Ahhh…the last cheesecake of the year. It’s all good – we need a vacay. Some would say desperately.

Biggest Disappointment: The returning stars’ dances

Courtney: It was actually painful to watch some of these The Hoff belting the theme song to Baywatch while Kym, Peta, and another pro frolic about in red swimsuits? Margaret & Florence prancing around in the world’s tackiest costumes while the resident pocket-sized pros (Louis & Corky) gyrate around them? Rick & Kurt doing the requisite “Athlete vs. Athlete” paso doble in costumes in their old teams’ colors? Don’t even get me started on The Situation’s dance…if you can even call it that.  It was more like an exercise in self-love and machismo.  As for Brandy & Maks…*sigh* Yes, it was and still is a very cute quickstep, but seeing it for a 3rd time was a bit of a yawn for me.  I know, I know, they allegedly ”didn’t have any time” to  choreograph something new – but from what I’ve seen of finale-hopefuls on the show in the past, some of them actually start working on their freestyle as soon as the show starts…they literally start brainstorming and choreographing from week 1.  I was kinda hoping Brandy & Maks had maybe done the same thing and had at least a portion of their freestyle that they could have performed for us, especially since Bruno requested it.  Oh well.  I guess I should have expected to be let down by the returning celebs’ dances, since they’ve been on a pretty steady decline the past few seasons.  I still shudder at that reprise of Kate’s paso last season

Heidi: Well, at least the opening dance wasn’t the massive trainwreck that it was last season. I mean, that’s really all you can expect me to remember, right? Seriously, I watched them again and I thought Anna’s dress was really cute and did you notice she had Kurt’s number inked in small numbers on her back?? Digging deep for something positive to say and I’m coming up pretty empty. The Sitch’s was so bad that it wasn’t even cheesy – it was just bad.

The “Zip it!!!” Award: Bristol’s comment about giving the middle finger to all her “haters”

Courtney: Oy vey.  If a good portion of viewers were like me, they probably let out a collective “D’oh!” and slapped their foreheads a la Homer Simpson when this gem slipped past Bristol’s lips in the confessional.  Even Mark seemed to let out a little warning yip as she said it, as if saying “DUDE! DON’T TAKE IT THERE!” If there’s anything that I don’t think ANY competitor should do in the finals, it’s being anything less than gracious and polite – and this comment kinda stomped all over that.  It just came across as a bit vindictive and actually kinda crass to me – and I don’t think it helped that she brought up her mom’s name.  And even if she did win – I don’t think it would have been much of a proverbial “middle finger” to her “haters” (and while we’re at it, I’m totally sick of hearing that word – it just sounds dumb…can we agree on a suitable synonym? Naysayers? Detractors? Skeptics?), considering that it seemed a pretty widely-held opinion that Bristol did not deserve to win…at least based on merit.  And I can just hear the Bristol defenders now, calling me a “hater” just because I don’t worship the ground she walks on.  I’m only gonna say this once: Bristol seems like a decently nice girl, but I don’t think she’s a good dancer and I don’t think it was appropriate for her to make that comment.  That is not “hating”; that is having a rational opinion of someone that doesn’t involve any sort of personal vendetta.  I’d say the same thing about anyone else on the show who said the same thing and was not a good dancer. And spare me the crap about how “Bristol is just a kid!” and “How would you feel if you were in  her shoes and getting all this hate?” I don’t think anyone that signs up for the show should get preferential treatment just because of their age – there have been several contestants younger than Bristol that have dealt with the pressure just fine.  And signing up for a reality show of ANY kind basically guarantees a target on your back for ridicule…anyone that thinks otherwise is living in a dream world.

Heidi: I know right? Bristol, that poor “kid” with all the “haters” is laughing all the way to the bank after making about 350k on DWTS and charging 35k a pop at her speaking engagements. That’s very…motivational speakerish…of her. I would be very eager to help teens for that wage too. My point, in talking about the cash, is that it just rings very false when she complains about haters. I’m sure there are actual haters out there (and no I don’t mean it in the bulls*^t way the immature tend to throw it around on this site and others when you don’t kiss someone’s butt), but they ALL have them – even the pros have “haters”. DEAL with it – you chose the public eye. I agree that she seems like a nice girl, but I didn’t like her behavior that last week (or recently) – SHE made it as much about politics and her mom as anyone did. My gripe was that she was NOT a good dancer, compared to several people who didn’t make it to the final. But it sure is convenient to cry politics for her fans, and quite hard to argue that she’s a great dancer. And yes, I hate that word “haters” and how it’s used as well – very immature.

The “Gag me with a SPOON!!!” Award: Mark Ballas and his pre-cage dance pep talk to Bristol

Heidi: :::hurl, puke, gack::: Mark saying, “Be a bad bitch. A bad bitch. Gimme some SEX…” This, I’m sorry to say, took me to a place in Mark’s private life that I REALLY didn’t want to go. I mean, ick. I never thought I was the sensitive type, but hearing those words come out of his mouth really really…..disturbed me. And the tone of voice!! What the hell kind of pep talk is this? I’ve never been a prude (far from it, actually) but this was just…ick. They didn’t even put in the captioning with the first part – would the network get them for the written word and not the spoken one? Everytime I watch this little segment (the things I do for you people) I cringe all over again.

Courtney: *shudder* Glad I wasn’t the only one that thought that exchange was icky.  I found it funny that he told her to “give him some sex” – isn’t that kinda counterproductive to her activisting? (Did you all catch the made up word? ) And isn’t that what got her into trouble in the first place? Oh, the irony.  And if any guy is gonna call me a bad bitch and ask for sex…I’m gonna need at least an expensive dinner and a good bottle of wine before I’m even gonna think about obliging, hehe.  I would expect a bit more out of Mark…I mean, he is Mr. Romance…couldn’t he have sprinkled some rose petals in the cage and popped open some bubbly before making that request? Or perhaps recited some Shakespeare?

Heidi: Activisting…hmmm, let me call Oxford, maybe you can get it added. I hadn’t even thought of the irony – thank you, oh wise one, for taking my train of thought into the station at the end of the line.

The “SHOW MUST GO ON!!” Award: Jennifer Grey

Heidi: Girlfriend has cojones people – and Broadway in her blood, apparently. A ruptured disk, a day at the hospital, and still she dances. For all the people whining about her crying too much and some claims of her faking it, the woman is hurt enough to require surgery last week and still sucked it up and performed, and did NOT utter a word any of the 500 times that Brooke asked her if her body was holding up. To the point that Brooke gets her own award again. GET WELL SOON, JENNIFER!!!

Courtney: My heart jumped up into my throat when they brought her out at the beginning of the show to talk about her injury…I was like “Noooo! Don’t tell me she’s bowing out at the 11th hour!!! Soldier through, Jennifer, soldier though! You’re almost there!” And thankfully, she did.  And I completely echo Heidi’s sentiments about all the naysayers who were accusing Jennifer of malingering and faking her injuries – doctors don’t perform surgeries on minor bumps & bruises, and a ruptured disk is not something you can easily fake, like a stomach ache. 

The “OH, STFU, Already” Award: Brooke Burke, asking Jennifer how her body was holding up no less than 500 times in a 2 hour period.

Heidi: Brooke, if she didn’t confess that she was going to fall apart the first three times you asked her, I doubt you were going to trick her into giving it all away the last 15 times you asked. The only time I really got that she was hurt was the look on her husband’s face after her first dance – dude was less than happy. Even my mother – the sage – mentioned it: “Her poor husband was soo worried.” I was like, “Mom, I have a really bad cold (to the point of not leaving my couch in four days) and you’re in paroxysms of guilt because you didn’t call me yesterday to see how I was – of course he was worried about her dancing with a ruptured disk.” But seriously, every time Brooke spoke to her, that was all she had – “Jennifer, how’s your body holding up??” She did manage to try Derek one of those times – “Derek, how scared were you?” I bet she about popped a blood vessel when Derek turned it into a “oh, everyone’s scared but I’m just glad we’re all here…yadda yadda PC Derek PC verbiage….” LOL. Poor Brooke – that had to be a frustrating night with no one cooperating and giving her the dirt/scoop she so desperately wanted.

Courtney: She’s like a discount parakeet at the pet store – y’know, the one that can only repeat a few useless phrases, and is incapable of learning new ones? I think I’ll just refer to her as Brooke the parakeet from now on.  For the love of all things sacred Brooke, please – either improve or quit.  You drive me bananas with your inane questions and subpar improvisational interviewing skills.

Heidi: LOL – but it did lead to a pretty good funny from Tom B. After the last scores and Derek’s PC response, Brooke says, “Oh, it just got very serious in here.” To which Tom replied, “That’s them SERIOUS??” I LOL’ed – dude kinda poked Brooke with a “don’t listen to the voices in your head” stick with that one. Maybe he’s trying to train her in improv? We can hope.

The “Pardon me, I was just hit by a truck” Award – Christina Aguilera

Heidi: I love Xtina, but the saying “rode hard and put away wet” kept running through my mind when watching her perform her first song. What’s going on here? The woman can undoubtedly sing, no question. She was just lookin’ a bit rough on this evening. “Beautiful” was beautifully done though – great song.

Courtney: I think the phrase that came to mind when I saw her had something to do with a train (those with dirtier minds can probably figure that one out ).  I mean, eee gad…did she even brush her hair before hitting the stage? And while I still think she’s a great singer, she seems to be developing a case of Mariah & Whitney-itis – her voice is sounding a little worn live, compared to what it used to be.  Maybe she was having an off-night – who knows.  But I have heard rumors floating around about her possibly being pregnant – and at first I brushed them off as nonsense, but I did go and see Burlesque last week and it is a bit peculiar how different her body looks in it.  She’s definitely curvier now.  Who knows.  It was nice to see some familar faces performing with her on the results show though – anyone catch Chelsea Traille from SYTYCD season 4? Or Paula Van Oppen, the chick who turned down a spot in the top 20 of SYTYCD season 6 in order to do this movie? Or Tyne Stecklein of This is It fame who performed on DWTS last season with Teddy Forance? If only Julianne had been there.  *sigh*

The WTF??? Award for Costuming, Female: Lacey Schwimmer (Insta-Cha Cha)

Heidi: What the hell is that thing?? It’s not lace, exactly, but it’s some kind of sparkly see-though body stocking with fringe attached over a bra and panties. Can I just vote her off the show for that outfit?? Girlfriend’s taste in costuming just seems to get worse and worse as the weeks go by. I’m pretty sure it’s possible to be edgy without being…..THAT. Whatever that is.

Courtney: Now while I don’t want to sway the voting of the end-of-season awards in any way, I have to say – I will be very surprised if Lacey does not win the worst dressed award.  I mean, that black thing she was wearing…I mean, I don’t even quite know what to call it.  Lady Gaga meets Elvira meets potential S&M costume reject pile? Ai ai ai.  But I guess it’s what we’ve come to expect from Lacey!

Tom Bergeron Line ‘O the Night: “We don’t give them food, water…The Ballroom is like a veal pen”

Heidi: Smart is sexy, fer sure. So, raise your hand if you didn’t get the veal joke. I got it, but I always wonder if I’m alone in getting some of his obscure comments. That’s a slight paraphrase by the way. Court accidentally deleted the full thing and I’m too lazy to go back for an exact quote.

Courtney: *shudder* I don’t really want to think about veal in graphic detail, but I do give Tom props for yet another apt, cerebral reference.

The OTT Production Tick of Finale Night: The scores, all about the scores and nothing but the scores.

Heidi: Between them explaining the scoring, showing us the scores and Brooke asking about Jennifer’s body ad nauseum, we could have had one hell of a drinking game on Tuesday night. The hangover would have been murder. I mean, has DWTS ever seemed MORE defensive than it was this season?? Between “boo gate”, “maks gate”, etc. and the scoring issues, they are just bizarrely defensive. Suck it up, Conrad. Quit buying into your own hype and just enjoy the buzz. Who cares if they were booing Palin or not? Most who watch the show regularly know that wasn’t the case. The scoring is very clearly explained on the website and the press are too stupid to get it, then screw ‘em. Being so defensive on both issues makes it seem like you WERE playing politics, and not in a good way.

Courtney: Why didn’t they just have Conrad walk center stage holding a sign that had in bold caps “WE ARE NOT RIGGING THE VOTING!” Because methinks the show doth protest too much – the more energy you put into explaining the voting & scoring process, the more we wonder if you really are hiding something nefarious.  Let it be, powers that be!