What are we protesting, you may ask?? Well, we are protesting all the fun being sucked right out of the show by Hurricane Bristol and all the CRAP surrounding her. Not her fault, per se, but the fault of wacky fans everywhere. I’m going to have to delete the DWTS related search columns on my tweetdeck because of all the right wing demands to vote for Bristol to make liberal heads explode. Hello? Can you BE more cheesey?? What kind of moron thinks that a dance show will make “liberal” heads explode? The heads exploding belong to those of us who can see that Bristol can’t DANCE. Period. Pretty sure they cross the political spectrum, especially since Courtney and I cross the political spectrum between us and we both think it’s wack. If Kelly Osborne had danced like this I think most fans of the show would be having the same reaction. And what kind of freak thinks that Bristol winning this show is any kind of political statement?? Crazy f*$kers, that’s who.
As I said in the comments, I think I will actually feel sorry for Bristol and Mark if they end up winning (but if people actually VOTE I don’t think they will win) – never in the history of the show will a win be so totally dismissed as irrelevant and not truly earned. And it won’t actually be their fault! They’ve both just doing what they’re supposed to do (except that bit where Mark was imitating CAI – that was classless and tacky). But they will get little credit for that and will go down in DWTS history as the least deserving winners ever. Blame the judges, IMO. BUT IF PEOPLE FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE AND VOTE SHE WON’T WIN. Just sayin’. This is the one part of the show that is like politics – if you didn’t vote, you don’t really get to complain about how the government is running things. Anyway….on with the show.
Award for the Professional Dancer Most Likely to Have an Identity Crisis If He Isn’t Already: Mark Ballas
Heidi: Yo, dude, you are exhibiting serious addiction to guyliner. More than twice a season and you have to start asking yourself what’s what. “Why do I like eyeliner so much. Is it just because it really makes my eyes pop?? Or have I somehow convinced myself that I am a Rock GOD??” Mark looks at his hands and realizes…”HOLY CRAP, I must have painted my nails black in my sleep!! What is happening to me?!?! Why am I channeling Tommy Lee??” Okay, wow, I’m kinda cracking myself up which means NO ONE else will find this amusing. Seriously, dude, lighten up – guyliner is fine in MODERATION. Moderation is the key. You’ve almost made guyliner into eye shadow – and no one wants to see that. And to anyone who didn’t notice, I wasn’t kidding about the fingernails – he really did paint them black. Crap. Now the Rolling Stones are in my head.
Courtney: Y’know, if Mark really wants to emulate Tommy Lee, he’s gonna need to procure a raging case of Hepatitis C He is really just annoying me anymore – all of a sudden, he’s developed a case of oral diarrhea that rivals even some of Maks’ best rants, he’s doing dumb, pointless stuff in routines (monkey suits, doffing his shirt for no reason), and he’s still trying to project this image of being Mark Ballas, the Rock God. I wonder if part of it has to do with having the most controversial celeb this season and just buckling under the pressure – and another part of me wonders if he’s doing it intentionally to get the boot. Lord knows it’s probably not super fun for either he or Bristol right now – it’s seriously better for everyone involved with the show at this point if they do not win, IMO. So if the guyliner is an attempt to exude extreme douchitude and get booted because of it – I’ll be taking donations of MAC Eye Kohl in Smolder to ship to him to help the effort
Award for Best Pro Response to Inane Brooke Burke Questions: Derek Hough, after Brooke asks him how it “feels” to get a perfect 30, responds with a sardonic “I’m so disappointed”.
Heidi: Okay, this is as close as Derek gets to sarcastic in public and it’s quite, quite amusing. I mean really, Derek and Jennifer get a perfect 30 and the best question Brooke can come up with is her usual “how does that feel” – ya think maybe it doesn’t SUCK, Brooke?? Geez. Derek also has a light touch – he does it in such a way that even Brooke laughs at it. Non Sequitur by Heidi: Has anyone noticed that he’s got great biceps this season? Goodness.
Courtney: Good grief, Brooke – you and your prepackaged, generic questions. I can only imagine if she posed that same question to someone who had just gotten injured badly…”How does that feel?” “Feels great, Brooke – I’m really a masochist so I get off on pain. Would you like to come to my dungeon later and play with my whips and paddles?”
Award for Best Production F*^K Up of Week 9: the Camera Men During Kyle and Lacey’s Cha Cha
Heidi: You guys are supposed to film the dancers…not each other. Did Carrie Ann give you some of her crack??
Courtney: Wasn’t one of them quite visibly scampering out of the shot a moment later? Seriously – the production staff must be comprised of Muppets & orangutans this season.
Len Goodman Line O’ The Night: (To Kyle:) “You really had the most bounce for the ounce.”
Heidi: Okay, props to Len – that was a pretty good one. But since this is the protest edition, that’s all I have the energy to say.
Courtney: Hehe. That’s all I can muster. Moving on…
Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Bruno’s Book of Effusive Adjectives will be available for holiday gift giving”
Heidi: Hee. Marry Me Tom. Only a very smart, funny guy can come up with that line (Effusive Adjectives? Man after my own heart) on the fly.
Courtney: Got a Bruno lover in the family??? No holiday gift-giving is complete without the book of effusive adjectives, the Bruno dance video, and the Tiny Bruno iPhone app!!!!
And now, folks, you get the real meaning of “Protest” – we can’t work up any more funny at all. Maybe the finale. That’s usually cheesetastic.