Dancing with the Stars 19, Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!!
Well, lookie here…for one week, at least, Courtney and I are in a “mood”. Duck and cover, and sensitive readers beware – we spare almost no one, most of the time.
Why I want to do dancing with the stars: What the Women were REALLY Saying:
Janel: Cuz I’m Hawaiian and mama needs a showmance.
Sadie: They won’t let me dance in Louisiana and religious girls don’t suck…at dancing.
Lolo: They let me dance but I sucked real bad. And that gave me a sad.
Lea: I danced great but ballet man said I was short and plain. Suck it, Misha.
Bethany: People were mean to me and now they can suck it.
Betsy: I can do the splits better then any of these young chicks; in my head I’m a Rockette.
Why I want to do dancing with the stars: What the Men were REALLY Saying:
Alfonso: Because there’s more glitter than on the biggest loser.
Tommy: The wife is more impressed by amazing dance moves than smoke clouds from the weed.
Tavis: I’m not serious! Blah blah blah gravitas blah blah blah gravitas blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah dammit. :::zzzzz:::
Antonio: I wanted to revive my career for years, and this is just the show to do it.
Jonathan: I miss my dad.
Randy: Fighters are people too. Agree with me or I kill you.
Michael: Bill Engvall got to dance with hot chicks. I can dance with hot chicks too.
Biggest missed opportunity for Tom Bergeron: saying the line “We’re going to hear from the men and find out why they wanted more ballroom… In their lives.”
Heidi: He totally paused after the word “ballroom”!!! On purpose, or was it Freudian?? Or is this a case of me hearing the joke about ball room from Derek more than once? Or am I just a pervert? 🙂
Courtney: Are you kidding? It was totally on purpose 😛 Tom thinks on his feet better than any other tv host I know – nothing he does is accidental. He’s like the Bobby Fischer of live television innuendo.
The “Rob Wade is a GENIUS” Award: For letting us see Derek Hough’s casting video.
Heidi: Thanks, dude. That was like the best, funniest thing ever (except to Derek, maybe). Now do it again – I want to see Tony, Karina, Cheryl and Mark. 😀 And while you’re at it, if you’re going to do the switch up again, it would be nice if you actually thought it out and then counted ALL the votes.
Courtney: I think they should pull out some of the pros’ old competition vids, too – I can think of a few showdances that Tony would probably cringe to see rehashed on national television, and I remember Cheryl had some pretty bad competition hair & makeup. And there’s prepubescent Mark, and pre-rhinoplasty Karina, who was constantly having to deal with the dancefloor bravado of Paul, Louis, & Slavik. Yep…let’s Twitter vote THAT sh*t, Rob. 🙂
The “Rob Wade is a Douche” Award: For axing the British voice telling us what the couple is dancing, and the opening theme.
Heidi: Well, it can’t be all good. 🙂 And what’s the fun of this post with out a bit of schizophrenia? Seriously, I like that British voiced dude! He couldn’t have been that expensive!
Courtney: Do we for sure know that the voice has been permanently axed? If we pitch a big enough fit here at Pure (*waves at Rob and Co., who are undoubtedly lurking for the fanf*ckingtastic ideas we give them…free of charge*), who knows – it might come back. Either that or I will use my newfound powers of witchcraft to influence the choices they may…anybody got any chicken bones? Eye of newt? Cause me, Heidi, & Vogue are a coven, y’all. A Maks fan told us so. 🙂
Heidi: A coven with bitchin’ cocktails, of course. And a live band on Saturdays. Bitches be jellus. 😀
The Man Behind the Curtain Award for Lack of Subtlety: The Video Montage Editor Who did the Opening Credits
Heidi: Really dude? Out of all the stuff you have to show from opening night we get two audience members gushing over Alfonso (warranted), two friends of Janel gushing over her and Val, and a bit from Janel and Val in the sky box talking about their showmance? Gag me. And all this after the hints from night one, including a tweet hoping for a showmance. I swear, you people are 15 year old girls at heart. At least you threw in bits about Bethany, Tommy and Sadie. But please quit trying to make Vajanel happen! To make matters worse, one of the Janel bits was from DanicaNotADancer bitching about Janel’s scores. Who you trying to convince here? Us or the judges? Or both?
Courtney: Poor Danicanotadancer – still being used as a pawn in the Chmercocky faction’s political machinations. But yeah – that montage was RIDICULOUSLY Vajanel-heavy. To the point where I’m tempted to call her Janelnotashowmancer, because like Danicanotadancer last season, who fought tooth-and-nail to make people believe she didn’t have dance experience, Janelnotashowmancer is trying like hell to make us believe that she and Val have fallen madly into love in just a few weeks – but she still has a bf, y’all. But only when people are calling her out on the showmancing. 🙂 Just fuggin’ DANCE, you nincompoops. So far, that strategy seems to be working for Alfonso…and Lea…and Sadie…and Bethany…and Randy…the list goes on. Just say no to showmances, kids.
Things That Make You Go “Hmmmmm….”, Week 1: The Complete and Total Absence of Meryl and Maks from any and all packages
Heidi: Despite what I say above about them being transparent as hell, ya have to wonder why they didn’t placate last season’s shippermanics. Sure, we saw them if we looked hard – but you had to look hard and they weren’t included in any of the Results show videos (not that I missed them, I said a silent prayer of thanks at their absence). Did the producers think the Janel ravings were better from her friends and Val’s ex-partner? Or are they trying to FORCE people to move on to this season’s showmance by ignoring last season’s? Here’s a thought…FOCUS ON DANCING. Or in Janel’s case, mugging.
Courtney: I think Rob & Co. have quickly learned that Maksyl fans are not necessarily the breed of fOkan that they want to appease – they’re volatile, persistent, and have a one-track mind. They will (allegedly) only watch if Maks & Meryl are allowed to reenter the competition, are given the encore every week, are given their very own two-hour holiday special, and are given a Bachelor/Bachelorette-style televised wedding special. And yet, they all seem to know exactly what is going on at the show, as it happens, despite their “boycott”. Methinks a certain shipper group has got more than a few screws loose 😉 But yeah – with as much of a dog and pony show as last season was, with regards to that showmance…you’d think they’d at least capitalize on it just a tad. But then again, as you say, Heidi – maybe Vajanel is the new Maksyl, and they simply can’t afford to have anything distracting from the over-the-top love affair that is Vajanel.
Most Adorable (If Not Slightly Creepy) Bromance: Michael Waltrip, for fanboying over Bill Engvall’s storied DWTS run whenever he can
Courtney: Ok, I think it’s kind of cute how much Mike talks about Bill’s run on DWTS a year ago and how he wants to go all the way like Bill. He’s got Emma (check), he’s an adorably bad but very enthusiastic dancer (check), he’s got a slightly bawdy sense of self-deprecating humor (check), and he’s got a bit of southern charm (check). Sure, it can seem a bit stan-ish, but considering that Bill is one of my favorite contestants on the show ever, I can think of worse individuals for Mike to emulate…*cough*ALL-STAR GILLES*cough**cough*JALEEL*cough*cough*…
Heidi: Hell, he’s even got the Julianne “I wanna dance with you cuz you’re like my Dad” vibe going on like Bill did. We gotta love Michael. And really, he and Bill are a match made in heaven. When you look at a certain screencap, below, can there be any doubt that Bill and Michael are cut from the same cloth?
lol at the last bit with tommy . As a side note talking about vajanel in four weeks she has posted over 50 ig pics and tweet pics of val now I may go as far as saying that is weird and he is as bad. Nobody is talking about their dancing its all about the are they aren’t they , which makes me wanna poke my eyes out with a knitting needle tbh. I love cheesecake :))
OMG!! You both are so funny and ROTFL to the “coven” making the cheesecake!! Those screencaps are so fun too! Hilarious EVERYTHING! Thanks for making me laugh!!!xxxx
Oh.My.Gosh! Yummy, yummy Cheesecake! Been waiting for this! The pics and their captions are a riot, per usual! And you saved the best for last! Awesome, ROTFL! (wiping tiny tears) Thank you, Princess Heidi and Courtney!
hahaha my favorite posts are the cheesecake awards!
From what I heard, Janel has a boyfriend (Payson Lewis — he has tons of photos of them on his twitter page) so this whole showmance thing is ridiculous. I actually really like Janel on PLL but on DWTS, I’ve gotten turned off already.
Genius ladies!! Loved the commentary and the last pic was priceless!
This was hilarious and I loved the why the want to do DWTS translations. Alfonso’s was mean but hilarious. 🙂
The Cheescake Awards, yaaayyy!!!! You guys never cease to dissapoint, thank you for all that you do.
Where have you been keeping the name Vajanel? It is BRILLIANT!!!!!!
Mean? He said he wanted to lose fat. We were just paraphrasing. 🙂
“Never cease to disappoint” I sure hope that was unfortunate typo. 🙂
@Princess Heidi- Ha that’s true. I forgot he said he wanted to lose weight.
Thank you! I really missed the Cheesecake.
Yeah for the cheesecakes – thank you ladies or should we now call you the coven.
I personally do not want to hear about MnM again this season and am already sick of the Vajanel – teehee love the last screencap.
Thanks for the laughs.
The cheesecake awards were hilarious Thanks for doing them You guys really made me laugh and today I really needed it
Love it!
I hope the coven is working on a witches brew of antibiotics to get rid of Vajanel, permanently. I did notice Janel’s boyfriend going out of his way to post pics of the two of them on his twitter, of course Janel didn’t retweet it on her own twitter feed. The point being what, that she’s not really with Val, she’s just a trollop for acting like it? Well they sure showed us, not.
I want to see those original audition tapes, as well as old competition clips too. That’s just gold to see every week.
Thank you for the cheesecake, PH and Courtney! It’s been a long time, but so worth the wait! Love it all, but especially the screen caps! You two are geniuses! (and real witchy!)
Ah, Cheesecake Awards, I have missed thee. Thanks for the laugh this morning.
Thanks for my Monday morning PURE entertainment. These Cheesecake Awards did not disappoint.
Thank you for the CHEESE! Love it!
Thank you, peoples. 🙂
Yummy return to Cheesecake! No complaints for whatever reason the most screentime devoted to a past, charismatic danceteam was awarded to Joey & Kym. 🙂 I particularly got a hoot out of the translations and Vajanel itch cream!
“Vajanel itch cream” — made me laugh all over again.
There are strong and believable rumors that Maks and DWts split wasn’t that amicable because he really wanted the judging gig and maybe was under the impression that he is getting it and then we all know what happened.
(of course good old Val said he showed up because Meryl asked him to 😉 ) So I am no surprised he (them) are getting somewhat airbrushed from dwts history.
I had a hunch that he really wanted the judging post(wasn’t there an item where he and his PR Lizard)were seen at the studio huddled with the DWTS bosses in a meeting? He probably asked for a lot of money and DWTS told him to get out. It must positively rankle that Julianne got the nod instead(more resentment towards the Houghs).
I am still waiting for him to start his “Movie Career” since Lizard said that it is his main goal right now. However, seeing that his soap opera thingy did not pan out I am not holding my breath for his Oscar nomination.
HOORAY for Cheesecake! The yummiest part of any DWTS season 😀
Thank you ladies! Especially enjoyed the tasty screencaps =D
Very funny! My favorite, perhaps,”Bill Engvall got to dance with hot chicks. I can dance with hot chicks too.” I think there may be a lot of truth to that one!
So glad to see Cheesecake back! Great way to start the day and laugh. Those pictures were priceless. Thank you ladies! Hope to see more in the future.
I’m dying right now. Best pic had to be the cheech one
Ah, love it! A big ol’ slice of imPURE Cheesecake to go with my lunch 😀 Thank you PH and Court!!
So glad you witchy women were feeling it this week. Hope TPTB don’t wipe out your enthusiasm by slathering us with vajanel. That stuff is toxic to anyone with a brain.
On a serious note, I think we need to riot for the return of the disembodied British voice.
Cheesecake! It’s sinfully delicious. And missed.
Thank you for the screen cap of CarrieAnn’s sliding ass buffoonery on the chair. The very first show and she’s already resorting to the falling off the chair bit!
Yes Cidra, let us do a very proper, civilized riot whilst we have a cuppa with some biscuits. Bring back disembodied, upper class, properly enunciating, couple announcer chap or we shall riot you most thoroughly. Cheerio!
I oddly don’t miss the creepy dinodied British voice.but I have to wonder if the little blurb aboutn what dance so and so has is is used in close captioning too.
Disembodied
That was a great slice of cheesecake. Poor Keo did look like he was having a prostate exam most of the show. Lolo looked like she was having a pap done by the hulk. So they did match! Urg this whole ValJanel crap this early in the season, barf. Some please stop making them apper on my screen.
Ypu are too funny however I disagree about Maksyl shippers. I am one of them but did’t find myself in the whole description you made. I am not boycotting the show since I simply love it and just because Meryl and Maks are not in it I will not be watching it. In the contrary I hope they will still be DWTs in many years. All the ship and Maksyl is sone just for fun and if you forget some of their commens they are really funny. Moreover, May I ask something ? Why did this kind of war between Maks’fans and Derek’fans began ? Like seriously the two parts are harsh on the other one and I just don’t get it. I agree that Maks was really mean in his early years but it felt like he had changed no ? And why do they even hate Derek, this guy is so talented he doesn’t deserve it. See; some Maksyl shippers actually come to this site too because I genuinely find that you have excellent feedbacks