DWTS Season 14, Weeks 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Ta DA!! We’re in catch up mode. :-)

First - WEEK 5

The “Can’t Carry a Tune in a Bucket” Award: Len and Bruno, for their rendition of either “Maria” or “How Do you Solve a Problem Like Maria”…we can’t be sure. :-)

Heidi: So, the first time I saw it, I thought they were doing a little West Side Story…the second time I saw it, I’m honestly not sure. Don’t quit your day job, boys…if I can’t tell what you’re going for, you can’t sing. :-)  If I had to bet, I would call Len Sound of Music and Bruno West Side Story. :-)

Courtney: Screw musicals…I think we’re giving them too much credit there.  I think they both were just making it up as they went along and just hoping that that the audience was even less educated than they were and would just assume that they were singing a legitimate song…and the fact that they were both doing it might somehow lend creedence to their made-up tune.  Whatever it was…it was dumb.

Brooke Burke Flub O’the Night: “We’ve combined your jokes with the judges scores…”

Heidi: Have you heard the one about the judge who walked into the bar?? He tried to give the barmaid a “10” and….well, I can’t think of a good joke. But does one really need one when Brooke is around? :-) In all fairness, she’s been better this season than previously, but her occasional tongue tripping can be entertaining.

Courtney: My aunt used to have this parrot named Joey that would repeat literally ANY word it heard – but it would do it at random times, and sometimes form sentences that weren’t quite coherent, contextually.  I’m beginning to think that Brooke is the reincarnation of Joey, the way she will occasionally swap out the word she intends to use with one she has just heard or thought about :-) If so, I fully expect her to start making the skud missile sound effect and start calling people SOB’s by season’s end…can’t wait ;-)

The Award for Best Reaction to being Called Safe: Melissa Gilbert – Half-Pint CUSSED!!!! :-)

Heidi: Hehehehe…loved it. Sweet, quiet Melissa gets bleeped on live television. You go girl. You really CAN take the Prairie out of the girl. ;-)

Courtney: And it was a LOOOONG cuss – like a full 5 seconds of the sound being completely bleeped out.  I can only imagine what is was she said…whatever it was, I’m sure I’d be proud ;-)

The Award for the Most Egregious Use of Reality Show Cliche: Brooke Burke for “I hope I don’t see any of you there.” (ie. The Bottom Two, when talking to William, Roshon and Gavin)

Heidi: This may be a pet peeve of mine, but someone says this at least once in every reality show and it’s bordering on moronic. Yeah, I get that she’s being nice. But SOMEONE has to go home. And if you hope you don’t see any of them in the bottom two, then who do you hope you DO see there?? Because SOMEONE goes home every. single. week. Come on, Brookie. What makes it particularly egregious is that she’s talking to two people who have been in the bottom two. Better to say nothing Brooke, because logically, wishing safety for Roshon and Gavin means wishing elimination on two other people – most likely Melissa and Gladys or Jaleel. Seriously hate it when the judges on American Idol say it when they are down to 5 or 6 singers.  “Dawg, America got it wrong!!”  Oh spare me. You’re down to five singers and you’re pretty clearly telling two people not in danger that they should be. Spare me. Why can’t one of them just say, one time: “Well, I don’t like it but that’s how the show works.”

Courtney: Y’know, there are several reality competition show cliches that just irk the sh*t out of me, and it’s usually because they are just insincere niceties meant to soften the blow or give the false impression of suspense, and they often contradict the central premise of the show – and as Heidi pointed out above, this is one of them.  Someone has to go home – that’s a reality of shows like Idol & DWTS that’s inescapable.  And while Brooke’s feeble “Hope I don’t see any of you there!” may have been her way of assuaging the anxieties of some of the contestants (and also filling up time and distracting from the fact that’s she’s still kind of a pre-programmed robot), it was just kinda…dumb.  Equally as dumb? Bruno’s claim after the dance duel that it was “going to be a difficult decision” choosing who to save.  Puh-lease – don’t try and play that hackneyed phrase again.  Funny thing is, when the judges say that it’s going to be a “difficult decision”, it usually means the opposite – that there’s a clear winner and a clear loser, and the phrase is little more than a way to soften the blow to the loser and create a bit of suspense for the less savvy viewer.  C’mon now – Gavin basically admitted humorously that he wasn’t really prepared for the duel and that Jaleel was clearly the superior dancer…BEFORE THE DUEL EVEN STARTED.  And there weren’t any revelations during the duel – Jaleel clearly had a good grasp of cha-cha, while Gavin muddled through.  I love Gavin, but there really wasn’t any question about who won that duel…so I almost feel insulted by the notion that it was “so close”.  Then again, this show seems to insult my intelligence on a fairly regular basis these days…

The Award for the Best “Oh yeah? F*#K YOU!!” Week 5: Derek Hough, for kissing Carrie Ann so hard he chipped a tooth

Heidi: Ya know, some complain about being criticized for a move in a dance, and some smile, wink, and get even in a pretty funny way. :-) This isn’t the first time Derek has capitalized on criticism to turn a supposed fail into a WIN…and I doubt very much it will be the last. I would suggest that Carrie Ann never criticize Derek’s boxing workout technique. :-D

Courtney: Ok, maybe it’s just me that’s weirded out by this, but WTF is up with Carrie Ann’s laugh after she has a “moment” with one of the male pros or celebrities???!! It’s this weird, high-pitched, hyena-like cackle…like she’s about to pounce and go right for someone’s jugular.  Either that, or she’s channeling Kim Cattrall in Porky’s.  Whatever it is, it makes me fear for the life of any man that gets her to make that noise…and she was doing it incessantly after the revenge kiss from Derek.  I hope it’s not some sort of mating call…*shudder*

Heidi: Keep the jewels away from those teeth, Derek. Please. :-)

The Award for Worst Imitation of a Mafia King Pin: Tristan MacManus for “…or we’ll break both yer legs.”

Heidi: Sorry, cutie, you will never make it as a hard ass. :-) But that little word play between you and Gladys was pretty cute.

Courtney: Yeah, I bet Tristan’s nickname in the ol’ neighborhood back home is Slice O’Malley, and if you mess with him, you’re gonna get paddy whacked with his gold-plated shillelagh.  NOT :-P Seriously dude, if you wanna brush up on your Irish gangster skills, I recommend furthing your education by watching The Departed, Boondock Saints, & season 3 of Sons of Anarchy.  And then maybe invest in some wifebeaters, a newsboy cap, and some cigars, and get some more tats – Celtic knots, Gaelic phrases, and family crests chock full o’ shamrocks seem to be acceptable ink for career criminals of the Irish persuasion these days.  And then you need to bust out with the whole “you’re gonna be swimmin’ with the wee lil Irish feeshes, if you mess with me!” act on the air, so we have weekly fodder for the cheese.  Sláinte, my friend :-)

The Award for Best Cheesy Coolness in A Dance: The Production Muppets/Karina Smirnoff for the “canoe on the ocean” affect at the beginning of their dance

Heidi: Okay so it was either cheesy or cool or cheesy cool, depending on your perspective, and it was also a way to choreographically waste time in a dance…but I have to say, my response wasn’t  “Oh come on, yer killing time”, it was “Oooooo that’s kinda cool that they can do that.” :-)   It was a very neat trick.

Courtney: I think I just enjoyed Gavin’s explanation more – something about being lost at sea in a canoe, then washing a shore on a deserted island and getting the urge to dance with one of the comely natives.  I seriously doubt that was a direct quote, as I don’t have the performance show on my DVR to reference…one of the drawbacks of being a procrastinator: AT&T punishes you by deleting your stuff.  :-( But yeah, the canoe in the water effect was suprisingly realistic & kinda cool.  Too bad more of their lighting set-ups aren’t as awe-inspiring.

The Award for Best Display of FALSE Modesty: Jaleel White, in the confessional

Heidi: Pretty much everything about Jaleel is false and he’s pretty darn good at it…and if you’re thinking that’s not really a compliment, you’re right. :-) “Really, Kym, don’t make me take off my shirt…that’s oh so embarrassing…well, all right…wait let me shake my ass at the camera too…” :::rolls eyes::: You know, I wouldn’t have thought anything of this little display from anyone else, but have you ever looked at Jaleel’s face while he’s dancing?? He strikes me as VERY arrogant. Good move by Kym though…by making it all about Jaleel he’ll get so caught up that he’ll keep his hands off her ass.

Courtney: “Oh please, don’t make me remove my shirt, I’m simply couldn’t it’s too flashy and POW!!! Check out these abs, kids! You could wash clothes on these!” Yeah, I’m not buying the false modest act, either.  Notice how he was supposedly “sooo embarassed”, yet was standing up, with his abs & ass strategically positioned right in the focus of the camera? Yeah…not so subtle.  And the whole “And I am telling you…” croon? Gee, you think he might be trying to convince us that he’s not only an actor & a dancer, but a singer as well? Dude sure seems to be trying to sell himself as a triple threat.  He’s a triple threat to my patience, I’ll tell ya that much…

The Sore Thumb Award: Train, for being a musical guest on Latin week

Courtney: We’ve got Carlos Santana! Sheila E! Selena Gomez! Aaaannnd…Train.  You almost had a consistent lineup there, ABC.  Poor Train even looked a bit confused as to why they were there…one of them even tried (unsuccessfully) to do a little salsa, a la Victor Cruz.  Oh well.

Heidi: What label are they on?? One owned by the mega media conglomerate that constitutes ABC/Disney?? One has to ask…because this was a rather GLARING oddity in terms of “Latin Night”.  Frankly, I forgot they were on the show…and not just cuz it was a little while ago. :-)