You know, there are possibly a few more cheesecake moments out there, since I didn’t finish watching the results show for the second time, but I think it’s safe to say that Courtney and I are rather tired of DWTS right at this moment in time. This show can be draining when so many turds are involved. And my favorite boy is absent. :::sob::: I do know that I forgot the mention Kenny and Jerry playing ping pong with the 10 paddles – cuz Len never uses them. LOL. Ah well, on with the show.
Celebrity Most Likely to Test Higher than Her Professional Partner on the “How to Win Votes on DWTS” Quiz: Chelsea Kane
Heidi: I gave a big “whoo hoo” when Chelsea and Mark had their little talk, I confess. I like the girl very much, but her partner is annoying me to no end this season. Wait, deja vu – didn’t we give her a similar award earler in the season?? I might have to deduct a point for backsliding, but still…it’s progress.
Courtney: At the end of the day, I do feel sorry for Chelsea – she is technically the best dancer left (at least in my eyes), but I feel like her partner’s behavior may have cost her the MBT this season. Poor girl can do a pretty good dance and then I can see her standing there, stifiling a cringe with a painted-on smile while Mark shoots them in the foot. As a member of the Disney family, Chelsea has a Ph.D in being PC (aside from the occasional ageist comment) – and Mark still seems to be struggling to get his GED in the subject. Learn ‘im good, Chelsea – learn ‘im good.
The Muppet/Orangutan Award for Biggest Production Snafu: the jumped musical cue for Chelsea & Mark’s instant salsa; (dis)honorable mention for the camera guy making a mad dash across the floor as Chelsea & Mark finished their waltz
Courtney: Gee, I sure h0pe the show is saving a TON of money by bringing on Muppet & primate technical staff like this That music cue was wayyyyy too early – we didn’t even get to hear the pleasant English voice from the heavens finish his little intro. And dammit, people, without the voice from heaven, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF DANCE I’M WATCHING!!! Or who the hell is dancing. (kidding) Then again, this salsa did kinda look more like a jive…anywho, I digress. The look on Mark’s face was priceless – a split second of utter horror, and then he just started gyrating furiously. Poor Chelsea looked back at him in confusion and I could practically hear him hissing “GO!!! JUST GO!!!” I do have to give them credit for going with it and still managing to at least look like they were on time. As for the darting camera guy – some of you who were more enthralled with their waltz probably didn’t notice it, but for those of us less taken by the emotion of it, I was amsued by the camera guy scuttling across the floor in the background to get out of the shot (skip to the 1:49 mark). The juxtaposition was hilarious to me: a lovely, heartwrenching waltz…and a camera guy who’s pants are ablaze. While I did have to chuckle a bit at both of the above goofs, I have to wonder if the Muppets are out to sabotage Chelsea & Mark…or maybe they’re just drawn to their own kind (Mark).
Heidi: Did the guy have orange, feather-like hair and was he screaming, “Animal, animal, ahhhhh”? Or however Animal used to do it. I guess I’m too old to remember. College killed those brain cells.
Courtney: Not to sound haughty, m’dear, but I believe Animal’s hair is hot pink and not orange And I believe it was more “A-ni-mal, a-ni-mal, a-ni-mal, aaaaaahhhhhhh!” Not that I’m a Muppet aficianado or anything…
Award for Most interesting Motivational speech: Kym Johnson for “Your butt looks cute in those white pants. Got the booty in the white pants.”
Heidi: I’m sorry, but these two are so freakin’ cute. She’s singing that last part and twirling her skirt. What is UP with that? Cute. If she was male, she’s slap him on the ass and say, “huddle up!!” Somehow, though, I think that Aussie accent talking about his butt is about all the motivation Hines needs to shake it.
Courtney: To quote R. Kelly “My mind’s tellin’ me nooooooo….but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yeeeessss…”
Most Ill-Advised Accessory: Hines Ward, for the James Brown wig
Heidi: What the hell was that? I thought for a minute it was Eddie Murphy straight out of Saturday Night Live. Or that singer dude from Animal House. Or Kym had killed a Wallaby and put it on his head. Whatever it was, the producers need to be spanked for not showing us more of exactly how that came about.
Courtney: Did I miss this? I must have. But the mere thought of it is bringing to mind a 30-something, black version of Bieber. *shudder* Moving right along…
Heidi: OTIS DAY!!! It just came to me! That’s totally who I thought of when I saw Hines in that wig. Which is why I found it so funny. And Otis ain’t no Beiber…
Award for Funniest Dance Center Bit by Production: Kirstie Alley’s stats
Heidi: Let’s recap shall we? Kirstie’s Shoe? “Removable”. Weight? “Diminishing” Notes: “Everybody Knows Her Name” and “Part Time Floor Inspector”. Maybe I’m easy, but that one is LOL funny. And that whole bit with not being able to pronounce Maks’ name and saying she could be his grandma, Kenny’s sister, Len’s wife – the tangents are often funnier than the commentary on dancing. For example, the fact that they got ahold of a big clip from The Bachelor, Ukraine. Then the Kirstie “noises” and Jerry Rice dipping a picture of himself in a bottle of “sex”. Jaysus! What can I say? I got nuthin’ other than a big LOL!! I think I snorted beer up my nose.
Courtney: I really wish I could understand what the hell they were saying in those Bachelor ads. Just the voice makes me laugh. The guy could be saying “enema” or “banjo” or “aardvark” and it wouldn’t matter – it still sounds uber-sexy! As for Dance Center – the Kirstie segment was really the only funny part for me. Although something about Jerry seductively licking a cardboard cut-out of himself dipped in some mysterious sticky stuff labeled “sex” made me a little nauseous. :-/
Heidi: Okay, I’m weird, that was my favorite part.
Award for the Celebrity Who is the LEAST Ambiguous about His Reasons for Doing the Show: Romeo
Heidi: I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure he’s doing it for the kids.
Courtney: *eyes wide* Seriously??? I thought he was doing it for those snazzy shoes he got to wear
The Award for Best Verification that We are INDEED watching DWTS: Dmitry Chaplin
Heidi: As soon as I spotted his bare chest, I was so relieved. I thought we had stumbled into an alternate universe where short men and tall beautiful women wail together in some sort of mating ritual. Then I was all, “Oh look, there’s Dmitry’s chest. IT IS Dancing With The Stars.” :::whew::: (Sarcasm brought to you by Corona, the tasty Mexican beer)
Courtney: Dmitry must have a built-in shirt repellant module in his chest that prevents anything from covering up his pecs. He’s like the Russian, glittery Iron Man.
The STFU!! Award for the Bearer of Bad News: Brooke Burke, for her mention of the BonASS dance and subsequent Heidi lightbulb moment of “Hey…wait a second….”
Heidi: Credit to Brooke for that first mention of the BonASS dance which made me sit up straight and go “WHUT?!?!” shortly followed by, “No she di’int!” and “You’ve got to be f@#king kidding me!!” Yes, that is exactly what went through my head. Then I ran the numbers and it was “OH HELL NO?!?!” Seriously, only DWTS producers could be as brilliant as Dance Center and as asinine as the BonASS dance all in one week. But, I bet we can easily give most or all of the writing credit for Dance Center to Kenny Maine and the boys. Why? I SAID SO, that’s why. Why yes, I am irate, what’s it to ya??
Courtney: I find it highly suspect that they said it with such nonchalance…just like “Oh yeah, wasn’t Dance Center great? Next week we’ve got Pitbull, Stevie Nicks, a dance worth 15 points that could basically guarantee that person goes to the finals, some midgets on roller skates, a live komodo dragon, Carol Channing, and much, much more!” Call me a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but there is a reason why we’ve heard NOTHING from ABC about this dance – because they know if they said anything official, riots would ensue. People would be flipping over cars & raiding store fronts & setting fire to piles of rubble if they knew just how truly f*cked this dance really is. Proverbially, of course. But I do have to credit Heidi with picking up on it and saying “Wait a minute…this ain’t right…” because so far, I feel like we’re the only site that’s actually addressed the true screwiness of it, and any other discussions that have cropped up have *gasp* referenced Heidi’s post about it. And of course, some are poo-pooing it…saying “ABC can’t possibly be that crazy! Those crazy bitches at PureDWTS are smoking crack!” But alas, they are, and when some lucky couple gets a free pass to the finals on Monday night and Armageddon is upon us, Heidi & I will be sitting in our figurative nuclear shelters, power voting for Ralph with the 500+ verified accounts we’ve created as a precaution, sipping on some brewskis and saying “Welp, we told you so…but you didn’t listen.” Heidi’s like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day - the nerd with the calculator being dismissed when he tries to tell everyone the aliens are coming. I guess that makes me…Will Smith? Or his exotic dancer girlfriend? Idk…this simile has gotten far too complicated. *sips mimosa*
Heidi: Hey, Will, everyone knows that…say it with me people…crack is wack. It’s entirely possible we’ll end up being wrong (I don’t THINK so, though), and part of me is praying that all the rioting would have the effect of making them change their mind. I am willing for people to believe I’m wrong because they changed their mind just so this DOESN’T happen this way. But I think it will, because at the end of the day the producers seem to be a bunch of little boys sitting in a room with no connection to the outside world, exhausted after playing Mortal Kombat, when one of them says, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if….”
The Deja Vu Moment of Week 8 Brought to You By “Backsliders Anonymous”: Maksim Chmerkovskiy and his poor, shattered mic pack
Heidi: Fer a minute there I thought we had time traveled back to Season 10 and his next move would be a most hilarious, jumping up and down, full-on temper tantrum. At which point I would again cackle with glee and start typing out a cheesecake award. Oh. Wait…
Courtney: You can take the Maks out of the Erin Andrews-induced toddler phase – but you can’t fully take the toddler out of Maks. He had a momentary, 1-year deevolution. But luckily, he managed to lock it up and get back to business…but RIP undoubtedly expensive mic pack.
Heidi: Yep, Mr. “I am sex on a stick” laid out some serious coin for that little tantrum. I have to hand it to him – he lasted all the way till week 8 before he slipped. He probably called his sponsor (Kirstie) and got right back on the wagon.
Least Suprising Revelation by a Host: Brooke Burke sometimes “forgets to eat”
Courtney: So Kirstie’s explaining why she felt faint during practice, that she’s just not been eating like she should and that she “forgot” – and Brooke chimes in “Oh, me too!” Why am I not at all surprised by this?
Heidi: Perhaps it’s the fact that you can count her ribs or cut yourself on her collarbone?? HI, Brooke, here’s a sandwich.