Yes, folks, we are GOING THERE. Be prepared.
The “Can’t Hit the Broad Side of A Barn” Award: Derek and Maria Menounos for a disturbing inability to high five…or kiss on the mouth…on the first try.
Heidi: I’ve read that these two have amazing chemistry…but what is the deal with their timing? The other night in the confessional wasn’t the first time they’ve had a “swing and a miss” when it comes to celebrating. And Damn, the first time Derek actually goes for a kiss during a dance and she arches her back so he grazes her…chin. At least she made up for it in the end, but dang. If it weren’t for her boyfriend I would start to think they were made for each other with the crazy assed timing issue. I would have to wonder if everything misses on the first try. Heh.
Courtney: Here’s the play-by-play of the kiss: Derek goes in for the kill, Maria resists, Derek ends up making out with chin, Maria changes mind, they almost get it right and then BOOM…it’s time to move on to the next step in their routine. *sigh* Sometimes in life, the timing is all wrong…and I mean that on both a small and large scale, within this context < /shipping>
The “Pssst…your costume tic is showing” Award, female: Cheryl Burke, for her affinity for loofah-inspired costuming
Courtney: Rub-a-dub-dub, Cheryl must love the tub – because seriously, I’ve never seen loofahs utilized in costuming (and so frequently!) until Cheryl started donning them in the past few seasons. Are they in case the mood to bathe & exfoliate suddenly hits her mid-dance? Who knows. But my wise little mommy made the observation that Cheryl seems to pile on the fluff & ruffles more often when she’s a bit more on the curvy side – which seems a bit counterintuitive, since they just add more bulk. If she really wanted to sleekify her frame, she should at least avoid all of these outrageous sherbet & Kool-Aid-colored ruffles and go for something black or neutral. But of course, that would be logical, and sometimes this show is anything but
Heidi: Is this her mid-life crisis showing?? What the hell? Lacey is off the show for the season so Cheryl has to pick up the gawdawful costuming slack?? And I still think blue peeps are illegal.
The “Pssst…your costume tic is showing” Award, male: Derek Hough, for dresses with shoulder straps made for falling down
Courtney: “Thou shalt wear straps that might haphazardly (and suggestively) fall down thy shoulders when dancing.” - Commandment #6 in The Ten Commandments of seducing Derek Hough.
Heidi: I guess we know what Derek finds sexy. Apparently the straps falling down the arms starts him in the right direction. Down…
The Trouper Blooper Award – Sharna Burgess, for accidentally kicking Tony Dovolani in the face during the Rascal Flatts pro dance; (dis)honorable mention – Kiki Nyemchek, for wiping out during the Seal pro dance
Courtney: I wish I could pin the blame on Oksana & Sasha (my favorite troupe scapegoats) this week, but the former was nowhere near Kiki when he wiped out, and I don’t think the latter was on this week at all. Well keerrr-ap Watching Sharna trying to do lifts with Tony just kinda brought back home the point for me that Julianne was quite possibly the best lifting partner Tony ever had on the show, with Chelsie a decent 2nd. Sharna seemed so clunky in those lifts, and the level of difficulty wasn’t nearly as high as what we’ve seen from Julianne & Chelsie. And WTF was she wearing???? A lace lingerie sleep set from Victoria’s Secret, with a satin bathrobe around it? No thank you…and Tony, I hope you’re recovering comfortably from your concussion. Kiki…he just ate it. I mean, it was like something out of the Three Stooges – his legs just went out from underneath him in some dramatic, comedic flourish. Psssh…amateurs
Heidi: It’s funny, I didn’t notice Tony getting kicked in the face, but I did notice how awkward their lifts were and flash back to Julianne. And yeah, Victoria’s Secret was in play here…as was a bit of soft core porn at the end of their dance. Sharna should give it a shot since she managed to get a look on her face at the end that made it look like there was a “happy ending” involved.
Best Imitation of a Vulcan at the Opening Night Ball of Star Trek Convention: Brooke Burke for the Dress/Hair Combo on the Results Show
Heidi: I swear, I kept staring at her and staring at her trying to figure out the look. Pretty sure it was someone standing next to her in a red shirt that made it click…STAR TREK! Throw in her rather…robotic behavior at times and she’s got Vulcan written all over her.
Courtney: Idk, with that hair I was thinking more along the lines of Jane Curtin in Coneheads But yeah, her dresses just keep getting weirder and weirder each season. If this is what she considers to be “living long and prospering” – she needs to fire her stylist.
Most Shockingly Sweet Moment of the Results Show: Karina, for saying to Gavin, “I love dancing with you”
Heidi: My goodness that almost made me tear up! That was so nice. It’s not that it’s unexpected from Karina, more like that she would say it to Gavin. I will say, he’s endearing himself to me.
Courtney: I’ll admit, Gavin is starting to grow on me a little – and I think a lot of it has to do with Karina bringing out the more vulernable side of him. And in turn, I think he is bringing out the more vulnerable side of her that we started to see with JR. It’s nice
“And the Gold Medal for Massive Screw Up Goes to…” Award: The Production Muppet that hit the wrong button While Brooke was introducing Jonathan and Anna’s dance, thereby causing Brooke’s audio to play in the studio.
Heidi: You know how, at the Olympics, they announce things in English and you often hear, in the background, it being broadcast in other languages to the audience?? Yeah, that’s what I flashed to. I thought for sure they were going start throwing flowers onto the ice…I mean ballroom floor. You know, shit happens. But on this show it happens several times in one night…and we’re three weeks into the season now, they should be warmed up, fer cryin’ out loud. But no…shortly after this screw up, they hit another wrong button for music when they are getting ready to tell which couples are safe…and then they have no music at all. I know…there’s a ferret running across the buttons in the control room, right??
Courtney: There’s no ferret. There’s a whole business of ferrets (and yes, that IS the proper name for a group of ferrets – a business), and they knocked over the production staff’s bottle of Jose Cuervo on their journey across the control panel. Aye carrumba! Y’know, for being one of the highest-rated shows on television, DWTS sure has its fair share of silly production blunders. And I’m not talking complex stuff, either – this is simple “cue up the music” or “pan to Brooke” type stuff. Psssh…more amateurs
The Award for Successfully Making 90 Percent of the Audience Squirm with Discomfort and Say “WHUT??” All at the Same time: Jaleel White, for an obscure Mickey Mouse reference followed closely by fake crying worthy of a Raspberry Award
Heidi: And of course the production muppets had to zoom in on his fake crying face. It’s not often I sit on my couch during DWTS and squirm while saying “stop, stop…make it stop.” It took me till the results show to figure out the Mickey Mouse reference…Jaleel thinks his characters are so iconic that he keeps them in a vault just like Disney does for Mickey Mouse. Arrogant Much??
Courtney: Maybe they were panning in to show us how fake it was Or they were just curious too – something like “Dude, pan in on Jaleel’s face!!! Is he really crying???” I think the most confused of all was Brooke – you could tell she was kind of on “Awwww” autopilot by that point on Monday night, with all of the crying the contestants were doing. But her face and her tone of voice said “WTF?” to me – like she was processing in her head “Ummm…is this sarcasm? Is he trying to trick me into something? Oh god, voices in the control booth, HELP ME!!!” The only thing Jaleel should be crying about is the fact that he’s shooting himself in the foot repeatedly with some of the sh*t he’s been saying, and will be lucky to stick around another week. Mark thinks you should cry him a river and swim in it, Jaleel! Errr, whoops – sorry. That was actually his gf he said that to. Moving right along…
The Award for the Best Use of William Levy in a Humorous and Not at All Distasteful Way: Derek Hough for successfully pouting his way into a hug and (accurate) compliment from Maria Menounos
Heidi: That Derek, funny and clever all at the same time. And the pout was rather cute.
Courtney: Psssh…he was fishing. You could totally tell by the sheepish look on his face, and the sh*t-eating grin as Maria gushes that William Levy “has nothing on you!” She may have fallen for Derek’s ploy, but at least she’s smart about one thing: that William is not all that and a bag of tortilla chips like everyone is claiming he is. Mmmm…chips…
Heidi: Beer goes good with chips.
The Award for the Best Use of William Levy in a Tacky and Distasteful Way: Cheryl Burke for ripping his shirt open in the confessional and numerous other sins
Heidi: Jaysus, give it a rest already, would ya?? Nuff said.
Courtney: Ok, Cheryl, I realize you haven’t had sex in quite awhile, and that you probably have cobwebs down yonder and have somewhat forgotten the finer points of flirting & procuring sex. But seriously – you’re kind of embarassing us with your blatant displays of desire to do the horizontal mambo with William. Go take a cold shower or something…you’ve got plenty of loofahs to keep you busy in there
Heidi: Really, loofahs?? Me thinks a hand-held shower massager would work better. Just guessin’.
A few lolz I found on my search through the show for screen caps…is it just me or does Brooke have a newfound…confidence??