DWTS Season 16, Week 3 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

A whole bunch of weird stuff this week. Just weird… occasionally stupid…and sometimes charming.

The “He’s SO one of us!” Award: Tom Bergeron for saying, on the performance night, “Welcome to Prom Night…or ‘It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time’ Night!!”

Heidi: Tom is getting less and less good at hiding his opinion when he thinks something is a stupid idea. :-) And when he’s right, he’s right. I’m quite sure this wasn’t his only crack about Prom night.

Courtney: Tom has obviously been spending too much time lurking at Pure, because he took the words right out of my mouth :-D But unfortunately for him, he is still on the show’s payroll, and we are not…so this is probably the best we’re going to get out of him, with regards to how derp-y the show has gotten.  But alas, I felt vindicated nonetheless :-)

Professional Dancer LOL of the Performance Show: Gleb, for “You look like a dancer when you don’t move.”

Heidi: Surely I wasn’t the only one who not only LOLed at that one, but also developed a new appreciation for the newest pretty face on this show. :-)

Courtney: It actually sounded a lot like something Maks would have said to Kirstie…only Gleb sounded so much more melodic when he said it :-P

Heidi: You know, they say tone is everything. :-)

The Missed Memo Award: Heidi, Courtney and all the readers of PureDWTS who apparently missed the memo that the lift police no longer penalize those “I must pick my partner up at the end of the dance while the music is still playing” choreographic choices.

Heidi: Seriously, WTF?? How many dances this season have had that move where the male pro or celeb picks up his partner and carries her at the end of the dance, but while the music is still playing? Three? Four?? So far this season, it’s been done a few times and not a single bitchy lift police moment from CAI?? Clearly, the fact that the pros are doing it more often and with apparently no fear must mean that there was a memo saying they could do it. OR CAI really is the biggest hypocrite loser of all time and it’s only a rule break when Derek does it. There’s only one way to test this theory…Derek has to do it with Kellie during their Rumba. Last time he did it in a rumba was that beautiful move he and Nicole did at the end of their dance and there was a whole argument about it.

Courtney: I’ve come to think of Carrie Ann’s “lift police” as analogous to the Mexican police: they’re both dirty, they both dispense justice subjectively, and both can be bought – only Carrie Ann accepts flesh instead of dinero.  Notice that she also tossed a “warning” to Gleb for the same thing in week 2 – so I’m wondering if she feels threatened by male pros who have demonstrated no sexual interest in her, whatsoever.  Whoops, did I just say that out loud? Silly me.  :-P

Heidi: Dude, that would be ALL the male pros. :-)

Best Impersonation of Week Three: Jacoby Jones for impersonating his mother in the audience, “That’s mah baby!! That’s mah baby!!”

Heidi: Really, he cracks me up. He says some really funny stuff straight faced.

Courtney: And he just makes some funny ass faces, too. That man is pure GOLD when it comes to screen capping :-P

jacobyconfused

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “Welcome to Game of Thrones, Ballroom Edition.”

Heidi: There could be a whole lot of hidden meanings in that comment, for those of us who have watched Game of Thrones. :-)

Courtney: Wouldn’t know, cause I don’t get premium cable (I sacrificed HBO & Showtime to allocate more money to my “I’m a bougie b*tch that likes expensive hair products” budget ;-)).  But I gotta be honest: I kind of geek out a bit whenever Tom makes some reference to some other show I watch.  Like there’s some faint, tenous link between the show I blog about and one of the several shows I’d blog about if I had the time.  So you can imagine my inward fangirl squeal when he whipped out the “It’s Sons of Anarchy with sequins!” comment about Ingo’s paso doble.  Granted, Tom probably hasn’t ever WATCHED SOA, but for a second there, I got a little excited, as if to say “OMG, Tom and I BOTH watch DWTS AND SOA!!! We’re totes on the same wavelength!” :-D

Best Poorly Disguised Crush (or Pro Dancer Request FAIL): Lisa Vanderpump for her apparent crush on Derek Hough

Heidi: Mentioning you think Derek is hot once is a fluke, but repeated mentions of him in regards to looks, or who you’d dance with if you didn’t have Gleb all add up to one of two things: She has a crush OR she requested Derek and lost that battle to Kellie Pickler. The woman certainly has taste. :-)

Courtney: Lisa is just all kinds of awesome – and if Derek ever does get a yen to go cougar hunting, he’d be wise to look in her direction ;-) It does make one wonder, though – if Lisa did request Derek and didn’t get him (I don’t think she did, just because she seems so humbled by even being asked to do the show in the first place), did they then offer up Maks…and she said “No thanks”? Or did he? The whole last-minute “No Maks, but here’s this brand new male pro!” announcement still makes me wonder if there was some disagreement over partnerships…because both Lisa & Gleb seemed shocked that they brought him in at the last minute to partner her.  We’ll probably never know, but it’s interesting to speculate :-)

Heidi: Derek’s last venture into Cougar hunting didn’t work out so well. Just sayin’. :-)

The “Watch Out, It’s Contagious!” Award:  Kellie Picker, for spreading her southern accent to Tom Bergeron, her trouble with addition to Derek, and her charm/goofiness to everyone around her.

Heidi: Really, the girl is darling. Tom picks up a slight southern accent when he says “You made friends” after Kellie asked what she did -he tries to call her charming, but she talks over him a lot. The whole bit of her talking to the girls around her in the audience is adorable. Holding up her fingers for their scores is made even more hilarious by the look on Derek’s face – the look of utter concentration followed by confusion and then embarrassment.  It’s catching.  And did you know that she’s the person most likely to knock someone out?? That bit with her in the Prom Photo Booth with Derek? Also hilarious.  “You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, would ya?”  LOL.

Courtney: Only Kellie would, instead of being super duper nervous before performing a dance that she admitted hates, plop down in the audience and say “Hi! I love your hair!” to a Nicki Minaj lookalike sitting next to her.  I think it’s just her sheer nonchalance about everything that makes her so funny.  :-P

kelliedismany

The “Spray Tan Rumble” Award: Jason Gilkison and The Men of Season 16 for a very entertaining pro dance.

Heidi: Despite a couple mis-steps (Tony and Tristan) I loved this pro dance. All that testosterone!! The men show once again that when asked, they (and Jason Gilkison) choreograph much more than a bump and grind. The women have  a LOT to live up to this week.  Someone asked on twitter who would win a fight between Tony and Derek. I said Derek simply because he’s supposedly been expelled twice for fighting – he has youth and experience on his side. And Tony ruined it with that very big brotherly hug at the end. :-)

Courtney: Both the women AND the troupe need to take heed – because that was a lot of meat-and-potatoes good dancing, instead of the pelvic thrusting, shimmying, and hair-flipping that has come to dominate so many of the group dances these days.  As for who would win that fight – if we’re going off of brute strength, Tony, because the dude is like the Albanian Rambo and is pretty damn adept at hoisting women over his head; but if we’re going off of strategy, Derek, because unlike Tony, he doesn’t have a wife & kids to worry about :-P I can just see it now: Derek comes beating on Tony’s door, challenging him to a rumble, and Tony responds with “In a minute, I have to change a few diapers, read a couple bedtime stories, and vacuum the Cheerios out of the minivan…but after that, I’m totally going to kick your ass! And then probably give you a big bear hug and some milk & cookies afterward.” Oh Tony…you big harmless Albanian teddy bear, you. :-P

The “Be Careful What You Wish For” Award (aka The “Sorry I asked” Award):  To Victor Ortiz for his “I was so joking”  quick retreat after Lindsay puckers up for a kiss in the confessional.

Heidi: Poor Lindsay. Puckers up like a little fish and is soundly rejected. :-) Victor needs to be more careful talking about kisses at the end of prom if he doesn’t have the guts…or the stomach, when looking at that pucker…to follow through.  To top it off, his “I was so joking” comment was met with a solid push to the head from the often violent Lindsay (it’s not the first time she’s given him a good smack).  :-)  She’s quite the tomboy, I think.

Courtney: Oh Lindsay – you’ve got a lot to learn, honey.  Make him WORK for it – don’t just give it to him cause he asks for it.  ;-)

The Ginger Rodgers Award: To Derek, Mark, Val and Tony for knowing that the women have to do everything the men do, only backwards and in high heels.

Heidi: They also call the female pros out (rightly so) on the fact that the male celebs can go out there, shake their asses, give a big smile and get the same score as the female who executes a much more difficult dance. Right on, Boys!!  I particularly love the normally PC Derek when he practically says “give me a f#$king break, those men aren’t leading, the female pros are!!”  He’s right on target – not only do the female pros lead, but they also hold up their partners frame – I think that the women are being particularly disingenuous to claim otherwise.

Courtney: There is some truth to the male celebs getting off a bit more easily with the judges than the female celebs – the judges may take into account that the males celebs have to “lead”, but I think it has more to do with the fact that 2/3 of the panel can be swayed by a hot piece of man jiggling his junk in their general direction :-P But yeah, some of the female pros SERIOUSLY backlead – Cheryl being the biggest offender, and I’ve unfortunately seen both Peta & Lindsay guilty of it most recently.  Karina used to backlead quite a bit more in earlier seasons, but now that she’s had some more capable partners, I think she drills them harder to actually learn to lead – especially in the ballroom dances, which require a much stronger lead than the Latin ones.  I don’t think she ever had to backlead Ralph – he always looked like he knew what he was doing, as did JR & Apolo.  Gavin? Eh, he probably needed some backleading.  I think Kym also did a good job of making sure Hines was driving the boat, too, but probably had to take the reigns a bit more with partners like David Arquette.  In the end, I think all the pros are just trying to make their partners looks as presentable as possible – some are just less scrupulous than others in the methods they use.

The “Where’s that Point? I totally missed it!” Award: Cheryl Burke, for pointing to her partner getting fours are proof that the male celebs have it harder on the show.

Heidi: “Hello, my name is Cheryl and I’m being an idiot tonight. I think my Depends are too tight.” Seriously, Cheryl? Get a grip. Your partner didn’t get fours because he’s a man, he got fours because he SUCKS at dancing!! Totally out of place in the whole discussion of which gender has it harder on this show. The discussion is about dancing and since your partner doesn’t dance….well, there you go. :-)

Courtney: Not only does he not dance (and when he does try, he sucks), but you also don’t really MAKE him dance, Cheryl.  Several counts of him pointing to your legs as you kick them out rhythmically is not dancing.  Maybe if you made him do something other than step-touch, step-touch while you dance around him, he’ll actually learn how to dance, and won’t suck so badly.  There’s a fine line between trying to camoflage your partner’s weaknesses, and making him not dance at all.  Find it, and work it.

The “No Wonder We don’t Get Emmy’s for Camera Work” Award: The Muppet production team members who thought it was a good idea to point the camera directly into a huge spotlight – twice – during Demi Lovato’s performance.

Heidi: WTF?? Again I ask…you’ve been doing this for how many years and still have issues like this?? I went momentarily blind a couple times because I actually had the misfortune  of looking at the TV at the wrong time.  Look, if you can’t get it right live, do what you do a lot of the time – PRE TAPE IT. There is no shame in that for a bigger production number. Damn.

Courtney: Go home, DWTS – you’re drunk.  And you’re giving me a grand mal seizure.  :-P

The Gender Confusion Award: To whoever it is who doesn’t know that Cupid is male

Courtney: You know he’s male because he doesn’t wear a shirt with his diaper :-P Well, and the fact that it’s basically mythology 101 to know that Cupid was the SON of Venus.  But screw throwing a troupe member up there, anyway – the only bow & arrow-wielding individual I would get excited to see suspended over the dance floor is Daryl Dixon.  ;-)

Heidi: Cupid totally has a penis in every illustration I’ve seen. Maybe there’s something we don’t know about Oksana?? :-D

Bitch please

The “Master of Disguise” Award: Sasha Farber, for transitioning smoothly from bellboy to bear in 2 weeks flat

Courtney: Sasha’s chops as an actor get stretched once more, as he doffed the doggie bellboy outfit from week 1 in order to suit up to play the biker in Sean & Peta’s “YMCA” cha-cha.  I have to wonder, though – did he ASK to be the biker, or did he just draw the short straw? Because it’s kind of common knowledge that the biker is easily the most flamboyant of all of the Village People – the one most likely to illicit snickers and wise cracks about bears, tops, bottoms, and…nevermind.  The fact that Sasha looked just a little too excited to be thrusting around up there (and that he looked kind of like Mr. Slave from South Park) probably didn’t help me to take him any more seriously as a potential future pro.  And did they REALLY have to give Sean a jackhammer??? I mean, I was trying to keep my mouth shut…be as PC as possible…but it was all just too much…:-P

Heidi: Sean and a jackhammer. I believe I guffawed. :-)  Poor, poor little Sasha….bad enough he had to be the biker in the first place, but then to have that part stolen by Bruno?? Oh the humiliation. ;-) Maybe they wanted him to play cupid too, but he finally drew a line.

Bruno and Sasha

The “Ouch, did it hurt when your jokes fell flat on their face?” award: Brooke Burke, for not one, but TWO failed attempts at humor

Courtney: First, there was the opening “Yes, I did really decide to wear my hair like this!” comment that was received with awkward laughter and a strange looks from Tom, and then there was the crack about “bringing back the sideburns” in reference to Tom’s prom picture.  And the worst part: she seems to wait for a beat or two after saying these silly, unfunny things…as if she’s waiting for laughter.  No, Brooke – you get no laughter, because you are not funny.  Just…NO. Stick to the teleprompter.

Heidi: Awkwaaaard. :-) Really, honey, you have a hard enough time with the teleprompter and the voices in your head…best not try humor. You’re giving DL a run for his money…and that’s not a good thing.

DWTS Bro Trend of the Week: Pulling faces

Courtney: There was Derek’s “angry wasp” face, the many faces Jacoby pulls on a regular basis, and the strange expressions we get out of Ingo when he’s trying to dance.  Whatever it was, it seemed like EVERYONE was doing some variant of the “wasp face” – and it almost became a contest amongst the guys to see whose was the wackiest.  I think Jacoby won :-P

Heidi: Jacoby won because he was photo bombing EVERYONE. He was doing it in the background when Brooke was talking to a couple more than once.  I guess it shows this cast is tight because they are all acting CRAZY.

angrywaspface

ingopooping

giggytweeting

markalyindigestion

Worm beats Murgalo