We’re back and sassy this week, kids – and you might not read any further if you’re a fan of Kardashians, extraneous props, elves, or artificial hair extensions…;-)
Most Ironic Choice of Wardrobe: Brooke Burke’s “brain” dress
Courtney: I know I can’t be the only one that took one look at Brooke’s dress and chuckled, for it kinda resembled a brain. Oh Brooke – if only you had one Guess wearing something that looks like one is the next best thing…
Heidi: She should have worn that Halloween week – bwainzzzz. A little zombie make up and you have the perfect (and appropriate) costume!!
Best Indicator That “Maks Wuz Heeeere”: Covering up Karina’s picture on the wall in the rehearsal studio
Courtney: Ok, perhaps it’s another odd little thing that I honed in on, but there was a random picture that looked to be out of a kids’ coloring book that was totally obscuring Karina’s face in the picture of her & Ralph’s quickstep that hung on the wall of the rehearsal studio…while Hope & Maks were there. I can only assume this was intentional, as that seems to be a rather odd place to put a coloring book picture, considering all of the empty wall space elsewhere in the studio. Yeeeep…we get it, loud & clear. Still mad at Karina. What’s next, carving her phone number into a men’s room stall door? Teepeeing her house? Making her a pan of brownies with Ex-Lax in them?
Heidi: If you ever needed proof that he is a 12 year old in an adult body, this is it. Combined with his inability to let anything go…like, for example, exclaiming that he thought Hope deserved 9’s a long time ago. Twelve year olds really shouldn’t do crack, Maks, their brains won’t mature and you’ll end up wearing a brain dress like Brooke. If you don’t have it, wear it.
Best Excuse for Wonky Judging: Carrie Ann’s vision-obscuring bangs
Courtney: Homegirl needs to fire the stylist that told her the shaggy dog look was in right now – she looked like she could barely see what was going on. No wonder she thought Ricki looked like she was stopping a lot – Carrie Ann was probably blinking so much that she was missing whole portions of the performance! I’m blaming this hair-don’t on those damned DWTS Hair Extensions – the fake bangs don’t look good on anyone except Kym, and that damn polyester Barbie hair looks abnormally shiny. And flammable – wonder if an errant spark from the light rigging could make that lady toupee go up in flames…
Heidi: I have to believe that part of this issue in their cheap fake hair is the flame retardant material. While bangs going up in flames could help Carrie Ann, it’s good for no one else. Maybe it’s so bad because to prevent fires. But what about that wack-ass feather bracelet she was wearing?? What is this theme she’s got going on here?
Courtney: Kids, just say no to artificial hair. Not only is it tacky, it’s dangerously flammable. If you can’t achieve it, weave it – but at least invest in the real human hair extensions, for the sake of your style & safety. And yes, I am a total hair snob. As for the feather bracelet…I got nuttin’. Is she suddenly embracing her Native roots?
Heidi: Native WHAT? LOL.
WTF? Costuming Award, Male: Rob Kardashian, for his derriere-inflating striped pants
Courtney: Cheryl, honey, after the judges (well, mainly Bruno, for obvious reasons) seemed to hone-in on Rob’s ample tookus last week as a potential problem, I would think you’d try to avoid drawing attention to it. But noooo – you decide to flaunt it in tight, loudly-striped pants. I could invite Rob to a party and set my drink on his ass when I didn’t feel like holding it anymore. Guess fat-bottomed Kardashians make the world go ’round.
Heidi: My sister calls it “shelf butt”. Now seating table for two…
WTF? Costuming Award, Female: Hope Solo, for her country bumpkin halter top; Honorable Mention: Hope Solo for her Quickstep Outfit
Courtney: Would it have killed Maks to put her in a Latin dress?! This is the 2nd time we’ve seen Hope in pants and a shirt for jive, and the bandana-esque halter top he put her in was a real head-scratcher for me. Was he hoping they would get a country western-themed jive? It didn’t even really say “country western” to me, anyway – it just kinda said “trailer trash”.
Heidi: The two pieces didn’t even GO together!! WTF? He has NO knack at all for dressing his partners. When he gets it right, it’s pretty much luck. And her quickstep dress?? I think we can get a drinking game out of Maks putting his partner in way too much clothing that they can then waste time removing. This week it was the hat and the coat, earlier in the season it was a coat and a ridiculous bag. Pretty sure that there are at least two instances of this every season. Combine it with his tendency to put in a lot of walking or running and you have a whole lot of time being wasted.
Courtney: It’s a move straight from the Maksim Chmerkovskiy playbook: when in doubt, overdress, and then spend a considerable amount of time removing said clothing. I liked the dress – Hope actually looked very pretty in yellow – but I didn’t see the need for a raincoat & umbrella. Just seemed to create timing problems. Add “pointless props” to the list of things you should just say no to this week, kids – props & artificial hair.
Heidi: And the hat. You forgot the hat. Ugh.
Weirdest Costume Choice for a Jive: Derek Hough for his tux
Heidi: Rarely do I look at something Derek has put together in terms of costume and say WTF? But I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anyone jive in a tux before – it’s odd. Then it occurred to me that it was a strategic choice – he only had to change his jacket from his Waltz, so he could go listen to the music and tweak the choreo while Ricki was changing.
Courtney: Makes sense. *nods head like Evaine* I think the only other time a pro has ever been smart enough to do something like that was when Mark wore a suit for his samba with Melissa in season 9 – looked totally out-of-place at the time, but it made sense when I realized that it was actually his costume for his surprise dance with the Jabbawockeez on the results show the following night. Probably saved him from the dreaded quick-change – more of a convenience move, rather than a strategy one. Wonder if any of the other pros will follow suit (no pun intended) in future seasons, to better prepare themselves & their partner for the instant dance.
The Award for Best Homage to Burlesque: the Female Pros
Heidi: What do you mean that wasn’t an homage but a pro dance?? Don’t get me wrong – I thought it was hot. But it was hard to tell at times if I was watching DWTS or show at Deja Vu.
Courtney: Seriously, who choreographed that oversexed schlock? I actually wasn’t much a fan of it – yeah, it was hot, but I feel like the female pros on this show are capable of SOOOOOOO much more. This felt like a low-budget rip-off of the original Pussycat Dolls (the burlesque show, NOT the pop group), with a dash of Beyonce thrown in. I think I might have even preferred Lacey’s choreo to this – and that’s saying something. It is possible to be both sexy and still do a dance with a high level of technical difficulty that shows what you’re really capable of – the male pros did it.
Heidi: I would bet it WAS Lacey – the last time they pulled together something rather weird and strip club-y I’m pretty sure it was her. Wanting to put the new boobs to the test now.
Most Adorably Clueless Celebrity: Rob Kardashian for having to ask which judge slapped his ass in the BTS footage
Heidi: Really Rob?? Seriously?? Who has to ask which judge slapped their ass?? Which judge has been obsessed with your ass?? BRUNO!!
Courtney: Henceforth, Rob should just assume that to Bruno, there is a huge bullseye on his heinie. And the object of the game is to avoid giving the flamboyant little Italian an easy target. Think of yourself as the Roadrunner, Rob – and Bruno is Wile E. Coyote. Get some anvils, brah.
Most Adorably NOT Clueless Pro Dancer: Derek Hough, for appearing to know in advance he was going to end up in a suggestive skit in Dance Center
Heidi: Seriously, was I the only one who could see realization hit him of what it looked like when he was standing behind a bent over Ricki who was talking about how it hurt?? LOL. He suddenly backed up and started rubbing his face. Too late, Derek – you is a prominent part of Dance Center.
Courtney: He totally had a Ron Jeremy moment when he was in that position – you could see his eyes light up when he had that moment of realization Ladies, if you didn’t know it already – within every man, there is a porn star just waiting to come out. Sometimes it’s not necessarily at the right times, but it’s totally there And I don’t believe for a second that he didn’t have a moment of “Hehe, you’re welcome, Ricki” upon hearing her say “Uggghh, I so want that!!!” as she contemplated his hindquarters. Waaaanky
Heidi: His voice was unnaturally deep when he said, “It doesn’t hurt me, but I can see how it would hurt you.” And then the moment of realization. I know I sure was thinking about sex at that point. And it took me a good ten minutes to stop thinking about it…
The “Synchronization…it’s just a Word” Award: the Troupe, for once again TOTALLY failing to Dance Together.
Heidi: Jesus, do you people practice?? Do you know how to count?? Or are you all so lost in the AMAZING choreography that it moves you to just…move?? What does it take for you to do ONE dance all in sync together??
Courtney: I blame Sasha the elf – he’s the new kid in town, and he always seemed like he was a beat or two ahead of Ted & Kiki, the vets. Eager lil guy, he is…but I simply can’t take him seriously out on the floor. I have to resist the urge to ask him how things are going up at the North Pole Can’t blame the girls too much – except Oksana. The sheer ridiculousness of the mail-order bride & the elf dancing together is almost too much for me to take.
Biggest DWTS Punchline: Kim Kardashian
Heidi: And with good reason. Tom got a shot in when he said Rob had the best week of any Kardashian and then Kim was all over Dance Center, but my favorite was “Rob has lasted longer in this competition than Sister Kim’s marriage.” Someone saw the twitter game “things that lasted longer than Kim K’s Marriage.” One part of me was cringing a bit with all the shots at Kim in front of her family, but the much larger, nasty part of me was cackling in glee – cuz it was so earned.
Courtney: Hell, they’re probably lapping all of this up like a cat with a saucer of cream – funny how Kim keeps turning up in various places (airports, clothing stores, Kris Humpries doorstep) with minimal security and in full hair & makeup, when she’s supposed to be “in hiding”. Oh yeah, “Kim just needs some privacy”…privacy my ass. They’re milking all of this – Kris worst of all. I’m surprised she hasn’t called a press conference yet. So if it’s attention they want – it’s attention they’ll get…it just won’t all be positive What a joke.
Best Rip Off of PureDWTS: The Men of Dance Center and their harassing of Tristan for his “turds”.
Heidi: Yeah, I know, they didn’t really rip us off….or did they? Either way, Tristan played along beautifully.
Courtney: Do we have any readers out there that happen to be copyright lawyers? Cause I’m thinking that the writers at DWTS are doing a little surfing around out in the interwebs and may have stumbled across some of Heidi & I’s gems…and decided to help themselves. Case in point: they mentioned Rob’s proclivity for reminding us that he “went to USC”…only they did it about 2 weeks after I did, in the cheescake. But as for the “turd” – maybe the hilarity of it is wearing off a bit for me, because it honestly sounds more to me like he’s saying “toured” now. Not so much a hard “u”.
Heidi: He did that on purpose to passive aggressively thwart the “lads” from making fun of him.
Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: …”Tristan who doesn’t have a full time job but who deserves occasional hazard pay…” Honorable Mention: “That was an intestinal thing..” in response to a lone boo after Len’s comments
Heidi: I was thinking Tom was having a bit of an off night up til this point. Still not the best, but bwahaha…poor Tristan. Really, poor Nancy…she’s the one who got poked at.
Courtney: I was actually a big fan of “Bruno let us borrow his tent” after observing the set for Ricki & Derek’s waltz, in all its gauzy fabric glory…if it were me though, I would have gotten a bit more R-rated and gone with “Bruno decided to lend a helping hand on the set this week…and pitched this tent for us.”
Heidi: Bwahahaha…big fan of tent pitching, I am.