DWTS12 Week 9 – The Cheesecake Awards!! (“F You!” Edition)
Oy veh. This gets harder every week. Gawd. I’m praying for a return to some form of sanity this coming week. Maybe we should take bets on who wears what and dances how for the freestyle. I got dibs on Mark’s shorty pants and maybe some horn rimmed glasses. Either white socks or sparkly socks. I’m also thinking that maybe Maks and either Cheryl or Chelsie won DaD – if it were Mark and/or Lacey they surely would have blabbed by now. 🙂 Question: Did Maks fans get out the vote?? It’s not the number of fans you have, it’s how many are willing to kill themselves voting. Mark’s fans ARE willing. Are Maks?? I guess we will (maybe) see… On with the show…
Most In Need of a Flashing “Vacancy” Sign on Their Forehead: Brooke Burke
Courtney: Do I even need to touch on the whole coin toss fail? Probably not, but I’m going to anyway 🙂 I loved the look on Hines’ face as he muttered “Ummm…I think they actually get to pick first.” The expression was one of “God love her, she’s sweet and she’s good lookin’, but MAN, she’s clueless. I play NFL football – I’m kind of an expert on coin tosses. I have a Ph.D in them, dammit.” Pretty sure this clip is going to be a viral sensation by the end of the week. The second, perhaps less noticeable (but no less excusable) fail, was when Brooke was introducing Tayla Kelley, the girl with the immunodeficieny syndrome that danced with Lacey & Chelsie. Apparentely the poor girl’s name was too much for Brooke to handle, because she definitely (noticeably) paused to look down at her cue card before announcing her name. *sigh* FAIL.
Heidi: Oh, lord, now who’s psychic?? That’s nearly exactly what I was thinking watching it. Hines had this, “Ummmm…how do I break this to her…” look on his face. If there is anyone there who’s going to know the difference between heads and tails (regardless of the head), it’s Hines. As for her blanking on Tayla’s name – gun shy?? If only she hadn’t been so glaringly obvious with the note check. Geez.
The “Mama Didn’t Raise No Fool” Award: Warren Sapp
Courtney: Warren Sapp is no dummy – even he can see right through the nonsense that is the 15 point “winner take all” cha-cha. Which is why I found it deeply satisfying that he chose to mention it (and by extension, chastise it) on the special freestyle hour prior to the results show. I believe his words were something like “I didn’t have this 15 points y’all throwin’ around!” You know you’ve made a bad, bad decision when a contestant from 5 SEASONS AGO makes a point of mentioning it, LIVE, when he’s supposed to be chatting about his freestyle. And Conrad, I’d take heed – Warren’s a pretty big guy. He could probably cause grave bodily harm just by sitting on you. You best not be the object of his ire. He’s like Madea or something – he’ll injure you AND make you feel guilty for being bad. And be hysterically funny while he’s at it 🙂
Heidi: He said, “I had to work for my second place” which literally had me on the damn floor laughing. Pretty much summed it up, big guy. But he did seem rather annoyed by it. I have a feeling this won’t be the last “I had to work for it…” comment out of former contestants.
Understatement of the Century Award: Brooke Burke for her whiny immitation of a large chuck of the DWTS Audience “I miss Derek.”
Heidi: Smartest thing you’ve said in a long, long time, sister. And you don’t realize how much until you see his freestyle with Brooke, which was likely his best, IMO. Damn, I miss him. At least with all the crap they’re throwing into this show I would have something pretty to look at if he was around. 🙂 Not to mention, great dancing. If only he could tweet worth a damn. Then at least I would see more pictures from his set.
Courtney: One of the things I hate most about Brooke is that even when she’s being honest & is speaking from her own heart & mind, she sounds scripted. That’s what I thought about this – that maybe the folks feeding her lines up in the control booth were like “Tell everyone how much you miss Derek!” in an effort to draw the guy back to the show next season, despite the 3-ring circus it’s been this season. So of course, she throws out a fakey-sounding “I miss Derek!!!” that just makes me think that she had nothing better to say, even if she really did mean it. As for Derek – honey, run for the hills – or be prepared to throw your weight around to get some changes made. Grab Conrad by the (proverbial) balls and demand that he bury this damned “winner take all” dance forever, and that the judges get sent to rehab over the summer. And maybe demand that Mark’s sparkly sock & flood pants budget be cut – that way he’s forced to dress normally, like the rest of the male pros 🙂
Heidi: I think you have identified part of the problem. When Derek is around he DOES ask Mark what the hell he’s wearing and asks him if he’s crazy…and makes fun of him. Apparently that had a much bigger impact on Mark than we previously realized. 😀
Award for Pro Most Likely to be Suffering from a Head Injury: Mark Ballas “The freestyle is the time to go out of the box”.
Heidi: Um…Mark? Were you dropped on your head?? As my friend Dee so eloquently screamed on Twitter, “He’s been out of the box half the season!!!!”
Courtney: *shaking my head* If he thinks he’s been IN the box all season, then I am dreading to see him really & truly “out of the box”. Can’t wait to see what that entails – Russian folk dancing? Pole dancing? A giant squid costume? Midgets on rollerskates? 🙂 In all seriousness though – freestyles that have been “out of the box” have generally not fared so well on the show. I daresay going against the grain didn’t work for Marie & Jonathan and Erin & Maks. Like it or not, there is a certain formula that seems to always work for freestyles on this show: high-energy & upbeat, with eye-catching tricks, and a good, collaborative effort by both members of the partnership. If Mark is planning on going against that golden formula (which has won him two MBT’s in the past, mind you), he could be setting he & Chelsea up for failure. Now is definitely NOT the time to go slow, edgy, or bizarre.
Heidi: You’re right, of course, now that I think on it more. None of Derek’s nor Mark’s previous freestyles were what I would call “out of the box”. None of Kym’s either. I wouldn’t even really call Julianne’s terribly risky or outrageous. But they were all upbeat, high energy with good music.
Stupidest Producer Idea BESIDES the BonASS Dance, Week 9: Play by Play during the freestyles.
Heidi: I love Warren and all, but I really wanted him to shut the hell up so I could watch the dance again in peace. And do I even need to comment on the massive ego that is Donny Osmond? Dude, your Vegas show is re-opening…MOVE ON. Amazingly enough, the only one that worked was Brooke, because she wanted to watch her dance with Derek again as much as I did! Which of course, makes me think of the next award…
Courtney: I actually got kind of a kick out of Warren giving his commentary – it was done in a rather tongue-in-cheek fashion, where you could probably tell that Warren felt silly doing it and just decided to run with it 🙂 I was half expecting him to bust out with a “Boom goes the dynamite!” or “Whammy!” mid-commentary. Donny – just, no. Nuff said. Move on. Apollo – zzzzzzzz. Brooke – meh. Was nice to see her unscripted, but it still smacked of cluelessness.
Heidi: Apollo was on there?? Oh yeah, I have a vague recollection of saying “Apollo = Cute” on twitter before I took a bit of a nap. 🙂
Best Freudian Slip, Possibly in the History of DWTS: Tom Bergeron, for (paraphrasing), “there’s where you needed the breast implant” when talking to Brooke during her Freestyle
Heidi: I would have to watch it again to get his exact wording, but I actually guffawed again when he said it. Totally Freudian and props to Brooke for rolling with it and snarkily correcting him. “That’s breast PAD, Tom.” Best work on DWTS she’s done since she did that Freestyle, probably. 🙂
Courtney: Somewhat off-topic, but aren’t Brooke’s fake? And isn’t it kind of common knowledge? Cause the way she reacted, she made it seem like Tom was outing her as part of the Fake Boobie Brigade or something. I could totally see her pulling Tom aside during the break and saying “How could you??!! Now EVERYONE’s gonna know my boobs are fake and I’m gonna be the laughing stock of this show!!!” No worries, Brookie – you’ve been the laughing stock for awhile now. It’s nothing new 🙂
Worst (Best???) Fashion Accessory, Week 9: Ralph Macchio’s “butt booster”; Honorable Mention: Brooke Burke’s “Boobie Butt”
Heidi: I confess I don’t know whether Ralph’s butt booster is “best” or worst because, while hilarious, it was kinda sad that you couldn’t be sure he was actually wearing a faux butt. Because, the man has no butt. Poor baby. Butt (heh) there to take all the spirit of fun out of it was Bruno the asshole and his diaper comment. Bruno, here’s a thought – put a diaper over your face and spare us your vile commentary, you little troll. Speaking of no butt – I only point out Brooke’s butt padding because it lead to one of the great Freudian slips of all time. 🙂
Courtney: As one of the many Americans suffering from WGB Syndrome (white girl booty syndrome), I feel Ralph’s pain. I myself have been forced to resort to “enhancements” just to fill out certain outfits on a few occasions – sucks that a lot of the clothing manufacturers don’t cater to the gluteally-deficient 🙁 And for those of you who follow me on Twitter, I’m sure you’ve seen me bemoaning the fact that the photographer definitely photoshopped my butt in my most recent photo shoot *sniff*. But yeah, I digress – Bruno is a sleazebag and I could make a million & one distasteful jokes about his hindquarters and what he does with them…but I’m not gonna stoop that low. 🙂 I gotta give Ralph props for playing along a bit and giving Bruno that adorable coy expression after Bruno’s inquiry about the diaper. When you’re dressed up like Persian gangster, complete with silky shirt & chains, and you’re gyrating your fake butt to Pitbull – it helps to have a sense of humor 🙂
Weirdest Freakin’ Rant in the History of DWTS: Maks, for “Stop reacting on my negative things in a negative way because then we both negative. One of us has to be normal”
Heidi: Um…Maks? Were you dropped on your head?? Dude, you realize I had to rewind that like four times to actually transcribe that whole bizarre, yet oddly amusing diatribe?? LOL. Weirdest of all – Kirstie understood what he was saying! She ALMOST starts laughing at him and then I think she realized that it’s not nice to laugh at crazy people.
Courtney: *still scratching head* WTF did he mean? Did it get lost in translation going from Russian to English? *shaking head* Guess I’m glad that Kirstie & Maks are so in tune with one another that she understood this without any explanation.
Brooke Burke Question so stupid and redundant that even Kirstie had Nothing: “How do you like those 9’s???“
Heidi: To which Kirstie responded, “um…YAY!!!” I mean, really, the voices in Brooke’s head have GOT to shape up because this is getting ridiculous. Surely there is SOMETHING else she can ask them about. Didn’t she just ask about their 9’s last week??
Courtney: Brooke had better shape up or get out. This is her THIRD season doing this – she should be far better at it than she is at this point. She’s like one of those Tickle Me Elmos that only can say like, 3 phrases – and she’s not as cute as Elmo.
Where is La Tigresa del Oriente-based outfit Karina was wearing?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzOkZbco6uo
(For you who don’t know who is la tigresa del oriente, one of the biggest stars in Peru)
=p
Ok, I totally cracked up when Maks was going on about his “negative and negative”. He was totally rambling & it was a hoot to watch Kirstie’s face. You could totally tell that she didn’t dare laugh but, oh, she wanted to!
OMG Brooke is an idiot. That is all I can say!
Brooke needs a flashing vacancy sign on her forehead??? Hilarious and, unfortunately, not too far from the truth! She does make for some damn fine cheesecake though! Your post would be about a third lighter every week without her!
The “Weirdest Freakin’ Rant in the History of DWTS” award. OMG, haha. I was thinking the same thing when he said it. I’m like, “Whaaa??” talk about double negatives. AND Kirstie understood what he was saying. That is so WINNING.
I must confess, I love Brooke. She’s dumb as toast but that just makes me root for her. I get all happy when she asks a decent question, and I love watching Tom silently cheer when she gets through a bunch of teleprompted text without a mishap. The coin toss was amazing. Kym was probably on too many painkillers to realize something was amiss, Mark and Chelsea are obviously wondering whether they should speak up or not, and Brooke can’t figure out why everyone is staring at her.
I, again, enjoy reading those “Cheesecake Awards” posts lol! I agree, Warren did seem more talkative during his commentary. Talking is fine… just not that much! You can also tell Kym had fun watching the freestyle again.
@Little Red – When you said Brooke is “dumb as toast”, I actually took that as disparaging to toast… 😉 😉 😉 That being said, I’m getting used to Brooke being around. After all, has anyone on DWTS generated more cheesecake? 😀
Does anyone not just love the title of this Cheesecake? I can’t think of a more fitting title for what they did to fans last week by taking away our votes. Right on Warren Sapp for telling it like it is. Yes, I am still peaved.
Always love the cheesecake!!! The coin toss was truly classic. And the rant? I’m not sure what made me scratch my head more…whatever Maks was trying to say or that of 40some hours of taped practice that was their drama. Maks, a little too much time in the Ukraine in the off season. Back to English…
Sally – too funny! lol
Heidi, I thoroughly appreciate your comment about Bruno putting a diaper over his face, that is all
@Vogue – Yes, I agree with you on the cheesecake title! As always, Heidi and Courtney nailed it!
I love the cheescake, but this week, it needed to be served with a biga$$ side of vodka, straight up.
Masterful as always….
I love the cheesecake, but this week, it needed to be served with a biga$$ side of vodka, straight up.
Masterful as always….
Haha (at the too much time in the Ukraine in the off-season). XD
Lovely cheesecake as always! And I like Brooke.
Here’s Kirstie’s first gig post dwts..replacing Robo-Brooke…
Okay, totally missed the coin toss thing. What went down?
Nathan – They were doing a coin toss to determine who went first in the final WTA cha-cha. It was between Chelsea & Mark and Hines & Kym. Hines & Kym called tails and it was heads, but Brooke was like, “Okay, Hines and Kym, do you want to go first or second?” There was an awkward moment before Hines was like, “Uh, I think they actually get to pick.”
^^That was some serious paraphrasing, but that’s basically what happened. It was pretty funny, you should look it up if you get a chance. 😉
Nathan,
There was a coin toss between Hines & Chelsea. The winner got to pick if they danced first or second in the Cha-Cha off. Hines lost the coin toss, and Brooke turns to him and says something like, “Hines do you want to dance first or second.” Hines kind of stood there dumfounded not knowing what to say, and shyly said “second”. Hines, Kym, Chelsea & Mark were standing there w/ their mouths open not knowing what to do. Then Hines said, “I think they get to pick” (pointing at Chelsea). I think it tops even Brooke’s best moments.
I missed Brooke’s season (is it wrong that I would probably buy these things on DVD? yes? ok!)… was she this easily confused by ordinary objects when she was a contestant? Or has the pressure of asking people how they feeeeeel about their scores just worn away at her fragile grasp of reality?
You can subscribe to Hulu and watch whole seasons, Little Red. Just sayin’. 🙂
:-o!!!
There goes my social life for the next two months! 😉
Did anyone else notice that Lacey’s awful roots weren’t quite as visible when she was dancing with Tayla and Chelsie? It seems like she completely bleached her head again!
Yep – believe me when I say you can spend a LOT of time watching the show. It starts in season 5. 🙂
Yeah, Hannah, Courtney and I had discussed it on Twitter. She actually didn’t go platinum, she went a shade or two darker and it actually is pretty good. Now, she teased the hell out of it so it looked like a rats nest during her first dance this past week, but it looked good during her second one. I have to say I don’t understand this girl’s desire to be a blonde – she looks great as a brunette, it makes her eyes pop. Is she trying to compete with Julianne and Chelsie or what??
Original blondes are better than wannabe blondes. 😛
Wonders if the producers said something to Brooke. Probably not!
I know one girl who doesn’t suffer from WGB syndrome: Lauren Froderman. 😉
Anyways, I agree with you on Brooke. I normally don’t mind her, but she had a lot of… no-so-smart moments last week. It took me a great deal of self-control to keep myself from laughing at her.
I like Brooke better than Samantha Harris who seemed so fake to me. Samantha was always batting the eyelashes of her very large eyes. I’d love to see Maks win the MBT but I don’t think Kirstie’s dancing is on the same level of Hines or Chelsea’s dancing. I think Chelsea is the best dancer. Love this website and all the witty comments!
Heidi and Courtney ive got to hand it to you! You too really just said everything ive been thinking the past week so I just wanna DITTO that post. Loved what Warren said about actually having to work for his 15 points which everyone present seemed to miss esspecialy the producers and company/judges who probably werent even paying atterntion – Ive heard primates have very short attention spans 🙂 – or they just were couting all the money they’re getting from the chiz they’ve been pulling all season with their heads stuck up their…..nothing 🙂 Last week’s was show terrible. Bruno’s life is just a nerological fart, We have Kym who probably spent most her day in Moomoo land – drugged up on pain killers – and now behind curtain 3 im sure Ralph is going to have butt enhancements done he is probably so warped now. Little Red: LOL! But im sure Brooke is so clueless she loved the fact that everyone was starring at her. 😀