Best Male Celebrity/Pro Trend of the Week: Heckling William Levy; honorable mention for Gene Simmons-inspired tongue displays, and carrying female contestants up & down the stairs

Courtney: Last week, Derek seemed to start the trend of taking friendly swipes at William and his hunkasaurus rex status on the show…this week, Donald jumped on the bandwagon, too. He issued a warning to La Levy that “another bare-chested, honkey-donkey man is gonna rock this paso!” For what it’s worth, I would much prefer Donald bare-chested than I would William – Donald is like a black Rambo, and with some WICKED tats.  I like tats I’m pretty sure someone else (maybe Jaleel? Idk) also made a comment kinda issuing a challenge to William, but for the life of me I cannot find it.  Also a popular activity for the guys this week? Giving us their best “rock tongue” every time the camera hit them.  Was it an attempt to just fit the theme, or an attempt to titillate the female audience? We may never know But they seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.  And then of course, we’ve got superheroes Derek & Gavin, who chivalrously carted an injured Maria up the temporary double set of stairs and an injured Melissa down the stairs, respectively.  It was like something out of a rock ‘n’ roll drugstore romance novel - except instead of Fabio, we had mohawked Derek and velvet-clad Gavin.  Mmmm…titillating.

Heidi: Heh…my sister who recently started watching DWTS found Derek carrying Maria up the stairs to be the highlight of the night.  She’s always been one to go for the bodice ripper deal.  She texted me several times about how he carried her all the way up the stairs and wasn’t even breathing hard.  As for the tongues….the absolute best was Harold Wheeler. With the face paint and all. Hilarious. CAI?? Trying a bit to hard…she ain’t 20 anymore and seriously, the guitar pick stuck to her forehead?? No.

Courtney: I dunno why, but I get disproportionately annoyed whenever Carrie Ann tries to act “hip” – whether it’s doing the rock tongue, or dancing in her seat, or using cutesy, trendy language – it just kinda makes me want to throw things at her head.

New Injury of the Week: Mark Ballas for Being the Latest Victim of The Mail Order Bride’s Hair

Heidi: Seriously, keep the dude dancing with Katherine away from the mail order bride. He took a face full of hair that was moving at about 90 miles an hour. Beyotch could put out an eye with that mane.

Courtney: But doesn’t hair whipping kinda fit the whole S&M theme Sharna was trying to convey with the KISS choreography?

The WTF/LOL Moment of the Night – Results Show: Gene Simmons Standing Sentinel over Melissa While She was Getting Oxygen in the Red Room

Heidi: Only on DWTS does someone get a concussion from hitting a man’s thigh at high speed and then have Gene Simmons stand over you in full Kiss regalia while you are given oxygen. All this while wearing a seriously sparkly dress and a ton of make up – Melissa, not Gene. Well, Gene too. That was one of those moments where you sit there in stunned facination while your mouth hangs open.

Courtney: Poor Melissa probably thought she died and went to rock ‘n’ roll heaven…and instead of seeing St. Peter, she saw Gene standing at the gates.  It’s both comical and surreal at the same time – like, what kind of assistance were they expecting him to provide, by standing around in the thick of the action? “Sir, are you a doctor?” “No, but I am the lead singer of a rock band – let me have a look at that concussion, I know a thing or two about head banging!” And the injury itself was a bit comical - getting a concussion from hitting your head on another person’s thigh??? Why, that’s about as absurd as getting your eye taken out by some wayward hair moving at high speed!

The WTF Moment of the Night – Performance Show: Stonehenge Lowering from the Ceiling Right before Derek and Maria Danced

Heidi: There was no discernible explanation for this. This might actually be the single most random thing that’s ever been on this show. With the possible exception of Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Courtney: I still don’t get it.  Are we sure it’s not pi? Mmmm….pi….

Best (Un)Intended Innuendo of the Week: Gladys Knight and Gene Simmons for their “How long is it? I’ve never seen one that long before” and “Oh yes you have” Exchange

Heidi: Gladys!! You dirty, dirty girl!! LOL. Me neither, Gladys. :::cough:::  Again, this is one of those “Only on DWTS” moments – Gladys Knight and Gene Simmons discussing his tongue.

Courtney: Gladys was TOTALLY feenin’ for Gene The way she was giggling and grinning all sheepishly – and I daresay he seemed to take a shine to her as well.  Gladys did promise us she was going to be “a real slut!” this week…perhaps she took advantage of the opportunity to knock platform boots with the lead singer of KISS Ok…nevermind.  I think I just grossed myself out.  But the interaction between those two was cute nonetheless

Heidi: For the love of god, you went there??  You grossed me out too!!

The Award for the Funniest Diss of the Results Show: Kiss Dissing Donald in the Hallway for only getting a 27

Heidi: Donald shouldn’t have corrected them, then he wouldn’t have gotten dissed and dismissed.  But the “It was the high score of the night!!” was pretty funny. After being so sure he should have gotten 10s it was like the last straw. Poor Donald.

Courtney: I think KISS was just loving running random interference on the show this week – they cropped up in several of the commercial bumpers, Gene was in the thick of the drama in the red room with Melissa, and they were heckling contestants backstage.  Kinda wish they had been heckling Jaleel instead of Donald, but you can’t always get what you want…(Rolling Stones…)

The Award for Best (??) Narcissism of Week 4: Len Goodman for his Mini-rant about being shouted at on the street right before someone was going to be “shockingly” eliminated; (Dis)Honorable Mention: Cheryl Burke and her Shoe

Heidi: Really Len?? Either Sherri or Roshon is about the get eliminated and all you’re worried about is getting shouted at on the street?? Not about you dude (and if you thought you were getting shouted at before, wait til you send someone home on Tuesday).  And Cheryl…really, after the dance, the confessional, all the post show media…how long exactly did it take you to get over the shoe thing??

Courtney: This is me playing the world’s tiniest electric guitar for your sorrows….pssssh.  If the shouting bothers you, Len, just turn down your hearing aid; and Cheryl, sorry, but you can’t really blame YOUR SHOE for all the times your partner fouled up, unless he was the one actually wearing it – in which case, this just became an entirely different show Would you like some cheese with that whine? We got PLENTY

Heidi: Hey! I ain’t givin’ her any of MY wine!

Biggest Sign that the End is Nigh & the Apocolypse is Upon Us: Maks & Karina hugging during the results show; honorable mention for Mark letting Henry wear the spats during their pro dance to KISS

Courtney: Give peace a chance…before we all kick the bucket on December 21st.  The moment the 5 season-long cold war between Maks & Karina thawed, it was like the sun came out, birds started chirping, and some hippie was singing “Kumbya” while eating a bowl of Kashi.  One can only image what happens next – North & South Korea reuniting, Crips & Bloods calling a cease fire, Rosie & The Donald sitting down for cake & ice cream? And in what I can only imagine to be an extrememly magnanimous & self-sacrificing gesture, Mark not only took on the danger of dancing with Oksana, but also graciously relinquished his monopoly on the spats in the costume department.  It was as if he & Henry had done some male bonding this past week, and this was Mark’s bromance gesture – “Here bro, you wear the spats this time!”

Heidi: I believe my words were…”The Spats Migrated!!”  It was an epic gesture of welcome to new troupe member Henry.  Maks and Karina?? Hugged TWICE.  And  really, if I hear about it one more time on either twitter or in our comments, I might open a vein.

Worst Rock-Related Tom Bergeron pun: “We’re gonna rock out with our lock step out!”

Heidi: Um…what? This is why I end up divorcing you.

Courtney: Just…ugh.  Tom, you’re better than these cheesy (and kinda icky) puns the story editors try to hand you.  Please tell us that someone else made you say this

WTF? Costuming Award of the week: The male troupe members during the troupe dance to KISS

Courtney: This was not rock ‘n’ roll AT ALL - this was like something out of a low-budget traveling circus, where the clowns had to double as acrobats. Kiki, Henry, & Sasha looked like they were ready to be shot out of a cannon or something. Tom hit the nail on the head when he mentioned mimes!

Heidi: Really, though, what was the deal with the whips that the girls had??  Does the Troupe have this idea that metal = S&M??  I mean, the spandex actually kinda worked for the era, but the whips??  I kinda wonder where their heads are a lot of the time, with the hairography, whips, chairs…I mean, sure, sex sells, but I don’t think Disney would be down with the S&M vibe. Some of the audience, maybe.

Courtney: Those whips looked more like jump ropes to me.  S&M FAIL, kids.

Best Attempt at Protecting Future Generations of Chmerkovskiys: Maks telling Melissa “Please don’t step on my jewels!”

Courtney: Maks proves he’s just like any other guy when it comes to his gear – if you come within a 3 foot radius of it and it doesn’t look to them like you’re going to do anything fun with it, then they’re afraid for their lives…or rather, their future childrens’ lives.  Dude, she was nowhere NEAR your jewels…and I daresay we should be the judge of that particular term Could be jewels…could be junk.  And just be thankful that she hit her head on your THIGH…

Heidi: LOL…he would have gone down but not gotten up if it hadn’t been his thigh.  :-)  Just how fast CAN Tom throw to commercial?  Anyway, I don’t think they care about future children’s lives as much as they care about being able to use it at any point in the near future.  And I mean at ANY point. One has to be ready, not smushed.

Few left over LOLz…