DWTS All Stars, Week 3 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Oooo…it’s getting super snarky in here. Hehehehe….

The Award for Pro Most Likely to Win the Role of Cinderella’s Ugly Step Sister: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: Dude, seriously – you is one ugly woman. But as an androgynous man you ain’t half bad. :-) What was freaky was how UNLIKE himself he looked. Really, a shave and a wig and you’re nearly unrecognizable?? Amazing. :-)

Courtney: I just have to laugh at the wig itself – that was SERIOUSLY the best Mick Jagger wig they could find? I’d find it more believable if Mick Jagger circa 1970 looked more like a cross between Jim Morrison & a mustache-less Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, with a smattering of the famous Farrah Fawcett hair flip in Charlie’s Angels.  And the pants? Would make Austin Powers himself jealous.  The end result was simultaneously hilarious and disturbing…in that Maks seemed to be enjoying himself just a teeny bit too much :-P

The “Google Is Your Friend” Award for General Cluelessness: Maksim Chmerkovskiy for not knowing what Androgynous means.

Heidi: Well, if it were ME and I didn’t know the meaning of the word that Kirstie was calling me all week long, I would: A) Realize that perhaps I needed a wee bit more education and B) GOOGLE IT. The embarrassing and hard way (but hilarious for the audience) to find out the answer to the question is on National Television. :-) Of course, you can’t know everything. But even a chimp can google. ;-)

Courtney: You know who else can Google? Muppets. :-P

The Award for the Worst Wardrobe Idea Since the Lacey Crotch Doilie (heh): Sabrina, Louis and the Wardrobe Department for the PURPLE Crotch Window Treatment

Heidi: That entire costume was godawful, but I kept getting distracted by the material dangling…down there.  It was just freakin’ weird!  I was like, what the hell IS that?? Of course, the other issue was waiting with baited breath to see if the top half of her costume would hold up to the work out that her boobage was giving it. Ahem…more support is a GOOD idea.

Courtney: Her boobs were REALLY ANGRY this week, as Mama Spence put it.  And each time she stomped or gesture wildly…it just looked painful.  And the big triangular purple phallus just made me chuckle like a 14-year-old boy.  Wonder if Louis was cranky because he was feeling inadequate by comparison :-P

Worst Song Lyric…Possibly EVER: “…the colorful lipstick that sticks to her lips…” By Frankie Moreno

Heidi: WHAT?? “sticks to her lips?”  How…sexy. Um, not.  Who wrote that piece of crap??

Courtney: I can tell you this much: if I buy lipstick and it doesn’t stick to my lips, I’m on makeupalley.com tearing that brand a new one.  Maybe this is a revelation to Frankie Moreno (who I had never heard of prior to Tuesday night, mind you) – that a product called lipSTICK has the ability to adhere to one’s mouf.  And teeth, if not applied carefully (ask Chelsie).  And if that’s the case – I can understand why he’s primarily known for playing the piano at all sorts of wacky angles.  Wonder what else he can do from all sorts of wacky angles…

The Award for the Confessional with the Most Natural (and Smokin’) Sexual Undertones: Kelly and Val

Heidi: Lord have mercy. She has this way of looking at him and then saying a very short sentence in a deeper breathy voice and I get the impression that they are on their way straight to hot monkey sex in her trailer. And just about all of their interactions are like that. “Oooo…you’re all sweaty…” It’s verging on Porn movie foreplay. :-)

Courtney: I just have to say one thing: bow chicka wow wow.  :-P

The Cute – in a good way – Award for Week 3: Melissa Rycroft for that behind the scenes exchange with Tom Bergeron about hugs and blaming him if everything goes south. Honorable Mention: Shawn Johnson, for the squeaky little “really??” when Len commented on how much he enjoyed their dance.

Heidi: Like I said last week, sometimes even I appreciate cute. Melissa is just so darn likeable and it’s obvious here. As for Shawn, she reverted to 15 or 16 there for a minute – I appreciate someone who knows they’re going to get docked for breaking rules but really hoping you liked her dance anyway. Just too cute.

Courtney: I find Melissa & Shawn to be the two most outwardly likeable female contestants this season.  Both just seem to appreciate the opportunity to dance again and aren’t about to get their knickers in a twist over whether they win or not.  Pretty sure Gilles has the monopoly on the “knickers in a twist” title this season…and that’s saying something, considering Bristol had a pretty formidable tantrum this past week.  But I digress :-) I’m hoping both stick around awhile and give us more warm fuzzies like this…to take the edge off of whatever nonsense Gilles & Bristol throw our way!

The Cute – in a BAD way – Award for Week 3: Brooke Burke (and TPTB) for her delivery of the bad news to Drew and Anna in that new format.

Heidi: That whole format change I thought was kinda bad, but mainly I think it was bad because Brooke doesn’t have the flair or the genuineness of Tom. She just came off as so cutesy when she told Drew that he was in jeopardy. Cutesy and fake. Perhaps that was due to her being afraid she would screw it up, but dang – I found myself quite annoyed by that whole thing.

Courtney: “Tee hee, you’re in jeopardy. LOLZ!!!”

Heidi: EXACTLY

Biggest Mystery of Week 3: Who was Apolo imitating with that creepy “Should we do something different…” Bit in the BTS footage prior to being called safe.

Heidi: What the hell was that?  I can’t say I think it was the best idea, whatever it was. :-)  If it had been done in a french accent, I think we would all know – and maybe that was supposed to be a French accent… :-)

Courtney: I don’t even think he was aiming for a particular accent – I think he was just trying to convey “douchebag”, and I think he was successful…because I’m fairly certain that was jab at Gilles the Pill.  :-P Only I don’t think Apolo knew the camera was rolling, or didn’t think the footage would get used – or else he would have done something far more subtle and clever, such as he did in their rehearsal package when describing how he was going to “emulate Gilles’ sexiness” and “touch his sexy manboobs” (see below photo :-P).  Either way…Apolo’s got my vote.  I respect anyone with the cojones to call Gilles out on his bullsh*t at this point :-P

The WINNER of the “Pick a Dance for your Competition” Game: Mark Ballas for Whispering “Bollywood” to Bristol

Heidi: That was GREAT. Well done, Mark. :-)  Loved it.  He knew what he was doing. I think he gave one of the front runners the worst choice (for Gilles) while making sure that he and Bristol didn’t have to do it either.

Courtney: Mark scored all sorts of brownie points with me this past week 8-) First, he maintained a cool head and a calm demeanor in the face of Bristol’s tantrum (and trust me kids, the unedited version would have made Mark looks even better – and Bristol look even worse!).  Then, without missing a beat, and with the perfect self-satisfied smirk on his face (and one from Bristol to match), he slaps Gilles in the face with the worst dance on the list.  You see, kids, this was extra amusing to Heidi & myself, since we had heard some behind-the-scenes murmurings that Mark (like many of the cast members, I assume) is none too fond of Mr. Marini – something about a stolen massage table and Gilles’ claim that he’s “not a dancer”.  So I think I vicariously lived through Mark exacting revenge on Gilles for his general douchebagginess thus far this season.  Remember, Gilles: karma’s a bitch.  A jealous, vengeful, evil bitch ;-) And we salute you for revenge well-served, Markie! :-D

The LOSER, Yet Still a Winner of the “Pick a Dance for your Competition” Game:  Melissa Rycroft for giving Apolo Hip Hop (hello, his freestyle?) Yet Still Managing to get a Good Dance for Herself

Heidi: Girl…not good. Even Brooke was clued into the fact that giving Apolo (the guy who will likely win this thing) a dance he’s already done and very well, was probably not a great idea. Seriously, you couldn’t pick Contemporary?? I can’t see him being terribly good at that. But at least you got a perfect dance for yourself. :-)

Courtney: I just thought it was adorably clueless of Melissa to triumphantly say “Hip-hop!” with a grin, expecting Apolo & Karina to collapse in dread & frustration…only to have them screeching with joy, and Melissa left shocked & dismayed.  :-P But God love her, she was one of the few that I felt didn’t have any sort of ill intent in picking a dance for one of her competitors – I honestly think she just really didn’t want hip-hop, and thus it made perfect sense in her head to give it to someone else before someone else could give it to her.  And God bless Tony, too, for not trying to get all underhanded about it (you listening, Louis?) – he was just like “Ok, whatever you want!” It was actually a little refreshing to see a couple not trying like hell to screw over the competition – even if that was really the object of the game :-P And in turn, I think Apolo may have gone a little easy on Melissa – a truly sinister choice would have been to stick them with contemporary (which I don’t think anyone in the cast, save for Mark & Derek, could handle well)…but instead, he gave them jitterbug, which is pretty similar to a dance Melissa has already done & done well.  I like to think he was responding in kind to Melissa sticking him with something he’d be good at, but maybe he just didn’t have a clue what the hell jitterbug was :-P I just kind of loved the whole “pick your competitor’s dance!” scenario altogether, as it gave us the most beautiful screen shots, which often betrayed a couple’s true intent…mwahahahahahah ;-)

Heidi: I actually really enjoyed it as well, for the reasons you said. It just felt REAL. Much more real than the rest of the show.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Week: “For once, I don’t feel like the whitest guy in the room!” – referring to Emma & Oksana painted completely white to play statues in Apolo & Karina’s foxtrot

Courtney: This award could also double as the “best method of torturing a troupe member” award, as I don’t think there is any greater punishment then making a troupe member stand perfectly still and not look at the camera or do anything to attract attention themselves and perhaps increase their already-slim chances of getting promoted to full-time pro next season :-P But leave it to Tommy B. to make us chuckle at his Caucasian-ness…and take a bit of a jab at the hapless troupe.  :-P

Heidi: Not only did they have to stand perfectly still and not mug for the camera, you also couldn’t really tell who was who. And Oksana was like freakin’ Sampson sans hair to whip around. :-) Good old Tom – he also had two rather large errors this week, but I blame TPTB and their messing around with the “safe/jeopardy” script. :-)

Diva O’ the Week Award: Gilles Marini, for his convoluted, backasswards reasoning for not wanting to do another couple’s routine; (dis)honorable mention for the donkey in Emmitt’s paso doble, for refusing to go onstage

Courtney: Ai ai ai…what can I say about Gilles that hasn’t already been said? He just came across as the fussiest, most arrogant, most difficult-to-work-with guy in his long-winded (and quite frankly, bizarre) reasoning about not wanting to copy a current contestant’s routine “out of respect for them”.  He then proceeded to pick a routine that he admitted he just liked the music for, and by extension implied that he didn’t necessarily find the routine iconic – I’m sure Maks really appreciated that.  Just like I’m sure Gilles’ cock-eyed reasoning about not doing a current contestant’s routine made Apolo feel just PEACHY about picking Gilles’ foxtrot to recreate.  I could go on & on, but in short – Gilles sucks.  :-P And don’t even get me started on that damn donkey…so unprofessional.  They hire you to do one thing, donkey: to go onstage and stand there.  And your huge ego can’t even manage to do a simple task like that without a bunch of kicking & screaming – er, bucking and whinnying. Get over yourself, donkey…you’re not THAT cool.  :-P

Heidi: Heh. An award about a donkey…and an ass.  Feels a bit redundant. :-D  Oh, I kill myself. Anyway, Gilles is the king of douch baggery. Douche-ness. Whatever. When your pro is sitting next to you in the confessional with her head in her hands?? Bad sign. I have this vision of Gilles going on for about himself for about 15 minutes, while a line of other dancers forms outside the confessional. Meanwhile, Peta pulls out a knife and opens a vein. ::rolls eyes::

Porno Gif of the Week!!

Apolo and Karina

Court: Special thanks to reader Karen for sending me this most enjoyable porno gif(t) via email…it was very much appreciated not only for saving Heidi & I precious time in a week where we’re 1 (wo)man down, but also for the general porniness of it ;-)

Heidi: If it looks a tiny bit different than what you sent, I apologize – I had to redo it because I couldn’t use it in it’s original form. Need an embed code. Or someone to teach me how to paste it so it works right. :-) But thanks for the idea. :-)

Disgusting GIF of the week. ;-)

CAI Stinky
Think about it. ;-)