Title is kind of a lie – there’s some week 1 stuff in here too. As I usually do at the start of each season, it’s time for me/us to warn you. These awards are sometimes humorous, tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic and sometimes they’re b*#chy and sometimes they’re just weird. My point is, if you are overly sensitive about comments made about your favorite, you best not whine. You’ve been warned and NO ONE is immune.
On with the show…Not much in week 1 but these first two awards:
Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night, Week 1: “Victor’s story is not that unique…we get most of our cast when their judgement is impaired.” Honorable Mention: “I’ve been watching Giggy all day and I think he’s hammered!”
Heidi: HEY!! He shouldn’t say stuff like that in front of Andy! Heh. Anyway, good ole Tom. He was on a roll for night one!! I have to agree about Giggy. Is that dog of an advanced age?? Cuz he’s either hammered or very sleepy all the time.
Courtney: ZOMG, that’s sooooo offensive…it very well might send Andy scrambling to the closest bar! Seriously, the way some people are fancying themselves Dr. Drew and getting all up in arms on Andy’s behalf is just nauseating. But I digress….yeah, Tom’s pretty on the money, because with all the trickery going on at DWTS these days, one would have to be under the influence of some substance in order to agree to do it. As for Giggy – Giggy’s pretty sedate most of the time on RHOBH too, so I don’t think it’s anything new…that pooch is just so used to getting carried everywhere and sitting on everyone’s laps that he doesn’t really need energy
The “It Sucks to be in the Troupe” Award (aka Biggest DWTS demotion this season): Sasha playing pooch butler…or is that Footman? Bellman!! That’s it!
Heidi: Can’t you hear production? “Sasha, we want you to wear a hotel Bellman’s uniform and tote Giggy around all day.” To which Sasha should reply, “Are you F#@king kidding me??” It may have been a super demotion, but it did crack me up.
Courtney: He probably had to repeat in his head “I will do anything to be a pro. This is just another stepping stone to being a pro. Eyes on the prize, Sasha. You carry that pooch like a bellman at the Plaza Hotel and soon that MBT will be yours!!!”
Production Muppets Snafu O’ the Week (2): The piss-poor acoustics onstage when Tom & Brooke announced the first batch of safe couples
Courtney: It blows my mind when things this ridiculous happen – this is one of the top shows on television, and they have a pretty huge budget…yet they still can’t seem to get an effective sound system that allows the couples to ACTUALLY HEAR what the hosts are saying when they’re standing onstage? It took 3 tries before Ingo & Kym only kind of heard they were safe…and poor Wynonna was still standing there going “Huh?” and had to be told by Tony that they were, in fact, safe. Listen here, Muppets: get your sh*t together. It wastes time, and likely grates on the nerves of both the couples and the viewers when they have to hear the same thing repeated 3 times before it finally registers. Lock it up.
Heidi: Oh, I don’t know. I LOVE hearing Brooke’s monotone (although compared to Aly…I’m going to have to find a new word for it) voice saying “Ingo and Kym! Ingo and Kym….INGO AND KYM!” No, not really. I was waiting somewhat patiently, though, for her to add “Dumb ASS”. Now THAT would be exciting. You would think after 15 seasons on the air they would have this crap figured out by now.
The “Too soon?” Award: D.L. for his “We were impersonating Whitney and Bobby” Comment.
Heidi: Um, yeah. Tacky. And really not that funny. So why would you reuse it? Trying too hard.
Courtney: If he really HAD to go for some pop culture reference to warring couples, he should have gone with Ike & Tina…that has at least had some time to marinate. Or better yet, Breezy & Ri-Ri circa 2009…because they’re supposedly all good now. Pssssh….I wish more people would put those two on blast for being colossal asshats…
Most Boring Attempt at Endearing a Celeb to the Audience: The clip of Aly unable to find Mark; (dis)honorable mention for D.L.’s “interesting analogies”
Courtney: I can’t be the only one that thought “Really? This is the most interesting clip of Aly from the past two weeks that they could dig up?” Guess it’s a bit of a testament to the fact that Aly is, unfortunately, kind of boring so far. A 45-second clip of Aly just saying in a calm, monotone voice “I can’t find Mark. I don’t know where Mark is.”? Was that somehow supposed to make me say “Awwww, that Aly Raisman, she’s so quirky and cute and lovable! She couldn’t find Mark! BAHAHAHAHAHA! How adorkable!”? Cause it really didn’t. It just made me kind of a sleepy, and confused as to why they made such a big deal out of that clip. Hey Muppets, why not just show a clip of her ordering a Diet Coke for lunch…but getting a regular Coke by accident??? HILARITY!!! Or Aly accidentally wearing unmatching socks! OMG, LMAO. I’m sure she’s a very nice girl, but seriously – these are some hella pedestrian clips they’re throwing out, and I think it’s a feeble attempt at trying to make Aly seem human and relatable…except that she’s just so sedate and calm that nothing really phases her. As for D.L. - they acted like that clip of him talking about going “from Bobby & Whitney to the couple from Silver Linings” was some huge revelation…but I didn’t think it was really any different from what he said right after his dance. Were they just hard-pressed for clips of D.L. that were actually tv appropriate? Or are some members of this season’s cast just THAT un-interesting?
Heidi: Every time Aly speaks I become convinced that she’s rehearsed what she just said, like, 500 times. There is literally NO inflection to her voice. At all. She makes Brooke seem exciting. I would bet big money that she’s had serious media consulting without any coaching on DELIVERY. In any case, I’m pretty sure that it would be way funnier to see Mark wondering where the hell Aly is. Okay, so not really. :::sigh::: That’s some boring shit right there. Mark, could you throw a tantrum or something? I’m at a loss here. And D.L? It wasn’t that funny the first time. And that clip of him talking outside?? Not that interesting. Even stupider was Brooke turning to Sean and Peta after DL and starting the whole Murgalo discussion – like it’s some worldwide viral craze. Please. Get real. That stink I smell is your desperation, Sean (and Peta) – you ain’t standing out and you’ll try anything, eh?
Courtney: I about choked on my Sleepytime Tea when Peta was talking about how it had “really taken off” and “become a craze”. Ummm, no – PLANKING really took off. BATMANNING (which, by the way, was invented at my alma mater, Purdue ) was a craze. Owling, photobombing, Jolie-ing, and Harlem Shaking are all internet fads – Murgalo-ing is something that you two knuckleheads are desperately trying to make a “thing” because your dancing so far is pretty mundane. It’s not even particularly creative – it’s planking with your ass in the air. Courtney law: it is not an internet fad until a famous person posts a video/picture of themselves doing it WITHOUT BEING PAID TO DO SO. So until I see Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Ron Perlman, or Grumpy Cat Murgalo-ing, I am going to continue to deride both it and Team Murgalo…because this ish is kind of silly.
Best Strategy to Appeal to the Judges that Has Nothing to Do with Dance: Lisa Vanderpump & Gleb Savchenko, for plotting for Lisa to seduce Len
Courtney: Now here’s an example of a clip that DOES endear a couple to an audience, and actually makes me chuckle For as self-conscious as Lisa is when she’s dancing, she’s a cheeky little thing off the dance floor – and I must say, I don’t think another contestant in DWTS has even come close to making Len blush like Lisa did. Methinks Len maybe have been reconsidering his most recent marriage for a moment there, with as twitterpated as he looked…who wants to place bets on whether or not Lisa will get a miraculously higher score from Len next week?
Heidi: I’m quite certain that Len completely forgot he was married until Tom reminded him. Good ole Len was red. I loved it.
Pro Dance Choreography FAIL of Week 2: Val popping out of the center of all the women in the opening pro dance, imitating Maks; (Dis) Honorable Mention: The women for (again) resorting to a bump and grind opening.
Heidi: While this dance was a VAST improvement over those that have opened the show since the creation of the Troupe, this one still had a ton of issues, not the least of which there being too many damn people on the floor. But seriously, what was that opening bit with Val doing the whole eyebrow thing?? A tribute to Maks?? Sorry, but I’m betting few got it or cared and it just looked stupid as hell. This is what happens when you leave Val alone in LA while the other male pros are on the road with their celeb (Derek, Tony, Mark) – he thinks he’s the star and gives himself a spotlight. Then the women, as is their way when left in a group together, decided that they were so hot that they wouldn’t bother choreographing dance moves and would just resort to the tired old bump and grind. I find it interesting that they resort to this all the time when left alone, where as the men actually choreographed some nice dancing for themselves. Of course, there was all kinds of crazy shit going on in the dance too…Derek and Tony on the judges table? WHY? The only thing I can think of as an explanation for how poorly they were used in the dance was that Derek was out of town so much of the time, as was Tony. Then of course there was that little “tuck and roll” mishap by Derek (see below). It actually made it a mishmash in the center of the floor. Seriously – TWO dances next time. One for the pros and one for the Troupe. Please??
Courtney: I have to wonder if the reason we end up with hot mess group dances like this is because the same people seem to take the lead in them over and over again – and it seems like one of the Chmerkovskiy boys (or their current girl du jour – looking at YOU, Peta) is usually the one calling the shots. Val doing his “I’m too sexy” bit in the center just took me back to the attention-whoring (and rather icky & unnecessary) kiss during the opening pro dance last season between Maks & Peta. As for the women – *sigh* I don’t even know which one of you is to blame for the nonsense we seem to be witnessing on a regular basis now, but hair-flipping and coy “Oh, were you looking at my boobies? Shame on you, you filthy thing! Tee hee!” expressions are NOT choreography, and they are a waste of your talents as a dancer. If you need inspiration, go back to the opening pro dance of season 14 (choreographed by Kym) or the Travis Payne-choreographed number from season 10 – in those dances, *gasp!* the ladies actually danced…and it worked. And puh-lease, for the love of god, ditch the matching costumes and hairdos – it makes it nary impossible for us to figure out who is who in the ocean of fringe and blond faux-hawks whipping around. You can look COORDINATED without looking matchy-matchy.
The Award for Dipshit Move Of the Week: Carrie Ann Inaba for Impaling her forhead with her spiked bracelet
Heidi: Maybe she thinks she’s Jesus. And she’s still doing it wrong. Control yourself, Woman!!
Courtney: The Passion of the Inaba…oh jeeze. The real Easter miracle would have been if she had injured herself severely enough to take the rest of the season off…
Judge Line ‘O the Night: Carrie Ann Inaba for “Do I have a hole?”
Heidi: Answer: Yes…way toooo many.
Courtney: Yep. In your skull, where your brain should be.
LOL Moment of the Results Show: The BTS clip of Len going “uh..wha…uh…” after Wynonna says she’s going to handcuff him
Heidi: I’m sorry, maybe it was just me, but the gurgling coming out of Len after that comment made me laugh every time. Even though I was worried he was having a stroke…yes, if you fall down in front of me I will laugh as I ask if you are alright. It’s who I am. I’m a laugher.
Courtney: Maybe he was having another one of his “Hmmm…am I married or not? I suddenly am having a hard time remembering…” moments. I seriously think Wy would blow his mind in the boudoir…whether that’s in a good way or a bad one is up for debate
The Award for Most Questionable Wardrobe Choice: Zendaya for her Oakland ”Ratchets” Sweatshirt
Heidi: Really, Zendaya?? Klassy.
Courtney: Heidi, your Tennessee Thieves sweatshirt is in the mail…should be there sometime next week. I’m already rocking my Indianapolis C-U-Next=Tuesdays sweatshirt 8-D And in case some of the influx of youngin’s we’ve had in the past week or so aren’t picking up on the sarcasm – “ratchet” is not a term that ANY woman should be applying to herself…let alone a 16-year-old girl. Zendaya’s a sweet girl, but this was a misstep.
The “You’ve been SCHOOLED” Award: The Pro and Troupe Newbies for their introductory dance
Heidi: Maybe it was the music that made it so effective, but I thought that was the best dance of the results show. I loved how they used the floor and interchanged partners…it was just a good dance. But then, I liked Lindsay and Whitney both on SYTYCD.
Courtney: It wasn’t just you, Heidi – theirs was the only dance I watched more than once from the results show. It was dramatic & well-executed, and here’s the miraculous part: they actually managed to stay in-sync!!! Old guard from the troupe, take heed: these ones actually know how to count and move in unison. Watch your backs.
Best Response to a “How will you handle it” Brookebot Question: Jacoby (in response to a question about his rumba) for “I guess I’ll show my softer side BUT I AIN’T SOFT PLAYA” while looking into the camera at me…I mean, the audience
Heidi: LOL – I believed him, he ain’t soft, playa. He is funny as hell though. I think I’m going to start doing Bill Mahre’s “New Rules” and the first one is going to be: New Rule: All couples, when called safe, must do a touchdown dance like Jacoby’s.
Courtney: I know some people still think he’s cocky, but I think it’s just kind of his “thing” and it’s hilarious – you’re never quite sure what’s going to come out of his mouth, but odds are, it will make you at least chuckle and make Karina smile and inwardly facepalm a bit. As weird as this is going to sound, Jacoby is quickly becoming the Cloris Leachman of season 16 for me: he’s unpredictable and part of his appeal is watching Karina just try to keep up. I love it
Person Most Likely to be Smoking Crack on a Regular Basis: Carrie Ann Inaba for declaring “My boobs almost fell out of my dress” and then inventing the word “Freeeegan” when talking to Kellie and Derek
Heidi: What the hell was she saying?? Freegan…and she didn’t say it just once, she repeated it. Was she going for “Fricken?” “Friggin.” She really should lay off the bourbon in her dressing room before the show. As for her declaration?? WTF? Maybe you should sit your ass in the chair before you fall down. Again.
Courtney: Did she think she was just now nailing the pronunciation of Roshon’s last name, a year later? I really think she should have taken a page out of the Battlestar Galactica playbook and gone with “frakking”! As for the boobs – does the wardrobe department not apply the same “all ladies must wear pasties!” policy to the judges? Cause given what a sh*tshow CAI has proven herself to be with wardrobe malfunctions…they should.
The Kellie Pickler Southern Stylings Of Week 2: “Bless him” when talking about what’s going on in Derek’s head
Heidi: For those of you not living in the south, “Bless him” or “Bless your heart” is the southern woman’s way of ”He’s mental” or “He’s touched in the head” or just plain ole “you’re f#@king crazy”. ”Bless your heart” can also be code for “you’re a dumb ass”. Often, southerners are being genuinely empathetic when they use that phrase…but more often it’s along the lines of “He’s an idiot, bless his heart.”. :-) I’m pretty sure she was gently telling Derek he’s crazy.
Courtney: That’s a nice way of putting it…considering that when my Grammy said it, it dripped with sarcasm and more or less meant “That woman is a f$%&*!g c#$t!”