DWTS13 Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Finally! Here are the cheesecake awards!!  The first one of the season – we hope you enjoy.  :-)  They take a bit longer when you spend a lot of time cackling over screencaps. ;-)

The Pottymouth Award: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Courtney: Is it just me, or has Maks really developed an affinity for obscenity this season? :-) His package with Hope was littered with beeps.  Not that I’m complaining – sometimes I wish the show were a bit less PC and bit more…interesting.  And Maks cussing is kinda cool & hip…like a Russian Tarantino movie or something.  He’s Vikcent Vegavich.  Somebody get him a Royale with cheese and a glock…or maybe a Tokarev.

Heidi: Maybe he’s lost all Hope.  :::snicker::: Yeah, I used up all my good jokes on our other little project…the one with all the pictures. :-)  Seriously, what does it say about me that I didn’t notice the swearing? :-)

WTF? Costuming Award, Female: Cheryl Burke; (dis)honorable mention – Karina Smirnoff (for hair/makeup)

Courtney: It’s bad enough that you’re dancing to a song about Lake Michigan, Cheryl – why confuse us even further by wearing a dress that’s part bad Elvis tribute, part Xanadu, and part Liberace? The whole thing was just visually…baffling. Although the little arrows around the neckline pointing down did lead the way to the “business” area of the dress.  As for Karina – lovely, feminine, flowy pastel dress…with bright red Marilyn Monroe lipstick and a severe top-of-the-head school marm bun? Total disconnect there….did they have to change her dress at the last minute? I doubt it.  Is she trying to distract people from staring at JR’s injuries? Because he seems pretty comfortable with them (and joking about them!).  Who knows…but makeup department, please put her on red lipstick suspension until she can prove she deserves it!

Heidi: I think Karina can wear the really red lips…just not with that outfit and that hair.  Too much contrast…like my TV got out of wack or something. As for Cheryl – Chaz totally called it with the Elvis comment. What was she thinking?? If not for the cut down the front, it was like…an old lady ballroom dress or something.  You know, when your crazy grandma wears some wackass thing such that you don’t want to be seen in public with her.  Like…an old lady in a motor cycle jacket and leather pants….or…I dunno.  The whole thing has just thrown me off completely. :-)  It makes me go all ageist and confused.

Courtney: It was a pair of shoulder pads and some clip-on earrings short of something my granny would have worn to the bingo hall on charity night….along with her matching “I <3 Bingo” hat & fanny pack (true story).  

WTF? Costuming Award, Male: Mark Ballas; (dis)honorable mention – Tristan MacManus & Val Chmerkovskiy

Courtney: This should really come as no surprise :-) Oh gee, Mark’s wearing spats again…and this time, he’s also decided to throw some grommets onto his suit jacket to pull together the look.  How quaint.  Guess the flood pants and the bedazzled socks are still on order, or he would have thrown those into the mix as well.  At the very least, he matched Kristin.  As for those other two knuckleheads – one appears to have a clothing allergy and the other is as modest as nun.  Val – not that we mind seeing you shirtless, but you know doffing one’s shirt throws Len into dizzy spells & hot flashes and has him carrying on about “malarky”, “fussin’ about”, and things that are “not his cup of tea”.  But WTF was up with the high school letterman jacket? Was the story of your cha-cha about some illicit post-homecoming game rendezvous under the bleachers, complete with underage drinking and jailbait? I’m…confuzzled.  And to the Leprechaun – why are you so damn covered up??? Seriously, you look like you’re about to go to a barn raising or something.  And as much as it may unnerve Heidi that I say this, I feel as though Tristan looked a little…Benji Schwimmer-ish at times on Monday because of that outfit and his hair.  Why couldn’t he have styled it the way he did in rehearsals??? It looked good…not like the kid from the cover of Mad Magazine.

Heidi: Aaaaarrrrhhhh….you said the “b” word!! :-)  Tristan has taken over Derek’s role as the mostly modest male, heretofore known as MMM or Triple M…or the Jane Austen Role. Did you see? Derek’s walkin’ around with his shirt hanging open! This is the guy who had anxiety over taking his shirt off for the Lambada with Joanna!  I think they must only be allowed one Triple M per season – Derek knew his time was up and Tristan was taking his place in that role so he started working out.  At the other end of the spectrum we have Val, who gets the OEP (over exposed pro) award. :-)  So, did Maks say, “hmmm…I vill mess with my little bro…Val, be sure to work in as many props as you can and do it all shirtless…Len loves men without shirts on.” :-)   The letterman jacket made about much sense as Cheryl’s whole dress – major WTF???  As for Marky – I think those are his bedazzled shoes – because, you know, the black and white all by itself isn’t NEARLY as noticeable and attention-getting as they are when you add rhinestones. :-)  Heh, go back and look at the pro dance – all the men are wearing black, all black…except for Marky.  Cuz we gots to see his feets, ya know.

Courtney: Oh I know…he needs to remind us whenever he can that he’s a really, really good dancer.  Duly noted, Marky – now ditch the loud shoes.

The Sexual Harassment Panda Award: Rob Kardashian; (dis)honorable mentions for Ron Artest & Bruno Tonioli

Courtney: Seems like every season, there’s a celeb that toes the line between playful innuendo and sexual impropriety.  Looks like Rob’s gonna be “that guy” this season – cause some of the stuff coming out of his mouth just really made him look like a sleazebag.  “I told Cheryl to say dirty things to me to make me smile while we’re dancing.” *blink blink* Honey, Cheryl would be the very LAST person to stroke your sexual ego by giving you some good ear – in fact, I think her idea of “dirty talk” might be something more akin to “I’m gonna kick your lazy ass, you disgusting little worm.  On your knees! Kiss my boots!” *whip cracking* Yeeep…I bet Cheryl would make on helluva dominatrix. ;-) And Ron’s smarmy little comments about getting to stand near Brooke and wanting to be a Chippendale? Just…gross.  Doesn’t he know that NBA players and unsolicited sexual advances go together about as well as peanut butter and pickles? Just ask Michael Jordan…or Kobe Bryant…or John Salley…or Dennis Rodman…

Heidi: And people thought David Arquette would be the problem!!  At least he knows his audience.  Time and place, people, time and place. Rob, you ain’t on a cable show right now, dude. Ron, you ain’t talking to your friends in the locker room…oh, wait, you’ve left the building. We don’t need to worry about you anymore. :-)

The Move Over, Kirstie, There’s a New Brooke Thwarter in Town Award: JR Martinez

Courtney: We’ve got another much-needed smartass on our hands, kids ;-) “So JR, when you were stationed over in the middle east, did you ever imagine you’d be dancing in front of millions of people on national television?” Brooke asks earnestly.  Without missing a beat, JR replies candidly with “Yeah!” *cue laughter from audience and sheepish look from Brooke* Looks like JR took a page out of the Kirstie Alley playbook and decided to screw with Brooke’s subpar interviewing skills 8) I think this guy may be the resident jokester this season – the whole bit about “trying to find an earring vs. trying to find an ear” tells me he’s a goofy, just-happy-to-be-alive kinda guy that is gonna give us a lot of laughs (and warm fuzzies) this season :-D

Heidi: Or, he’s gotten extremely good at handling everything thrown at him due to wacky ass people looking at him cross eyed in the street.  Which works very well as a Brooke thwarter just because she’s doesn’t come programmed with rapid come back.  She’s the 1998 model, you know. :-)  It’s like having an Atari instead of an XBox.

Courtney: Brooke is the human equivalent of a Delorean – seemingly cool at a passing glance, but all kinds of problematic & awkward under close scrutiny.

“NO, NOT THAT BUTTON” Award – Production Muppets who started the pro dance song in the middle

Heidi: Come on, guys, it’s the first results show of the season and you leave the pros hanging out there while you mess about? That was a rookie mistake and you’re pretty lucky the professional dancers have a clue and held their positions.   And if I hear a “I meant to do that…” from that group, I would have to ask….who made that stupid production choice??

Courtney: AN-I-MAL! AN-I-MAL! AHAHAHAHAH! An-i-mal meant to do dat…An-i-mal making sure pros stay on their toes!!!

The Award for the Best Fear-Inspired Line O’ The Night: Chaz Bono

Heidi:  I gotta say, I LOL’ed when Chaz said “I’m afraid of Cheryl Burke” and went into that commentary about how she was so hard on Gilles and he knows he’s not anywhere near Gilles – hilarious.  Poor Cheryl – she is the female version of Maks, but I mean that in a mostly positive way. Sometimes, people need a good smack upside the head.  See Award for Most Juvenile Male.

Courtney: Poor Chaz – the guy was probably already petrified at the prospect of shakin’ his stuff on national television, and that fear was compounded by the fact that he might get *gulp* Cheryl “The Dominatrix” Burke.  At least he was honest…loved how he was so relieved and happy to have Lacey :-)

Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Do you prefer Metta? Or Mr. Peace?”

Heidi: I think he was actually funnier the other night than he was most of last season. He just seemed to be on a roll, to the point that there were too many funny lines to actually write down. His comments about the Maks/Carson Bromance/Romance were hilarious – telling Maks he needed to get security installed at his house if he hadn’t already.  But the capper was the tremulous “security” during the whole Kardashian yelling debacle.

Courtney:  I think the comedy of Tom’s banter with Ron/Metta/whatevah was just intensified by the latter’s reaction to it.  I don’t think he found the humor in Tom having to ask what to call him.  Oh well – he’s gone now. Tom’s got until mid-November to try and nail down the proper title for the basketball player formerly known as Ron Artest.  I’m just WAITING for him to come up with a symbol for himself…

Best Emasculation by a Female Pro: Cheryl Burke for “You’re MY woman now.”

Heidi: Seriously, Rob? You have how many overbearing sisters and an overbearing mother?? Did you think that you could get away from them for a bit and let your inner caveman out with Cheryl??  You’re dancing, sure, but did you actually think you were going to get to LEAD???  Take notes from Chaz, he’s WAY smarter than you. Although I do realize that bar is set pretty low….

Courtney: Cheryl has not been phazed by the bravado of tough guys like Chad Ochocinco & Chris Jericho.  What makes you think she’d suddenly bend to YOUR will,Mr. Rob “I can’t count…at all” Kardashian? Was it that vaguely Star Trek villain-sounding last name of yours? I swear, that whole family seems to think their name alone gives them some sort of VIP pass/diplomatic immunity wherever they go.  I’m praying to the dance floor gods that Rob really blows it this week and gets sent home – it’s idiotic comments like that (and errant, out-of-turn howling from the 3 harpies that call themselves his sisters) that reeeeeally make me wonder where all this misplaced reverance for that family comes from.

Best Emasculation by a Female Celeb: Hope Solo for “You’re more girly than any guy I’ve ever met.”

Heidi: Apparently she’s not met Mark in guyliner mode. :-)  But seriously – who does this chick hang out with…oh, wait, women’s soccer team. All could kick Maks’ butt. She must hang out regularly with, like, cavemen, or some such. But the best part of this comment was the absolute LACK of an immediate comeback from Maks and the befuddled look on his face.  And his comment to Tom for what they’re going to work on in the coming week: “We’re going to work on some media training.”  LOL! Like Tom said, “isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”  Me thinks Maks has again been given his match in partners once again. :-)

Courtney: Hope hangs out with a troop of Amazonian warrior women on a regular basis – I’m sure even Hulk Hogan could look like a pansy to them. :-) And yeah, Maks being momentarily tongue-tied is beyond funny.  Hope ain’t buying the Sex on a Stick schtick – short of growing a ZZ Top beard, changing careers to be a lumberjack, and burping/farting out of turn…I doubt there’s much Maks is gonna be able to do to prove he’s a “manly man” to Hope…unless he has his way with her on the dancefloor…

Scary Chippendale Award – Ron Artest “I wanna be a Chippendale”

Heidi: Can you imagine? You’re at a bachelorette party and everyone’s drunk, giggling and screaming over the hunky Chippendales and suddenly, through the fog, you see 6’7” Metta World Peace in a loin cloth doing his Cha Cha Cha, white hair and all. There would be screaming all right…as the women ran for their lives.

Courtney: Dude didn’t even look like he was in very good shape – kinda had a bit of a gut.  But yeah, not much else to say that Heidi hasn’t already…Ron would probably make as good a Chippendale as Len.  Strike that – Len could at least dance.

Most likely Self Proclaim as “____”  (Insert Positive Adjectives here): Oksana

Heidi: How often did this chick either refer to herself as either “cute and smiley” or just “cute”. Word to the wise – you get less cute the more often you tell us you are.

Courtney: I still think Oksana somehow thinks she’s filming a video for a mail-order bride website whenever she does her troupe intro.  She’s gunning HARD for that green card – she’s really gotta sell that “cute, blonde, girl-next-door” schlock.  :-P

 

The Award for the Warmest Show on TV – Dancing with the Stars

Heidi: No joke, no kidding. Several instances when I’ve been extremely proud of and for the people involved in this show: All the male pros giving an “atta boy” to Chaz after their score; the massive jumping, group hug given to Chaz after he’s called safe; and Maks’ flirting with Carson after his dance, pretending to write down his number.  They are setting fine examples to the jackasses in this world.

Courtney: