DWTS Season 14, Weeks 1 and 2 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Another season, another wheel of cheese. Occassionally, what you read will be an inside joke from a previous season; if you want to catch up on previous awards, just click that big box over there —>

Also, newbie note: In these awards, Courtney and I are sometimes funny, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes bitchy, sometimes annoyed by the whole show….ALWAYS guaranteed to piss someone off. You’ve been warned. :-)

I also apologize that these weren’t done sooner – that was actually my fault.  My regular 9-5 zapped pretty much all of my creative energy this week, so I didn’t even get to touch these until late yesterday.  So sorry for those of you tweaking from cheese withdrawal :-P -Court-

Award for Most Innovative (NOT!) Choreographic Choice: Whoever instructed Oksana to do nothing more than whip her hair around like the weapon it is.

Heidi: Seriously – is that the only thing she knows how to do?? It pretty much dominated her little section of the Troupe tribute bit…which in and of itself was a waste of space. Is this like the mating dance of the Mail Order Bride??

Courtney: Newsflash, Mail Order Bride: you are not Willow Smith, and thus whipping your hair back & forth is not really going to garner you any high praise or ignite a dance craze.  But yeah, that hair looks downright deadly at times – and it’s starting to look a little stringy and coarse, too, I’m afraid.  And that steely silver color she’s got going on????! YIKES.  Is she trying to attract a more mature (and affluent) potential husband over at the mail order bride site? I never did understand the whole “fashion gray” hair craze that started last year…trying to look elderly when you’re in your 20s just confuses me. And kids, remember: hairography KILLS.

Heidi: Or at the very least, put out an eye. :-)

The Award for HUGEST Wardrobe Mistake (More Like Eyesore) in Week 2: Tony Dovolani for Martina’s Costume; (Dis)Honorable Mention – Cheryl Burke for Cheryl Burke

Heidi: Remember how I was talking about all the pros having a “Tic” (IE something they do repeatedly almost reflexively)?? Well that gawdawful mesh crap over a bra would be Tony’s. For the love of God man, she’s over 50 and she trusted you to cloth her in a GOOD way. That was just ten thousand kinds of bad. As for Cheryl – what the hell is she thinking?? It’s tempting to blame the lack of Randall, and maybe in Cheryl’s case it’s a question of construction and not design, but Tony has been using that style for a long damn time. Melissa and Audrina (to name 2) both wore that mesh deal over bras. Ugh.  Those were the two glaring errors in a night filled with mini fashion disasters.

Courtney: My best assessment of Martina’s costume? What an albino dolphin might look like trapped in a gay fisherman’s net.  Just…NO, Tony.  But my biggest concern was actually Cheryl’s Cleopatra-meets-marshmallow Peep getup – that thing made her look wider than a Mack truck.  Once again, I reiterate: if you are on DWTS and even SLIGHTLY curvy, you must pay close attention to the silhouettes of your costumes…especially if your partner is so ripped that you could grate cheese on his abs.  Like hairography, Peeps also kill – if they don’t give you diabeeeeetus, they’ll at least inspire costumes that you normally wouldn’t be caught dead in ;-)

Take comfort, Cheryl…Derek likes peeps….

Heidi: I’m sorry…but aren’t blue peeps against the peep laws of nature?? :-)

Tom Bergeron Snarky Aside of the Night, Week 1: To Derek, after Derek says he’ll “work on” opening Maria’s sex spot: “You’re such a giver.”

Heidi: It’s a snarky aside because I didn’t even hear it until the second time through. When I did hear it I did laugh out loud though. Yeah, there was nothing self serving about Derek’s comment at all. Good ole Tom. :-) Don’t let any crack by a pro or judge slip by without one upping them. This is why you are my future former husband. ;-)

Courtney: At the risk of taking the RPAA rating of this post to NC-17, I am going to politely decline commenting on this award ;-) Sex spots, working on opening things, being a giver…yeah, there’s no way I can respond to this one with my dignity intact.

Celeb Most Likely to Take Flight in a Stiff Wind: Roshon

Heidi: Yes, he’s a little tiny boy, but that’s not all. He’s a little tiny boy with ears made for space flight. Or satellite reception. :-)

Courtney: Anyone else think Roshon looks (and kinda acts) like a young Will Smith? :-P He’s cute as a button, but yeah – I kinda wanna feed the kid a sammich and put some earmuffs on him, at times. :-P

The “HEY!! WE’RE THE ONES GIVING OUT AWARDS AROUND HERE, PAL!!” Award: Tom Bergeron for “Maria Menounos gets the Monty Python Award…’it’s only a flesh wound!!!'”

Heidi: I do believe Tom stole from us. We do the awards and that’s a really good one. I really love Maria; I think she’s sweet and gorgeous and she’s giving Derek a good time (no gutter) – but damn girl, your ribs aren’t just bruised, they’re BROKEN. That is PAIN. Greek is strong, indeed. I also love Tom at the end of the results show, “Katherine just bear hugged Maria and broke another rib…but she’s fine.” (Non-snarky aside: I LOVE a man who will quote Monty Python at me…) Anyway, I admire their determination for it to not be about the fact that she’s broken (and that there’s more broken than her ribs), but at what point is the girl carrying it a bit too far?

Courtney: Meh, just rub some hummus on those ribs, Maria…or is it Windex that’s the Greek cure-all? :-P

The Award for the Nearly Unrecognizable Impersonation: Derek Hough for the Humphrey Bogart (I think??) in the confessional; Honorable Mention – Mark Ballas for god knows what in the confessional.

Heidi: I think Derek was doing a Bogie impersonation but I’m not old enough or schooled enough in Bogart to be sure…and Derek wasn’t terribly good at it. It was a good voice, but a good Bogart? Not so sure. :-) And what connection am I missing?? They’re dressed as Bonnie and Clyde – did Bogart do a movie about?? Oh, and if he wasn’t doing Bogie…he’s worse than I thought. :-) As for Mark…that whole Welsh Wiggler bit was funny…but I have no clue what it was he was doing. :-)  What was that voice?? Faux British wrestling announcer??

Courtney: If that was supposed to be Bogie, than Bogie must be a cross between a 1920’s gangster and somebody’s wise old Irish grandpa.  If he was going for Warren Beatty (who actually played Clyde) – errrr.  Maybe he was channeling him in the wrong movie…Dick Tracy, maybe? As for Mark…who the hell knows.  I thought he sounded more like Don King than a British wrestling announcer :-P And for those of you too young to remember Don King…the resemblance between he & Mark is downright UNCANNY ;-)

Celeb Line ‘O the Night: Sherri Shepherd for “…my face kept getting caught in your butt…”

Heidi: Sherri will be annoying before too long, but that was pretty f@#kin’ funny. :-) But even better was how she went on about not wanting that to happen so she “side swiped” and Val comes back with “I showered”. LOL – okay, only a dancer’s biggest concern would be hygiene, not an actual face stuck in your butt.  Maybe this “face in butt” thing is pretty common…

Courtney: *shrug* Back in my dancing heyday, my bigger concern was getting my face caught in someone’s crotch…and depending on who’s crotch it was, it was sometimes a problem, and sometimes…not such a problem ;-) Have I gone too far yet? Anywho, I kind of loved that whole exchange – and I gotta give Val for being unexpectedly hilarious at times, since he’s usually so quiet.  Something about a guy that’s so deadpan but can still deliver zingers like that with a straight face….cracks my sh*t up :-P

Heidi: Yeah, I can see the pros and cons of the crotch thing, really I can…I guess I’ve never been a butt girl…  :::cough:::

The Award for the Trouper With the Best (NOT!) Back Up Employment Plan (aka the “Stuart Award”): Sasha, who seems to think Ballroom Equals an Opportunity to do a Gymnastics Floor Routine

Heidi: Come on, Man…between you and Oksana with the Hairography, I’m thinking that perhaps the Troupe doesn’t actually DANCE but just flips shit around, be it hair or their body. Ya know, I love a good series of flips – Derek does them brilliantly…approximately ONCE per SEASON. Not 5 times in each “dance”. Hey Court, what do you get when you put Oksana and Sasha in a dance together??

Courtney: Grave bodily injury and a bad case of vertigo? Ok, seriously, I’m getting fed up with the troupe thinking that they should be doing all this extraneous non-ballroom poppycock like hairography, gymnastics, and in Henry’s case, festive jumping. Sasha is quite possibly my LEAST favorite member of the troupe, as he seems to have developed a chronic case of what I like to call “Stuart Syndrome” – basically a compulsive need to say “Look at what I can do! Look at what I can do!” and then launch into some spastic display of irrelevant movement.  For those you unfamiliar with the reference, go to YouTube and search “MadTV Stuart” – it was a character played by Michael McDonald that was this bizarre little boy that liked to say “Look at what I can do!” before launching into some bizarre display.  I have a feeling we may be giving out the “Stuart Award” multiple times this season, and it may be a constant brawl between Sasha & Mark to win it…although I think Sasha may win this one more, since his philosophy seems to be “When in doubt, do a backflip.”

The Award for the Professional with the Best Sense of the Absurd: Tristan McMannus, for laughing after the stupid ass line they gave him in his intro: “I’m the hot one”

Heidi: He better laugh. In a cast with Derek, Maks and Val etc., Tristan is “the hot one”??  I thought that was William Levy, in any case. On second thought, Tristan is right – he’s certainly hotter than William. :-D Not a stretch at ALL! He doesn’t have a teeny tiny peanut head.

Courtney: I think the 2 pros that ended up with the best intros were the 2 guys who actually poked fun at themselves – between Derek’s “4 chest hairs” bit and Tristan’s tongue-in-cheek “I’m the hot one”, I was chortling merrily for at least a minute or two :-P Can you imagine the producers on this one? “Ok Tristan, we want you to say ‘I’m the hot one on DWTS’! Got it?” And Tristan, in typical Tristan fashion, probably went “Pssssh, sure ok!” and then delivered it with the greatest amount of sarcasm he could muster.  LOVES IT.

Heidi: Derek and Tristan have been hanging out and I can see why – both have a wide self deprecating streak, or at the very least, humility. And they always deliver these script lines with a good laugh. Pretty much securing their spot in the cheesecake awards, as opposed to the crap ass writers who write schlock (aka Cheese) to begin with.  Derek’s was quite hilarious…but after studying that chest for a while, I would say he’s got at least 6 chest hairs.  For the uninitiated, I ask you to have someone tell you about the treasure trail discussion of the summer. ;-)

The Closet Bad Girl Award: Melissa Gilbert

Courtney: She dated Billy Idol back in the day??? And she makes suggestive references to “having fun” at “Disneyland”? I am starting to really like this chick – she’s got a bit of a wild side, methinks ;-)

Heidi: The whole Billy Idol dating thing sealed her coolness cred for me. Total rocker chick hidden under the prairie obsessed persona. It’s a shame though that the wack ass producers thought it would “super cool” (or perhaps *rad*) to tie her past with Billy Idol to her quickstep. Seriously? Probably the worst song choice for the night – not by itself because I love me some Billy Idol – but that was a hard as hell song to find a quickstep in. Unless you’re doing drugs and just pulling song titles out of a hat. :::rolls eyes:::

Best Dance Face: Donald Driver

Courtney: If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought our resident happy guy Donald was REALLLLLLY having a good time out on the dance floor…and I mean a REALLY GOOD TIME :-D I like to call his expression “The Quickstep O-Face”.

Heidi: He’s having a good time and it shows. Heh. And that was a pretty good quickstep, after watching it again. Better than William’s by a mile. I’m gonna call Donald for the finale right now, based on pure personality and no small amount of talent. Heh. :-D I also love a man who will admit that he watched the show since Season 1.