Week 7 was actually so bad that I (Heidi) couldn’t come up with very many awards. I was overwhelmed. And not in a good way.
The “Who’s That Girl??” Award: Sharna Burgess for looking strikingly different in the rehearsal footage than she does on the actual show.
Heidi: She’s seriously naturally gorgeous without the make up – I think prettier without it. I think it’s the uniqueness of the dark hair and the blue eyes. Let’s hope she keeps it that way. For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT dye your hair blonde, Sharna. I know the temptation may be over whelming, but RESIST. Blonde females are a dime a dozen on that show.
Courtney: I think the makeup department may be to blame in this instance – they just love to over-smoke her eyes, just like they love to over-line Peta’s eyes, and put nude lipstick on Lindsay to make it look like she has no mouth. They have an uncanny way of making naturally gorgeous ladies look totally over-done. And as for the blondes – it’s times like this where I really miss Anna. I could always spot her red hair whipping around in that sea of blonde
The Award for Person Most likely to Earn a Punch in the Mouth (a.k.a. If you don’t STFU, I’m going to hit you HARD): Len Goodman, Sean Lowe and Ingo Rademacher for the constant mentions of Andy’s name, sometimes in a derrogatory way (Len).
Heidi: Seriously, you jackasses are that threatened by Andy?? Pissing me off, you were. Perhaps you too noticed all the females surround Andy after his dances….Kellie, Sharna, Kym, to name a few. Not to mention Derek is always high fiving him. Me thinks you dudes are jealous. Don’t know what Len’s problem was – they showed on the results show that they scored Sean because he was “better than Andy.” What the hell??
Courtney: Methinks Sean & Ingo realized that Andy was quickly nipping at their heels in terms of ability – he was improving each week, while they were…languishing. Plus Andy was gaining popularity, while they were…maybe not. Andy may not have always been a stellar dancer, but he was definitely not fading into the woodwork like either of them. As for Len – he’s just a horrible human being. That’s the conclusion I’ve reached.
The Award for Person Most in Need of A Mirror….and a new lamp….and a glimpse at his Birth Certificate: Mark Ballas, for not only wearing his hat (with what looked to be a penis on it) cocked to the side like he’s all thug, but for wearing hammer pants and having gauges in his ears; (Dis)Honorable Mention: Will.i.am – same reason.
Heidi: Really dude?? You’re pushing 30 and you’re totally a white boy born and raised in London….and not the ‘hood portion. Justin Bieber…who is what? Eight years younger than you? He looks stupid as hell in those outfits and he’s a kid. You, are an adult. And I totally kept thinking you had a penis on your hat. At least Will.i.am always looks stupid – you come to expect it. But Mark, you’re a good looking dude (I prefer blondes, but I can acknowledge it ) – why’d you have to ruin it with bizarro costuming even when you’re not performing??
Courtney: I feel like Mark thinks it’s still 2001 and Sum 41 and New Found Glory are still ruling the airwaves. And Lord knows what was going through Will’s head – that whole performance looked like a robotic bar mitzvah for MC Hammer, held in outer space. Mazel tov, I guess?
The Blow Harder Award: To the Female Pros Dancing Around Stevie Wonder and blowing him kisses.
Heidi: Yo….Stevie is BLIND. Just sayin’.
Courtney: Poor Stevie probably just wondering why there was a sudden breeze.
Can’t See the Tree (trunks) for the Forest Award: Karina Smirnoff for guiding Jacoby up the steps into the audience to dance with him.
Heidi: That’s a rather clever way of hiding some pretty bad footwork. Who can see his legs with all those other legs surrounding him?
Courtney: Apparently Len, who will fabricate things to bitch about even if he can’t see them.
The Pro Dancer Line ‘O the Night (Week 6): Derek Hough for staring into the camera at his (fake) mustache and saying, “I wanna build a SHELF!”
Heidi: Hey, if it turns you on, do it. I thought that was pretty hilarious and he went on and on about it. I guess those boys put on those costumes and they all went into an alternate universe…and psyched out the other team and won the team dance against all odds. Dirk Diggler beats Futuristic Paso Poor Retread ANY DAY.
Courtney: The guys from team samba may have all looked like John Holmes/Tom Selleck/registered sex offenders, but the mustaches played…and they played WELL. Can’t say that having a mustache would make me want to build a shelf, though – I may have opted to go flip over a car, pee standing up, or catcall at ladies walking past the construction site. But hey, to each his own
The Brooke-bot Short Circuit Award: Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler for pushing the bot right to the edge by refusing to answer her questions and being totally random during the results show.
Heidi: I seriously thought Brooke was on the verge of losing her temper. It was hilarious. I thought she was going to start waving her arms and saying “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!” Or better still, “Incorrect answer, this device will self destruct in 5…4….3….”
Kellie, “Karina is making faces…”
Brooke, “How do you feel…”
Kellie, “I don’t know…hey, stop that….”
Derek: “The mustache will make a reappearance….”
Courtney: Good LAWD, she was flustered. I loved it
The Bumper FAIL Award: Cheryl Burke and dance partner “James” for their bumper dancing during the results show.
Heidi: What the hell was that?? Beside poorly rehearsed, unsteady and sloppy?? Lord, they totally blew the ending. I thought it was two amateurs.
Courtney: Actually, if we’re being accurate – his name is actually spelled “Jaymz”. I’m serious. Minus 10 cool points for “Jaymz” right off the bat for having a uneccessarily weird & hipster spelling to his name…which puts us at -30 for Jaymz, since he lost 10 points for his constant presence in the pro dances, despite not being a pro or a member of the troupe (you’d think if he were really worth it, they would have at least thrown him in the troupe by now) and another 10 for this turd of a bumper.
James Jamyz Jaymz, just quit while you’re (sort of) ahead.
Heidi: Jaymz?? Kiss. Of. Death.
The Weekly “My God, he’s one of us!!!” Award: Olly Murs, for mocking the female troupe members at the end of “Troublemaker”
Courtney: Olly Murs mocks the ridiculous choreography of the female troupe members. Olly Murs is good people
Heidi: He was either mocking them…or desperately trying to get laid. I honestly wasn’t sure. I’m leaning toward mocking, because surely he’s not so stupid to think what he was doing was going to result in a little action.
Best “Hype Guy” for a contestant: Peanut Rademacher, for generally being the only reason we really look forward to seeing Ingo
Courtney: I make no secret that I was pretty much over Ingo and his well-meaning but awkward attempts at dancing after week 2 – but in the past few weeks, I’ve actually been looking forward to seeing him, for the simple reason that it means we also get to see Peanut, quite possibly the most hip and interesting spawn of a celeb that we’ve ever seen in the audience of DWTS. The kid is constantly saying funny sh*t, doing funny sh*t, and seems to be making friends with just about EVERYONE – hell, he even appears to be Jacoby’s right-hand man now. “See you at the afterparty!”??? My god, the kid has a more exciting social life than I do.
Heidi: I’m telling you, that kid is in with EVERYONE and he’s a better judge than any of those clowns sitting at the judges table.
Most Ill-Conceived Compliment from a Judge: Carrie Ann telling Jacoby he could “fart the salsa”
Courtney: Carrie Ann always seems to come up with the most cringe-worthy comments – and that’s saying something, considering Len & Bruno have been pretty damn cringe-worthy themselves this season, especially with regards to Andy. But what’s most disturbing about CAI’s comments is that they all seem to revolve around bodily functions – I recall a comment about “pooping out cells” that she made to Nicole, and then there was this gem…although it’s probably a pretty apt description for Jacoby, who does seem to hold the dubious honor of being the most flatulent member of this season’s cast. Not that he’s ashamed…his granny taught him that if you hold it in, you’ll die, so you’re better off just lettin’ it rip.
Heidi: Hey…my dad always said that was true. You hold it in, you die. But Tom’s reaction was the best of all, which leads me to…
Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: In response to CAI saying “I’m telling the truth” Tom says, “Yeah, the truth in your HEAD.”
Heidi: LOL – that pretty much sums it up, Tom. The whole time she was talking he was making faces…I think at one point he even said “REALLY?” incredulously. That’s our Tom. He was having a bit of a dry spell up until that moment.
Courtney: I’m getting the feeling more & more that even Tom is getting fed up with the shenanigans – the judges being crack-addled bozos, Brooke fumbling over the teleprompter, the constant “let’s try something new”, etc. Basically everything we get annoyed about, too It just further drives the point home that he may really be “one of us”. Poor guy – he finally wins an Emmy and the show basically goes to sh*t.
The Double Edges Sword Award: Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler, for winning immunity and subsequently becoming completely invisible AND in third place on the leader board.
Heidi: I think those two are the only ones who can WIN something and still manage to get totally screwed. So, they tie with Aly but since they are ahead in points, they win immunity…but they lose because they get NO face time on the results show (you literally don’t see Derek live at all until the very end – he could have gone bar hopping) AND they end up in third place on the leader board….which means they fall to a rather distant second to Zendaya in cumulative score, which could end up being important later on, if TPTB include those points…which you know they will. To top it off, the immunity win doesn’t even get them the encore dance – it goes to Aly and Mark for an inferior dance. Unbelievable. I’m actually starting to wonder if TPTB really ARE that Machiavellian. But then my logical side tells me they’re really just STOOPID.
Courtney: This week just all-around made my head AND my heart hurt. The latter due to Andy’s departure (and just how deviously it was engineered), and the former due to the wackiness of the whole immunity dance – I kept going back & forth over whether it would be better to get immunity, or get the extra points…and since I don’t think Kellie would have been in danger of leaving even if she hadn’t gotten immunity OR didn’t win an immunity dance, I’m leaning towards the “immunity” pass actually being a thinly-veiled disadvantage. Bah…it all just sucks, anymore…and now I don’t have Andy to make me smile I haz a sad…
The “Crack is Whack” Award, Week 7: Carrie Ann Inaba for general, all around assholery; (Dis)Honorable Mention to TPTB for putting a Mic on Jacoby’s mom
Heidi: Seriously? Yeah, we already gave her an award for the fart thing, but there’s the 5 she gave to Andy for a lift which she didn’t call in her critique and the deduction she DIDN’T give Sean when she DID call him out for a lift. You aren’t going to tell me she was going to give him a 9, are you?? Times like this when their agenda shows – can’t deduct points from him, we want ANDY to leave. Which is also why Ingo won the dance off. Then there bizarro raving over Aly to the point than I thought she would fall off her chair again…and following it up with a 10 for a dance that wasn’t even close to Kellie’s that she gave a 9 to. I could go on and on but thinking about week 7 just makes me tired. And bored. And it’s almost time for Once Upon a Time. Oh, and really – putting a mic on Jacoby’s mom?? WTF?? Are you so desperate for cute sound bites? What next? Putting a mic on Jacoby’s ass so we can hear the farts everyone keeps talking about???
Courtney: Well I think everyone hear knows how I feel about Carrie Ann – she blocked me on Twitter over a year ago because I dared to voice my opinions about her credentials. So yeah, nothing she does ever surprises me anymore – pisses me off, yes, because she’s both two-faced and incompetent, but I guess that’s just her nature. Very insecure, easily threatened – especially by attractive female contestants. As for Jacoby’s mom – eh, I guess I’d rather listen to her threatening Len with bodily harm than I would listening to Carrie Ann go on about nothing. Although if they REALLY wanted some entertaining sound bytes…they should mic Peanut up this week. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “the peanut gallery”, no?
The Celeb LOL of the Week: Jacoby Jones for “I’m not a quarterback” and “My grandma said if you hold it in you die.”
Heidi: Bwahahahaha…..the dude cracks me up. Be sure to watch his face when every he’s sitting behind someone in the skybox. It’s a never ending smorgasbord of funny faces.
Courtney: Jacoby Jones = black Jim Carey. Like, seriously – I don’t know how he pulls some of the faces he does, and how he’s able to pull out something new & different each time. And the sh*t he says just cracks me up – he may not be as charming as Donald (who was a bit too PG for me, at times) or as calm & collected as Hines (who bored me from time to time), but man, this guy is a HOOT to watch, whether he’s dancing or not.
The Tasty Feet Award: Val Chmerkovskiy for his inability to say anything during the second half of week 7 without sounding like a complete ass.
Heidi: Yeah, Val, best to just STFU. Look at the faces of the people around you when you’re talking…and look at Derek, behind you too. The fact that he even has a reaction is rather telling, dude. Worst of all – you’re all bullshit. Everyone has gone on record saying everyone was making deals about who was dancing what against who ahead of time. You just make yourself look bad, dude.
Courtney: Again, I reiterate: when in doubt, just remember “WWSBS?” As in “What would Sabrina Bryan say?” And the answer is almost always something along the lines of “Everyone is just so good this season, I honestly can’t pick a favorite, I wish they all could stay!!!” Just let the rainbows shoot out of your ass like Jacoby does flatulence. Or, just don’t say anything at all. Mystique, my dear Val – you should have just said “We pick Jacoby & Karina” and then fall silent, and let everyone’s mouth drop and think “OMG, WTF are they doing???? Sh*t just got interesting!!!!”