DWTS All Stars, Week 4 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

This blog is brought to you by the letter D and the number 8.

I don’t know how funny I’m feeling this week, but I AM feeling snotty, and that’s almost as good. :-) IMO, anyway.

The Award for the Oddly, Mildly Amusing Imitation of the Week: Mark (and Shawn and Derek) for the Bunny Imitation

Heidi: Okay, I found it mildly amusing when Mark was doing it…then much more amusing when Shawn and Derek started doing it and Mark joined in. And then I had to wonder – what the hell goes on in that boy’s head? And what made him think that possibly dancing in bunny suits would be a good idea?? He also seems to have a real fixation on a variety of animals. Last week he was all about turtles, this week bunnies. He shaved his head and got real weird. :-)

Courtney: Old Mark Ballas had a farm, E-I-E-I-O…and on this farm he had a bunny, a turtle, some gorillas, the donkey from Emmitt’s paso doble, and probably the horses from the Gangnam Style team dance.  I dunno, I find his animal fixation oddly endearing this time around – maybe it’s because I love animals, maybe it’s because I think Mark had already kinda given up on Bristol this season and doing animal stuff was a way to amuse himself until she was eliminated. And Shawn & Derek? I just think they’re whimsical :-P Yeah I said it…whimsical.  Like the keepsake ornaments at Hallmark.

Heidi: I find it oddly endearing too. :-)  And I love the word whimsical.  This blog is now brought to you by the word “whimsical”.

The Award for Highest Cognitive Dissonance Factor, Week 4: Len Goodman, for the hilarious backstage aside to Bruno – “You touched him in a provocative way!”

Heidi: I’m sorry, but when Len is being the “real Len” that you often see in paparazzi video (and in this backstage bit) it really throws me and makes me giggle.  He’s just *funny* in a weird and unexpected way and I think it’s fun to see him interacting with Bruno in a more natural way. He often reminds me of a drunken grandpa who ends up dancing in his underwear for the entertainment of others. :-)

Courtney: He’s either the drunk grandpa dancing nekkid, or the drunk grandpa will all sorts of tall tales from his youth about how he had to walk 15 miles barefoot in the snow to get to school, how he once beat Sinatra in a poker game, or the wild night he spent in Vegas with Shelley Winters :-P Regardless, I just enjoy that Len seems to call his fellow judges out on their bullshit – and yes, I would say Bruno grabbing Gilles “in a provocative way” would qualify as bullshit, because you KNOW that allowing that to happen would score some serious Bruno brownie points for Gilles.  Oh sh*t…”Bruno brownie points” sounds FILTHY 8-O

Pro Dancer Most Likely to Have Muppets Everywhere Screaming in Terror: Louis Van Amstel, Muppet Serial Killer

Heidi: Seriously, that was horrendous. Muppets are traumatized thinking that Louis slaughtered the Cookie Monster to get an outfit for Sabrina – and really, that coat looked better on Cookie Monster.  Now, he’s running around nekkid just so Sabrina could be big, blue and feathery for 10 seconds.

Courtney: If I may share some of my knowledge as a Muppet aficianado for just a moment – I think the color of that coat was a bit too green to be Cookie Monster, who is more of a true blue color.  I actually think they killed Rosita, who is more of a turquoise/sea green color, to make that coat.  Perhaps Sabrina wore a flower in her fafro (fake afro) as an homage to the Muppet that died to make her costume this week.  I daresay Sabrina was getting a little overheated, though, as I caught her fanning herself in the background during several post-dance interviews in the Celebraquarium :-P

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Performance Show: “Just think how many Cookie Monsters we could make out of this!!” while holding up Sabrina’s blue coat

Heidi: Geez, people, make up your mind – first you let Louis skin Cookie Monster and now you want to recreate him like Muppet Frankenstein. :-)  Tom often manages to say what the audience is thinking. This is why he has an Emmy.  He actually had too many lines to list – we’ve already picked two.

Courtney: I like to think this week was a subtle Muppet homage – we had Sabrina wearing Rosita, Maks channeling the Swedish Chef, and Len playing the roles of both Statler AND Waldorf every week :-P

The Identity Crisis Award: Len Goodmen, for claiming he “wants to be Randy”

Courtney: Paula cracks a joke about looking around for Simon & Randy; Tom follows up by ribbing Len about going to put on a dark-colored, tight shirt to be Simon for Paula.  Len happily responds with “But I want to be Randy!” Anyone else see a SLIGHT problem with this aspiration? ;-)

Heidi: Several problems, not the least of which being he ain’t cool, dawg. :-) But then, neither is Randy, really.  Bruno’s reply was best though: “You ARE randy” – using the British euphemism, I’m sure. By the way, that qualifies as TMI, dawg.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Results Show/Best Use of a Movie Reference: “I’m like Anchorman…I’ll read anything you put up there!”

Courtney: Tom just earned like, 10 million brownie points for quoting one of my favorite movies :-P Now he just needs to grow a moustache and get a dog named Baxter!

Heidi: Did that movie have bad production muppets in it?? :-)  Cuz this show obviously does. It’s gotten to where I see at least one random production dude on camera per week.

Courtney: No Muppets – just 70’s porn mustaches, burgundy business suits, rampant sexism, Sex Panther cologne (“60% of the time, it works EVERY TIME”), a some jazz flute.  And a sh*t ton of AWESOME! Who’s ready for the sequel??? ;-)

Most Ridiculously Over-Hyped, Over-Scored, Over-Exaggerated, Lacking in Technique Dance of Season 15 to Date: Gilles and Peta’s Version of Bollywood

Heidi:  Never saw a Bollywood dance with random fingers, flailing legs and FISH FACE before. The gaping mouth was most distracting. What a mouth breather. You know, bugs might fly in if you leave it gaping like that. Of course, Gilles hacking up a lung in the middle of the dance could only be an improvement.

Courtney: Careful how long you leave that mouth agape, Gilles – Bruno might try to put something in it.  :-P Too much? Yeah, prolly.  Too late to take it back now though! But yeah, this dance was a world of suck – and cartoon Aladdin in probably rolling over in his cartoon grave in the Disney moratorium vault.  And Nakul Dev Mahajan (the Bollywood choreographer on SYTYCD also the choreographer for Slumdog Millionaire) might be a little miffed, as he tweeted this a few days ago…

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
@NakulDevMahajan
Nakul Dev Mahajan

The Sermon on the Mount Award for Long-Windedness: Gilles Marini, for…a lot of stuff

Courtney: Gilles certainly had a lot to say this week – except the bulk of it only KIND OF made sense, and he did it at the most inopportune times.  There was the bizarre karate reference when Brooke asked him why he picked “I Will Always Love You” to dance to next week (oh yeah, karate & Whitney go together like…peanut butter and pickles).  Then there was his unecessarily wordy (and time consuming) explanations for why he picked every member of his team, which forced Tom to cut him off. We know you’re on a HUMONGOUS ego trip, dude, but did you ever hear the phrase “Brevity is the soul of wit”?

Heidi: He’s just a colossal ass. He really believes people are hanging on his every word, doesn’t he? Guess again, jackass.  Then there was that display that he and Peta put on when they saw what their song was – unnecessarily over the top and if there is any karma in this world they will crash and burn HARD. Then he followed that up with his celebrating for getting the call and getting to pick first?? What, are you FIVE?? Jesus, take a look at your team, then take a look at the other team. Why were you celebrating again?? He just totally disgusts me. To think I was thrilled with him being on the All Star Season once upon a time.  This is definitely one of those “be careful what you wish for” instances.

Creepy McCreeperson Award: Kelly & Val, for doing…whatever it was that they were doing

Courtney: I don’t care if they were method acting – this is a dance show, not a damn Scorscese flick.  Kelly & Val lurking cheerlessly in the background and being excessively PDA-ish just kinda gave me the creeps.

Heidi: Yeah, this was taking odd to a whole new (and sickening) level.  People, IT’S A DANCE SHOW.  Val, like Gilles, is verging on taking himself way too seriously. And if they need all that to get into the dance? Well, perhaps they should have focused more on technique cuz that dance really wasn’t that good AND they were grossing me out. Spent a bit too much time on method acting, in my book. I also give them the award for highest “Ick Factor” of Season 15 to date, and considering that Benji Schwimmer was on, that’s saying something.

Carson Kressley Exchange O’ the Night: With Maks, Carson says, “Look at you, you look like Little Lord Fauntleroy, and I mean that in a good way.” To which Maks responds: “I can’t even get mad at you because I don’t know who that is.”

Heidi: I love me some Carson and he even makes me like Maks. :-) Little Lord Fauntleroy – that’s exactly the phrase I was struggling to find, and of course Maks has no clue. But seriously – Maks often dresses himself in the most bizarre and unflattering ways. I do not understand. It would not be a season of DWTS if we didn’t get a couple truly bizarre Maks outfits. :-)

Courtney: I went back and forth between Pip from Great Expectations and Lord Farquaad from Shrek (who, coincidentally also seems to suffer from delusions of grandeur :-P) – but I think Carson hit the nail on the head with Fauntleroy.  And I just have to chuckle when Maks get stymied by words, phrases, and pop culture references that are not distinctly Russian.  :-D Was Lord Fauntleroy also androgynous, possibly?

Porno Gif of the Week – Porno Paula!!
Paula and Bruno go cuckoo
Caption: “Paula gives me a boner…” :-)