Heidi: We’re a bit short on awards this week. I mean, we could go on and on about Taylor Swift and Brooke, but that gets a bit redundant after a while.

Biggest Disconnect Between Dancers & Music: The troupe’s opening performance to Little Big Town

Courtney: So what do you get when you take three Aussies, a Russian mail order bride, a Dane, and a Brit, dress them up in cowpoke gear, and make them dance to a song about a type of boat pretty exclusive to the States? A rather confused performance.  I can only imagine what kind of questions got tossed around backstage after this wonder…perhaps Oksana asking “What is pontoon? Is like U-boat?”

Heidi: I think their mojo was off. Mail Order Bride’s hair was all crimped and curled and very unlethal. It’s like Sampson after a haircut. I think I’ve explained this before.

The Award for Best, Unintentionally Filthy Dialogue: Shawn Johnson, Melissa Rycroft and Derek Hough for their “They’re cute” and “They’re Big” Discussion in the Behind-the-Scenes Video Tape

Heidi: That whole conversation was cracking me up. I have this vision of the producers seeing that footage and rolling on the floor laughing, while planning how they can air something that sounds dirty but isn’t. I’ve been of the opinion that Derek was crushing on Melissa back in her original season because of how he talked to her. And here he does a typical guy thing and Melissa? Hilarious. But the best bit was Shawn telling Melissa authoritatively that “they’re big” then reassuring Derek that they’re big. It’s okay, Derek, Melisssa called them cute. Not what you were going for, I know.  Um….what was the “they” that they were talking about again??

Courtney: Somehow I think Melissa has outgrown the whole “I must appeal to the male ego” phase that 20-something women go through, before figuring out that men need to get their balls busted every now & then in order to keep them in check Shawn? I think she just wants to protect everyone.  It’s actually kinda cute…both of them. 

The Award for the Most Bizarro Celeb Line O’ the Night: Emmitt Smith for “Your Underarms are Hot” to Cheryl Burke before they danced.

Heidi: Okay, you be the judge – pickup line or smack talk? LOL

Courtney: Did Cheryl forget to put her hand sanitizer under her armpits that night or what? Who knows…maybe Emmitt’s into maschalagnia.  Go look it up…if you dare. 

The “The Man Behind the Curtain” Award (aka Award for Best Outing of Storyboarding): TPTB for showing behind the scenes judges commentary where Len is talking about Gilles “queer legs” and funny arms after giving him a 9

Heidi: All this after saying Derek’s choreo was “fantastic” and the movement was “brilliant” and then giving them an 8.5. Yeah, that makes sense. The only thing you can pick on is a cow and a tractor – give them an 8.5. Pick on Gilles legs and arms give him a 9. Ummm…for a guy with no agenda you certainly seem to have…an agenda. What’s really odd is TPTB who keep showing the comments the judges make when they think they are off camera. At least they really did seem to like Kirstie which explains her scores.

Courtney: I was just left entirely confused after they offered up those bits, because the two you mentioned seemed to entirely contradict the critiques they gave the couples immediately after the dance.  Len was right about Gilles’, though – there was something off about his entire performance, to the point that it was actually off-putting, because I felt like he was intentionally trying to be as over-the-top as he could, given the song he was dancing to. So you can imagine my disappointment when Len was relatively easy on him, compared to his tyrade about cows and tractors to Shawn.  Guess the lesson to be gleaned from this is that acting like a drag queen = acceptable, farm props = wrongo bongo.  WTF.

The Award for the Tackiest Display of Having Too Much Fun: Brooke Burke for her barely concealed glee in asking uncomfortable questions like “Who do you think will be eliminated” and then commenting on how week 6 was the exact week Sabrina was eliminated back in Season 5.

Heidi: Jesus, Brooke! You’re enjoying your job just a bit too much here. It was partly her attitude that had me convinced that no one was going home, because her glee is just…obscene in the context of Sabrina’s elimination. And yes, I do think she is finding out who gets the boot before the show – I think she has been for a while. But either way…tacky. And I really hate how she handles telling the couples they’re safe. Oddly, as she’s gotten better at the job – more comfortable – I’m liking her a bit less. For reasons stated.

Courtney: Brooke was like an 80′s valley girl asking those questions up in the celebraquarium – “So like, you were eliminated this same week like, 5 years ago.  Are you gonna be, like, upset if that like happens again? Hee hee!” And then I do have to give Val & Kelly some props for gracefully thwarting her “So who you do you think is going home?” baited question.  I have to wonder if they’re really taking this “create a climate where the couples are encouraged to hate one another” thing a bit too far, to the point where they’re encouraging Brooke to ask loaded questions like that.  Drama, drama, drama…ratings, ratings, ratings.  This is Seacrest/Probst league stuff, dammit – and last I checked, The Berge was the incumbent Emmy winner in the hosting category…and he never had to resort to underhanded tactics like that.

Heidi: Which might explain why he was “off” the entire results show. I was tempted to create a “most shocking” category and make it Tom’s delivery during most of the results show.

The Award for the Meaningless Statistic Guaranteed to Piss Heidi Off: TPTB feeding Brooke the line that Apolo is the Celeb with “More perfect scores than any other”

Heidi: I should not say anything here and give out a prize for the person in the comments who can explain why that statistic is meaningless and downright bogus. But I won’t because I can’t help myself. You cannot reasonably say that about Apolo when comparing him with great dancers who aren’t on the All Star season and therefore don’t have a chance for additional perfect scores. It’s also totally bogus when the judges intentionally underscore people like Shawn and Nicole (and many others) in the hopes of making a given season a horse race. It’s also totally bogus when the road to a perfect score is entirely dependent on your competition in a given season. This is a bogus and meaningless statistic that no one with brains should be spouting as valid.

Courtney: As my Polish college calc professor would say, “You change de wariables, you change de solution” – the variables have changed since Apolo’s season, and now those perfect scores from season 5 don’t mean dookie.  And having ditzy Brooke do all this witless parroting of meaningless stats just leads to more stupidity on the part of some of the viewers, who delight in repeating them as some sort of proof of…who knows what.  Whatever stupidity I’m hearing repeated over and over despite Heidi & I’s best efforts to debunk it It’s irritating to no end.

The “Semi-Harmless Behavior That is Irrationally Irritating to Ailing Court” Award: Kelly Monaco, for mumbling and acting clueless whenever it’s time to pick a dance for another couple

Courtney: As some of you may know from Twitter (and some of you may not), I was not feeling 100% this week – there was a virus going around my office, and I woke up Tuesday feeling like poo…I had a fever, body aches, headache, sore throat, the works.  Consequently, some of you may have noticed me being a bit less patient and a bit more…cantankerous this week. At least moreso than usual :-P Things that normally don’t bother me too much were suddenly very irritating, and I found myself with a rather short fuse.  Case in point? I found myself exceptionally sore with Kelly when rewatching the results show, as she and Val picked Gilles & Peta’s dance.  She did the same thing this time that she did the last time they picked – she mumbled, acted clueless, and generally failed at simply repeating what Val whispered in her ear.  I found myself really bothered by it, for whatever reason – maybe it’s because I was taught to speak up and talk with confidence as a kid, maybe it was because I feel like Kelly goes into giggly, shy schoolgirl mode whenever she’s around Val, who knows…but I found myself screaming at the tv “For f*ck’s sake, speak up!!! And it’s not hard to repeat what Val has already said to you three times!” I recall getting a bit bothered by it when they picked bolero for Emmitt & Cheryl, too – she fumbled with the word, as if it was really hard to pronounce.  “Bo…bol-ero.  Bolero!” Not rocket science, Kelly – Val tells you what to say and you say it.  Loud and clear.  He shouldn’t have to tell you to speak up (and yeah, he did…he himself even seemed a bit surly, hissing “You’re going to have to speak a lot louder than that!”).  Am I the only one annoyed by this? I am? Ok, just me then. 

Heidi: You know, it’s entirely possible she’s just stoopid. But hey, I’m with ya. I blame PMS and stupid ass fangirls who see conspiracy in everything even when they were proved so WRONG last time – looking at you Marky fans with wild conspiracy theories.