba, I was going to claim responsibility for its sucktasticness myself just to spite him “Guys, it’s my fault that Bristol & Mark got a sucky score for their samba. I was ruining it by osmosis from my couch.” And I’ve already said my piece on Maks multiple times, so I’ll just sum it up: if you do something you know you’re not supposed to and get called out for it, suck it up – you have no room to argue. It’s like getting busted doing something illegal and then trying to fight with the cops – “But officer, I didn’t know that smoking meth was illegal. I work so hard all day long and you don’t understand what I’m going through…” You get the idea. Just…silly.
The “WTF??” Costuming Award, Male – Mark Ballas
Courtney: That jacket he wore for their A. tango? Made him look like some sort of Star Trek villain. I was half expecting him to declare war on the Federation or order the bridge to warp between gaunchos in that tango.
Heidi:Dude, thanks a hell of a lot. You made me re-watch that dance because I didn’t remember the jacket. As a result I saw Mark feel Bristol up again and I’m sorry but that kinda made me go “Ick” – and not because of Bristol. I just think Mark is trying TOO hard. And then I saw those weak, dull (as in non-crisp) legs and I got annoyed all over again at that 24. So, all of this is pretty much YOUR fault. Anyway, on to the jacket. For some reason, the collar (or lack thereof) made me think The Beatles, but they had standup collars on the Nehru jackets, didn’t they? Then there was the wacky cut across the front…you’re right. Star Trek sans red shirt. Are we challenging people to Google every week so they get the “red shirt” reference and Nehru jackets reference?? I wonder – all this crap is before my time, so what I’m really wondering is if I’m weirder than I realize.
Best Reaction to Instant Choreo – Anna channeling the Fonz
Courtney: Oh my little fiery-tressed Russian strikes again. Loved her emphatic thumbs up and totally sarcastic grin anytime anyone mentioned the instant choreo. Everyone seemed to think the idea was a bit nuts, it seemed…even the Berg seemed to chuckle in disbelief anytime he said the phrase “instant choreography”. But Anna took the cake for me – hearty laughter from the audience each time she assumed that expression.
Heidi:I have to give her credit – that was the best non-verbal “this is f@#ked up” I have ever seen.
The Award for Best Segment EVER on DWTS – ANY Episode of Dance Center
Heidi: Dance Center, how do I love thee, let me count the ways…I think I’ll just put in some screen caps and Courtney and I will comment on the appropriately.
Courtney: Maybe I’m just a fuddy-duddy (or just stressed about packing and getting everything ready for vacay), but Dance Center is just ok to me. Parts of it a quite funny, but on the whole – the Berg is the height of comedy for me on this show However, I will join you in that captioning fun you speak of…
Heidi: Botany??? Dance Center is making an ass out of me, isn’t it. Is there a joke hidden here or are the boys being just totally random?
Courtney: Yah, right…if Brandy’s into botany, then I’m into collecting ceramic clowns and playing the vuvuzela in my spare time.
Heidi: Strange guy I work with ordered a vuvuzela from Africa during the world cup and blew it outside my office. He’s now walking funny. Ridiculous purchase, too, since it was made in China.
Heidi: I think the best part for me is how they spelled chicken, “chickin” -freakin’ hilarious OR the producers flunked 4th grade – you be the judge.
Courtney: Oops Mark, I think you forgot some of the weekly essentials…rose petals, massage oil, votive candles, chocolate truffles, satin sheets…damn, what else am I forgetting? Oh that’s right…eyeliner.
Heidi: Hee…I was so tempted to photoshop in a “Covergirl” reference but didn’t do it.
Courtney: Ok, now you’ve all heard of “mom jeans”…but are these mom…Hammer pants?! You can’t touch this…and I don’t want to either…*shudder*
Heidi: They had multiple shots of poor Lacey’s clothing that I could have capped, but at the time I was doing it I was feeling kind. My first instinct was to cap the slashed up sweatshirt circa Flashdance – they labeled it “free”. LOL. I was also being kind when I didn’t screen cap Lacey stuffing her face while Kyle busted his butt, with a voice over of how hard she works or some such thing.
Heidi: Okay, the whole Jennifer and Derek section was hilarious for multiple reasons, not the least of which was seeing Len say, “That Derek, he’s so cute” in that British accent – LOL. And the tie in of her age as infant, with her characters name in Dirty Dancing (Baby), and Derek rocking her – and then saying that yes, faking an injury is dirty dancing…hilarious but partly predictable. Funniest part of that was the Dirty Dancing part – some bone heads on some un-named message boards were like “Oh look, they are outing her for faking her injuries”. :::rolls eyes::: No, dumbass, they read what some idiots were saying and are satirizing YOU. But the reason why I included this one is because of the Favorite Color. Is there an inside joke here I’m missing?? Oh crap. Just as I was typing this I got it. Light black = Grey. Oh my DUH.
Heidi: This one was a tad predictable as well, but I guffawed anyway. Part of the fun of Dance Center is the way these three guys talk to each other. Well, that and the star under Jerry’s eye, Len’s chest tattoo and…everything about Kenny. Hilarious.
Courtney: Ok Heidi, you go grab the duct tape – it’s time to play “Edward Brandyhands”.
Heidi: There are times when this show would be easier to watch if I had a liquor bottle duct taped to my hand, I have to say. But not Brandy. Brandy is icky.
Courtney: Oh look – they managed to sew together several of Lacey’s costumes in order to make Kenny look as ridiculous as possible.
Heidi: There are at least three of her skirts in that mess. And here we have an episode of “Who Wore it Better?” Isn’t that Tony’s shirt from his season with Melissa?? Someone in the comments said it was. He was also wearing it when gluing the tiny mirrrors on the mirror ball. As for who wore it better – well, the fact that it is being worn during Dance Center should tell you something.
Heidi: Favorite food – bananas. Bwahahaha…and how is it these guys can make “Zamboni” sound REALLY dirty?