The cheese practically wrote itself this week, kids Enjoy!
Brooke Burke Flub O’ the Week: Introducing Susan Boyle’s song as “Enchanted Melody” instead of “Unchained Melody”
Courtney: Must be the Righteous Brothers’ G-rated cousin Melvin that penned that gem, Brooke. Not that it really mattered, in the end – Susan was pitchy as hell and Peta & Val looked…seizure-y. ‘Twas a strange performance, all-around. I think enchanted woodland creatures flitting about the floor could have actually been an improvement.
Heidi: Susan Boyle saved Brooke’s flub O’ the Week from being the Flub O’ the Season by sucking so badly that no one probably remembers that Brooke screwed up to begin with. I mean, WTF was that? Was it supposed to sound like that?? Problem with that song is, once you’ve heard it done extremely well by a great voice, everyone else has a hard time measuring up. Poor Susan – and she was so freakishly giddy to be on the show to begin with.
Carson Kressley Line O’ the Night: “Pirates are basically men in tight pants, with open shirts, running around looking for jewelry…I think I can handle that!”
Courtney: This man’s razor sharp wit never ceases to amaze me. The flirting with Storm, the swordfighting instructor, was just icing on the cake…as was his declaration of “Gimme those Louboutins!” as he charged at Anna with his sword. His literal sword…not his naughty one. He’s saving that for Storm
Heidi: I’m sure he’d LIKE to “handle that” if you know what I mean and I think you do. But even more fun from Carson was with the sword trainer they had. The swooning behind his back was hilarious.
Prop use FAIL Award: The bonfire with the extension cord attached in the opening pro number
Courtney: I dunno about you, Heidi, but nothing gives me quite the authetic “Old West” feel as a bonfire…with a very visible extension cord sticking out of it. Keeps the dancers on their toes – gotta keep an eye on that cord, lest you take a tumble over it. But hey, at least it made it a bit easier for the Muppet stagehand to pull it off the floor before the Star Wars portion of the dance.
Heidi: I’m sorry, but that was a crap-ass pro dance and I normally like them. The extension cord at least made it a bit exciting. “Will they trip?!?! Will it come unplugged?!?” Word to the wise, when the Troupe is unable to stay in sync, DO NOT hand them light sabers and turn out the lights. Nothing like drawing attention to an issue. And sorry, I really like Val, but I’m tired of seeing him in EVERY SINGLE pro dance. He’s doing at least one more this upcoming week. Mix it up, people. I wouldn’t even mind seeing MARK at this point!! Actually, a birdie (aka the ABC press release) told me we were getting Mark and Derek with an outside dancer…contemporary or hip hop?? Not sure. Haven’t really researched it.
Emphatic Eyeroll-Worthy Editing Ploy of the Week: The constant panning to the “A-list audience”
Courtney: Oh hai Cher! Wassup Coco? How’s it hangin’, Billy Baldwin? Tally ho, Bruce Jenner! I was kinda in the midst of trying to hear [insert completely unrelated celeb contestant here's] critique when the non-sequitor of your face popped up. But hey, guess the show has graduated to Dancing with the Stars While Even More Stars Observe, so reminding us that you’re in the audience is a neccessary evil.
Heidi: Seriously, who was the misplaced dude in the plaid shirt with Pee Wee Herman?? And did you ever expect to see that sentence on this site? Heh. How’s about we bring the focus back on the dancers and not so much on the audience.
Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “Len’s just pissed because Indiana Jones is cooler than James Bond!”; honorable mention for “Have you seen the prize at the end?” (referring to the MBT)
Courtney: Sorry Len, but while Bond may be a refined British gent with lots of techy, cool gadgets – all Indy’s got is a whip, and he handles his biz. I’d like to see Bond try to outrun a huge boulder or make his way through a snake pit…notice how we never see Bond in those types of perilous situations? He’s too busy diffusing bombs & picking locks & doing recon – activities requiring more brains than braun. But anyway…yeah, it’s all much ado about a cheapie disco ball on a piece of wood that probably retails for about $14. Chynna, I will MAKE you a MBT, if it means that much to you.
Heidi: I think that the comment about the prize at the end, complete with hand gestures in the shape of the MBT, was really it. Loved it. And, really, any guy who can handle a whip and rock the stubble like Indy is gonna naturally be cooler than the suave and clean shaven Bond. He doesn’t even have really good toys of his own, does he??
The Award for Best Intended/Unintended innuendo: Len Goodman for his comment about the lead in his pencil being lost due to the excitement of the dance.
Heidi: The weird thing is, I think only CAI and Tom actually GOT it. And that kinda made it funnier – I couldn’t tell if Len knew what he was saying or not, when he says “The lead’s gone out of it from the excitement of the dance”. I saw it several times and I still don’t know. Tom was a little let down that he’s the only one that guffawed. Geez, Ricki at least should have understood a man talking about ‘the lead in his pencil’ – Derek’s oblivious half the time, but Ricki’s been around long enough to get it. And where the hell was Bruno???
Best Checklist Ever Uttered on DWTS (So Far): Tristan MacManus for “1: Keep Ya Nipples In, 2: No Fahrting, and Tree: Do good.”
Heidi: You like my use of the Irish Accent?? I was with him until he got to Tree and then I started looking around for a Pine or Dutch Elm that he might have been talking to. Seriously though (as IF), you have to love a couple who acknowledge that they get more attention for bodily functions than they do for dancing. Hell, whatever works, babe.
Courtney: I’m still just trying to get past imagining him in a bright green jacket with matching jodhpurs & a matching hat and a pipe sticking out of his wee little mouth every time he talks Who knew leprechauns were secure enough to poke fun at themselves? And I move that TPTB somehow script the word “third” or “three” into Tristan’s dialogue every week
Heidi: Show me your pot of gold, baby. Seriously, I giggle madly every time he says “tree opinions…it’s just tree opinions”.
Heidi’s Favorite WTF Moment of The Week: Len and Bruno having a Slap Fight in the Background While Tom is in the Foreground Talking to the Camera
Heidi: It was at 42 minutes, right after Derek and Julianne appear before the commercial during the results show and it was hilarious. I have no idea what was going on (besides them) but they were slapping at each other like two sorority girls in a bar bathroom. Hilarious!! I would kill to know what that little fight was all about.
Courtney: You know who could probably give those two stellar slap-fighting lessons? Carson. Or, according to Heidi, me…since I was in a sorority. Although I have to admit, I was never really big on slapping in bar bathrooms…I pretty much went straight for the hair-pulling and face-clawing. Why do you think I worked a biweekly manicure into my budget during those years? Anywho…since Len’s oh-so-very British, I wonder if he pulled a pair of riding gloves out of his breast pocket and slapped Bruno across the face with them. It’s only the proper thing to do.
Heidi: I watched it again – he actually tried to shove Bruno off his chair. Wut part of London you from, me old sausage?
Best Intended and Unlikely Innuendo of the Week: Carson Kressley for “She’s shivering my timbers right now”
Heidi: Aw, Carson, that’s very sweet of you to say to get Anna to laugh instead of cry. Cuz really?? I think it more likely that Maks or Derek shiver your timbers, but I appreciate the effort totally. I get the feeling that no one would be crying around Carson for long, if he didn’t come up with shivering timbers it would some riff about ruining a perfectly good makeup job.
Courtney: I know I can’t be the only one who thought of a certain episode of South Park when Carson uttered that line…although I’m not sure “shivering” and “scissoring” one’s timbers are the same thing…*shakes head* I wonder if Carson’s timbers were also shivered during Maks’ pre-foxtrot…er, “re-alignment”. See below
The Award For Best and Most Obvious Adjustment: Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Heidi: Dude, the camera is on you when you’re standing up on the stairs, right before you dance, and decide THAT is the moment when you have to make sure everything is in it’s proper place. Could you BE more obvious?? LOL – maybe he was teasing Carson? Hint: Dancers Belt.
Courtney: Dude, at least act like you’re playing pocket pool…it’s a tiny bit less obvi. And while a dance belt does work wonders for keeping one’s naughty bits strapped down, it might also cause fertility problems if worn for too long. So ladies, be thankful that Maks is thinking of you when he shuns the dance belt…he likely intends to make many Mini-Maks’ in the future Now say that ten times fast…
The Award for Best, Unexpected Use of the Moonwalk: Blake Shelton
Heidi: Poor Blake – seems most people forgot he was even on the show, except the cameraman who cut to him right before commercial when he proceeded to do a…moonwalk? Freakin’ hilarious…and odd. I love him, he’s so adorable…for a GIANT. Dude is huge!! I want to squeeze him.
Courtney: Aaaaand cue the Blake Shelton casting rumors for season 14 Hell, when Donnie Wahlberg busted a move on a results show, the rumor mill exploded. Blake Shelton doing the white-boy moonwalk? Oh, he’s already a shoo-in for the MBT