DWTS All Stars, Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Word to the wise: If you want to see something in the Cheesecake Awards, DON’T say so. Don’t tell us what you expect to see. Because if you do, we just might think it’s too obvious or decide that we don’t want anyone to expect anything – and not include it.

Just sayin’. :-)  The Cheesecake is on the small side this week – we have discovered that most of the cheesy goodness is in a results show. :-)

Beware: Heidi’s Mean Streak is wider than usual this week. :-)

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “By the way, tonight Carrie Ann Plays the Iceberg” (ref. Titanic) in reference to her comments regarding Shawn and Derek’s supposed lift.

Heidi: That was very clever. I love me some Tom. Even CAI couldn’t help but laugh at herself after that one and Len loved it as well. How is he so quick?? I’d be standing there saying, “Bitch.”

Courtney: For someone that gets all OTT in her praise like CAI often does, she’s also a colossal buzzkill – and nothing says buzzkill like a humongous ocean liner getting obliterated by an iceberg.  And Carrie Ann, like an iceberg, is chilly, jagged, and is useless as a judge on a reality tv dancing show :-)

The 180 Degree (aka Whiplash) Award: Kelly and Val for going from naturally hot to OTT Fake Showmance in the space of about one show. (Dis)Honorable Mention: Gilles for going from Most Anticipated Celeb participant to Most Anticipated Elimination in a few short weeks.

Heidi: I find it moderately interesting that all the ego problems on the entire show are centered nearly entirely on one “Team”. Add Louis to Team Gangnam Style and it would be a complete set. Val is on serious crack for telling Kelly that her Contemporary dance was “great” – I would believe that he was trying to get into her pants, but they are making that SO obvious that it’s most likely to be fake. I compare them to the way that, say, Shawn and Derek interacted this week and they are just FALSE. All that great, natural hotness is being hidden by fake showmance. What, Val FINALLY makes it past week 3 and he’s King of the World?? Right. Don’t think so. As for Gilles, I’m still stunned by how much I actively dislike him. I compare that to how much I anticipated seeing him back on the show and I’m rather surprised and shocked.

Courtney: And the best part: Team GS dug their own grave.  Gilles even admitted that they already had their “dream team” in their mind since the previous morning – guess enormous egos of a feather flock together.  Or rather – just a certain family and their entourage.  Val has gone from a pro that I didn’t really have any issues with to quite possibly my least favorite male pro in the span of a few weeks – the desperate attempts to convince everyone that he & Kelly are doing the no-pants dance after hours, the whining about getting stuck with contemporary, the arrogant comments about only wanting a “good-looking” team – it’s all just shot to hell any hope I might have had of actually liking a Chmerkovskiy brother.  And yeah, it’s disappointing that he & Kelly had such a natural, effortless chemistry the first few weeks…and rather than just rolling with that and really focusing on good dancing, they’re laying the whole “We’re totally f*cking” thing on extra thick, and it’s an insult to viewers’ intelligence.  It’s a desperate ploy, as is pretty much everything Gilles says or does – whether it’s raving on Twitter about how great his dance is, or making grandiose, self-important speeches on the air, or going for the most low-brow, wacky choreography for their GS solo, it just makes me think that this guy must REALLY not have a whole lot going on for him, if he needs to win that badly.  The stench of desperation is a hard one to shake, kids – and it stinks like rotten fish and makes people run in the opposite direction.

The STFU Award for Week 5: Brooke Burke for a Serious Run on Sentence Problem and an inability to SHUT UP.

Heidi: Geez, Brooke, I’m sure this is partly the producers fault but for the LOVE OF GOD, Shut UP!! I’d like to hear the contestants actually speak but your “questions” actually take a good 30 seconds to spit out!! Additionally, you’re spouting bullshit. How stupid do you think we are?? Commenting on an already OTT showmance by wondering what Val and Kelly are doing in her trailer?? (Transparent producers, very transparent.)  Repeatedly making it VERY clear that Tuesday is a different night and 24 hours later than your Monday?? You almost had me believing it you repeated that so often. “Last night”, “two days ago” – all crap. Then all that commentary about Copacabana as Emmitt’s favorite song (not)??? Way to make a man lie ad nauseum. Thanks. Then the whole “we’re laughing with you, Carrie Ann.” NO WE’RE NOT!! I was laughing AT her for being a moron! Speak for your self with those run on sentences!

Courtney: Brooke reminds me of that kind of odd guy or girl that you let sit at your lunch table in high school because you felt bad for them – but everytime they tried to interject something into the conversation, it was always a tad too late and usually quite awkward…and everyone would just pause for a minute after they said it, and then would quickly give a nervous courtesy laugh before quickly changing the subject.  She’s THAT awkward.  And I have to wonder if Tom, being that the host extraordinaire and seasoned pro that he is, just kind of inwardly facepalms when he hears her say awkward things like this.  Those two are polar opposites: Tom is the Cadillac of reality tv hosts, always prepared with a witty quip or diversionary tactice when it is needed most, and never really gets his feathers ruffled by things that don’t go as planned; then you have Brooke – the robot with zero personality and multiple software bugs, that can’t even repeat a simple sentence and completely shuts down if things go off-script.  I honestly don’t know how that man manages not to self-medicate before every show…

The “Close, but No Cigar” Award: Gilles Marini for totally failing to create babies with his dancing but having total success in inducing morning sickness vomiting.

Heidi: Gilles would be the best example of “trying too hard” that the show has seen in a while.   He thinks so highly of himself that I don’t even see him as remotely attractive anymore. And he does make me want to vomit. :-)

Courtney: I’m confused as to what exactly in this rumba was supposed to induce procreation, as seeing Peta do high kick after high kick doesn’t exactly get me all randy.  Is it supposed to???

The “Where’d You Go?” Woodwork Award: Emmitt Smith for his rather dramatic fade into the background.

Heidi: I was actually shocked when they cut to Cheryl polishing his head (Heh – that was funny) because I had totally forgotten he was on the show. Nothing against him, I actually like Emmitt very much and think he’s fun. But between the people who make me nauseous (Gilles/Peta, Val/Kelly), the people I really enjoy (Melissa/Tony, Shawn/Derek, Sabrina, Apolo/Karina), Kirstie who I like a lot and Maks who is winning me over a tiny bit, Emmitt is a nonentity. And that is sad, but it’s the way this show tends to work.

Courtney: Who’s Emmitt???

The “Don’t F#@k with Tom Bergeron” Award: Len Goodman for getting one-upped by Tom when he said “Keep your widgy comments to yerself” to which Tom replied, “that was a factual comment designed to find your beating heart” when the judges were commenting on Melissa’s dance.

Heidi: That was frickin’ awesome!! :-) Go TOM!! Hilarious. Even Len had to laugh at that one. My advice is to not try to match wits with Tom – you will LOSE. Especially when the man is on a roll.  I might have to throw Derek over for him…

Courtney: If there was ever ANY doubt that this show is Tom Bergeron’s, he quickly dispelled them with this zinger :-) Maks, judges, Gilles, step aside – this is the Berge’s show.  And don’t you forget it ;-)

The “Blind as a Bat…when it’s convenient” Award: Carrie Ann Inaba for calling Derek and Shawn on a lift that wasn’t a lift but totally missing lifts in both Melissa’s and Sabrina’s dances.

Heidi: Totally not surprised but I have to say, if you’re going to make a big production about a catch and call it a lift (and take to twitter to defend yourself with a statement that includes the words “judges discretion”) then you should call Melissa for her feet being off the floor early in her dance with Tony when they were coming down the stairs and Sabrina’s feet being off the floor late in her dance during a move that OFTEN results in accidental lifts. But no…ya’ll were storyboarding this past week. Can’t have Sabrina down there with the mere mortals in the four way tie for second place.  I do appreciate the fact that Sabrina was in the lead and Gilles was NOT, but your idiocy, CAI, is getting out of control. Combine that with Len’s pre-packages lines about Shawn’s dance and I think the word from production was to keep Shawn out of first place. Especially considering that Len gave a higher score to Kirstie than he did Shawn. Even if it wasn’t a rumba, that’s only worthy of a one point deduction…unless you’re partnered with Derek of course. Then you have to be handicapped.

Courtney: I don’t have much to add, except I hope Carrie Ann falls out of her chair again, not only so we can point & laugh, but so whatever screws got knocked loose during the first fall might get knocked back into place and she starts playing with a full deck again. That is all.  :-P

The “OMFG YES!!” Award for Week 5: Maksim Chmerkovskiy for Telling Gilles “You can’t talk anymore.”

Heidi: I think I stood up and cheered. What more is there to say than that? :-)

Courtney: Even a broken clock is still right twice a day – and Maks hit the nail on the head with this one.  It was funny, the bf came over to catch up on all the Sons of Anarchy I had saved on the DVR, and we ended up watching DWTS for whatever reason.  His response to Maks & Gilles’ exchange? “Good for him – I f*cking hate it when students think they know best.  I’m the professional, dammit…if you want to choreograph your own routine, then go get certified as an instructor.” Just one problem in applying this philosophy to Gilles’ situation: Gilles probably would fancy himself a dance teacher, all the while claiming that he’s “Not a dancer.”

The Award for Managing Actual, Honest Emotion, Week 5: Derek Hough and Shawn Johnson for their dance AND their package

Heidi: So why has Derek never gotten a youngster before?? The way he dealt with Shawn’s insecurities and fear was lovely to watch. He looked rather emotional himself in both the package and after the dance. And Shawn? She had this deer in the headlights look to her during a lot of the package - straight faced and blank – but then as the rehearsal went on I could see that she was hearing and internalizing what Derek was explaining to her.  He really, really talked to her in an effective way – I actually think he *showed* her how to be vulnerable because I was really struck by how different he was than the normal Derek, who veers between being goofy and fun and very strict and demanding. I like me a multifaceted human being, as opposed to how one-dimensional some seem on this show.  As Kirstie would say…”Not naming names or anything.” :-)

Courtney: I think of the couples that are left, Shawn & Derek, Melissa & Tony, and Apolo & Karina have the most honest, genuine interactions and seem to be on the same page – unlike those desperate to win, those trying to convince us that they’re fornicating, and those blending into the woodwork.  I think the pros in the pairings I mentioned above are all very in-tune with their partner’s needs and want to see them improve, and put out quality dances – and that makes me far more inclined to vote for them than any of the gimmicky things I see the other couples doing.  Say what you will about being flashy & standing out – it is important, but when it comes down to it, flashy & trash will only get you so far.  You need to seem real to the viewers – and I think some pros know how to do it, while others don’t.  I will say this: if it’s Shawn, Melissa, & Apolo in the finale…I think we’ll have a good idea of what does & doesn’t work to get the viewers on your side.