Well, it case you hadn’t figured it out, Courtney and I got overwhelmed last week and didn’t get the cheesecake baked before the next performance show. So this week you get a supersized version – twice as b#@chy and twice as long. Well, maybe not twice as long…there aren’t that many things funny about this show any more.
The “YO! I said Shut UP!” Award: Carrie Ann Inaba whose mic wasn’t working when she was trying to critique Sean’s dancing
Heidi: I think someone’s trying to tell her something. Either Sean has magic powers or it’s not nice to diss the “family”. Or the production muppets fail again. Take your pick.
Courtney: I think they should dream up some sort of communication obstacle for her each week, just so we don’t have to listen to her self-righteous blathering. Maybe one week, she’ll have to phrase all of her critiques in pig Latin; the next week, tell her she can’t use any verbs; the following week, she will only be allowed to use hand gestures. Then I’d actually look forward to her critiques – for the pure comedy they would bring
Heidi: “You ucksay and I inkthay I awsay a iftlay!”
The “You don’t look like a screamer” Award: Lindsay, for screaming her way through the Paso Doble with Victor
Heidi: Hey! That’s totally not what I meant! You people with dirty minds. Anyway, I’m not so sure the “I’m a maniac” method works, particularly on guys like Victor. Really, screaming at the top of your lungs?? You can see her yelling through out the entire dance!
Courtney: Poor Lindsay – she’s just terribly, terribly green when it comes to being a pro. I highly doubt that if your celeb is messing up, yelling at him at progressively louder volumes is going to help. And really, if he’s screwing up that bad in the first place – you probably haven’t done your job as a pro and gotten him rehearsed enough. It’s times like these where I think to myself, “Would it have KILLED you guys to just put her in the troupe for a season or two?”
The LOL of the Week 4 Performance Show: Karina, for pulling Jacoby’s finger.
Heidi: LOL – I got nuthin’. That was just funny all on it’s own. I mean, she KNOWS better than to do that in a normal circumstance, right??
Courtney: The ever-flatulent Jacoby…ai ai ai. Yet he somehow makes photobombing & fart humor still endearing
The Three Hankie Award: Andy Dick for making just about everyone cry; Honorable Mention: Jacoby Jones for dedicating his dance to his baby and, in particular, for the song he used.
Heidi: How to prove I’m a total sap. A guy doing a dance for his daughter…or a guy doing a dance for his son…and neither being afraid to show the emotion connected to it. Dang. I tear up just writing this. I’m such a sap.
Courtney: This was really personal story week done right – two men not afraid to share how much they love their kids. Particularly Andy, who was more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him before out there. Too bad that it was extremely heartfelt routines like this that made routines about going to a Beyonce concert look kind of…superficial.
The Larry Flynt Award (a.k.a. The DWTS = Deja Vu Award): The Female Pros for living DOWN to our expectations of what an all female pro dance would look like
Heidi: We could also call it the Bourbon Street Award cuz if you’ve ever been there is a whole block dedicated to strip clubs. Really ladies?? Surely you could come up with better than the requisite hairography, bump, grind and all around pole dance moves?
Courtney: Totally predictable – lots of hair flipping, gyrating, and general “I’m too sexy for this show” face-pulling…and very little actual dancing. Of course the ladies would take the task of doing a “female pro dance” literally, and pick that god-awful Beyonce song with ridiculously simple lyrics and an irritating beat – c’mon, girls, you didn’t have to actually pick a song about being a girl. Notice the boys just picked a cool song with a good beat – it wasn’t like they came out gyrating to “Macho Man”. The costumes? Blech…red leotards and booties? Just because Beyonce did it, does not mean everyone should Add to that the fact that the myriad of blonde pros makes it nary impossible to discern who’s who during this dance, and you’ve got an endless parade of FAIL.
The “Thongs for the Memories” Award: Brooke Burke Who had a serious malfunction attempting to intro Bruno’s completely unnecessary gag piece
Heidi: That thong she had attached to the top of her dress was way too tight and was cutting off circulation to her brain. Or causing her wires to cross and short circuit. Or maybe there was just a mouth full of marbles. Not necessarily HER mouth, mind you…
Courtney: Brooke was really, really off her game these past two weeks. Lots of fumbling over words, ad-libbing fails, and general robotic-ness that made her pretty painful to watch. Why do I feel like she’s actually gotten WORSE over the seasons??? You’d think she’d have hit a groove by now…but it’s still the same awkward conversation, deer-in-the-headlights expression, and inability to be flexible beyond what’s on the teleprompter. What gives?
Heidi: Tune up needed, STAT!
The “My God, they DO read PureDWTS!!” Award: Emma Slater for saying in the BTS video that Andy was having “trouble with your TURD step”
Heidi: She was skipping the attempt at saying “third” and going straight for the Turd. Just like we do here are PureDWTS. LOL
Courtney: Always going for the lowest common denominator…totally us. Welcome to the club, Emma.
The Pro Dancer LO f#*king L Award for Week 5: Val Chmerkovskiy for “You look like a Gondola Rider” to Maks
Heidi: That whole bit was pretty hysterical and probably not meant to be funny as hell but it totally was. Both sounded like teenagers. Maks bitching about Val to Zendaya and the whole time he is stretching him out. LOL. But the best shot of all goes to Val – and he has a point. That hat was totally ridiculous and paired with the shirt? He should totally be on a gondola in Venice. And I don’t mean California.
Courtney: A lot of the sibling bickering they were doing reminded me a lot of my sister & I fighting when we were younger – both of us telling the other “You were an accident. Mom & dad didn’t mean to have you!!!” And then each one of us threatening to tell on the other with mom/dad…and then making fun of each other’s clothes, hair, facial expression, etc. Classic
The Award for the Person Most Likely to Find Themselves in a Harry Potter Spin Off: Len Goodman in his “find your dance” segment
Heidi: Seriously. Whimsical? Check. Lighthearted? Check. Acting like he’s Dumbledore on ‘shrooms? Check. Still Grumpy Goodman at heart? Check. All he needs is a pointy hat, a robe with moons and stars, a long beard and an evil Nemesis. Harry Potter and the Wizard of Dance. Andy Dick stars as Harry, who is forced to “find his dance” in order to save the wizarding world from certain destruction.
Courtney: For all I knew, that could have been an erectile dysfunction commerical, with as random as it was to see an elderly gentleman just kind of cheerfully prattling on about nothing, interspersed with the same man just doing a random assortment of activities that have nothing to do with what he’s talking about. I’m becoming increasingly confused & irritated with these weekly segments they’ve been doing with the judges…just stop. Please. They are painfully un-funny.
Heidi: Hahahaha….reading this back and I realized….”Andy DICK as Harry…” Bwahahahaha…totally unintended dirtiness.
The Award for Cleverly Crafting a Bollywood Routine for 60-year olds: Selena Gomez, for the “dance” performance during the Week 5 performance show
Heidi: Really? What the hell WAS that?? Not only was that NOT dancing, but that wasn’t even good lip syncing!! What a shame. A couple years ago Selena was on and actually sang – not great, mind you, but she SANG. This time they turned on her mic just long enough so we could hear her breathe hard into it after all that “dancing”. Take note, Zendaya. This could be you in a couple years. If Disney has their way, this WILL be you in a couple years.
Courtney: All that fanfare of the Bollywood costumes & backup dancers for basically nothing – Selena just lip-syncing, poorly, with a blank expression on her face. This is something to aspire to? As far as I’ve seen, the only thing worth note that this girl has done is date Bieber. Zen, honey, are you SURE you want to be the “next big thing” out of Disney? Because I don’t know that it’s really working all that well for your predecessor…
Heidi: Yeah, and I’m pretty sure she’s not allowed in India either.
Best Bromance of Season 16: Sean and Tristan
Heidi: I kept waiting for a tear-stained “I Love you Man!!” from Sean, followed by just general confusion from Tristan “I dunnah ken what yer sayin’?”
Courtney: Just adorbs…to the point where it’s actually making me like Sean more.