DWTS All Stars, Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!
Word to the wise: If you want to see something in the Cheesecake Awards, DON’T say so. Don’t tell us what you expect to see. Because if you do, we just might think it’s too obvious or decide that we don’t want anyone to expect anything – and not include it.
Just sayin’. 🙂 The Cheesecake is on the small side this week – we have discovered that most of the cheesy goodness is in a results show. 🙂
Beware: Heidi’s Mean Streak is wider than usual this week. 🙂
Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “By the way, tonight Carrie Ann Plays the Iceberg” (ref. Titanic) in reference to her comments regarding Shawn and Derek’s supposed lift.
Heidi: That was very clever. I love me some Tom. Even CAI couldn’t help but laugh at herself after that one and Len loved it as well. How is he so quick?? I’d be standing there saying, “Bitch.”
Courtney: For someone that gets all OTT in her praise like CAI often does, she’s also a colossal buzzkill – and nothing says buzzkill like a humongous ocean liner getting obliterated by an iceberg. And Carrie Ann, like an iceberg, is chilly, jagged, and is useless as a judge on a reality tv dancing show 🙂
The 180 Degree (aka Whiplash) Award: Kelly and Val for going from naturally hot to OTT Fake Showmance in the space of about one show. (Dis)Honorable Mention: Gilles for going from Most Anticipated Celeb participant to Most Anticipated Elimination in a few short weeks.
Heidi: I find it moderately interesting that all the ego problems on the entire show are centered nearly entirely on one “Team”. Add Louis to Team Gangnam Style and it would be a complete set. Val is on serious crack for telling Kelly that her Contemporary dance was “great” – I would believe that he was trying to get into her pants, but they are making that SO obvious that it’s most likely to be fake. I compare them to the way that, say, Shawn and Derek interacted this week and they are just FALSE. All that great, natural hotness is being hidden by fake showmance. What, Val FINALLY makes it past week 3 and he’s King of the World?? Right. Don’t think so. As for Gilles, I’m still stunned by how much I actively dislike him. I compare that to how much I anticipated seeing him back on the show and I’m rather surprised and shocked.
Courtney: And the best part: Team GS dug their own grave. Gilles even admitted that they already had their “dream team” in their mind since the previous morning – guess enormous egos of a feather flock together. Or rather – just a certain family and their entourage. Val has gone from a pro that I didn’t really have any issues with to quite possibly my least favorite male pro in the span of a few weeks – the desperate attempts to convince everyone that he & Kelly are doing the no-pants dance after hours, the whining about getting stuck with contemporary, the arrogant comments about only wanting a “good-looking” team – it’s all just shot to hell any hope I might have had of actually liking a Chmerkovskiy brother. And yeah, it’s disappointing that he & Kelly had such a natural, effortless chemistry the first few weeks…and rather than just rolling with that and really focusing on good dancing, they’re laying the whole “We’re totally f*cking” thing on extra thick, and it’s an insult to viewers’ intelligence. It’s a desperate ploy, as is pretty much everything Gilles says or does – whether it’s raving on Twitter about how great his dance is, or making grandiose, self-important speeches on the air, or going for the most low-brow, wacky choreography for their GS solo, it just makes me think that this guy must REALLY not have a whole lot going on for him, if he needs to win that badly. The stench of desperation is a hard one to shake, kids – and it stinks like rotten fish and makes people run in the opposite direction.
The STFU Award for Week 5: Brooke Burke for a Serious Run on Sentence Problem and an inability to SHUT UP.
Heidi: Geez, Brooke, I’m sure this is partly the producers fault but for the LOVE OF GOD, Shut UP!! I’d like to hear the contestants actually speak but your “questions” actually take a good 30 seconds to spit out!! Additionally, you’re spouting bullshit. How stupid do you think we are?? Commenting on an already OTT showmance by wondering what Val and Kelly are doing in her trailer?? (Transparent producers, very transparent.) Repeatedly making it VERY clear that Tuesday is a different night and 24 hours later than your Monday?? You almost had me believing it you repeated that so often. “Last night”, “two days ago” – all crap. Then all that commentary about Copacabana as Emmitt’s favorite song (not)??? Way to make a man lie ad nauseum. Thanks. Then the whole “we’re laughing with you, Carrie Ann.” NO WE’RE NOT!! I was laughing AT her for being a moron! Speak for your self with those run on sentences!
Courtney: Brooke reminds me of that kind of odd guy or girl that you let sit at your lunch table in high school because you felt bad for them – but everytime they tried to interject something into the conversation, it was always a tad too late and usually quite awkward…and everyone would just pause for a minute after they said it, and then would quickly give a nervous courtesy laugh before quickly changing the subject. She’s THAT awkward. And I have to wonder if Tom, being that the host extraordinaire and seasoned pro that he is, just kind of inwardly facepalms when he hears her say awkward things like this. Those two are polar opposites: Tom is the Cadillac of reality tv hosts, always prepared with a witty quip or diversionary tactice when it is needed most, and never really gets his feathers ruffled by things that don’t go as planned; then you have Brooke – the robot with zero personality and multiple software bugs, that can’t even repeat a simple sentence and completely shuts down if things go off-script. I honestly don’t know how that man manages not to self-medicate before every show…
The “Close, but No Cigar” Award: Gilles Marini for totally failing to create babies with his dancing but having total success in inducing morning sickness vomiting.
Heidi: Gilles would be the best example of “trying too hard” that the show has seen in a while. He thinks so highly of himself that I don’t even see him as remotely attractive anymore. And he does make me want to vomit. 🙂
Courtney: I’m confused as to what exactly in this rumba was supposed to induce procreation, as seeing Peta do high kick after high kick doesn’t exactly get me all randy. Is it supposed to???
The “Where’d You Go?” Woodwork Award: Emmitt Smith for his rather dramatic fade into the background.
Heidi: I was actually shocked when they cut to Cheryl polishing his head (Heh – that was funny) because I had totally forgotten he was on the show. Nothing against him, I actually like Emmitt very much and think he’s fun. But between the people who make me nauseous (Gilles/Peta, Val/Kelly), the people I really enjoy (Melissa/Tony, Shawn/Derek, Sabrina, Apolo/Karina), Kirstie who I like a lot and Maks who is winning me over a tiny bit, Emmitt is a nonentity. And that is sad, but it’s the way this show tends to work.
Courtney: Who’s Emmitt???
The “Don’t F#@k with Tom Bergeron” Award: Len Goodman for getting one-upped by Tom when he said “Keep your widgy comments to yerself” to which Tom replied, “that was a factual comment designed to find your beating heart” when the judges were commenting on Melissa’s dance.
Heidi: That was frickin’ awesome!! 🙂 Go TOM!! Hilarious. Even Len had to laugh at that one. My advice is to not try to match wits with Tom – you will LOSE. Especially when the man is on a roll. I might have to throw Derek over for him…
Courtney: If there was ever ANY doubt that this show is Tom Bergeron’s, he quickly dispelled them with this zinger 🙂 Maks, judges, Gilles, step aside – this is the Berge’s show. And don’t you forget it 😉
The “Blind as a Bat…when it’s convenient” Award: Carrie Ann Inaba for calling Derek and Shawn on a lift that wasn’t a lift but totally missing lifts in both Melissa’s and Sabrina’s dances.
Heidi: Totally not surprised but I have to say, if you’re going to make a big production about a catch and call it a lift (and take to twitter to defend yourself with a statement that includes the words “judges discretion”) then you should call Melissa for her feet being off the floor early in her dance with Tony when they were coming down the stairs and Sabrina’s feet being off the floor late in her dance during a move that OFTEN results in accidental lifts. But no…ya’ll were storyboarding this past week. Can’t have Sabrina down there with the mere mortals in the four way tie for second place. I do appreciate the fact that Sabrina was in the lead and Gilles was NOT, but your idiocy, CAI, is getting out of control. Combine that with Len’s pre-packages lines about Shawn’s dance and I think the word from production was to keep Shawn out of first place. Especially considering that Len gave a higher score to Kirstie than he did Shawn. Even if it wasn’t a rumba, that’s only worthy of a one point deduction…unless you’re partnered with Derek of course. Then you have to be handicapped.
Courtney: I don’t have much to add, except I hope Carrie Ann falls out of her chair again, not only so we can point & laugh, but so whatever screws got knocked loose during the first fall might get knocked back into place and she starts playing with a full deck again. That is all. 😛
The “OMFG YES!!” Award for Week 5: Maksim Chmerkovskiy for Telling Gilles “You can’t talk anymore.”
Heidi: I think I stood up and cheered. What more is there to say than that? 🙂
Courtney: Even a broken clock is still right twice a day – and Maks hit the nail on the head with this one. It was funny, the bf came over to catch up on all the Sons of Anarchy I had saved on the DVR, and we ended up watching DWTS for whatever reason. His response to Maks & Gilles’ exchange? “Good for him – I f*cking hate it when students think they know best. I’m the professional, dammit…if you want to choreograph your own routine, then go get certified as an instructor.” Just one problem in applying this philosophy to Gilles’ situation: Gilles probably would fancy himself a dance teacher, all the while claiming that he’s “Not a dancer.”
The Award for Managing Actual, Honest Emotion, Week 5: Derek Hough and Shawn Johnson for their dance AND their package
Heidi: So why has Derek never gotten a youngster before?? The way he dealt with Shawn’s insecurities and fear was lovely to watch. He looked rather emotional himself in both the package and after the dance. And Shawn? She had this deer in the headlights look to her during a lot of the package – straight faced and blank – but then as the rehearsal went on I could see that she was hearing and internalizing what Derek was explaining to her. He really, really talked to her in an effective way – I actually think he *showed* her how to be vulnerable because I was really struck by how different he was than the normal Derek, who veers between being goofy and fun and very strict and demanding. I like me a multifaceted human being, as opposed to how one-dimensional some seem on this show. As Kirstie would say…”Not naming names or anything.” 🙂
Courtney: I think of the couples that are left, Shawn & Derek, Melissa & Tony, and Apolo & Karina have the most honest, genuine interactions and seem to be on the same page – unlike those desperate to win, those trying to convince us that they’re fornicating, and those blending into the woodwork. I think the pros in the pairings I mentioned above are all very in-tune with their partner’s needs and want to see them improve, and put out quality dances – and that makes me far more inclined to vote for them than any of the gimmicky things I see the other couples doing. Say what you will about being flashy & standing out – it is important, but when it comes down to it, flashy & trash will only get you so far. You need to seem real to the viewers – and I think some pros know how to do it, while others don’t. I will say this: if it’s Shawn, Melissa, & Apolo in the finale…I think we’ll have a good idea of what does & doesn’t work to get the viewers on your side.
Ah, Cheesecake. I didn’t notice the size of the slice this week as much as the depth of the deliciousness … which was awesome. TY,ladies.
Love your Cheese as always. All you guys are great!
Wish I had a poster of “must not pee”. CAI falling off
her “throne” is the funniest thing in 15 seasons!
I laughed until I had tears running down my face.
As always, HILARIOUS. Thank you for posting. There’s no way I could ever give you guys suggestions for what awards to give because I’m just not that creative. You guys are awesome.
Love, love, love Tom. He’s great and always worthy of a complimentary cheesecake award.
I agree that CAI was blind when it was convenient. It was a catch, but hey, giving them a higher point might put them ahead of Team Gilles, and we wouldn’t want that!
Gilles went from someone who I wanted to win to someone I can’t stand so quickly, it really makes me sad. I guess I’ll go to YouTube and watch Season 8 dances so I can remember him as he used to be.
Maks, for saying that to Gilles, I love you.
And thank you for posting a sweet award this week 🙂 I loved Shawn & Derek’s package and dance and how he was with her. I agree that they, Melissa & Tony, and Apolo & Karina seem to be more genuine than some of the other couples on the show.
Thanks for the laugh! Whew! And, to all those in Sandy’s path – take care.
As far as Gilles is concerned, he reminds me of another annoying/guilty pleasure song that fortunately wasn’t used on guilty pleasure week…. Somebody That I Used To Know!!!
And it would be nice to forget him!
And thanks for the Cheesecake!
My favorite part of your cheesecake awards is always the photos. I actually laugh out loud when I read them.
One thing I love about your awards is that everything you say is true. I am so glad you pointed out the thing about Melissa’s lift. I’ve realized that the unfair treatment given towards her routine(s) while finding everything little thing wrong with Shawn’s by CAI is what made me dislike her.
Thanks for another great addition guys! Keep up the great work! 🙂
Once again, you both crack me up!!
LOL to the crack Tom made about Carrie Anne. I busted a gut when he said that. He was speaking for all of us for how she was an iceberg!
And LOL to Gilles “inducing morning sickness” instead of “making babies”. So true. I loved it when Maks told him he couldn’t talk anymore too. Hilarious!!
Thanks for always making me laugh! LOL to the last two pics. TOO FUNNY!!!
Every time I see the clip of Carrie Ann falling out of her chair, I laugh. So tired of her drooling over Gilles and didn’t need to see him in his underwear. He needs to leave. Now. I would rather watch the pimping of William Levy again then deal with this guy.
i have to say i agree with your final three but im torn between mel and sabrina only sabrina is starting to get on my nerves a little 🙂 im loving shawn and derek and apolo karina , im not liking val and kelly at all, i loved him with sherrie but this ott fakeness is sick provoking, she has a bf who turns up most weeks so i think its pretty stupid to pretend there is something going on :)maks is my fav pro but this time i feel he’s already left the show at times, he looks a little sad and fed up 🙁 and dont get me started on gilles, i really liked him season 8 , cannot stand him now and hes making me not like peta which is annoying as i really like her as a dancer 🙁 i wish he had gone out instead of joey and kym…wonder who will win ? ummm
At least Willy didn’t have an obnoxious personality and wanted to dance, not undress.
Forgot to add that I love the pics and their captions, particularly the one of Len not peeing. You made my night.
I’ve been seeing news highlights of the storm back east and I’m thinking of all those on the site who live back there. Take care.
Just a quick question, Jo… Do you think possibly the reason that you feel Maks has “already left the show,” and seeming sad and fed up, is that he knows more about what actually happens with Gilles and Peta than what we are shown on the show?
Thanks Jennifer 🙂 Things are okay now but storm is targeting my area tomorrow. Fingerscrossed that everyone stays safe.
This weeks Cheesecake is Hilarious. I needed something to laugh at today. 🙂
Brooke hited a all time low this week, she must go. they should put Carson on her place.
I’m loving Derek this season, I always loved him but now he is my favorite pro for sure (he was second behind Mark). I just love his partnership with Shawn, loving seen a different side of him, no drama, no injuries, no flustered Derek, his Choreo just get better each week (not sure how he does it), Shawn and Derek are probably my favorite couple ever (used to be Shawn and Mark).
Great cheesecake, girls! Sometimes I miss Tom’s quips with the applause and all. Great comeback to Len – I heard something about a beating heart but that was awesome. Love the Berge.
Spent the weekend with an out of town friend and we watched the show again. Both of us were actually surprised they allowed the TG dance. They seriously needed an intervention – it was horrible. I love how Peta looks at Maks after Call Me Maybe dance. Her expression is like “oh crap”. I mean Kirstie and Maks on the yoga mats…ouch. Peta and Gilles were just embarrasing.
I’ve been a Derek fan for years. None of my friends got it. My visiting friend’s comment after this week’s package was “I think I just fell in love with Derek Hough” LOL I think the package is interesting in its filming as well. The restaurant scene is more “reality drama” looking than other packages. I’m thinking Derek had imput there too. There is much more depth to it. Great week, Shawn and Derek should have had 60 IMO
OMG, Tom just killed with his zingers that night! He certainly took no prisoners! LOL And then when Maks basically told Gilles to STFU I was on the floor! As for the Blind as a bat award, I don’t think CAI ever had a full deck to begin with 😉 Great job ladies!
Love love me some cheesecake and you ladies never disappoint.
This is Tom’s show – the zingers were awesome.
I particularly loved the Derek/Shawn package – I don’t think I’ve heard Derek speak so soft and so “from the heart” and Shawn did get it and their dance proved it. 30 IMO.
I’m tired of CAI’s inconsistencies and Len’s seemingly dislike of S
hawn. His comments totally uncalled for.
Thanks again ladies. Great job!!
Bring on the country.
laila, I completely agree with you. Mark & Shawn were my favorite couple. But I have to say that Derek & Shawn pretty much became my favorite from their very first interview. Shawn definitely brings out a different side of both Mark & Derek and I love it. Sucks that we won’t be able to have a trio dance with the three of them.
Btw, this is one of my fav cheesecake awards =)
You girls outdo yourselves every time!
I absolutely love when len is going for CAI after she falls and just stop to laugh. <3 Len.
FYI – don’t come on to this blog telling me I”m blind and that I should take something back. You will be deleted. You want to discuss it, fine. But cut that crap out right now.
+1 Heidi! The nerve!! I can’t believe some people.
Fantastic, as always! My award for best line in the cheese goes to the morning sickness reference – spot on!
The Berge was bad-a$$ last week. 😛 I love the way he slides in a rapier-sharp zinger when he thinks the Stooges cut too close to the bone.
I agree with jimmbboe, even before the fall, CAI wasn’t playing with a full deck.
Love the “Spot the eye roll” pic!
You gals are awesome! Thank you for pointing out the absurd every week <3 Love, love, love the Berg!
For those in Sandy's path – may she blow herself out and everyone ends up wondering what the panic was about… Stay safe!
You know why I like this site…no one ever pulls any punches…if there is an elephant in the room…you call it out and into the open. Keep doing what you are doing. The cheesecake awards are something I look forward to. They keep me laughing and frankly I thought I was going to pee in my pants when Carrie Ann fell…well after we knew she was okay. There is just something about people falling that cracks people up. If you watch the Ellen show you would know last season her DJ fell off his stool, she about had a coronary from laughing. I like your edge. I like your call it like it is attitude and no one is forcing anyone to read anything your write as you said so eloquently “) So keep it up ladies…I am already anticipating next week and the show hasn’t even begun…lol!
Another brilliant cheesefest! You ladies have my admiration for the best quips, smartest comments, and funniest lines ever. And I too loved how Derek was with Shawn. Thanks!
“The “Close, but No Cigar” Award: Gilles Marini for totally failing to create babies with his dancing but having total success in inducing morning sickness vomiting.” You should write for Leno.
Also, with Melissa, you can see that her and Tom are close, thus being a bit protective of her.
Never fails to make me smile. The cheesecake is always awesome. YESYESYES to brooke being a robot. My mom an I SCREAM at the Tv whenever she has to talk its like “blahblahblah awkward laugh heres your scores” ugh. But Shawn and Derek were so good and CAI was TOTALLY BLIND like it was a good, really good dance but ooooOOO lets call a lift Bleh.