DWTS Season 15, Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!!!!

Well kids, we’re back & snarky/juvenile/perverse/etc!  :-P And for those of you not accustomed to our particular brand of humor – consider yourself warned.  We swear, we get innuendo-y, we make fart jokes, and we call people out for being stupid on the show.  If you are hypersensitive/lack a sense of humor/are a prude/whatever, you probably should just skip this post altogether…and you sure as hell better not comment on it.  Because any Debbie Downers/Bobby Buzzkills lurking in the comments section will be deleted without a 2nd thought.  Consider this the party post – party poopers need not apply, because we have plenty of fellow freaks who love to party along with our special brand of humor.  Party on, Wayne ;-)

The “C U Next Tuesday” Award: Carrie Ann Inaba, for repeatedly calling out Tom for cutting her off

Courtney: We learned pretty quickly on Monday whether we’d get cool Carrie Ann or bitter, angry Carrie Ann this season – and I think she made it pretty clear it’s definitely the latter.  Look, CAI, I get it: your fairytale engagement didn’t result in a fairytale wedding, and you’re probably not too happy about that.  But did you really have to repeatedly heckle EMMY AWARD-WINNING HOST Tom Bergeron for cutting your commentary on Joey & Kym’s cha-cha off early? It was pretty obvious the show was moving at breakneck speed in order to fit everyone in, and I daresay that, being the EMMY AWARD -WINNING HOST of a LIVE reality tv show, Tom Bergeron knows a thing or two about effectively fitting into a time frame while still being entertaining – plus he probably had the Muppets upstairs screaming in his earpiece to move things along.  I highly doubt whatever long-winded critique you were going to offer up was all that insightful, CAI – it seldom is.  Yet your excessive self-importance forced you to interrupt things not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES to remind everyone that Tom cut you off – who’s the asshat now?

Heidi: My brother texted me during the show to call CAI names….then commented that her tampon is in sideways. :-)  Yes, that is my family…we tend toward gross at times. But also very apropos.  But seriously, don’t heckle The Berg, biotch. It’s not all about you. Hard to believe, I know.

Courtney: Looks like someone had a bad case of Emmy Envy.  :-P

The “Deeerrrrp” Award: Chelsie Hightower, for getting confused over the native languages of Brazil & South America; (dis)honorable mention – Val Chmerkovskiy, for not really knowing what Kelly did for a living

Courtney: “Wait…they speak Spanish in South America???” I’d like to think this was taken out of context, but from the puzzled look on Chelsie’s face…I doubt it was.  And by the earnest expression on Val’s face as he asked “Oh, you work in a hospital?”, I’m gonna venture a guess that “catching up on the soaps” is not on Val’s list of hobbies :-P

Heidi: Both were hilarious…but I was yelling at my TV, saying “Chelsie, STOP talking, yer makin’ it worse”, while laughing at her.  Val I thought was just endearing…and for Kelly, humbling. :-D

Couple’s Schtick That is Most Likely To Get Old VERY Quickly: Sabrina & Louis reminding everyone that Sabrina was voted in and this season is “all about redemption”; (dis)honorable mention for Derek’s short jokes and Kelly & Val’s pattycaking

Courtney: I just think the short jokes are corny :-P And I guess I would just rather see Kelly & Val doing something other than pattycaking…something more…intimate.  ;-) Maybe if they were playing pattycake with their face.  LOL :-P But the Sabrina & Louis “the viewers chose us to be here!” and “this is all about redemption because Sabrina left too early” poppycock is just beyond annoying at this point.  If that’s their big reason why people should vote for them – then they must not be that special, because every week that any of the couples is sticking around, is a week they are being “chosen” by the viewers, since they’re obviously getting votes.  And you want to talk about “redemption”? Gilles was narrowly beat out for the MBT by a mere 1%.  Joey & Kirstie are both 2nd place finishers; Bristol finished 3rd in her season, and was pretty unpopular.  Drew, Kelly, & Emmitt are all trying to prove that the earlier champions are every bit as good as the newer ones. I daresay any of the names I just mentioned have a greater hunger for “redemption” than a 7th place finisher who just couldn’t get the votes to stick around in season 5…and has been reminding us about it ever since.

Heidi: Eh, I don’t mind the short jokes and Derek usually recognizes the shelf life of  joke in general. (I have to say, though, that the harassment he got from one Shawn fan freak on Twitter was OTT – yo, Derek ain’t the one that looks bad here, nutjob!) Also didn’t mind the patty caking – was rather amazed by that, actually. Not sure I could do that without a shit ton of beer to relax me.  :-) But the Sabrina crap is in a whole other league from those other two because we’ve been hearing for YEARS about her (not) shocking elimination. Talk about drinking game potential. Get the fuck over it already! I’m about ready to stick a pen in my eye.  Guess what kids – you were voted in over Carson and Kyle, NOT the rest of the cast. You better hope like hell that Team Sabrina is a lot bigger than I suspect it is.

The “Clean up on Aisle 15″ Bodily Function Overshare Award: Joey Fatone, for sharing with us that he felt like “peeing/pooping his pants” or “throwing up” prior to performing

Courtney: As I recall, after his cha-cha back in season 4 (when his mic pack came loose and was swinging from his waist for a good 20 seconds of the dance), Joey made some reference to “being afraid he had pooped his pants” when he felt the mic swinging around.  It seems as though Joey has some serious incontinence issues, if he’s living in near constant fear that he’s gonna wet or deuce himself…or toss his cookies :-P Someone get this man some Depends and a wastebasket, STAT.

Heidi: Totally a visual I didn’t need. Either one. :-)  Apparently Melissa also shared with Derek after the results show that she “had to go poop.”  Little too much sharing, kids. :-D  Makes my brother look…well, like he fits in.

The Costume Brain Fart Award: Cheryl Burke, for a cha-cha dress that looked almost identical to the one she wore last season

Heidi: She’s doing a lot of things that are almost identical to last season….

Courtney: Y’know, I understand that the pros often stick with what they like – and that’s fine.  But most of the time, they find ways to switch things up so that you can at least tell that it’s a different costume – different colors, more embellishments, etc.  If I didn’t know better, though, this seems like it was just the same costume with a handful of sequins glued onto it.  And I wouldn’t say it’s the most flattering costume I’ve seen Cheryl wear – just makes her seem so WIDE in the hips, and the black underwear underneath just looks…I don’t know, too small? Like it’s being devoured by her lady parts? It’s just not particularly easy on the eyes, that’s all.

Heidi: “Devoured by her lady parts?”  Yer grossin’ me out and that’s no easy task!! :-)

The Male Least Likely to get Laid, Week 1 – Val Chmerkovskiy, for excusing his Google inability with a comment about being “half” Kelly’s age followed by calling her a “Vintage” car.

Heidi: Dude, Tom was right…Shut UP! :-D Kelly is a gorgeous, sexy woman with whom you have great chemistry. You also have an apparent fondness for her boobage.  How  you ever get dates with that sort of poor word choice is beyond me. Take a note from big brother Maks and start writing flattering phrases on your hand that you can read to her to make her happy.

Courtney: I’m really starting to think that Kelly has this amazing ability to turn the normally unflappable, pragmatic Val into a stuttering, sheepish ball of puppy love.  :-P And I’m LOVING it.  Mama Spence is too…she is hoping that Val ends up motorboating Kelly, either accidentally or intentionally (with her permission, of course) by the end of the season.  And if you don’t know what “motorboating” is…I’ll give you a hint: it’s not a recreational aquatic activity…

The Award for the Greatest Disappointment in Pro Dancing to Date – Results Show Opening Pro Dance

Heidi: What an utter piece of crap. You know, maybe it wasn’t horrendous (oh, wait, it WAS), but when it is something that I used to look forward to for weeks?? That makes it’s suckiness even greater. Is it too much to ask to feature the pros that have been on the show for a long time, particularly since we almost NEVER get to see them dance with other pros and NOT in accompaniment to a damn musical guest?? There is NO need for the troupe to be included in that number, particularly since they have their own featured dance later in the show.  Hell, you could barely see Derek and Mark in there – is that any way to treat two of the more popular dancers??  Was Chelsie even on the floor? I don’t remember seeing Louis either.   Maybe Jason could do a better job with SIX fewer dancers and about 30 more seconds.  You wanna see a good pro dance??  Take NOTES.  Or hey, Look at this!!  And my favorite! Twelve or so phenomenal dancers dancing ballroom, in sync and out….fantastic. One of the reasons I started watching the show.  Hell, this one is one of my lesser favorites of the group pro dance but it was 10 million times better than the crap we saw Tuesday night.  What do those three dances (along with many other older pro dances) have in common??  They feel like a TRIBUTE to the talent and skill of the pros who work their asses off all season long teaching celebs to dance.  A tribute, not a f@#king afterthought that is crammed into an already too long show.

Courtney: Ditto to everything Heidi said above – and multiply it by 5, because I have ADD and that pro number was just too much stimulation for me :-P Too much information for my distracted mind to process! Oh, and I’ve decided we have far too many blond female pros – and it makes it nary impossible to figure out who’s who in the pro dances, with all that hair flying.  It’s a wonder someone didn’t get their eye gouged out by all those weaves a-whippin’ around…since they were all crammed like sardines onto that dance floor.  And don’t even get me started on the troupe – not only were they completely unecessary in that pro dance, but I feel like they end up trying to steal the limelight away from the REAL pros.  The three biggest offenders seem to be Sasha (the ringleader, aka “Buddy the Acrobatic Elf”), Oksana (aka “The Mail Order Bride”, armed with a deadly head of hair…which she whips back ‘n’ forth…A LOT), and Emma (who has a suspicious knack for finding where the camera is at all times – and staring directly at it for just long enough for it to get kinda awkward).  Jury’s still out on the new guy, Sonny, but he seems like he might be a little bit of a showboater himself.  Anywho, just seems like whenever I was trying to find the real pros in this dance, I was getting photobombed by a troupe member – “Is that Chelsie? I think it might be-oh, joy, my view is now blocked by Oksana’s hair.” “Is Derek dancing with Karina? *squints* Psssh, no point in trying to see now – Emma just blocked my view to stare at the camera.” If this is what I have to look forward to whenever I hear the words “pro dance” now – then I’d rather have no pro dances, period.  And seriously, how hard is it to find someone in the DWTS family to choreograph one of these numbers??? Jason Gilkison is great – FOR SYTYCD. But while his style suits that show well, I don’t think it translates well to DWTS.  Let one of our pros choreograph these opening numbers – my first choice would be Maks, but I’d even take Louis’ stuff over Jason’s.  Or have a pro collaborate & do a sort of fusion number with a non-ballroom pro – I loved the opening number Kym choreographed with Kevin Maher last season.

The Award for Best Snarky Aside, Week 1 – Tom Bergeron for “Aren’t you though” in response to Len’s “I’m a cup ‘o tea in a world of Lattes” after Shawn and Derek’s dance; Honorable Mention: Tom again, for his “and we got fumigated” comment about the large robots on the results show.

Heidi: Part of the reason that Tom has always deserved an Emmy is his ability to make off the cuff wise cracks that are often not disruptive to the show but are just perfect. This was one of a few times on the show the other night where I just chuckled.  If Len really wants to know why he gets booed, he only need listen to TOM. :-)

Courtney: File this one under “Reason #5,246 & #5,247 why Tom Bergeron Wakes Up & Pisses Excellence Every Morning.” 8-)

The Award for the Most Disturbingly Appropriate (or is it inappropriate?) Innuendo – Bruno Tonioli for “I love a man who gives it larrrrge” when discussing Joey’s dancing. Supposedly.

Heidi: Well. Um. Yeah. :-) I’m sure you do, Bruno.   The audience seems to not catch it, but of course Tom does.  ”It took you three minutes…”

Courtney: And Broseph is one large man – trust me, I had the pleasure of bear-hugging him in Vegas :-D And thankfully, I think Carson’s innuendo-y references to Lance Bass in his monologues in Vegas have pretty well prepared the Fat One for any squirm-worthy innuendos Bruno might throw his way.  Yet another benefit of doing the Vegas show…albeit a less obvious one ;-)

Person Most Likely to Win a Starring Role in “DWTS – Murder in the Ballroom” – Tony Geary for an awesome corpse…or zombie… impersonation while sitting in the audience; (Dis)Honorable Mention – The muppet who dashed past the doorway behind Melissa and Tony while they were standing on the stairway.

Heidi: Tony, seriously, spray tan is your friend. And maybe a different hairstyle.  And ten pounds.  There’s a shot during the results show where he looks like skeletor…the shot on the left, below, doesn’t do the scary justice. :-) As for the dude doing the dash…you couldn’t wait for commercial?? Seriously, they were going to break. Intestinal issues??  I was looking at Tony and Melissa and suddenly, in the corner of my eye, I see this shadow dash across the screen, really fast. That signals either brain tumor or horror movie, in my book. :-)

Courtney: Mama Spence is an avid GH viewer, and her nickname for Tony Geary is “Toupee Mayyybay” because his hair confuses her – it looks like it could be a toupee, but then sometimes it looks so sh*tty that it’s unfathomable to her than anyone would actually spend money on something that looked that bad :-P But yeah – who let the Cryptkeeper into the ballroom? It’s not even Halloween yet :-P And whenever I see one of the production Muppets darting around in clear view of the the cameras, in my head I just hear “Yakety Sax” playing. :-P

New Feature: Porno GIF of Week 1 :-)

Caption: Heh… Heh Heh Heh….

Heidi: Apolo, the look, combined with the tugging at your waistband??? EXTREMELY telling. ;-)

Courtney: “Ohhh, I’d like to have a go with that philly.  Mmmmhmmm…giddyup!” :-P Special thanks to reader mar (@lokhovits) for the gif ;-)

Cue the Beavis & Butthead laughs & lavish praise, because Heidi & I have clearly made your Saturday.  You’re welcome ;-)