Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that re-watching the results show was enlightening and annoying as hell all at the same time. And some parts were downright gross. Anyway, I am just starting to write this down and I’m sensing that it will be WAY more bitchy than it is funny. Fair warning.

The Award for the Pro Giddy Beyond All Reason: Tony Dovolani, in His Confessional Shown During the Results Show

Heidi: He’s just freaking happy. And he should be, what with perfect scores. He and Melissa are so cute and fun that I would be happy to see them make it to the finale and win (although I want it to be SHAWN and it should be Shawn). I love him bursting with glee in the confessional to the point he blows Melissa’s ear drums out. But seriously – I hope he holds on to that feeling because the judges were exceedingly kind and probably for a reason. Looking back on that Quickstep, you could drive a mac truck between Melissa and Tony’s bodies – something that Len regularly bitches about when the Pro happens to be named Derek. Be prepared – this is a theme you will likely hear me complain about throughout the Awards.

Courtney: I’ve gotta say – Tony is really impressing me this season.  He’s stepped up the choreo, and although he’s still not necessarily the most creative pro on the show, he still makes his partners actually dance, and he doesn’t buy into the drama – and neither does Melissa.  They don’t try to pass off some phony showmance, they don’t go for super flashy choreography, they’re not over-the-top competitive & annoying – they just dance, and they dance well…and they don’t worry about what’s going on around them.  It’s nice to see him genuinely happy and grateful to be doing well And him cheesing in the confessional was just adorable…I was half expecting the guy to say “Am I dreaming???? Am I actually headed to week 9???? AAAAAAGGHHHH!!!” I daresay putting up with the likes of Wendy Williams, Kate Gosselin, and Martina Navratilova over the years has paid off

Heidi: Yep, Tony is downright CUTE this season as well. He matches his partner in that respect.

Production FAIL of the Results Show (aka The Award for the Worst, and Least Expected, Moon Shot): The Chick Adjusting Her Skirt While Tom is Introducing Ne-Yo

Heidi: Ya know, if you’re a producer on a network show and you’re  going to have Tom and Brooke in the back of the audience standing on the floor waiting to see Ne-Yo, you might want to tell the people who happen to be wearing skirts that are WAY too short to begin with to NOT bend over and show their ass to all of America.  And if said audience member is going to pull down their skirt, they might want to pull it down in BACK so that their ASS isn’t hanging out on National TV.  Just sayin’ – I’ve seen better moon shots. Oh, and my screencap really doesn’t do it justice. It gets worse than that and you really can’t see as much in the cap as you do in full HD. Yowza. Think I saw thong.

Courtney: Y’know, I’ve heard from several people who’ve attended a taping of the show over the years that audience is pretty much at the mercy of the stage manager – they’re told when to sit, when to stand, when to clap, when to cheer, when they can and cannot get up to move around, etc.  As the bf commented after going to a live show back in season 8, “I felt like I was back in grade school again.” So you’d think that, with that “iron fist” mentality they tend to have with the audience, they could handle something as simple as telling a lady in a short skirt to move out of the shot before the camera panned to her.  On top of that, I’m fairly certain Ne-Yo’s performance was pre-taped – meaning that they probably could have easily found a way to edit out (or at least minimize) the woman’s unfortunate heiny shot.  Yet there it is, in all its icky glory…so am I to assume we have a bunch of horny teenage boys working in the editing room?

Production FAIL of the Performance Show: The opening with the couples going down the stairs being replaced by 30 seconds of just the audience standing and cheering – and the crowd hyper darting frantically behind the curtain

Courtney: I think those in the central timezone westward were spared the awkwardness – but for those of us watching in the eastern timezone, the opening credits of the BBC logo over the sky and the sound of the wind blowing were followed not by Tom & Brooke giving the intro with the DWTS theme droning in the background…instead, we got probably 30 full seconds of the audience on its feet cheering, with no music, no hosts, and nobody on the stage.  Oh, except the designated “crowd-hyper”, that was doing a lap around the floor signalling everyone to “go crazy” before running behind the curtain.  Then they cut to commercial  because clearly something had gone terribly awry with the Muppets in the control booth.  I think I recall tweeting “I hope they realize they can’t afford errors like this, since they have to cram 14 dances into 2 hours…and even that’s cutting it close.”

Heidi: No, it was Mountain time and westward that were spared. Those of us in Central see the exact same thing as you do.  My friends in the West said they got Tom saying “don’t you dare go anywhere, we’re having technical difficulties” or some such thing. We got lots of clapping and a confused looking Len and Bruno…and nothing else. Followed by an ass ton of commercials.  Funny thing was, the sound bar and the edit counter were also showing on the screen for a few seconds and I thought I had screwed up my computer that was recording the show.  I gave up went back to the main room to see it on that TV too. Yep, big screw up. Someone lost track of time, perhaps, which is why the crowd pumper dude ran out and then scurried away.

Courtney: Oh yeah! I had forgotten about the edit counter.  Mama Spence thought she had accidentally pressed a button on the remote and was trying to get it off the screen.  It took a few minutes before I finally convinced her that it wasn’t her, it was the show

Celebrity LOL Moment of the Night: Kirstie in the confessional with Maks and Tristan when she apologizes for getting him a low score, she then says, “Let’s face it, you’ve already been voted off. You can’t be killed twice.”

Heidi: I laughed. But probably more of the credit for that goes to Tristan who stares off pensively and says, “I hope not…” Just an all around funny exchange. Kirstie is always so fun – I also loved how, when being voted off, she told the judges that their critiques helped her and Maks is behind her shaking his head “no”…but he’s actually laughing at himself. A growth moment. Pretty funny.

Courtney: I didn’t know the “double jeopardy” rule applied to DWTS But touché, Kirstie.  Touché

Couple Most Likely to get Slapped with An OSHA Violation: Apolo and Karina…not for the Zip Line, but for having to step over the railing on to a ladder that was on the floor below to GET to the Zip Line.

Heidi: I just noticed that on the run through to come up with Awards. Seriously, I’m sure that violated all kinds of safety regulations. That’s cray cray. Don’t hurt the hot body, please. It seems they switched it up for the live show and he did the zip line from the stairs. Much safer. But still, production muppets – is it really a good idea to show safety issues ON the broadcast???

Courtney: Hehehe…I’m reminded of a sign that my dad (who has been in construction management his whole life) used to have in the garage when I was a kid: “If you think OSHA is a city in Wisconsin, you’re in trouble!” And as much as I may have rolled my eyes at my dad’s obsession with safety when I was young (he took a belt sander to all the scisscors in the house to dull them down so my sister & I “don’t accidentally stab yourselves with them”), I have to say – I do notice hazards more now because of it.  And yes, stepping over a safety railing is a big no-no…luckily, Apolo & Karina won’t be the ones getting flak for it.  Sorry, lowly production crew member who had that idea

Tom Bergeron Line O’ The Night: “Clearly they were smoking something when they made these choices…I’m sure it was medicinal.”

Courtney: Tom said this regarding the list of funky dances & themes the couples could choose from, and I all I could say was “PREACH ON, BERGE!!!!” The man has clearly been thinking the same thing we have all these years…that those making all the decisions are usually under the influence of some sort of mind-altering chemicals

Heidi: I just laughed and laughed at that – dude, you read our blog? Of course, we think it’s crack, (as in “wack”) but we could be wrong.  You have to be on some sort of mind altering substance to come up with Knight Rider Bhangra and Surfer Flamenco (to name two).

The Award for Judge Most Likely To Let Their Hormones Get in the Way (a.k.a. The Production Outing of the Week; a.k.a Most Obvious Man-Crush): Len Goodman for his blatant over scoring of Gilles and Emmitt, and to Production for airing enough BTS footage to make it obvious.

Heidi: Okay, so you comment that Shawn wasn’t in hold enough in a 50 second dance and you give her a 9.5. Fair enough. Despite not saying that Melissa didn’t have enough body contact and giving her a ten – yo, Mack could fit one of their trucks through the gap. I can live with that. But then you not only are rooting on Gilles like he’s your boy toy all throughout his dance, you give him a 10 for a clearly sub-standard dance. On top of THAT, you and Bruno both remark on a slip during Emmitt’s dance and YOU say, “Just a little slip, I don’t care” and give him a perfect 30. IN WHAT F#@KING UNIVERSE?!?! So what is Production’s deal that they show all this stuff – do they think the fans are stupid or are they outting Len for the hypocrite he is?? I want someone to explain to me how “not enough in hold” warrants a 9.5, but a dance with an obvious slip that both Len and Bruno comment on warrants not only a 10 from Len but a perfect 30 overall.  Yes, I know the show and the judges storyboard and create arcs - but they’re not hiding it at this point! Is this production’s way of saying, “Hey, it’s them, not us.”

Courtney: Or maybe they were just subtly trying to show us that they’re not the only ones smoking something medicinal…:-P

The “Ooooh!!! BURRRN!” Award for Best Insult Made Live on the Air: Len to Carrie Ann, “I have my standards; she has none!”

Courtney: That’s not entirely true, Len – Carrie Ann has a very important, very stringent standard that she adheres to, and that standard is this: on a scale from 1 to 10 (one being Master P, ten being William Levy), how loud does this dance make my lady parts scream?

Heidi: To give credit where due, CAI did seem to lose the Gilles appeal at about the same time as everyone else did… but you’d never know it from our porno gif of the week. Both Len and CAI are on crack at different times this season – how did Bruno end up being the only sane one???

Porno Gif of the Week

Caption: A side of CAI that no one wants to see. Ever.

Heidi: Sometimes this shit just writes itself.

Courtney: I’ll have what she ISN’T having.  Yucky