DWTS12 Week 2 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

 Sorry for the delay, kiddies – if  you want to blame someone, I guess blame Derek for being unusually active this week and forcing Heidi to spend more time over at PDH than usual lately.  But no further delays…ON WITH THE CHEESE!!! (Heidi: Yep, totally Derek’s fault. I worked on this in 5 minute increments. Hopefully it doesn’t show.)

Biggest Tabloid Mess Waiting to Happen: The Mark, Chelsea, Chelsie, Romeo, Stephen love pentagon

Courtney: Ooh wee.  Is anyone starting to feel the tension build up with this one? We’ve got Mark & Chelsea showmancing it up, we’ve got Romeo crushing on Chelsie, Mark & Chelsie real-life romancing it up (sort of), and Stephen Colletti is buying Chelsea small appliances.  Should any of these relationships escalate, this is gonna be a tabloid journalist’s delight.  I daresay Mark is the most unstable point of this pentagon, as I could see him getting very, very jealous if things between Chelsie & Romeo get any closer – then again, Mark seems to have his hands full with trying to get touchy-feely with Chelsea, who at times seems to play along and at other times is too busy gushing about the microwave that Colletti bought her.  Poor Romeo seems to be in serious puppy love with Chelsie.  If anyone gets hurt in this whole mess, I fear it’s gonna be him.  Be on the lookout for icy glares in the celebraquarium during rumba week – this love pentagon could quickly turn into a hate rhombus.

Heidi: So, Mark will make cow eyes at Chelsea, and Chelsie will go “hmmmm” which will make Romeo say “get out” and Steven is in the corner sayin’ “Who da HELL is Mark Ballas…Oh, wait…Hell-O Chelsie!” at which point Mark will say, “step back, dude, all the Chelsea(ie)’s for me and my mime self. Where’s my guitar, I can dual serenade.”

A microwave? Seriously? :::rolls eyes::: Go for Ballas, Chelsea, he can do better than a microwave. You’ll have to arm wrestle the shorter, pro dancer version of you, but you can probably take her. :-)

Courtney: And you can count me in as a Chelsie/Romeo shipper.  She needs someone a lot less…Mark-ier than Mark. Which reminds me…does this Mark think he’s the 2nd coming of Marky Mark (aka Mark Walberg)? Because I feel like I’m seeing him in his Calvins more and more.  I do not like this.

Len Goodman Word O’ the Week: “Chesticles”

Courtney: This week, Kendra was pushing hers into poor Louis, and Chris was concerned about how his looked to Len.  Last week, Wendy’s were attacking my face through the TV.  I wish we could see more of Kym’s, which are AWESOME.  Say it with me, kids – “chesticles”.

Heidi: I really don’t know how I feel about Len saying Chesticles. I am baffled. At the time my mouth fell open in shock and I didn’t know what to make of it. And I still don’t. I don’t know whether to be offended that he would use such a word, or be thankful that that British accent would never say “boobies” or “ta ta’s”. Confused. Where’s my wine?

Best Impersonation of a Mail-Order Bride Video: Oksana’s part of the dance troupe intro

Courtney: I actually have to credit my mom with this one, as she looked over at me while watching the show and said “So this Oksana chick…is she like, somebody’s mail-order bride? Is that how she got this gig?” I just may have to parlay some of my mom’s zingers into a segment called “S@#t Court’s Mom Says”.   But I digress.  She was totally on the mark with this one – Oksana was just trying wayyyy too hard in her intro to be over-the-top sexy, with the honeyed Russian accent and the overdone makeup and the sultry stare.  I could practically hear the subliminal messaging in this one: “You like? You want? You get me green card? Call number on bottom of screen…cannot wait to meet my sexy American husband!” If not that…maybe she moonlights as a phone sex operator.  HIYOOOOOO!

Heidi:I got nuthin’. Your mom beats it all to hell. :-) Of course, this chick could star in soft core porn films: “Goldmember – staring James Conman and Oksana Goodnight.” “Hey, hook up with Oksana and you will have a ‘Good Night'” :::insert creepy leering guy::: Synopsis: Boner, James Boner (picture an Ohio Congressman) travels to post Cold War Russia and discovers that the sexy KGB is alive and well when he is taken prisoner…Really…I got nuthin’.

The “Ok, we get it, you’re a tomboy!” Award: Kendra Wilkinson; (dis)honorable mention: Chelsea Kane, for “We’re young!”

Courtney: AKA, the “Kendra says stupid shit every week” award.  This week she was having a hard time with “being all ladylike & stuff” and let us know pre-quickstep that her armpits “don’t really smell like a lady”.  Lovely.  I don’t know why she insists on reinforcing the fact that she’s a tomboy if she’s trying to be more of a lady on the show. 

Heidi: Errrr…if you’re going to use the AKA, then we have to give Chelsea Kane a dishonorable mention for her “We’re young, we’re suppose to take risks”…or was it “the meaning of being young is being outside the box and taking risks”. Either way it was verging on moronic and definitely ageist. Girl, you ain’t risky, you’re DISNEY. :::rolls eyes::: As for Kendra – she needs to learn to THINK like how she wants to be. If she doesn’t, then the tomboy ain’t going anywhere. And what the hell’s wrong with being a tomboy anyway?? It’s more likeable that faux “lady”. She got married when she was a tomboy, so apparently her husband likes it just fine.

Most Memorable Exit: Mike Catherwood

Courtney: Mike could have gone the normal route of most ousted contestants, just swaying awkwardly out on the floor with their partner, maybe shedding a couple tears as they’re surrounded by the other contestants and showered with hugs.  But Mike knows not to waste a great opportunity to show us what we are missing out on by letting him go so early – he drops scintillating dance move after scintillating move, just to titillate and thrill us.  The shovel. The Irish jig. The vegetable chop. The pelvic thrust – from several positions.  And some dance move so tawdry that we the viewers weren’t privy to it, and had to guess from the shocked and amused expressions on both the hosts’ & other contestants’ faces just what kind of gyrations Mike was blowing their mind with. EPIC WIN.

Heidi:I only have one thing to say: Nice ass, dude. :-)

 Least Sassy Use of a Sassy Phrase: Len’s feeble “Talk to the hand!”

Courtney: Ok Len, you had just eviscerated poor Sugar Ray for a jive that really wasn’t all that bad, and rather than just keep talking over the boos from the audience, you add insult to injury by throwing out a phrase that was, like, sooooo 10 years ago :-P This had about as much ‘tude as Dmitry’s threat of a chest-off last week.  Zzzzzz.

Heidi: A fine example of being able to dish it out but not being able to take it. Suck it up Len, really. You were unnecessarily mean, so you get mean in return. Butt head.

Most Unsuccessful Attempt to Channel a 1960’s movie star: Brooke Burke

Courtney: Last week, she was going for Holly Golightly – by affixing a big hat to the side of her dress.  This week, on Monday night, it seemed as though she was going for the “Morticia Adams at the disco” look, and on Tuesday, it was “Barbarella meets Kim Kardashian”.  Methinks Brooke (or, as another blogger now refers to her, “Broke Burke”) needs to fire her stylist. 

Heidi: Oh dear, I actually liked Brooke’s outfit on Monday night…of course maybe it was just such a vast improvement that my senses were dulled. :-)

Worst and Best Costuming All At The Same Time – Male: Mark Ballas

Heidi: I’m going to just say three words. Ooompa Loompa Mime. Okay I lied – you know how short girls wearing those mid calf length leggings make the girl look shorter? Same principle here. Add in the make up and you have edgy Ooompa Loompa. And I still want my drink for the polka dots and short pants combo. :-) It’s worst AND best because once the Oompa Loompa struck me, I couldn’t stop giggling – that’s the good. :-) All that said, it was interesting costuming other than the little person effect and I loved Chelsea’s little outfit and makeup.

Courtney: I definitely have to give him points for originality with this one.  I get so tired of the 50’s rockabilly look for the jive sometimes.  It was part Clockwork Orange, part Willy Wonka, part Marcel Marceau, and part WTF – and 100% hilarious.  I approve of this.  And I thought Chelsea was adorable in her little ballerina corset and doll lashes. 

Worst and Best Costuming All At the Same time – Female: The Easter Basket Babes plus a little Sugar…and Kym Johnson

Heidi: Am I the only one who noticed that when all the celebs were standing together at the beginning of the show it was like looking deep into a huge Easter Basket?? So many bright colors on just about all the women and Sugar Ray. It was a little too much for me. I started thinking that perhaps some hallucinogens were in order to take full advantage. :-) Looking at each separately was fine and they looked good – put them in a line and it’s blinding. But let us talk about Kym Johnson – that woman designed herself the most classic and beautiful dress for the week. Gorgeous. Love the black velvet(?) with the red lining over the white tulle underskirt. Gorgeous. I want her body and her dress. And her partner, since were going there. :-)

Courtney: I can only imagine what kind of psychadelic experience one might have if they did indeed ingest hallucinogens while watching the show :-) It kinda reminded me of the Crayola bold marker pack that I always got in trouble for using in elementary school instead of the teacher-mandated traditional pack. We  had the electric blue (Kendra), the purple (Anna), those crazy gold & red colors that I can’t remember the name of (Petra), and the fuschia (Wendy & Karina). We were one jungle green costume short of completing the set. But I agree – Kym hit the mark perfectly with that black velvet & white tulle confection.  Reminded me of that vintage Taittinger Champagne ad with Grace Kelly.  Just lovely…even if the awesome boobage didn’t make an appearance. :-)

Most Overused Costuming Addiction BESIDES Mark’s Thing for Polka Dots and Shorty Pants: Lacey Schwimmer and the short, ruffled skirt

Heidi: So this time it was boy shorts with black ruffles with red trim all around her butt. :::sigh::: I guess it’s an improvement from ruffles with a crotch doilie. Do you think this is a repressed cheerleader thing? Or what? Hey Court, send me all the different variations of this outfit that Lacey has done and I’ll do do a side-by-side. :-)

Courtney: Ask and you shall receive, m’dear :-)

Courtney: Yeah, Lacey does seem pretty fond of the whole bra-and-skimpy bottoms ensemble – but I have to give her credit for at least ditching the feathered skirt in favor of ruffles this time. And don’t forget her penchant for dancing in boots instead of dance shoes, too!  You may be onto something with the whole “repressed cheerleader” thing, Heidi – I get the feeling Lacey was more of a rebel in her high school days and probably didn’t get to be one of the popular cheerleaders.  But Lacey, honey, none of the cheerleaders I’ve seen wore bottoms like that – as one blog described it, “rejects from the Victoria’s Secret ruffles collection”.

Heidi: Bwahaha…Victoria’s Secret reject! That’s IT. I’m missing a crotch doily shot above, but ya’ll get the drift. You know, these outfits MIGHT be cute on a really scrawny, really tall girl (and maybe not), but for whatever reason they just don’t work on Lacey. Maybe it’s the hair. It’s not that she’s fat – she not even close to fat. But she is really muscular and I think that throws the outfit off. Or maybe it’s just a poor selection for anyone. Beats me.

Funniest Pro Line O’the Night: Mark Ballas “I promise if I DO kick you in the head I will promptly get an ice pack.”

Heidi: I gotta give Mark his props for that line – pretty funny and the look on Chelsea’s face was priceless. I laughed. :-)

Courtney: *sigh* *facepalm* Oh Mark…

Heidi: I know, right? THIS is why he needs rose petals and candlelight. :-)