Yep, it’s a mashup folks. We didn’t get around to it last week, so we’re doing both weeks NOW!! I’m feeling Bergeron-ian – I almost said LIVE!!!!! This is The CHEESECAKE AWARDS!!! :::cue music:::
From Week 2:
WTF? In Costuming Award – Female: Anna Trebunskaya
Heidi: 99 Luft Balloons Go By, nah nah nah nahnahnah! Sorry, everytime I saw that dress, that song went through my head. No, I don’t know what a “luft balloon” is, but I think the song was originally done in…German? Beats me. You know, all the pros have tics, Anna’s is tulle skirts with bizarro tops. Wasn’t her re-do dance in the finale with Evan a pale blue tulle concoction?? Not a fan. But I love Anna though.
Courtney: Ja, fräulein – “99 Luftballoons” was originally recorded in German by the band Nena. And a “luftballoon” is really just a regular “toy” balloon…the song was written about what could happen if a bunch of balloons released in the sky were mistaken for some sort of nuclear weapon, triggering a nuclear war that results in the end of the world. I feel deceived…it sounds like such a happy song…:-( You guys know I’m gonna be all over 80s week when it rolls around! But I digress. Anna’s dress kinda reminded me of a gumball machine…but I dug it. She looked like one of the extras from Hairspray. Strange as it may sound – it kinda worked for me.
The “Be Careful What you Wish for Cuz Getting it Hurts” Award: Carson for telling Anna to Slap Him
Heidi: Dude, she’s RUSSIAN!! Don’t wind her up and then ask her to hit you! Word to the wise.
Courtney: Not to stereotype, but I think Carson is someone that’s probably more often on the giving end of slaps across the face than the receiving one. I bet he can deliver one with the perfect amount of drama and style. 8)
Heidi: And then help you with your foundation afterwards.
The Awkward Hipster Award: Len Goodman, for attempting to channel Ali G
Courtney: You know that weird gesture Len made after Hope’s jive and that weird thing he said (or rather, flubbed) at the same time? Yeeeah, I’m pretty sure he was trying to say “booyakasha”, which is an Ali G-ism that’s derived from Jamaican patois…it’s basically a verbal approximation of the sound of a gunshot, and is an expression of delight. Just one problem: it kind of looses its appeal when its clumsily pronounced by a geriatric, upper-class Briton whose idea of authentic Jamaica is listening to “I Shot the Sheriff” while sipping Malibu & Coke.
Heidi: Heh. Yeah, I got nuthin’. Problem is, I had a sudden vision of my mother in a fedora throwin’ gang signs and saying “duuuude”. It side tracked me. Of course, in reality she would then start laughing so hard she would pee. Laughing extremely hard at your own joke runs in our family.
From Week 3:
The Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed Award, Week 3: Tom Bergeron for his opening voice over.
Heidi: Seriously, Tom, you know I love you and want to have Bergie babies, but dude – tell me that some production hack wrote that voice over for you and you had no hand in it. Such melodrama!!
Courtney: You know they held the Berg at gunpoint and forced him to utter that schlock. He was probably rolling his eyes the whole time, thinking “This is time that could be better spent pre-planning those seemingly off-the-cuff zingers I’m so famous for. THIS is why I keep losing to that asshat Jeff Probst!!!”
The Award for Proving Heidi is a Big Ole Sap – Week 3: Karina for audibly crying during the results playback with open mic AND Massive show of Support Between JR and Chaz during the results show.
Heidi: Geez oh man. I got weepy when you could hear Karina crying over the mic, it got worse when Chaz and JR had their mutual admiration society when they went to break and then Karina’s little speech to JR back stage?? Freakin’ toast. I’m damn marshmellow. But then I cry at the commercial with the guy who comes home unexpectedly for Xmas and he’s brewing coffee with the little sis and….well, you get the idea.
Courtney: OMG you cry at that Folger’s Christmas commercial too???!! I KNEW WE WERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH!!! Come give sissy a hug And you’re not alone with your weeping on Monday night, dearie…I got misty during Rob’s package, when he was talking about his dad. I welled up during Chaz’s package, when he was talking about HIS dad. And then I bawled during JR’s package, regained a bit of composure for Ricki’s, then started crying again during Nancy’s, when she was talking about her babies. And then thankfully, I was too busy saying “WTF?” during Hope & Maks’…whatever-you-call-it to shed anymore tears. It was an emotionally taxing night, to say the least.
Heidi: You were in utero for a number of years. We should call Guinness.
Line O’the Night by a Female Celeb: Hope Solo for “I’m Sex on a stick…”
Heidi: Brilliant, just brilliant. I don’t know that I’ve seen such a skillful use of a pro’s own words against him. They were funny coming from Maks, way MORE funny coming from Hope.
Courtney: I will say this of Hope: she’s quite the master of giving Maks’ proverbial balls a little squeeze whenever he’s getting a bit too big for his britches. I bet it drives him wild with desire – a woman who is immune to his charms
Heidi: The best part is that he is at a loss for words nearly every time. I love a woman who can do that on a regular basis.
Line O’the Night by a Male Celeb: Carson Kressley, for just about everything that comes out of his mouth, but Especially “It might have moved some filler”
Heidi: LOL – Geez oh Man, Carson, you are totally going to be responsible for taking out most of the better dancers on this show before you know it on the sheer force of personality alone. I want to hate you, but I love you!!
Courtney: I love Carson because he really GETS IT: DWTS is a popularity contest, above all else. He knows that you can be a fairly sucktastic dancer, but as long as you sell it, you can last quite awhile. And best of all, he knows how to toss out one-liners that could rival the Berg himself. Duh…winning. *snaps fingers* 8)
Award for a Performance Cleverly Disguised as a Week 1 Celebrity Dance (AKA Dance Least Resembling a Pro Dance Award): The Troupe plus Val to Tara’s Theme
Heidi: WTF was that besides a big ole mess?? Seriously, these troupe kids wouldn’t know synchronicity if they all fell over at the same time. The choreography was good, but they weren’t together – and if they weren’t supposed to be? Well, that doesn’t save it. Frankly, I kept wondering where the curtain rods were in the dresses. A plus to anyone who gets that reference. Nick at Night is your friend.
Courtney: “Well I do declare”…that this dance sucked. Had Aunt Pittypat been in the ballroom, someone would have had to fetch her some smelling salts, because this was just one huge mess – what kind of dance was it even supposed to be, if any? Just seemed like a lot of aimless twirling in ridiculous costumes. The fact that it was supposed to have an antebellum feel to it kinda makes one chuckle, if you realize that only one of the performers in it likely studied the American civil war in school If this was supposed to tease next week’s “movie scores” theme…then I’m nervous. Is this what we have to look forward to???
The “Age Ain’t Nuttin’ but a Number!” Award: Chubby Checker
Courtney: Dude’s still pretty nimble, for a guy who turned 70 the day before he performed on DWTS And he sounds just the same as he did back in the day, too! He was so adorable, gyrating around up there in his jean jacket and checkered cowboy boots. Kinda puts Len to shame, considering he’s 3 years younger than Sir Chubby and doesn’t move nearly as well
Heidi: Poor Len – he looked like the oldest dude in the room by a good bit…and he wasn’t. He did look cute twisting. As for Chubby – did you notice they had a girl there to pull him away from dancing with Len at a set time? What, is dancing with Len so inspiring you’d get lost in it, or is he REALLY 70 and not just look it?
The Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “It’s a new video game!” – explaining what Guys & Dolls is to Rob
Courtney: Oh Tom…Guys & Dolls for Playstation. You silly bitch The sad part: Rob probably would have believed it, had someone else (Cheryl, one of the judges, who knows) not learned him good. Cheryl did have to edumacate him on Frank Sinatra, after all.
Heidi: Was it Frank Sinatra or Fred Astaire – and which one is the bigger travesty?? For the love of GOD, boy, GOOGLE dancing!! You need a good momag…I mean, manager. Are all the ones you know tied up with a bunch of girls? Tom? Marry me.