Heidi here – I found Courtney and she finally finished her part. She made some excuse about being a good girlfriend – but for 24 hours?? Dayum. I will also say that I tried and tried and TRIED to come up with some form of “dirty old man” award for Len – that whole little voice over with the picture-in-picture thing he did for Hines and Kym on the “Road to the Finals” was just KILLING ME in it’s bizarre, chuckly tone. Seriously killing me. Killing me so bad that…I got nuthin’. I wish I could think of a prize to give to the commenter who comes up with the best line…but I got nuthin’ there either. So, give it a shot just for fun. On with the show…

The “Elephant in the Room” Award: Pia Toscano’s performance

Courtney: They hyped this one for all it was worth – the commercials, the near-constant mentions on the performance show. Hell, they even made a point of showing us Mark & Pia acting all “chummy” (with a sulking Karina off to the side) before the commerical break.  But don’t anyone DARE ask Pia about Mark, or vice-versa!!! No no no no…that’s not of our business, she’s just here because she’s so insanely talented that DWTS & Idol put aside their mutual hatred (and ironclad legal agreements)  in order to allow her to perform.  It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact she’s been spotted out on dates with him on several occasions – and that was only a happy accident that TMZ just happened to be at the same place at the same time…more than once.  Shame on us for even being curious!!! Did you guys sense the sarcasm there? My point: don’t ram these two down our throats at every opportunity, and then act all taken aback when someone inquires about their liasion.  DWTS viewers are not dumb – they can smell when something’s rotten in the state of Denmark.

Heidi:Especially when Mark and Pia are pictured having dinner with Harry Levin of TMZ fame. I felt bad for Tom – don’t think he really wanted to play their game. But it also occurs to me that the new singing show airing on NBC at the same time could be part of this deal. The Voice?? Why else would AI and DWTS team up? I can’t imagine they are that invested in pimping either Mark or Pia that much – and really AI wins more with that one. Don’t they have right of first refusal on record deals with the Top 10 or so? Sure does make sense to keep her in the public eye. Good lord I’m a cynic. But yeah, Mark and Pia have really given up their right to act coy at this point. And I’m Sooooo over it. In any case, we’ll probably never see her with Mark again. At 11 mil viewers, the Voice is no threat to AI or DWTS. Mission accomplished.

Musical Guest We’d Most Like to See Back as a Contestant: Donnie Wahlberg

Courtney: When I first saw Peta tweeting about she & Anna performing with Donnie & Joey from NKOTB, I think I groaned aloud…something like “This oughta be good…NOT.” Then I actually saw it happen – and I have to admit, I was slack-jawed by the end of the short little routine they did and found myself wanting to see more of Donnie & Peta dancing! Did you guys see this guy’s hip action & arms??? INSANELY GOOD.  Especially if he only had a few hours of practice with Peta.  Hell, while Joey was (and still is) adorable, now I kinda wish they had gotten Donnie for season 1 of DWTS instead – he could have mopped the floor with Kelly Monaco.  Sadly, while there seem to be many others on Twitter campaigning for a Donnie & Peta partnership on DWTS13, I doubt it’s gonna happen anytime soon – he’s tied up with Blue Bloods, which is on CBS.  *sigh* Then again, DWTS seems to have climbed into bed with Idol (which is on Fox), so maybe it’s not completely out of the question…;-)

Heidi:Am I missing something? Why wouldn’t Donnie be considered just as big a ringer as Nicole, Sabrina, Mel B and Lance? I mean, people got on Nicole for Pussycat Dolls, Sabrina for Cheetah Girls and Mel B for that silly British Girl band, Girls Aloud…I mean Spice Girls. Why is the ringer label not popping up if it’s a boy band? Lance never got it much either. Don’t get it – they have the same experiences. I have a feeling this is another case of it being okay for the guys but not the girls. But then, as a music snob who dated musicians before I wised up, I know next to nothing about either BSB or NKOTB. All THAT said – I don’t mind a ringer. Especially after this season.

Courtney: Oh I don’t doubt that there will be cries of “ringer!” if and when this does happen – and that’s a big IF.  But I daresay, with all the buzz I’m seeing on Twitter, it would not surprise me if his name cropped up in some of our DWTS13 Casting Rumors posts.  And I have no problems with that…Donnie seems like he’d be entertaining to watch.  And he’s still kinda eye-candyish…in a rugged, bad boy sorta way.  I think he’s made my “list”…yeah, THAT list

Heidi: Oh, I have no problem with ringers as long as EVERYONE gets the same criteria applied to them. Somehow, though, I think that someone is only truly a ringer if they happen to be dancing with Derek Hough. The problem for me was never that someone was a ringer, but the labeling of everyone Derek danced with a ringer. Which is just, sorry, ignorant.

The Ego A-Go-Go Award: Donny Osmond

Courtney: For someone that won the show 3 SEASONS AGO, Donny is sure acting the part of a recent MBT trophy winner pretty well – he’s cropping up and offering his “commentary” to pretty much anyone that will listen, and by commentary, I mean him accusing this season’s male contestants of having a “big ego”…and reminding us that he won season 9. I know, I know – many of you claim he’s “just joking”…but if that is indeed the case, it’s getting old…or rather, it’s already gotten old, and now it’s just kinda annoying.  Not quite sure why he keeps repeating this one…is it because he’s scared that he might loose his title of “last dude to win DWTS” to one of this season’s guys? Hmmmm…

Heidi:He needs a mirror check, fer real. Then he was saying that Chelsea looks like a pro to him – as if he’s qualified to know what pro dancing looks like. But then, he dances next to Marie 8 shows a week in Vegas – I bet Chelsea does look pretty good.

Production Screw Up of the Week: the Camera work on Kirstie’s Samba Package

Heidi: Note to the producers – giving the camera to the field producer who shakes like he’s got DT’s is not a way to show that you are a high class operation. Dang, people, the shaking in the effort to get the shot made the whole thing nauseating. So, did someone have a hard night of partying? Undiagnosed Parkinson’s? What? Maybe an investment in a steadycam is a good idea.

Courtney: Looks like the B-squad of Muppet & primate camera operators are back in action in order to cut down the overhead costs…since they blew their budget on musical guests this past week.  I’m gonna blame Animal for this one – I bet he’s a huge Kirstie fan, and was excitedly chanting “SAMBA! SAMBA! SAMBA!” while trying to get the shot.

Brooke Burke DUH! Line of the Week: “Were you hoping for 9′s?” Said to Kirstie and Maks AFTER their package clearly stated they were hoping for Nines.

Heidi: Sorry, Brooke fans, my eyes rolled right out of my head. No Brooke, I’m sure they were hoping for fives or sixes. Jaysus. I blame the voices in her head – they can’t be too sharp either or she would have better questions to ask.

Courtney: DEET-DAH-DEE.  The problem with canned responses – they don’t work if the context changes.  So if Kirstie mentions something beforehand about wanting all 9′s, you better have a backup response planned, Brookie…hell, you can always use the uber-generic “So how did it feel to get out there and perform this week?” or even “Do you guys want some cheesecake?” Just make sure you only use the backup phrase once in a broadcast, lest you look like a complete nincompoop. 

The “Don’t Screw With Me, I can go to Videotape at Anytime” Award for Revenge is a Dish Best Served…NOW!! – Tom Bergeron, for cutting to video of Bruno in Elton’s Video right after Bruno gets WAY too carried away with Kendra, calling her a stripper and waving dollar bills at her, among other things.

Heidi: Bwahahaha….this was seriously priceless, and should teach Bruno to reign it in a bit, as the producers can cut to that video AT ANY TIME. Dude, you best be careful with what you call people – we’ve seen your attire. I especially loved the black swimsuit number that looked like something out of a gay porn movie.

Courtney: What the hell WAS that black thing? Looked vaguely like a diaper onesie…that the biker from Village People would have worn had he been incontinent.  Some of those dance moves were something else, too…vaguely seizure-ish.  Is this where Gaga gets her inspiration? Anywho, I doubt Kendra is gonna go anywhere near Bruno with a ten-foot pole after seeing that video…not that she would have beforehand, anyway.  As far as Bruno’s concerned…he’d prolly rather leave Kendra and just take the 10 foot pole ZING!!! Too much?

Heidi: Too much? Are you kidding?

Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Bruno said, after seeing his younger self, isn’t it a shame about gravity?” Honorable Mention: “It’s like having imaginary friends” said in reference to him reading his lines about the couples behind him and turning to see they weren’t there.

Heidi: Tommy was on a roll…and apparently Bruno displeased him at some point during the night, because he had a bullseye on his chest. LOVED the line about gravity, but it was also especially hilarious to watch him on the results show turn to see no couples on the stage behind him. And turn again to find them still not there. And again…I think he turned around three times and none of the couples were ever there. It was hilarious. I expect to see a porn clip of the stage manager who caused this on next weeks show. “Roll videotape!”

Courtney: Poor Tom.  First he was tasked with asking the uncomfortable “Mark & Pia” question, and then he had to stall for time when there were no couples behind him.  Luckily for us – Tom is a master time-filler And a master of putting judges on ego trips in their places.  He’s done it to Len and Bruno…the question is: will he have the cojones to dredge up footage of a topless Carrie Ann from her days as a bald pole-dancer on Madonna’s Girlie Show tour? Or how bout a clip from her turn as a *gasp* topless Vegas showgirl in Showgirls? And there’s always the footage of her playing naughty Japanese schoolgirl Fook Mi (or is it Fook Yu?) in the third Austin Powers movie.  If I were Carrie Ann, I’d be on my best behavior

The “It’s the Charleston, I can’t help myself” Award for Out Dancing Your Partner: Mark Ballas

Heidi: Sweetie, we know you’re a pro. And your dance with Chelsea was actually good – until we got to the Charleston section where you just cut loose and out dance her. Calm it down a bit, would ya? Chelsea is a GOOD dancer, but when you out dance her like that it makes her look less talented than she is. The plus side is, of course, that one can make a GREAT drinking game out of the moments where you out dance her. Some nights, the result is a slight buzz, other nights result in severe alcohol poisoning. This was a “slight buzz” night, so all hope is not lost.

Courtney: Man…glad I didn’t try to play the Mark Ballas drinking game last season.  If I had, I’d probably be using this site to solicit a black-market liver donation But man, Mark does seem to love the Charleston – or really any dance that gives him the excuse to do crazy legs and pull crazy faces.  And that section really did highlight the contrast between pro & celeb – poor Chelsea, god love her, was moving so gingerly, so as not to exacerbate Mark’s ankle injury; Mark was out there dancing like it was 1999 (I <3 Prince…another guilty pleasure ).  I mean, I give the guy props for soldiering through his injury…but was it really necessary to go this balls-to-the-walls? He could have toned it down a bit and still had a great performance.

The Award for Saccharine Sweet Confessionals, Season 12: Hines and Kym

Heidi: I LIKE Saccharine Sweet!! Too much sugar makes me nauseous. Seriously, since the beginning of the season Hines and Kym have been doing their own personal version of the end zone dance in the confessional and I keep meaning to mention how cute and endearing it is. Complete with “Whoop Whoop”s. I think this is Hines getting it out of his system because he said his momma doesn’t like it when he does the real thing. So cute.

Courtney: Methinks it’s only a matter of time before they’re doing the end zone dance…in the bedroom. HIYOOOO!

The Award for the Worst Unintended (I think) Innuendo in the History of the Show: Hines Ward for a comment SO bad that I can’t actually explain it here.

Heidi: Does anyone know what I’m talking about, or am I the only one with an extremely dirty mind?? I seriously can’t repeat it. I will just say that Hines was talking about singing in the shower, and his fans…and he uses a word that, well, puts the conversation in a very dirty context. Puts a whole different spin on…showers. The producers didn’t show it in his package with Kym, but it did slip through in one of those deals where they show clips of various celebs rehearsing right before they go to commercial. I watched it three times, because I couldn’t quite believe I heard it. I’m STILL wondering if I actually heard it. Help me.

Courtney: Oh no – you certainly weren’t all alone in that one.  Watching DWTS this week quickly went from PG to X-rated after I heard that one…and I’m not even sure the clean interpretation of what he said really makes sense.  Maybe Hines is lonely…he’s made it clear he wants to smooch on Kym, he got up close & personal with a pillow while practicing last week, and then there’s this phrase.  Sounds to me like homeboy needs some loving. 

The Blatant Honesty is the Best Comedy Award, Week 6: Kendra Wilkinson for her “My boobs aren’t what God gave me.”

Heidi: I have to give the girl props – her response to Louis was just priceless. I laughed out loud. Now, the jury is out on whether she was intentionally hilarious, or it was just a fortunate accident, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt. This is one of those times that the lack of a filter paid off in a big way.

Courtney: I’m gonna go with “happy accident” on this one.  But one thing I have to credit Kendra with is not being ashamed of having some work done…there are women in the entertainment industry who are seen on a Monday with B-cups and then again on a Friday with D-cups (and no assistance from a bra, mind you)…and they swear up and down that they haven’t had implants.  Rigggght…you just had a growth spurt. A really fast one. At age 34. Kendra, props to you for not denying your silicone friends. And for your verbal diarrhea actually paying the dividends this time

The TMI Award – Week 6: Chelsie Hightower for her “I have to pee” in the behind the scenes of the performance show.

Heidi: This was actually a cute exchange. Chelsie looks at the producer right before she and Romeo dance and says “I have to pee”. His response? “Now is really not a good time”. The part that struck me funniest was her “I’m aware of that” in response to him. LOL – but girl, why did you TELL him you had to pee if you knew there was nothing either you or he could do about it? Just a random observation you felt like you had to share?

Courtney: Court’s conspiracy theory: she had a sinking feeling that Romes was gonna pull something during their waltz (in this case, a kiss), and this was a last-ditch effort to get out of it.  Not that a delay while Chelsie peed would have stopped him – that boy seems like he’s head-over-heels for Chelsie and is bound & determined to win her affections.  Kinda cute – but kinda uncomfortable for Chelsie, obviously.  Lord knows I’ve made my fair share of dumb excuses in order to avoid spending time with guys who’s affections I didn’t always return…”Sorry dude, I’d love to go to dinner with you, but I’ve gotta clean the grout in my bathroom.”

The Inigo Montoya “Inconceivable” Award for Not Knowing what A Word Actually Means: Bristol Palin and “advice”

Heidi: So, Bristol’s advice to Chelsea? Make it to the final. Ummmm….how do we explain this word “advice” to Bristol? By saying that making it to the final is the RESULT of good advice, not the advice itself?? Like, “always have fun when dancing” or “bitch slap Mark when he over dances you” or “don’t talk about giving the middle finger to ‘haters’” is good advice?

Courtney: That advice is second in crappiness only to the ultimate in useless advice: “Win the MBT.” Makes me laugh that they even decided to have Bristol give her commentary, since she only made it to the final based on sympathy from the judges and some particularly passionate voters…as opposed to the dance skills of some of her fellow commentators.