Well, Courtney and I are suffering from a bit of a mid-season “blah” – all my mind is really capable of right now is “Derek pretty…Derek pretty…” So, this version of the cheesecake is for both weeks 5 and 6, and it’s either going to be extremely bitchy or short and mean. Hard to tell. It’s perception, really.

Week 5

Tom Bergeron’s WTF Moment of the Night: When Brooke says “A Hush has fallen over the Ballroom” yet there is actually a pretty noticeable booing and hissing from the audience.

Heidi: Poor Tom, he just couldn’t help himself, he had to say something. His response was pretty funny: “Sounds like a pretty angry ‘hush’ to me.” Geez, Brooke? Really? A hush? Maybe you meant hiss?? Here’s a piece of advice – don’t ad lib.

Courtney: Someone call tech support, stat – the Brookebot 2.0 has a glitch in its matrix. Seriously, she’s like Tickle Me Elmo these days – only says a handful of phrases, and it’s only cute once or twice before it gets terribly annoying.

The Award for Biggest WTF of the Results Show: The Choir

Heidi: Um, really?? A choir? In the gowns and everything?? And it wasn’t a little choir, there was a whole dang bunch of them. I thought for a moment I was watching the finale of American Idol. I will say, the choir stayed in sync better than the troupe dancers did. I have to say that the choir coming out (and yes, I get the Madonna connection) was the first time in a long time that I sat there going “what the f*#k are they doing?” I was momentarily stumped. Confused. Befuddled.

Courtney: Confuzzled I sure hope they didn’t break the bank when they booked the choir – if I were them, I’d be funneling more money into get a troupe that CAN ACTUALLY DANCE IN SYNCH than into ridiculous, over-the-top props. Maybe this is why they skimped on the fire with the extension cord a few weeks ago – had to pinch pennies to afford the choir.

The Award for “The Guy Most Likely to be the REAL Dark Horse”: David Arquette, for the extended use of hilarious British accents (Manchester United!!) AND for yelling, loudly, “I voted for you, JR” while they were all talking to Brooke.

Heidi: I’m sorry, I know David got off to a rocky start, and it seemed like a lot of people didn’t like him for one reason or another, but Tuesday night was a schmorgass board of hilarity from David and Kym both. He really had me laughing, and I was terribly disappointed when the BTS of him and Kym spouting stuff off in British accents ended. I wanted to hear MORE. Funny thing, in the sky box it was almost like he was shouting random British things in the accent. The capper of course being “I voted for you, JR” – no wonder he’s so popular on set. That was f*#kin’ funny.

Courtney: I think my personal favorite was the oddly-misplaced (yet somehow, also perfectly placed) “OY!” Seriously, I’m loving David these days – he’s finally relaxed and isn’t trying so damn hard, he’s having fun, and he’s not playing into the drama that TPTB seemed to be pushing upon him so hard at the beginning. This guy has the perfect attitude for heading into the finals – his dancing is improving & he’s having fun, but he doesn’t smack of desperation like he did the first 2 or 3 weeks of the season. David’s funny streak continued through this past week…more later

The “We’re 20 Seconds Short So Len Gets to Pontificate on How People Stay on the Show, thereby Throwing JR and Ricki fans into a Panic” Award: Production Muppets

Heidi: Really, who didn’t think “Oh boy, Tom’s making Len talk about voting so the good people stick around, so one of the top two is going to be in “jeopardy”, faux or otherwise.” I thought for sure that was their not so subtle segue in to putting one of them in jeopardy. Since neither one of them has ever been in jeopardy, and I believe both have been called safe very early in the show every time, they must be getting an ass ton of votes. Otherwise, they’re getting hosed so that the producers can prop up Hope and David. Not getting enough votes (compared to, say, Chaz)? We’ll stick you in the faux bottom two over and over until it works. Ricki and JR fans – keep voting your butts off.

Courtney: That seriously gave me hope (no pun intended) that it was Hope headed home instead of Carson. Cruel, cruel trick by TPTB It definitely felt like a ploy by somebody upstairs to wake somebody’s fans up and get them to vote harder…like “Well, you guys have sent home two good dancers already, we’re not letting you get away with sending home a 3rd!!!” Grrrr. It was probably nothing more than a time filler that just happened to be a bit of a PSA for JR & Ricki fans to vote. Thanks for wasting my time, asshats.

The Award for Celeb Showing Actual Signs of Life: Rob Kardashian

Heidi: This was the first week that I though maybe he wasn’t a boring lump and he might actually have a sense of humor!! He actually cracked about being “on a cloud because Len finally accepted me” – actually pretty amusing. He’s growing up, maybe? Finally getting out of all those sisters (aka harpies) shadows and standing on his own. He’s actually getting better as a dancer too!!

Courtney: Like David, Rob is kinda growing on me, too – in fact, the only couple left that I’m not feeling a bit protective towards is Hope & Maks, likely because they just seem to drive each other (and the judges) crazy, which in turn drives me crazy Poor Rob definitely feels a bit like the “forgotten Kardashian” – he’s not a showboater & an attention whore like his older sisters or his mom, or a pawn & a tag-along like Bruce. I like this He may not be quite as appealing as Romeo, but he’s definitely following the same pattern – starting off as the “cool guy” who wasn’t into being goofy or theatrical, but slowly letting go and enjoying himself and growing into quite an appealing contestant. Hell, like Romeo, he even has a “gimmick”: “I went to USC” is Rob’s “doing it for the kids” Hehe…I dig it. Now if only we could institute a ban on Kardashian women in the ballroom…Bruce & Lamar are ok. They can stay, cause they don’t holler. 8)

The “Blink and You Missed it” Award for Biting Humor: Len Goodman for “You ‘ad enough yet? It’s like the Sermon on the Mount” while trying to get his turn in to critique Rob and Cheryl

Heidi: If it wasn’t for DVR I would have totally missed that little gem of a comment. I was half paying attention on my second viewing and heard that and was, “whuh??” Rolled it back and started laughing, especially when Tom throws in a “Look who’s talking”. Okay, so it’s the little things that amuse me.

Courtney: Len would know about the Sermon on the Mount…he was probably there.

Best Use of a Prop: Carson Kressley, for using the male members of the troupe as a pyramid: honorable mention for JR playing the bongos during his samba

Courtney: Leave it to Carson to figure out another purpose for those sorely under-utilized troupe boys I don’t think I’ve seen such an ingenious use of a pro as a prop since Chad & Cheryl used Tony & Jonathan in their paso in season 10! Nice to see JR legitimately playing the bongos, too – thankfully he didn’t pull & Matthew McConaughey play them naked!

Heidi: The troupe boys even stayed in sync whilst being used. Of course, they weren’t moving….

Worst Use of a Prop: Hope’s bizarre vinyl trenchcoat and matching clutch purse

Courtney: Thank damn trench coat just seemed to cause problems when it came time to remove it, and really – WTF was the purpose of that ridiculously large clutch purse? To carry her ridiculously large 80s cell phone??? Whatever it was, it was a bad idea – they were practically tripping over it.

Heidi: I didn’t get the whole thing. What was the point?? Maks had an urge to use a copious amount of vinyl??  Time wasting plan??  What??

Week 6

Award for Best Blinding by a Mail Order Bride: Oksana, whipping her hair so hard that Mark was blinded by a curtain of hair for a 10 counts.

Heidi: That was worth the price of admission. Hilarious. Even better was Mark scrabbling at his face cuz he really couldn’t see.

Courtney: Wait, are we talking about Mark or Maks? Cause she whacked the latter with her mane, too, while trying to help Hope be sexy. Maybe in Russia, assaulting a man with your hair is a courting gesture?

Heidi: So, this is a habit, then, cuz I’m talking about Mark – during an actual pro dance.  Hilarious.  It’s clear during Hope’s package that she thinks this move is innovative choreo and sexy all at the same time. FAIL.

Best Production Prop of the Season Thus Far: Chaz Bono, popping up as the Phantom in several background shots.

Heidi: Okay, I only caught two instances, but now I’m wondering if I have to rewatch the entire show to see if there is more. The first one was him lurking behind Tristan and Nancy, which was good, but the one I nearly missed was him up in the third balcony standing in fog while Tom was doing his “coming up on DWTS…Chaz Bono…” Freakin’ brilliant. And more than a bit creepy.

Courtney: Chaz’s random crop-ups were definite Easter eggs in Monday night’s show It was like a fun game of “Where’s Waldo?” or ” I Spy”…it wasn’t always easy to find him, but when you did – you chuckled

Biggest Irony of the Season thus Far: Lacey Schwimmer Complaining about how Horrible 80′s Clothings is/was.

Heidi: Seriously, Lacey, have you looked in the mirror recently?? You often look like a homeless person who got dressed in the dark and who is also color blind. A really, you think tulle ballet skirts and crotch doilies are an improvement??

Courtney: Let us not forget her obnoxiously-patterned Hammer pants & intentional dark roots on bleach -blonde hair look. And I’m sorry, but no one held a gun to your head & made you rock that puff paint-splattered ensemble, Lacey – Karina also had an 80s samba & decided not to look intentionally 80s-y. Guess 80s gaudiness is only cool if Lacey’s being “rebellious” & is the only one doing it. But if everyone else is? Lame-O, apparently.

Most Bizarre Optical Illusion of Week 6: Martina McBride and her white dress on the Results Show

Heidi: I kept looking at her going “Is she pregnant?? Is it the dress?? That is the weirdest dress in the world.” Seriously, I kept staring and staring at it. It was cute, but it was…misleading.

Courtney: Thank god I’m not the only one that thought she was knocked up! That dress just tented over her midsection bizarrely – definitely have the impression of having a bun in the oven. The pattern of the fabric didn’t help, either.

Award for the guy STILL most likely to be the “Dark Horse”: David Arquette, for various endearing moments this week

Courtney: He came. He did a pretty good Travolta impersonation. He brought doughnuts to group dance practice. He CONQUERED. This guy is just one big walking lump of…duh, winning.

Heidi: He just makes me giggle.  And he’s actually kinda cute.

Best method of cutting tension, post-Maksgate 2k11: Tom’s quip of “Darn, I was gonna ask him for a raise!”; honorable mention for JR’s cute excited hand gesture

Courtney: Immediately after the tension in the celebraquaruim on Monday night, they pan to the positively giggle-worthy sight of JR doing he & Karina’s signature “excited” hand waving. And then on Tuesday, Tom responds to Maks’ backpedalling of “I didn’t really mean that this was my show!” with that aforementioned quip. God I love it when someone manages to juxtapose such an unpleasant, awkward moment with such…jocularity.

Heidi: Lucky for Maks, I’m thinking.  The BTS of the judges and Tom after all that crap on Monday night was telling. He should be worried. Or not, depending on how they decide to play it – straight up score her like she deserves OR play very nice and overscore in some misplaced attempt to prove Maks wrong. We’ve seen both…and I’ll bet on a little of both.