DWTS 15, Week 2 – The Cheesecake Awards!!!!

Heidi: I’m on a roll…or a tear, depending on your POV, this week. I’m feeling mean. You’ve been warned. Don’t come crying to me later for my sense of humor having a mean streak this week.

Courtney: But everyone out to be thankful that Heidi’s on a streak, because I myself am feeling a bit…sedate.  Apparently I am allergic to either Cajun seasoning or lump crabmeat, as I broke out into hives about 15 minutes after sampling a hot seafood dip Mama Spence made for the Colts game.  A few hours, a trip to the urgent care, and a shot of dexamethasone later, I’m feeling less itchy…but a little blaaaahhhh.  But hey, at least the Colts beat the Packers! :-D

The C U Next Tuesday Award, Redux: Carrie Ann Inaba, for rather heavy-handedly chastising Bristol Palin for breaking hold in her quickstep

Courtney: Let’s get one thing straight: I fully acknowledge that Bristol & Mark broke hold in their dance (if you haven’t yet, see my post about it) and I agree that the judges were right in pointing it out.  HOWEVER – I don’t endorse CAI for going all Regina George on Bristol for it, claiming she was going to “slam back” because Bristol “slammed them in the face” by breaking the staying in hold rule. First of all, I have to laugh at how egocentric CA must be to think that all the couples break rules with the intention of somehow dissing the judges – I’ve heard her make the same ridiculous assumption about couples doing lifts, as if every single choreographic decision the couples make that doesn’t fit into her her specific (and ever-changing) rule book is a personal insult to her.  My god, woman, IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Second of all, at least direct your unwarranted indignance at the real guilty party – Mark.  Have you somehow forgotten that the pros ultimately make the choreographic decisions??? I don’t care how much influence you may think a celeb has over their pro partner - the pro gets the final say in the choreography, and if it really was Bristol insisting they break hold (and I’m not sure it was), then Mark should have had the cojones to put his foot down and tell her no.  But that’s neither here nor there – CA is a grown woman, not a teenage girl slamming another girl against a locker for stealing her boyfriend/copying her outfit/whatever.  Grow up, ya diva…before they have to pull an extra chair up to the judges’ table for your ever-growing ego.

Heidi: She’s just a nutbar. As you said she’s done this before – taken it as a personal insult to her that someone broke the rules.  Like Derek or Mark or Maks sit in a room with their partner saying, “What can we do to REALLY get CAI’s goat and piss her off?” But see, that’s the difference between CAI and the pros on this show. The pros are actual choreographers…it’s an art form, and sometimes they make creative decisions to put together the most exciting, memorable dance and that means a rule gets broken.  I doubt CAI was considered until they looked at the final routine and figured that they better warn their partner they might get in trouble because CAI is a self centered biotch who thinks it’s all about HER.

The “Making out is the new black!” Award: Helio & Chelsie and Apolo & Karina, for finding ways to smooch in their routine; honorable mention – Val Chmerkovskiy, for finding any excuse he could to kiss Kelly on the head/hand/arm/etc.

Courtney: This seemed to be one week where the makeup department was discouraged from using the long-wearing lipsticks that we’re used to seeing – as both Helio & Apolo proudly sported lipstick kisses on their faces from their female partners.  Love certainly seemed to be in the air this week…maybe they were inspired by Kirstie’s enthusiastic congratulatory smooch to Tom last week? :-P

Heidi: Well, I think Val and Karina have crushes. Don’t know what the hell the deal is with Chelsie. :-D

The “STFU Already” Award for Beating of a Dead Horse…AGAIN: Len Goodman for YET AGAIN reminding us of how shocking Sabrina’s elimination was in Season 6

Heidi: OMFG…how many times do we have to hear about this!!! Are they going to give her top of the leaderboard every week just to get the story they want at the end of the season?? “The most shocking elimination EVER finally wins!!! All is right with the fucking world.” :::rolls eyes:::  I think I actually freaking screamed when he said it yet again.

Courtney: Wait…Sabrina’s elimination was shocking? Hold the phone. MIND…BLOWN.  8-O

The Award for Most Intriguing Mystery of Season 15: Len Goodman for what appears to be eyeliner…on ONE eye…during the discussions about “breakthrough” dances on Tuesday Night

Heidi: What was up with that? Does he have an issue or did make-up get distracted when doing his face and slip??  I kept staring at it and wondering what the deal was. Like maybe he was taking Kenny Mayne or Jerry Rice’s role on Dance Center.

Courtney: It did look like they maybe got a little rushed…and forgot to do the other one.  Maybe he’s going for the Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange look?

The Most Shocking (HA! NOT!) Choice for “Breakthrough Dance”: Carrie Ann for choosing Emmett’s very first dance

Heidi: Me thinks someone doesn’t really get the meaning of “breakthrough”. But seriously…his FIRST dance?? I think this is vajayjay talk again.

Courtney: If it was CAI’s va-jay-jay doing the thinking on that one, then I am extraordinarily curious to know what strange forces were at work when Kirstie’s waltz (where she wore a strange, unflattering pastel monstrosity of a dress, and lost a shoe) as her breakthrough dance.  Was it supposed to be ironic??? :-P

Heidi: Crack is wack.

The Ego-A-Go-Go Award: Louis Van Amstel, for somehow making his dropping of Sabrina all about him & his embarrassment; (dis)honorable mention – Emmitt Smith, for “not being intimidated” by Helio, Gilles, & Apolo

Courtney: Sabrina falls – HARD – on the floor after doing a move that Louis insisted upon, and lays there groaning in pain.  Louis’ first thought? “I’m sooooo embarassed!!!” Because we all know this show is all about Louis’ enormous ego…although CAI is currently giving him a good run for his money.  And as for Emmitt – I know everyone thinks he “didn’t really mean anything by it”, but the fact that he said it (kidding or not) just makes him sound a bit silly to me…and like he’s not really evaluating this competition as seriously as he should.  Although I think those most offended by the comment would be Joey & Drew – as they didn’t even warrant a mention :-P

Heidi: Heh…Emmitt didn’t mention Shawn either and I think at his peril. :-)  As for Louis – it’s always all about him. Did he even ask her if she was alright BEFORE he worried about his own image?? Either way…self centered in the extreme.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ The Night: “Gilles wants to send a special hello to all of you in Clevelage, Ohio.”

Heidi: Yeah, it’s not one of his best, but it made me giggle.  Best of all:  Gilles reaction. See below. :-) Someone isn’t taking you as seriously as you demand, Gilles. He’s not giving you the respect you deserve!! LOL – go Tom.

Courtney: If you aren’t joking with the Berge, you’re against the Berge.  And if you’re against the Berge…you are on my sh*t list.  Although Gilles was pretty much already on my sh*t list for inumerable other reasons :-P But I seriously hope Tom keeps knocking Gilles down a few notches each week from now on.  The dude needs a reality check!

The Award for the Person Most in Need of a Sense of Humor: Gilles Marini, for reasons too numerous to list in a heading

Heidi: Seriously dude, lighten up!! First, you are not at all amused when listening to Emmitt’s pre-dance package – okay, a little bit understandable, but still – with what you’ve been saying on twitter how can you be mad at someone else saying they aren’t intimidated?? Then, there is that little spiel to the camera when backstage getting ready to dance: “Gotta do it one more time… yadda yadda yadda”…like you’re in desperate condition and an Olympian getting ready to hit the freakin’ balance beam. I have a clue for you – Olympians have more balls. Even Shawn. :-)   Tom makes a pretty funny little quip about Clevelage, Ohio and you can barely bring yourself to crack a smile – dude, Bergeron won an Emmy and is funny as hell on a OFF day. Get over yourself. Then, when you’re called safe, all that pointing up and thanking god – why did that all feel like it was a very heavy handed play for the cameras?? Because it was??  You know, you could learn a thing or two from Joey Fatone, dude – you’re starting to really turn people OFF. And let me tell you, the matinee idol looks fade badly when the reek of desperation is in the air.

Courtney: Y’know, at this point, I think Gilles’ level of desperation, competitiveness, and overall questionable sportsmanship is actually (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) making Jaleel look tame by comparison.  I’m getting sick of Gilles for all of the reasons Heidi mentioned – plus his kinda douchey behavior in the infamous “Kelly Monaco F-bomb” video leaked earlier this week (which has already been taken down – and I frankly blame Gilles), plus some positively diva-ish behind-the-scenes behavior that I’ve been hearing about.  It’s such a far cry from the charming, humble, mild-mannered Gilles of 3 years ago that it makes me wonder if we Gilles’ evil twin instead…and the real, sweet Gilles is hogtied in a closet somewhere.  We’ve only finished 2 weeks of competition, and I’m already seeing a lot of people get turned off of Gilles in the same way we have – and he shows no signs of stopping.  If he wants to have a snowball’s chance in hell of making the finale, he needs to hope that a) the judges continue to overlook any mistakes he makes and score him generously – ALL SEASON, b) the bulk of the viewers that are voting aren’t cruising the net, or picking up on these less savory behaviors, or c) he has a revelation within the next few weeks and suddenly starts acting more like Apolo – hard-working, but still making sure to have fun and bond with his fellow castmates.

The Award for the Person Most in Need of a Good Smack Up Side DA Head: Bristol Palin, for a complete and total lack of self awareness combined with total entitlement issues, and a BIOTCH mentality.

Heidi:  Boy, the list is long on this chick too. First the “This time I’ll have full control” – like when don’t you, silly girl. YOU signed the contract to be on this show. Idiot. Next was the “I’ll be so glad when this night is over” – so, did you sign a contract to be on this show simply to make Mark’s life a living hell, get your mug on TV and pimp your family and not, you know, DANCE?? Oh wait. Sorry. Stupid assed question. Of course you’re only a low rent fame whore.  I think the Kardashians may have more talent than you do – and that’s saying something. I’ve never been a Mark fan at the best of times…but dang, do I feel sorry for that boy this season.  Let’s not forget the confessional “I’ll get 6′s no matter what” – no, you get 6s because they want to keep you around – you only deserved a 5!!  And that’s because YOU SUCK.

Does anyone sense I have anger issues where Bristol is concerned? :-)  Of course, that doesn’t mean what I said isn’t true. :-)

Courtney: And drawing another contrast with the Kardashians – at least people actually watch their show.  And instead of getting cancelled – they get spin-offs :-P And their trainwreckyness is actually fun to watch.  What else can I say about Bristol that Heidi hasn’t already eloquently said? All I can really say is to be prepared, kids – from the murmurings I’ve heard, Bristol, like Gilles, has shown no signs of cleaning up her act.  For Mark’s sake, I hope that her act wears thin on both the judges and the voters…

The Person Most in Need of a New Hard Drive: Brooke Burke for Three Verbal Fumbles, one at the opening of the results show, one introducing the pro segment and then at the end of the show when she says, “will be elim-going home.”

Heidi: The first one and the last one were the most significant. It’s not even like she really screwed up, it’s like her hard drive got hung up trying to think too hard and she got a “Warning – High Disk Usage” that made her words kinda slow down and fumble a bit. I was waiting for Tom to turn and give her a smack to get it running again. Or end the high usage process. :-)  The last one mystified me – are they not allowed to use the word “eliminated” any more? And why not?? Is “going home” supposed to be kinder??  In reality, no one actually sleeps in the ballroom – except maybe Len – and they all go home every night, so why not “eliminated?”

Courtney: Maybe Brooke has just been using a thesaurus and decided to mix things up at the last minute. *shrug* Although it would be kind of fun to hear her try to use a new term each time…”will be ERADICATED”, “will be TERMINATED”, “will be DISCHARGED”, “will be ANNIHILATED!!!” That could actually add a whole new layer of drama to the results shows…make it more Thunderdome-ish… 8-)

The “Who’s That Girl?” Award: Lacey Schwimmer for being one more blonde in a sea of blonde. (Dis) Honorable Mentions: Anya, aka Little Red Riding Hood, and that other blonde female trouper.

Heidi: Really, when it takes me a few long seconds to realize that Lacey is Lacey? You’ve had too much work done and the platinum blonde thing is WAY over done on this show. I seriously wasn’t sure it was her during her and B-word’s dance.  As for Anya and that other blonde Troupe girl (is it Emma??)…really, you girls need to pick some different shades because I spent that entire dance trying to figure out who was who. I knew that Anya wasn’t Julianne, but she sure was a dead ringer for another blonde Hough – I just didn’t think that Marabeth was a professional dancer. :-)  It was a mystery until after the show. I”ll say one thing for Oksana – you don’t have to spend anytime figuring out who she is – just a few head whips and you’ve got it. :-)

Courtney: And actually, not to be a douchebag, but it was actually Emma “Freaky Eyes” Slater that was Red Riding Hood – can’t believe you didn’t notice, based on her strange ability to find the camera and stare directly at it for longer than what’s considered acceptable :-P Anya was just filling out the ranks during the first and 3rd numbers – and was actually not attempting to compete for camera time, like the rest of the troupe and the Schwimmer Spawn.  Anya’s my homegirl – and she’s actually a natural blonde, which is more than I can say for the rest of them…especially the she-Schwimmer, who has become such a caricature of her former self on the show that it’s not even amusing.  The blindingly blonde, over-weaved ‘do, the porno-y makeup, the wild dance moves…ack.  That flash & trash may work in Vegas, but it takes a lot more to impress the tv audience…

Heidi: So, it wasn’t Anya it was Emma?? I think you just proved my point. :-D  Of course, the camera work during those dances is OUT of control – it’s a wonder we can see anything.

The “ICK!” Award of the Week 2 Results Show: Benji Schwimmer for being…Benji Schwimmer

Heidi: Many of you know that I’ve had a strong negative reaction to Benji for years. Nothing has changed.  He’s still an egotistical (“hey – they stole MY move!”) over-dancing fool.  My reaction is oddly visceral. Can’t explain it. Don’t ask me to. :-)

Courtney: I’m just glad he ditched the Hilter-esque bowl cut I saw him with a few years back.  I think it was during the time he was all BFF with Leann Rimes – y’know, before she married smarmy Eddie Cibrian and just kinda lost her marbles.  But I find the thing that bothers me the most about him is his teeth.  They just seem to dominate the overall look of his face, and they kinda scare me…like they might try to gnaw off my face.  Sorry, having serious Zombie Apocalypse fears…

Non-Tom Bergeron LOL Moment ‘o the Results Show:  Maks, Tony and Joey in the Celebraquarium laughing and bumping into each other, with Joey asking “Slam back? What is that?” during CAI’s commentary to Bristol and Mark

Heidi: Damn that was all kinds of funny – giggling like little boys. Maks looked like a bad little boy who was relieved to know that he’s not the only one that gets hit with nonsensical Carrie Ann comments. Leave it to Joey to lay it all out there. :-)

Courtney: See? It’s just common knowledge that Carrie Ann is a bitter hag now…and a bitter hag that is about as good at issuing threats as Gilles is at being modest.  If CA wants to really scare the contestants into submission, she needs to ditch the vague threats about “slamming” that leave hapless bystanders like Joey wondering WTF she meant.  She should start watching Sons of Anarchy, and take a few tips out of the Gemma Teller playbook – you’re not going to just “slam back” at Bristol, you’re going to “slam your face all the way back to Wasilla with a skateboard” if she breaks the rules again.  Except that CAI will never be as badass as Katey Sagal :-P

The “Cute as Kitties and Puppies” Award of Week 2: Kelly and Val in the Celebraquarium…I mean Photo Booth. Honorable Mention: Derek/Shawn for “I believe in you” and “I love dancing with you” moments

Heidi: Of course the funniest thing was half naked Peta in the foreground practicing her moves alone while the camera catches syrupy sweetness in the back ground. Just a bit of cognitive dissonance there. :-)  Seriously though, Kelly and Val were cute as all get out (and you all know I’m not a big fan of “cute”) with their photo booth poses.  I was especially impressed with the Val who is coming out in his interactions with Kelly – VERY charming.  But don’t worry, for all the sweetness there were moments of sheer WTF during the results show as well – there were just too many to list.

Courtney: Peta seems to have taken on some of the traits of her partner this season – she just seems so…harsh.  But anyway! Yes, Kelly & Val are sweet as pie…and a little spicy, too, if you saw the aforementioned “F-bomb” video before it was taken down.  The syrupy cuteness is ALMOST making me forgot Val’s comment about “not caring about anyone in the competition except family”…almost.

Heidi: That is a pretty toolish thing to say, for sure – but I look at it as over compensating. For a lot. :-)

Zombie Gif of the Week:

Zombie Judgepocolis
Caption: DWTS Zombie Apocalypse

Non-Porno Gif of the Week:
Oksana and Henry
Caption: Henry narrowly escapes decapitation by Mail Order Bride