We’re back, after a couple week absence…and some of you will not be happy to see us. Them’s are breaks…the weeks we missed we’ll pick up as a bit of retrospective cheese once the season is over.
The Award for Biggest Lack of Commitment to Week 9 – The Costuming Department who really screwed Cheryl out of some fringe on her Samba Costume
Heidi: You might ask yourself, “Are ‘biggest’ and ‘lack’ really the two best words to put together?” but really that was what was going through my mind looking at her costume. Yo, dudes, either add the fringe or don’t – you kinda half assed it here, IMO. Yep, we’re picking nits.
Courtney: Everything about the show this week was so…blah. Most of the routines were ho-hum, nobody really said anything interesting, and even the costumes seemed like they were half-assed. It was as if the costume folks bailed and headed to the bar after only putting half the fringe on her costume. “Yeah, that’ll do. C’mon, we can make it for happy hour if we leave now!” Can’t blame them…even I’m bored with the show at this point.
Heidi: Perhaps you and I should win this award. It was pretty damn boring in retrospect.
The “Most Telling Obsession” Award: Mark Ballas and his fondness for fences
Heidi: Really, dude. You’ve put Katherine in two cages and Bristol in one…is this a comment on how your attitude toward women in general or these two women in particular? Or is it just a sexual kink all the way around? Considering your girlfriend, I’m going with BOTH.
Courtney: I’m sure Freud would have a heydey trying to make something of Mark’s fixation with cages. Who knows what his true motives are – maybe he wants people to think he’s tough, maybe it makes him feel like he’s in control, maybe he just really wants us to know that he’s very, very into MMA. I’m just kinda bored with it, to be quite honest. You know it’s bad when I was actually slightly amused when he put Katherine in a snake basket for their salsa…nice change of pace
Heidi: A cage is a cage even when it’s a basket.
The Biggest, Hugest, Most Fantastical, AMAZING and BEST Thing I’ve Ever Seen Award: Carrie Ann Inaba for her ridiculous hyperbole in saying to Kath Jenkins “That might have been the best dance I’ve ever seen on DWTS.”
Heidi: Really, Carrie Ann, REALLY? Best you’ve ever seen on DWTS? I can think of at least five better dances without even going to YouTube or Wiki to jog my ever failing memory!! I was going to say it was the hugest hyperbolic sentence ever uttered on DWTS but I thought that might be…hyperbole. Or redundant. Or Carrie Ann Inaba.
Courtney: Carrie Ann’s a twit with a flare for hyperbole that is beginning to rival Bruno’s. I’m beginning to think that all of this hyperbole about how great so-and-so is or how great this season is is really nothing more than a feeble attempt to sell it to a viewing public that ain’t buying it. Just because you SAY it’s the best dance you’ve ever seen, doesn’t make it true. It was a decent quickstep - but certainly not the best in the history of the show. At this rate, I’m fully expecting Carrie Ann to faint out of sheer joy at some point next week…
The “Back injury? What Back injury?” Award: Katherine Jenkins for Her Extreme Over THE TOP Celebration for making it through to the Finale the Night After a “Horrifying” Injury to Her Back
Heidi: Boy, I am REALLY sarcastic today! I pick on Katherine here, and not Maria, mainly because several people were commenting on Maria’s activities with her “so called” injuries – hellllooooo….I didn’t see you same folks commenting on Katherine’s disappearing back injury when SHE does it. So, this award is mainly for some of our readers and not really Katherine. I have to admit though…that celebration was, like, WAY over the top in ridiculousness and not remotely funny like Maria’s nearly shredding the Sky Box was. I was seeing shades of Brandy, if you know what I mean and I know Courtney does – a leetle too desperate to win, if you ask me. And desperation is always a bit unseemly.
Courtney: I am beginning to see shades of Brandy in Katherine – and it’s usually when she’s moved to tears after some praise the judges have given her. Ok, I can understand being moved to tears by a comment maybe once or twice a season…but this is becoming a weekly thing. Is she really THAT deeply moved when Carrie Ann disingenously gushes about how it was “the best dance she’s ever seen on the show”? If she is, ok. But I guess I would hope that she is smart enough to realize that the judges have a strong tendency to blow smoke up pretty much everyone’s ass at some point. As for the footage of the back injury – I’ve watched it several times and still don’t really understand what happened. Not saying she’s lying about her injury, but I do think she may have overreacted a bit…especially since she seemed a-ok when she heard she was going to the finale. Y’know, I really wish Kath could apply the roller coaster of emotions she seems to have during her judges’ critiques to her actual dancing – then I might not find her so bland.
Heidi: She always does this thing where she drops her face into her hands, be it in happiness or sadness or pain…but it’s a bit weird. And I agree, if she could channel that level of emotion into her dances, she would be a much more exciting dancer…but this is where her apparent over-investment in doing well and going all the way comes into play. She wants it so badly that she’s concentrating very hard and that sucks the emotion out of her dances and INTO her feelings upon hearing the judges comments or hearing that she’s safe.
Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “I’m no doctor, but her back looks fine now.”
Heidi: And leave it to the Berg to get right to the heart of the matter with one quirked eye brow. This is why he’s my future former husband. He often says what I’m thinking.
Courtney: Tom is like the one variable on the show that TPTB can’t really control – he’s way too cunning for them to anticipate his moves, and he is the master of saying out loud (in a clever, non-offensive way), what the rest of us are thinking.
The Award for the Greatest Over Achiever: Whichever Muppet turned the fan on high so that it blew Chelsie’s DAD Dress nearly to pieces
Heidi: Yo, surely there is a “medium” setting on that thing, right? Or was your goal accidental nudity? Lucky for you, the costuming department spent ALL their time on Chelsie’s dress and none on Cheryl’s. Next time remember…a little wind goes a long way.
Courtney: Guess it got stuck on the “high” setting after JR & Karina’s freestyle last season – note to Muppets: no matter how high the fan is turned on, it will not make a bald man’s hair billow in the wind like a Pantene commercial. *shrug* Maybe they were trying to go the Marilyn Monroe route with Chelsie? Idk…
The Award for Dancer Most Savvy about the Inner Workings DWTS: Derek Hough
Heidi: Seriously, most of these kids seem lost in the show and forget that it’s a show and start to believe it’s really a dance competition. Not Derek – that guy always seems to know what’s going down, from predicting the scores that he’s (and others) going to get, to reading the tea leaves and knowing that, even with the highest score, they are the ones going home. Not only that, but he’s smart enough to prep his partner so that she never (none of them) gives a reaction to something that she may end up regretting later. That’s called protecting and caring for your partner the WHOLE time. Sure, I knew (and likely Courtney knew) that as soon as Katherine was called safe Maria was going home – but it’s tougher if you’re actually the one involved in the show. He mouthed jeopardy while they were standing up there and Maria echoed it, and I figured he knew from the edits of the packages that they were the ones going, but he said he knew it when he woke up that morning. Smart boy.
Courtney: I do have to credit Derek with doing a good job of mentally preparing his partners for elimination – I don’t think any of them have had an unclasy exit, and I don’t think any of them were particularly caught off-guard. Seems to make for a more graceful exit when you kinda see it coming…not so verklempt and choked up on tears.
Best Lipsyncing by a Musical Guest: The Cast of Rock of Ages
Heidi: What? You didn’t really think they were singing did you? Seriously – I sure hope the movie is better because I was rather unimpressed by that little number. And really, Mia Michaels? Any of the pros on the show could have choreographed better hair flips than that…
Courtney: Thank god I was not the only one that kind of HATED that half-assed plug for ROA. Can I just say that Julianne’s singing voice makes me want to punch babies? Yes, she’s a gorgeous girl, a great dancer, and a decent actress. But that voice is just not very mature or remarkable – it would have been perfect for the Mickey Mouse Club circa 1992, where the inoffensive sing-songiness of it would have been right at home. But trying to belt out a gritty-voiced Joan Jett song? Ack! Even with the lip-syncing and auto-tuning going on, it was still painful to behold. Diego Boneta? Who cares. The only one I do give props to is Miss Mary J – I’m fully counting on her to keep that movie afloat with Tom Cruise (who I hear is actually quite good as Stacee Jaxx), since the the two leads are about as believable as Katherine’s back injury. The choreo was pretty dumb, and I bet the movie is probably not much better, but look at it this way: I’m pretty sure there’s no “best choreography” category at the Golden Globes or Oscars for Mia to win.
Heidi: Ugh, don’t get me started. But Disney does Joan Jett?? NAILED it.
The “Sometimes a Bitch in Heat is Just a Bitch” Award: Cheryl Burke
Heidi: Congratulations, Cheryl, you’ve moved from your extremely annoying “in heat” phase to the “I’ve been rejected so I’ll be a bitch now” phase. Did you think you were *complimenting* Derek and Donald in that VT?? Cuz, you weren’t. I think I liked you better when you were obsessed with getting William Levy’s clothes off (maybe you should team up with your litter-mate, Carrie Ann??)…okay, maybe that’s extreme. I liked you SO much better when you were actually working with Rob Kardashian…okay, wait. I seem to recall that you were pretty much checked out with Rob until you realized that maybe he had a shot to get to the mirror ball trophy. So…this has been a downhill slide that I didn’t really recognize until right NOW.
Courtney: Did anyone else hear a cat hissing during that blurb where the pros talk about the other couples? I promise it wasn’t my Cash – he checked out on this season after Roshon left, and refuses to even watch it now…and I don’t think Heidi’s cats really give a shit. Cheryl successfully erased any residual benefit of the doubt I may have been willing to give her after chose to take the low road with both Donald & Derek. First, the most outwardly catty comment: something to the tune of “Derek doesn’t care if Maria’s injured or not. He’s going to push her anyway. If she can get a perfect 30 when she’s injured, she can do it again now.” On the surface, it may seem innocuous – but upon further investigation, it actually seems pretty shitty: she’s basically either implying that Derek is insensitive and hellbent on winning, or Maria is somehow faking her injury, or both. That was really the best thing she could come up with when talking about Maria & Derek’s strengths??? If so, then she really has become as self-absorbed and petulant as the Kardashians. There are other ways to word that phrase that don’t sound so…bitter. As for her swipe at Donald – it seemed like she was implying that athletes always do well, and that was the only reason why Donald was still there. It must actually physically HURT Cheryl to acknowledge that anyone else other that La Levy is a hard worker or deserves to be in the finale with him. Oh well…C U next Tuesday, Cheryl…
Heidi: Particularly catty seeing how many athletes she’s had. And my female cat has a tendency to sit on the coffee table and stare at DWTS when it’s on. But she does have a look of disdain on her face the whole time.
The “Revenge is a Dish Best Served Subtly” Award: Maria Menounous, for finding a creative way to spit on Cheryl; honorable mention to Mark Ballas, for taking a very subtle (and very apt) swipe at Cheryl when the pros were talking about the other couples
Courtney: Any bitch can come out guns blazing and take an obvious verbal swipe at someone else. But it takes a real master in the art of war to craftily retaliate, without their enemy even realizing they’ve been pwned. Case in point? Maria tries to strike up a friendly conversation with Cheryl backstage, which Cheryl apparently had no interest in engaging in, offering up one-word, half-hearted responses to all of Maria’s excited questions. So what does Maria do? Offer assistance with Cheryl’s hair, proceeds to spit on her hand and smooth down some imaginary fly-aways. GENIUS It was poetic justice, I must say. As for Mark – I almost didn’t catch it, but I’m pretty sure he was making a subtle reference to Cheryl dancing around William when he remarked that Donald “looks like he’s leading his woman around the floor and not the other way around, which is a big asset at this point!” Hmmm…notice he didn’t say the same thing about William. Just sayin’…
Heidi: That thing with Cheryl and Maria was the most awkward thing I’ve seen in quite some time. Gee, Cheryl, you’re such a warm and engaging person. Could you at least TRY to feign interest in your job?? The Mark thing I DID catch, mainly because Derek and Peta only said nice or innocuous things about the other contestants but Mark did have something to say negative about William AND that compliment to Donald was rather pointed. I have to wonder what all is said behind the scenes between the pros. Derek is Mr. Non-Confrontational and seems to let things just roll off him, Peta is new so she’ll be more careful…but Mark?? Hmmm…I wonder. I wonder just how snarky and catty Cheryl is behind the scenes and if maybe Mark is reacting to that. Oh to be a fly on the wall…
The Anti-Sex Symbol, Sex Symbol Award: Tristan MacManus
Courtney: This guy just cracks me up, with how he’s obviously uncomfortable with being Mr. Sexbomb on the show – no shirt removal or excessive gyrations for this guy! You could tell he wasn’t quite sure what to do during the DaD w/Chelsie…she was flipping her hair all over the place and shaking it like her life depended on it…and Tristan was…filling in the blanks, I guess Gotta say that I kind of LOVE that Tristan is kind of the opposite of what some might expect…he’s made a niche for himself as the pro that’s not constantly shoving his raw, masculine sexuality at you. He’s self-deprecating, goofy, and good-natured…and it’s a good look for him
Heidi: Heh…I want to get a picture of him sometimes and put a thought bubble over his head that says “whut the fook am eye doin’ here, eh?” The dude has the personality of a more laid back Derek, without the intensity. I think I read that he let Chelsie choreograph that dance?? Probably a good thing, since I agree – the overtly sexy (ie Samba) really doesn’t seem to be his default characteristic. Good thing too…because I don’t see the “sex bomb” at all. Nor do I care for the “sex bombs” who are on the show. I think he’s cute and extremely charming…but sexy?? Nah. It will be interesting if he starts to get a more age appropriate, talented partners – I’ll be curious to see how that turns out. Will he trend more sexy in the choreography department? Right now the jury is a bit out.
Award for the Most Snooze-Worthy Episode of DWTS This Season: The semi-final performance show
Courtney: I don’t think I’ve ever had such a hard time re-watching an episode for cheese material as I did this past week’s performance show. Seriously – I gave up looking for cheese about 1/3 through and switched over to the results show. Just nothing super exciting – no big controversies (other than the overscoring that has been going on all season), nothing really funny, nothing really bad, nothing really good. Just…zzzzz. Hell, even William’s son was bored of it – he fell asleep, even with a wild audience erupting into applause around him! And Brooke was getting flustered herself, just trying to elicit a response out of some of the contestants. All I can hope for is that the finale is the exact opposite…because I think I’d rather watch the weather channel than another episode that bland!
Heidi: At least all the eliminated couples will be back – maybe they can spice up the results show. I couldn’t actually bring myself to watch it again and the ONLY thing that I can remember from it is thinking Maria should play for the NFL after she went all endzone on the Sky Box. And Brooke….leetle self centered with her griping at William and Donald stressing her out. How dare they not cooperate with her. Sheesh.