DWTS 14 Week 8 Power Rankings

A few things became abundantly clear to me in the midst of tonight’s show: the judges’ heads have been up William & Cheryl’s asses so long that their oxygen supply has been cut off (and brain damage has occured), Carrie Ann switches motives faster than most people blink, Maria & Derek should probably just knock boots and get it over with, Roshon is this season’s forgotten man, and Katherine’s dancing is about as exciting as eating dry white toast.  Let’s just get straight into it…

1.) William & Cheryl – The pimping of these two has just gotten so out of control that I don’t even know what to say anymore – it’s inane, ridiculous, and it’s putting me off this show entirely.  You guys wonder why I’m so far behind on the cheese? Because this season has left such a bad taste in my mouth, and 70% of it is because of these two and the lavish, undeserved praise they get.  But since me complaining about that does little to deter them, I guess I’ll focus on the dancing, which overall was not as stellar as the judges would have you believe.  That foxtrot? Ok, it wasn’t bad, but I’m still not seeing a whole lot of showmanship from William – the man looks like he’s constipated out there.  And Cheryl’s still doing a whole lot of dancing around him, rubbing herself on him, and generally doing some attention-whoring of Ballasesque proportions.  Go ahead and whine about how I “shouldn’t judge the celeb based on the choreo”, but when all he’s doing is standing there and occasionally gesturing, what the hell am I supposed to think? Am I supposed to just ASSUME he’s a great dancer, even though I don’t get to see it underneath all of his partner’s showboating? The dancing isn’t about William at all – it’s about Cheryl dancing around him.  And that was the story of their paso doble trio as well – it was the Cheryl Burke show, with special guest appearances by Tony Dovolani & William Levy.  There was a lot of walking from place to place, and William noticeably got off-time…although it was only mentioned in passing by one of the judges, while they absolutely HOSED Roshon for the same thing.  I give up.  There’s clearly an agenda in place that necessitates William sticking around as long as possible, and I don’t like it.  With any luck, this whole mess will completely blow up in the faces of TPTB…but my luck hasn’t been so great lately, so I’m not holding my breath.  These two will be safe tomorrow night…

2.) Donald & Peta – Thank GAWD for Donald! The man is the personification of what I want in a celeb on this show: he’s having fun, he’s working hard, and he’s giving us some legitimately GREAT performances.  Aside from Roshon’s foxtrot, this tango was the closest thing to perfection for me in the ballroom round tonight – Donald had the attack, and the way he was snapping his head and his feet was divine! I will say that he still seems to get a bit off-balance here and there, and it seems to happen when he gets a little too excited – hopefully he’ll gain a bit more control over some of his more dynamic movements.  I also have to tip my tiny top hat (which I’m still wearing from the team dances last week ;-)) to Peta, for coming up with some choreo that both pleases Len and is also pleasing to the eye – not an easy balance! And that trio dance? Wooooooooooooowwwww.  Just….WOW.  I think the trio idea overall kinda failed, but this was the one gem of the evening – I don’t think I could have asked for a better group than Donald, Peta, and Karina.  Both ladies rock at jive, and Donald impressed the hell out of me with the way he partnered TWO ladies.  You guys notice that neither of the other guys did that in their trio, right? Probably because it’s f*cking hard – something that doesn’t come naturally to a novice male ballroom dancer.  So he gets a ton of respect from me for handling two very vivacious ladies, and also for just delivering a totally FUN performance…props to all three of them for that.   I can only hope that Donald is growing on other people like he’s grown on me, because at this point, he’s the only one I see as a lock for the finale…

3.) Katherine & Mark – Y’know, I like Katherine a lot as a person – she’s gorgeous, calm, gracious, and talented.  But after tonight, I think she’s the dance equivalent of white rice: she’s universally likeable, but not particularly impactful or flavorful, and while she fulfills a purpose on the show and you want her around, she’s not necessarily the first thing that pops into your mind as exciting.  She’s the side of white rice that comes with your Kung Pao William and Sweet & Sour Donald.  Her Viennese waltz was a non-event – nothing was technically wrong with it, and I think the choreo was lovely and would have suited someone like Donald or Maria quite well; but there was just no panache to how she delivered it.  And that dress she was wearing??? Jeezass, Mark, she’s 20-something, not 70-something! It was like mint chocolate chip ice cream, circa 1912…and without the chocolate chips (which we all know are the best part).  I also hated that awkward, last-minute smoocheroo at the end…I hate kissing in dances, and I really hate kissing when it seems desperate and forced.  I actually think the judges were about on-the-money with their scoring of her VW…there was just nothing super special about it.  As for her trio…errrr.  Once again, nothing technically wrong with it, and I do give her props for dancing around a wardrobe malfunction without losing her cool…but I think Florence Henderson could have danced that routine with more impact that Kath did.  Everything just seemed like a leisurely stroll – hell, I even had a hard time buying the sass behind the shimmies.  So you can imagine my surprise when it bested Donald’s jive extravaganza by a point.  8O *blink blink* Clearly, there is an agenda here as well…dunno what, but Kath must’ve needed those extra points to avoid falling into the bottom 2.  Once again, I give up – so I’ll just say I think she’s safe for tomorrow night and move on…

4/5.) TIE: Maria & Derek and Melissa & Maks – Let me get straight to it: I think one of them will unfortunately be a victim of tomorrow night’s double elim.  The thing is, I don’t know which one – and it’s pretty much going to come down to whose fans are more inclined to vote, vote vote.  I enjoyed Maria & Derek’s Viennese waltz, more for the fact that there seemed to be A LOT of chemistry between them tonight than the actually choreography, which I found to be a bit ho-hum.  But man, they CONNECTED to both the dance & each other.  *raised eyebrows* Anywho! Melissa & Maks’ foxtrot was surprisingly well-executed…when she wasn’t losing her footwork and stuttering a bit.  She was definitely more relaxed tonight than I’ve ever seen her so far, and I think that made her dancing improve noticeably.  As for their trios – *shrug*.  Neither one really spoke to me, but then again, Donald’s was the only one tonight that really spoke to me at all.  I give Derek props for pushing the envelope with their Bollywood samba, even though I absolutely DETEST Bollywood-style movies and dancing because I find them to usually be obnoxiously cheesy :-P I think it may have been a good idea ON PAPER, but it kinda fell apart out on the floor…too hard transitioning between the samba rhythm and the Bollywood choreo.  And WTF was that song??? I guess I can’t blame them for going the Bollywood route, because that song was just wacky.  As for Melissa, Original Recipe Chmerkovskiy, & Chmerkovskiy Lite, I think they went the right route with keeping the choreo simple and going for a lot of basic samba steps…however, it seemed to be an awful lot of walking around and posing, but I did like that they seemed to really place the focus on Melissa.  But anywho – I’ll be interested to see who lives to dance another week and who gets sent packing after tomorrow nite’s elim.  Could be Melissa, could be Maria – or I could be totally off and it could be Kath.  But I’m sad to report that I think one person is pretty much guaranteed to be there…

6.) Roshon & Chelsie – *sigh* Somehow I think these two could have gotten a perfect 60 tonight and would still be headed home – threepeat appearances in the bottom 2 this season pretty much says “America doesn’t like you”, and even though I kinda hated that damn dance duel…I wish we had it back this week, because I think that would be the only way Roshon might have a prayer of surviving tonight.  Sure, he’s only one point off from the high score, but when the spread is as puny as it is tonight, he may as well be tied for the lowest score.  But at least they can play the “you went out on top!” storyline when he gets sent home tomorrow night, because I do think he gave a valiant effort in both of his dances this week.  I absolutely LOVED his foxtrot – it was clean, it was fun, it was well-executed, and it really showcased Roshon well.  Plus I think Chelsie is quickly becoming one of the strongest foxtrot choreographers on the show, as many of her standout performances have been foxtrots.  I think what I love best about Roshon is how he does turns – he did one in his foxtrot that just had my jaw hitting the floor at how COOL it looked.  I wish I could say I loved their paso trio as much as their foxtrot – but unfortunately, Sasha (aka Buddy the Elf) seemed to steal the show a bit, and as a result I don’t think Roshon looked as powerful as he could have.  But it irritated the sh*t out of me that the judges just seemed to dwell on the one misstep he had, rather than commending the rest of the dance – and yet, they only briefly glazed over a similar error that William made.  And once again, I give up – the poor kid just can’t seem to catch a break.  So I guess tomorrow night will be au revoir, Roshon – it’s been a great ride, but you’re unfortunately the sacrificial lamb of this season, I’m afraid.  I gonna miss hims :-(

So I guess I lock my predictions in as Roshon definitely going home, and the other person being Melissa or Maria…with Katherine as the longshot.  And I just realized I talked a lot about food in my rankings tonight, so I best be getting some food in my stomach…let’s hear what you guys think ;-)