Dancing with the Stars Season 12, Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

We’re Baaaaack!!! It’s easy, it’s cheesey, it’s Dancing With The Stars!!! For those new to this site, Courtney and I hand out weekly awards for the funniest, cheesiest and occassionally most annoying aspects of this show. Sometimes we’re serious, sometimes we’re silly…and sometimes we’re dirty. Well, I’m dirtier than Courtney. More practice. :-) Mostly, we pick on the show and all the people involved in it. WARNING: if you are a hypersensitive fan of someone on the show, check your sensitivity at the door. We even pick on the people WE like. :-)

On with the show…

The Award for Most Unintended Innuendo: Chelsea Kane

Heidi: This is mostly my brain at work on a glass (or two) of wine. When Chelsea says, “Yes, I got to kiss Joe Jonas. It didn’t suck” I confess my first thought was “Oh, you poor thing, he didn’t….” Oh. Wait. Totally not what she’s talking about.

Courtney: Pretty sure the purity ring would have gotten in the way.

Award for Most Intended Innuendo (That Went Over Most Everyone’s Head): Bruno to Chelsea – “You started on your back, you ended on your back, and everything in between was pure afterglow!”

Courtney: Was I the only one who raised an eyebrow to this? ;-) Somehow I think Bruno might have gotten the order mixed up a bit, though…doesn’t the afterglow come after the main event, and not during? Then again, maybe my boudoir adventures have tended towards the tame…or maybe Bruno likes to do things completely out of order.  Best part: I don’t think Mark or Chelsea really picked up on the blantant innuendo of it…or if they did, they played it off quite well.  Can’t imagine that Mark didn’t pick up on that one…;-)

Heidi: Oh, all my eyebrows were raised. :-) And where the hell was Tommy B. in this?? No way did he let that comment slide! Oh, Wait. He saw the purity ring and figured it was pointless. Or more uncomfortable. As for Mark, well, he’s been thinking about that for a while…

Award for the Earliest Start to a Showmance: Mark Ballas

Heidi: Kissing, rolling around on the floor, teasing…dude has a thing for chaste girls named Chelsea (ie)? ;-) How long until he whips out the guitar and serenades her to calm her down?

Courtney: This may be a record even for Mark – getting smoochy with his partner during their first rehearsal?! What’s the next step…canoodling in the Celebraquarium? Or do we move directly to the weekends in Napa/rosepetals on the bed/satin sheets phase of the relationship?

Heidi: You forgot the candles.

The Award for Most Hip Analogy by a Sixty Year Old: Len Goodman and his BEP reference.

Heidi: So, in Len’s mind the BEP are a crazy mess? Because I’m pretty sure that when he said Chelsea’s Foxtrot went all “Black Eyed Peas” in the middle, it was NOT a compliment. :-)

Courtney: Blech.  I hate the Peas. And Len is right – they’re a crazy mess.  Didn’t you see the Superbowl??? They had to bring in Usher midway through the performance to save the day. Almost as hot a mess as Xtina flubbing the national anthem…almost.

Heidi: Oh, they were indeed a mess – interesting analogy for good ole Len, though. :-)

The Award for Most Schizophrenic Backstage Crew Members (AKA: Award for Backstage Crew Members with an Unhealthy Fixation on the Three Bears): The Hair Department.

Heidi: I found Anna’s hair to be TOO BIG, but Lacey’s hair was too small…while Petra’s hair was juuuust right. Seriously, how can they do such a beautiful job on Petra’s hair (and others) then go so huge on Anna that her head looks like it belongs in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? And me thinks they just avoid Lacey altogether cause that girl looked like she hadn’t seen shampoo in a month. L’Oreal is your friend, sister – the brunette shade. Gawd, that was some seriously bad hair, two tone AND oily. Ick.

Courtney: Anna looked like either Miss Texas USA 1976 or June Carter Cash’s redheaded Russian cousin.  Country bumpkin hair TO THE MAX.  Lacey…looked like trailer trash.  Sorry, but she did. Those roots look ridiculous against the fried blonde of the rest of her hair.  I sure hope the hair department either mandates a color change or finds a way to hide her roots with a headband or something next week.  Petra was a vision – reminded me of a young Ingrid Bergman.  Just lovely. :-)

Most Boobage Ever to Appear on DWTS Award: Wendy Williams

Heidi: To quote Spamalot, “she has huuuge tracts of laaand.” Anyone who has seen that musical will immediately see the hand motions that go with that line and hear the British accent.

Courtney: The first glimpse I caught of Wendy making her way down those glittery stairs nearly blinded me.  All I could see was BOOBS for days! And this wasn’t in the same class as Kym’s Awesome Boobage (TM); these were scary boobs – looked like they might jump out and bite me if I wasn’t careful.  Kids, this is the reason your parents told you not to sit so close to the TV – renegade boobs could gravely injure you. 

Heidi: Just imagine if you had 3-D TV and you were wearing the glasses. It would be like…well, scary.

Moment of the Night that Shouldn’t be Hurl-worthy but was: Dmitry and Declaring the War of the Chests

Heidi: Automatic FAIL. I think I might have gagged aloud. And yes, I am a straight female. :-) And no, I don’t know why I have that reaction. Maybe it’s the implied arrogance. And yes, I know the producers write a lot of that crap that goes into the opening, but I MUCH prefer the way Derek reads his lines (I’m rough, I’m tough, I’m Derek Hough) and then laughs his little tiny butt off like it’s one of the most ridiculous thing EVER. And it was. Until now.

Courtney: I think my analogy to Heidi on Twitter went something like this: “Dmitry is like a housecat to Tony’s panther & Maks’ lion.” This was just so…feeble.  It may as well have been Milton from Office Space (“I’d really like my stapler back, p-p-please.”) up there challenging Mark & Maks to a chest-off.  And while we’re on that topic – I think Tony’s chest is more formidable than Mark’s.  And it may be more formidable than Maks’, even.  Dude is DIESEL…quite possibly the most cut of the male pros.  He could be freebasing protein shakes or something, who knows. 

The Award for Getting Away with Breaking the Most Unwritten Rules in One Night: Dmitry Chaplin

Heidi: I might actually have to give him props because if you’re going to break rules (or hit on the judges pet peeves), it sure is best to get it out of the way on the first night when they’re feeling very forgiving. A lift AND having your partner sit on her ass in the audience AND fussing about (TM Len) with your jacket all in one dance?? Okey Dokey then, buddy, you got LUCKY.

Courtney: I think Dmitry also lucked out in having Petra – I think it’s impossible for anyone to hate her.  She’s just so SAINTLY.  I have a feeling they could have done multiple, INTENTIONAL lifts, been completely off-time, futzed around in the audience, and messed with a coat, a feather duster, a table, and an orangutan and still gotten a reprieve from the judges.  And I wouldn’t blame them…she’s the Mother Theresa of the modeling world :-)

LOL Moment of the Night – Female: Anna Trubunskaya, “I will break you into a dancer” with requisite RUSSIAN Accent; Honorable Mention to Carrie Ann for “Chippendale’s Cha Cha”

Heidi: I love Anna – that was a truly goofy line delivered in this Cold War Russian accent that implied torture was not far behind. And that was actually a pretty clever line from Carrie Ann and she’s not really known for clever lines.

Courtney: Some episodes of DWTS feel like Coming to America to me – except instead of Eddie Murphy, we have Anna :-) She learns about American sports (remember the Walter Payton vs. Belka & Strelka analogy last season?), she dances to songs she clearly never heard until she came to America (“Hella Good”?), and she says funny, stereotypically-Russian things like this and makes it totally adorable :-) As for Carrie Ann – I’m not gonna credit her with that one.  I’ll credit her va-jay-jay for that one…cause that was clearly what was doing all the talking when she was critiquing & scoring Chris’ cha-cha. *eye roll*

LOL Moment of the Night – Male: Bruno Tonioli, “Call me, Daphne”

Heidi: Just LOL – no clue what he was getting at, don’t remember what he was talking about, but I have a feeling that Tommy B. called him Daphne for hours afterward.

Courtney: I think it was to Ray – a guy I’m not so sure quite understood the humor of it.  Awwwwwkwwwwarrrrd.

TMI/Grossest Moment of the Night: Kendra – “I just went into your butt crack.”

Heidi: :::gag::: Oh, I so did NOT need to hear that. Or visualize it. Or anything it. Really, the blame has to go to the producers – seriously boys, out of all the hours of video you got of these two, you went with THIS???

Courtney: Kendra’s whole package seemed to be a montage of her just saying stupid shit. “My hips don’t lie!” “I’ve got moves for a white girl!” Are they deliberately TRYING to paint her as a crass bimbo? Cause so far, it seems to be working. As for this particular comment…I wouldn’t go near Louis’ butt crack with a ten foot pole.  Errr…bad phrase to use…let’s move on…:-/

Heidi: Damn, I worked so hard with my brain to NOT go there and then you went there. :-)

WTF Moment of Costuming: Brooke’s Dress with Audrey Hepburn’s hat stitched on to the front.

Heidi: You know, Brooke is beautiful. And this dress was beautiful too…but when I get distracted by that large round hat that appeared to be stitched to the front, it’s probably not a dress she should wear on the show. I spent way too much time trying to figure out what the hell that was, beyond simple ornamentation. Is it a fan? Is it a hat? Didn’t Audrey Hepburn wear that in Breakfast at Tiffany’s? WTF?

Courtney: It’s a satellite dish so she can get better reception from the control booth when they’re feeding her lines, duh! I just have to wonder if they had to strategically plan Brooke’s route through the studio to avoid narrow spaces…she could have gotten stuck, y’know. :-)

Most Overdone Running Joke: Master P’s bad scores; (dis)honorable mention for reminding Hines several times that he’d lost the Superbowl

Courtney: Hardy har har har, Master P got the worst score in DWTS history.  It’s funny once – but 3, 4, and 5 times? It’s just getting annoying and makes me wonder if they have nothing else to talk about.  The only truly funny instance to me was when Mike joked about his own scores, saying “Well my dad is Master P, so it’s not so bad.”  And then the near constant “So Hines, you lost the Superbowl…” intro.  By the 3rd time, I think he had just permanently plastered that grin on his face to keep from rolling his eyes.  It’s ok, Hines – everything sounds more annoying coming out of Brooke’s mouth. Just smile and nod and she’ll go away eventually.

Heidi: And to think we’re only in Week 1! Hines might do an endzone dance on her head if she keeps it up. “I’ll show you losing the Superbowl!!!” As for Master P?? Bad idea, since half the viewers likely didn’t know who he is. They do now thanks to YouTube. Poor Romeo.