Oy veh. One more for the season. WARNING! This one gets a tad…harsh. If you are overly sensitive in regard to some of the regulars on this show, look out. You’ve been warned. I (Heidi) was feeling particularly evil when I wrote my parts.
Best Moment of the Finale: The Three Stooges reaction to Chelsea Kane getting 3rd place
Heidi: Ahhh…that was soooo sweet. Guess what, stooges, you don’t have all the power, no matter how hard you try. LOL. Want to see what we’re talking about? Keep your eye on the judges once the camera goes wide again. The body language is hilarious. Len and Carrie Ann are sitting, not clapping, in shock. Mwahahahaha….
Courtney: Both of them looked like they’d just seen the ghost of Michael Jackson or something. Utter, total, and complete shock – followed by bitterness. The Almighty Judges thwarted in their master plan??? Muahahahaha – you betcha. Probably a good thing that Carrie Ann wasn’t clapping – her arm fat was jiggling like crazy earlier in the night when she was grooving in her chair to Black-Eyed Oh-bitch-please.
The Award for Being Almost TOO Cheesey to Bear: Tom Bergeron/Producers for that silly opening voiceover on the last night
Heidi: Is it just me or was that just way more over the top than normal?? I mean, this ain’t the Olympics, it’s DWTS (which I guess makes my complaint ironic…or redundant…or…pointless?) – but do we really need the dramatic talk about “their journey” to get to the finals??
Courtney: You’d think we were watching the pre-show for the Olympics or the Superbowl or even Idol – the sad backstory, the clawing their way to the top, the blood, sweat, toil, and tears, this has been their lifelong dream, yadda yadda yadda. Way, WAAAYYYY over-the-top. Spare me.
The Karma Really Works Award: Len Goodman for “If they don’t like our scores, then vote for them!!”
Heidi: Fan-f@#ing-tastic. That’s called having karma take a bite out yo ass. We DID vote and it didn’t quite go the way you expected, did it? But this still does piss me off because that sure as hell didn’t work in week 9, did it. I fully expect to see the BonASS dance in the finale next season so they are more likely to get their way. Anyway, I think the producers were taking a poke at the judges, since when they aired this little gem they likely already knew that Chelsea took 3rd place.
Courtney: You may be onto something with the producers taking a swipe at the judges – perhaps they were trying to make them the scapegoat for the whole fiasco. I can’t help but wonder if TPTB were catching so much flak for the WTA dance that they decided to shift the blame to the judges – making a point of having Len say that right before announcing Chelsea as 3rd place was a subtle way of saying “Blame the judges! They’re the ones that gave the scores!” Of course, I don’t think anyone in a position of authority on the show is blame-free for the shitshow that was season 12 – as I said on Twitter the other day, this season was one big series of unfortunate events that resulted from TPTB trying to atone for the sins of season 11…and failing miserably. Viewers tend to fight back when they start monkeying around too much with the basic premise of the show – this is a prime example.
Award for Most Bizarre Dancing “tic”: Maks and walking
Heidi: He does this all the time and did it again in his freestyle with Kirstie. He has quite long sections of just walking across the dance floor. Don’t get me wrong, it really worked well in the mood of his freestyle, but often it’s just a time-wasting move that he uses too much – IMO, of course. They all have tics or signature moves – but those are MOVES. This is walking. I’m surprised he doesn’t get called on it more often. I’d call him on it.
Courtney: Yeah, I guess it’s kind of his “thing” – like Mark’s jimmy legs, Cheryl’s sheer-skirted ballgowns, or Lacey’s sometimes-pointless displays of flexibility. I am a bit surprised that he doesn’t get called out on it more, but I guess he does walk with a sense of purpose in his step – I guess I can forgive it more easily than, say, spastic dancing or copied choreo.
The Award for the Best Use of NEW MATH: Brooke Burke/the Producers
Heidi: Most watched season ever?? Seriously?? TV Guide said it was up by double digits but compared to what?? And for the ENTIRE season and not just the finale? Doubtful. It’s possible I could be brain-dead, but ratings are one of those things I pay attention to and I thought it was down – and some weeks Nielsen reported it was down. Now, granted, I don’t look THAT closely, but damn, I think this is creative math at work here. They’re forcing me to do a post on ratings trends. Maybe they meant to say “Most watched SPRING season ever.” That might work.
Courtney: I feel like the phrases “most watched season ever” and “closest competition ever” have become clichés in the great DWTS lexicon – they seem to toss ‘em out every time the finale rolls around. And lucky for them – most viewers don’t care enough to contest it. But for us Scullys & Mulders who know “the truth is out there” – it’s endlessly annoying. It’s taking liberties with the data – and that pisses us off. We ain’t stoopid
Heidi: :::swoon::: Just call me Scully – I love me some Mulder.
The “Oh. I didn’t think about that” Award for Failure to Engage the Brain: Mark Ballas, for his freestyle choreography
Heidi: Dude, probably not a good idea to plan to have your partners hands and feet light up, necessitating wires running all up and down her body, AFTER you’ve spent 60 seconds tossing her around the dance floor. OF COURSE the batteries came un-plugged and the battery pack got dislodged (incidentally, affecting her performance – not that it mattered to the stooges). Battery packs with wires + highly tricky dancing = OOPS
Courtney: That was a dumb move on his part, but so was picking a freestyle song/theme that did nothing to showcase his partner’s skills or even allow her to connect to the music. I’ve said it before, but I’ll go ahead and say it again: I don’t feel like I was watching a performance of their freestyle; it was just a regurgitation, if you will. Unlike Kirstie & Hines, who I felt both really “connected” to their routines on a personal level, this did not feel like something Chelsea would have chosen for herself – it said nothing about her. This was music recycled from Mark’s heydey, with moves that show how great MARK is, not Chelsea. The poor girl was just trying to keep up the whole time. The malfunctioning lights were just icing on the crappy cake.
Best Song Lyrics Written by a 5-Year Old: Black Eyed Peas Song they Debuted on the Finale
Heidi: So, Will.i.Am’s kid has begun writing song lyrics now?? Really, wasn’t that just one line chanted over and over again for three minutes?? This group continues it’s downward spiral into mediocrity.
Courtney: The Peas are gadawful, period. I move that we relegate them to Yo Gabba Gabba! duty ASAP, cause their songs are serious gibberish. Like, seriously – my cat makes more interesting noises when pooping in his litter box than the Black-Eyed Oh-bitch-please – no more! do in a song. The person I feel most sorry for in this whole Pea-induced debacle is Hines – poor guy had to deal with him at the Superbowl AND the DWTS finale. I bet he’s ready to slap that metal toupee off Will.i.am’s head and kick Fergie right in her London Bridge. I’d make some funny comment about the other two, but seriously – who remembers their names? They will eternally be Asian Guy and Other Black Guy to me. That seems punishment enough for those poor souls. Hashtag, just sayin’.
Heidi: Bwahahaha…London Bridge. Is that in her mouth or is it a euphemism for…never mind. I like that one song “I Got A Feeling” but mainly because I have seen a home video of four of the five Hough siblings just jamming out to it with Derek leading the way. It takes a Hough…technically 7 of them since it was 4 sibs and 3 of their little girls.
Comedic Line ‘O the Night: ANYTHING by Mike Catherwood.
Heidi: Hilarious dude. The one that really made me giggle was when he called Tristan “Lucky Charms”. LOL And may I just say that he can really pull off that short…body suit thingy that he was wearing. He was trying to be ridiculous, obviously, but I just kept thinking about what an awesome body he had.
Courtney: Mike is seriously doing a disservice to the women of the world by not capitalizing on his fab form. Case in point: I’m not really a “leg” girl (most regulars here can tell you I’m a pec girl – especially if a guy can make them dance), but I was marveling at how RIPPED Mike’s quads and hamstrings are. Meeeeooowwww. The whole “riotously funny” act is just icing on the cake. Seriously judges (more specifically Carrie Ann…and maybe Bruno) – you couldn’t have ridiculously overscored Mike the first two weeks so we could have kept him around a bit longer? I don’t know too many people who would have been upset if Wendy had gone home earlier
Heidi’s Favorite Moment of the Night: Petra and Dmitry’s Dance to Josh Groban
Heidi: Okay, this clearly shows what a total SAP I am, but I just loved how Groban walked out there singing and Petra didn’t realize until Dmitry stopped her and pointed – the look on her face was just priceless. That woman is just an angel, I swear.
Courtney: I may have been rolling my eyes and saying “Surprise, surprise”, but I have to admit – Petra’s genuine look of surprise and delight was enough to make sitting through “You Raise Me Up” again worthwhile Such a doll…her gratitude for everything in life is just beautiful. Wish we could have a celeb like her on every season!
The Absolute, Without a Doubt, Stupidest, Most Awkward Bit of the Entire Season, Maybe the Entire Series: Wendy Williams interviewing herself.
Heidi: And trust me when I say that it did NOT get less awkward on the second viewing. It might have been worse because you knew what was coming. For the love of god. The only thing I can’t decide is if watching her dance would have been worse…or better.
Courtney: Let me answer that last query of yours: it would have been worse to see her dance. That was the only good thing about this gawdawful filler – at least we didn’t have to see her move awkwardly through another cha-cha, quickstep, or foxtrot. But a singular version of Wendy is annoying enough – I did not need the plural. And poor Tony had to sit there and play along with the whole shitshow. FAIL.
The “Me? A Westler? Nope, Comedian is My Current Occupation” Award: Chris Jericho
Heidi: This dude proved to be one of the more intriguing and unexpected characters on this season. Some hard-ass wrestler dude? Nah, he’s a comedian who imitates Bruno and throws himself on the judges table so that Bruno can lay one on him. The whole “rubbing my chest for no apparent reason” was just totally…right on.
Courtney: Just like I wish Mike could have stuck around longer, I really wish we could have seen more of Chris, too – the guy was just so darn LIKEABLE. And his impersonations were spot-on – he really captured the nuances of both Len & Bruno’s accents perfectly. *sigh* Somehow I think this season would have been slightly less agonizing to watch had we gotten more of Chris…
Real World Problem Award: Kendra falling off the judges’ table at the end of her samba
Courtney: Fact: drunken ass-shaking on elevated surfaces seldom ends well for us common folk. But you’d think with a bevy of strong, coordinated, muscular guys there to catch her after she dipped, that Kendra would be in no danger of this kind of mishap. WRONGO-BONGO!!! I’m still trying to figure out how she managed to nearly fall & bust her head open with 5+ able-bodied men within arm’s reach. Can’t decide if they were just distracted (Teddy) or apathetic (possibly Tristan…;-)).
Heidi: They were trying to dodge pinches from Bruno and got distracted. HEY, it’s not out of the realm – dude has been WAY out of control all season long.