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DWTS Season 17, Week 4 – Cheesecake Bytes

Well, we have just a bit of cheesecake for you this week…

The Award for Petard Hoisted Pro, Week 4: Val Chmerkovskiy, for failing the Elizabeth stare down

Heidi: LOL – Val was so uncomfortable, it was written all over his face. The continual need to talk while Elizabeth was having her moment is a sure sign of extreme discomfort. I almost felt bad for him. But then I remember to cringe inducing rumba contemporary night with Kelly Monaco and got over it real quick like. :-) Really dude, after all the deep gazing with Kelly designed to highlight your faux romance (dude, do you DATE?) and making even Bergeron uncomfortable, you earned this cringe inducing moment.

Courtney: Elizabeth is…special.  :-) I know she’s kinda into method acting, hence this exercise in “connection” with Val, but staring deeply into someone’s eyes is a rather intimate activity – and I’m not sure it’s one that is really going to help a dance partnership.  That, and I think Val was getting a bit impatient – which I can’t really blame him for, since I think they could have benefitted with an additional 45 minutes rehearsal time instead of…whatever this was.  But yeah – I do agree with Heidi that it felt like a bit of karmic backlash from a year ago, when we couldn’t get the image of Kelly & Val looking all smoochy-smoochy off of our television screens :-P

The “Oh just shut UP, already!!” Award for Inability to Keep the Trap SHUT: Christina Milian, for her constant talking during the judges critique

Heidi: I mean REALLY, STFU!!! “Uh huh, uh huh, got you, I understand…” blah, blah, blah, BLAH!! Lord have mercy, woman, shut it!! Elizabeth is a bit strange, but seems nice, but Christina? My sense is that she overestimates her own importance and the importance of her words. Not only is that a VERY annoying habit she has there, it’s also a sign, IMO, of basic disrespect. Like if she keeps telling them she gets it, maybe they’ll stop talking. Your turn to talk is over, sweetheart, let the judges have their turn without the responses.

Courtney: What I found REALLY interesting was not so much her constant need to interrupt – but her expressions and body language in between.  Girl was staring some serious daggers in the judges’ direction – particularly when Carrie Ann & Julianne were talking.  Is Christina this season’s Regina George? Methinks she & Leah are about neck-and-neck for that title… Read more..

October 12, 2013 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS Season 17, Week 1 – Cheesecake Bytes

For those of you new to this site, every season we have a feature called “The Cheesecake Awards” – you can read past installments by clicking the icon on the right side of the page. These awards are meant to be silly, ironic, funny, bitchy…you name it, they come in all varieties.  As I mentioned in another post, we are going to do smaller cheesecake awards this season, as they occur to us through the week. This would be installment 1, since nothing occurred to us earlier in the week. :-)  And, as I say every season, if you are a particularly sensitive fangirl (or boy) you might want to read with some caution. We take shots at everyone sooner or later. :-) You’ve been warned.

The Award for Biggest Crater in a Cut Out: Cheryl Burke for her “innie.”

Heidi: Talk about mesmerizing. I’m sure that’s a normal sized belly button but it looked massive. I think the odd (and completely unnecessary and totally unflattering) cutout probably went a long way to emphasizing something that…shouldn’t have been. Very distracting. Someone could fall into that and get hurt.

Courtney: That dress was just a visual nightmare for me – like one of those damn Magic Eye posters from the mid-90s that every kid in my class could see except me.  I just couldn’t make sense of it – it wasn’t the worst dress we’ve seen her in, but it wasn’t the best, either; the combo of the sparkly stripes and the nude mesh just sat funny with me.  You’d think vertical stripes would be slimming, but in this case, it actually seemed to widen her – sometimes patterns of any sort just don’t transfer well to tv.  But yeah – it did seem to make her belly button look oddly cavernous.  Didn’t she used to have a belly ring? I think this may have been one instance in which it may have helped to wear it.

The Award for Most Improved Hairstyle: Cheryl Burke

Heidi: Seriously, I can’t believe no one has mentioned it. She’s very nearly back to the best hairstyle she ever had, circa Season 3-ish. That’s a great hairstyle for her – hope she stays away from the overly long extensions and bangs.

Courtney: Word – I’m over ANY of the female pros being overly-extensioned – and last season, the biggest offenders seemed to be Cheryl & Peta.  But I actually really liked Cheryl’s hair circa season 3-4 – it wasn’t the short-cropped, dramatically-layered ‘do she was still sporting from her competition days, but it wasn’t the totally weaved-up, impossibly long “I’m so Hollywood now” ‘do of some of the later seasons.  Just a very simple, face-flattering shoulder-length bob…and it actually moved really nicely, too, when she was dancing with Jack.  Holy crap…am I actually LIKING Cheryl this season? :-P

Heidi: Dude, it’s week ONE. :-D

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “My taser doesn’t reach that far” in regard to Bruno and his antics around the dancers.

Heidi: Seriously, putting Bruno next to all those hot male pros is like putting…well, Carrie Ann next to all those hot male pros. :-) Who thought this would be a good idea? NONE of the dancers liked it – none of them. In fact, every single one mentioned it after the show.   Bruno is easily distracted enough as it is…put him in flopping-on distance of Derek, Val, Mark, Tristan, et al, not to mention the good looking celebs is a recipe for future disaster. Tom really IS going to need a taser.  Did you notice how Derek started out at that end of the couch and was at the other end by the second segment?? :-)  I wonder how much shoving there is during the commercial break to get the seat farthest from Bruno’s roving….everything. :-)

Courtney: Any bets on how long it will be before someone, be it celeb, pro, or judge, sustains some bench-related injury as a result of Bruno’s spastic behavior? :-P Like seriously, I could see him flailing about in ecstasy after some particularly steamy dance, and then losing his balance and toppling into the bench full of contestants…probably onto a rather chagrined Tristan, who seems to be the most no-nonsense of the group.  I can picture it now “For the turd time, Bruno, this has got to stop!!!”

Heidi: I’m sure it would be a total accident…hahahaha…..

Hehehe….

billteevee1

Heh…just noticed in the pic below that it looks like Jack is eyeing Brooke’s boobs. :-D

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nobodylikespeta1

September 22, 2013 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS Season 16, Weeks 6 and 7 – The Cheesecake Awards, SUPERSIZED!!

Week 7 was actually so bad that I (Heidi) couldn’t come up with very many awards. I was overwhelmed. And not in a good way. :-)

WEEK 6

The “Who’s That Girl??” Award: Sharna Burgess for looking strikingly different in the rehearsal footage than she does on the actual show.

Heidi: She’s seriously naturally gorgeous without the make up – I think prettier without it. I think it’s the uniqueness of the dark hair and the blue eyes. Let’s hope she keeps it that way. For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT dye your hair blonde, Sharna. I know the temptation may be over whelming, but RESIST. Blonde females are a dime a dozen on that show.

Courtney: I think the makeup department may be to blame in this instance – they just love to over-smoke her eyes, just like they love to over-line Peta’s eyes, and put nude lipstick on Lindsay to make it look like she has no mouth.  They have an uncanny way of making naturally gorgeous ladies look totally over-done.  And as for the blondes – it’s times like this where I really miss Anna.  I could always spot her red hair whipping around in that sea of blonde :-(

The Award for Person Most likely to Earn a Punch in the Mouth (a.k.a. If you don’t STFU, I’m going to hit you HARD): Len Goodman, Sean Lowe and Ingo Rademacher for the constant mentions of Andy’s name, sometimes in a derrogatory way (Len).

Heidi: Seriously, you jackasses are that threatened by Andy?? Pissing me off, you were. Perhaps you too noticed all the females surround Andy after his dances….Kellie, Sharna, Kym, to name a few. Not to mention Derek is always high fiving him.  Me thinks you dudes are jealous. Don’t know what Len’s problem was – they showed on the results show that they scored Sean because he was “better than Andy.” What the hell??

Courtney: Methinks Sean & Ingo realized that Andy was quickly nipping at their heels in terms of ability – he was improving each week, while they were…languishing.  Plus Andy was gaining popularity, while they were…maybe not.  Andy may not have always been a stellar dancer, but he was definitely not fading into the woodwork like either of them.  As for Len – he’s just a horrible human being.  That’s the conclusion I’ve reached.

The Award for Person Most in Need of A Mirror….and a new lamp….and a glimpse at his Birth Certificate: Mark Ballas, for not only wearing his hat (with what looked to be a penis on it) cocked to the side like he’s all thug, but for wearing hammer pants and having gauges in his ears; (Dis)Honorable Mention: Will.i.am – same reason.

Heidi: Really dude?? You’re pushing 30 and you’re totally a white boy born and raised in London….and not the ‘hood portion.  Justin Bieber…who is what? Eight years younger than you? He looks stupid as hell in those outfits and he’s a kid. You, are an adult.  And I totally kept thinking you had a penis on your hat.  At least Will.i.am always looks stupid – you come to expect it. But Mark, you’re a good looking dude (I prefer blondes, but I can acknowledge it :-) ) – why’d you have to ruin it with bizarro costuming even when you’re not performing??

Courtney: I feel like Mark thinks it’s still 2001 and Sum 41 and New Found Glory are still ruling the airwaves.  And Lord knows what was going through Will’s head – that whole performance looked like a robotic bar mitzvah for MC Hammer, held in outer space.  Mazel tov, I guess?

The Blow Harder Award: To the Female Pros Dancing Around Stevie Wonder and blowing him kisses.

Heidi: Yo….Stevie is BLIND. Just sayin’.

Courtney: Poor Stevie probably just wondering why there was a sudden breeze. Read more..

May 5, 2013 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS Season 16, Weeks 4 and 5 – The Cheesecake Awards, SUPERSIZED!!

Well, it case you hadn’t figured it out, Courtney and I got overwhelmed last week and didn’t get the cheesecake baked before the next performance show. So this week you get a supersized version – twice as b#@chy and twice as long. ;-)  Well, maybe not twice as long…there aren’t that many things funny about this show any more. :-)

Week 4

The “YO! I said Shut UP!” Award: Carrie Ann Inaba whose mic wasn’t working when she was trying to critique Sean’s dancing

Heidi: I think someone’s trying to tell her something. Either Sean has magic powers or it’s not nice to diss the “family”. Or the production muppets fail again. Take your pick.

Courtney: I think they should dream up some sort of communication obstacle for her each week, just so we don’t have to listen to her self-righteous blathering.  Maybe one week, she’ll have to phrase all of her critiques in pig Latin; the next week, tell her she can’t use any verbs; the following week, she will only be allowed to use hand gestures.  Then I’d actually look forward to her critiques – for the pure comedy they would bring :-P

Heidi: “You ucksay and I inkthay I awsay a iftlay!”

The “You don’t look like a screamer” Award: Lindsay, for screaming her way through the Paso Doble with Victor

Heidi: Hey! That’s totally not what I meant! You people with dirty minds. :-) Anyway, I’m not so sure the “I’m a maniac” method works, particularly on guys like Victor. :-) Really, screaming at the top of your lungs?? You can see her yelling through out the entire dance!

Courtney: Poor Lindsay – she’s just terribly, terribly green when it comes to being a pro.  I highly doubt that if your celeb is messing up, yelling at him at progressively louder volumes is going to help.  And really, if he’s screwing up that bad in the first place – you probably haven’t done your job as a pro and gotten him rehearsed enough.  It’s times like these where I think to myself, “Would it have KILLED you guys to just put her in the troupe for a season or two?” 8-O Read more..

April 21, 2013 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS Season 16, Week 3 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

A whole bunch of weird stuff this week. Just weird… occasionally stupid…and sometimes charming.

The “He’s SO one of us!” Award: Tom Bergeron for saying, on the performance night, “Welcome to Prom Night…or ‘It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time’ Night!!”

Heidi: Tom is getting less and less good at hiding his opinion when he thinks something is a stupid idea. :-) And when he’s right, he’s right. I’m quite sure this wasn’t his only crack about Prom night.

Courtney: Tom has obviously been spending too much time lurking at Pure, because he took the words right out of my mouth :-D But unfortunately for him, he is still on the show’s payroll, and we are not…so this is probably the best we’re going to get out of him, with regards to how derp-y the show has gotten.  But alas, I felt vindicated nonetheless :-)

Professional Dancer LOL of the Performance Show: Gleb, for “You look like a dancer when you don’t move.”

Heidi: Surely I wasn’t the only one who not only LOLed at that one, but also developed a new appreciation for the newest pretty face on this show. :-)

Courtney: It actually sounded a lot like something Maks would have said to Kirstie…only Gleb sounded so much more melodic when he said it :-P

Heidi: You know, they say tone is everything. :-) Read more..

April 7, 2013 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS Season 16, Week 2 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Title is kind of a lie – there’s some week 1 stuff in here too. :-)  As I usually do at the start of each season, it’s time for me/us to warn you. These awards are sometimes humorous, tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic and sometimes they’re b*#chy and sometimes they’re just weird. My point is, if you are overly sensitive about comments made about your favorite, you best not whine. You’ve been warned and NO ONE is immune.

On with the show…Not much in week 1 but these first two awards:

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night, Week 1: “Victor’s story is not that unique…we get most of our cast when their judgement is impaired.” Honorable Mention: “I’ve been watching Giggy all day and I think he’s hammered!”

Heidi: HEY!! He shouldn’t say stuff like that in front of Andy! Heh. Anyway, good ole Tom. He was on a roll for night one!! I have to agree about Giggy. Is that dog of an advanced age?? Cuz he’s either hammered or very sleepy all the time. :-)

Courtney: ZOMG, that’s sooooo offensive…it very well might send Andy scrambling to the closest bar! Seriously, the way some people are fancying themselves Dr. Drew and getting all up in arms on Andy’s behalf is just nauseating.  But I digress….yeah, Tom’s pretty on the money, because with all the trickery going on at DWTS these days, one would have to be under the influence of some substance in order to agree to do it.  As for Giggy – Giggy’s pretty sedate most of the time on RHOBH too, so I don’t think it’s anything new…that pooch is just so used to getting carried everywhere and sitting on everyone’s laps that he doesn’t really need energy :-P Read more..

March 31, 2013 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS All Stars, Week 9 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Courtney and I were much too lazy to worry about screencaps and gifs this week, so you’ll have to live without them. Well, I was too lazy. Courtney’s actually been sick. Boo. Anyway, on with the show.

The Award for a Metaphor FAIL (a.k.a The Master of the Mixed Metaphor Award): Len Goodman for “That dynamite was fantastic!!” Referring to Shawn and Derek’s Bhangra

Heidi: Um, say what?? :-) And yes, I tried to mix the metaphor in the Award title too, just in case you were wondering. Anyway, Len really let loose and lost control. He was freakin’ giddy giving them that 10 and then his whole “SHUT UP! Shut the front door and call me Mary..” thing was pretty funny. And confusing. Is this an English thing?? :-)

Courtney: Hehe…you can definitely tell when Len goes off-script, because he makes absolutely no sense.  No cheesy “more bounce for the ounce!” or “what was on the label wasn’t in the tin” organized comments – it’s like he gets Tourette’s Syndrome when he actually likes a dance :-P

The Award for Best Audience Wrangling/Stage Direction: Tom Bergeron for telling the audience members in front of him “You can stop clapping, this isn’t exciting” and then telling them to keep clapping when something was good.

Heidi: Geez, the muppets could take some lessons from Tom. “How to chastise an Audience Member in a humorous way.” I wonder what he would have done if he had seen the chick in the short skirt bent over last week? “Hey, honey, it’s a bit early for the moon in LA.”

Courtney: I have to wonder if Tom gets as fed up with the nonsense of the show as we do sometimes :-P Read more..

November 25, 2012 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS 15, Week 8 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that re-watching the results show was enlightening and annoying as hell all at the same time. And some parts were downright gross. :-) Anyway, I am just starting to write this down and I’m sensing that it will be WAY more bitchy than it is funny. Fair warning. :-)

The Award for the Pro Giddy Beyond All Reason: Tony Dovolani, in His Confessional Shown During the Results Show

Heidi: He’s just freaking happy. :-) And he should be, what with perfect scores. He and Melissa are so cute and fun that I would be happy to see them make it to the finale and win (although I want it to be SHAWN and it should be Shawn). I love him bursting with glee in the confessional to the point he blows Melissa’s ear drums out. But seriously – I hope he holds on to that feeling because the judges were exceedingly kind and probably for a reason. Looking back on that Quickstep, you could drive a mac truck between Melissa and Tony’s bodies – something that Len regularly bitches about when the Pro happens to be named Derek. Be prepared – this is a theme you will likely hear me complain about throughout the Awards. :-D

Courtney: I’ve gotta say – Tony is really impressing me this season.  He’s stepped up the choreo, and although he’s still not necessarily the most creative pro on the show, he still makes his partners actually dance, and he doesn’t buy into the drama – and neither does Melissa.  They don’t try to pass off some phony showmance, they don’t go for super flashy choreography, they’re not over-the-top competitive & annoying – they just dance, and they dance well…and they don’t worry about what’s going on around them.  It’s nice to see him genuinely happy and grateful to be doing well :-D And him cheesing in the confessional was just adorable…I was half expecting the guy to say “Am I dreaming???? Am I actually headed to week 9???? AAAAAAGGHHHH!!!” I daresay putting up with the likes of Wendy Williams, Kate Gosselin, and Martina Navratilova over the years has paid off :-)

Heidi: Yep, Tony is downright CUTE this season as well. He matches his partner in that respect.

Read more..

November 17, 2012 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS 15, Week 6 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Heidi: We’re a bit short on awards this week. I mean, we could go on and on about Taylor Swift and Brooke, but that gets a bit redundant after a while. :-)

Biggest Disconnect Between Dancers & Music: The troupe’s opening performance to Little Big Town

Courtney: So what do you get when you take three Aussies, a Russian mail order bride, a Dane, and a Brit, dress them up in cowpoke gear, and make them dance to a song about a type of boat pretty exclusive to the States? A rather confused performance.  :-P I can only imagine what kind of questions got tossed around backstage after this wonder…perhaps Oksana asking “What is pontoon? Is like U-boat?”

Heidi: I think their mojo was off. Mail Order Bride’s hair was all crimped and curled and very unlethal. It’s like Sampson after a haircut. I think I’ve explained this before. :-)

The Award for Best, Unintentionally Filthy Dialogue: Shawn Johnson, Melissa Rycroft and Derek Hough for their “They’re cute” and “They’re Big” Discussion in the Behind-the-Scenes Video Tape

Heidi: That whole conversation was cracking me up. I have this vision of the producers seeing that footage and rolling on the floor laughing, while planning how they can air something that sounds dirty but isn’t. I’ve been of the opinion that Derek was crushing on Melissa back in her original season because of how he talked to her. And here he does a typical guy thing and Melissa? Hilarious. But the best bit was Shawn telling Melissa authoritatively that “they’re big” then reassuring Derek that they’re big. It’s okay, Derek, Melisssa called them cute. Not what you were going for, I know.  Um….what was the “they” that they were talking about again?? ;-)

Courtney: Somehow I think Melissa has outgrown the whole “I must appeal to the male ego” phase that 20-something women go through, before figuring out that men need to get their balls busted every now & then in order to keep them in check :-P Shawn? I think she just wants to protect everyone.  It’s actually kinda cute…both of them.  :-P Read more..

November 4, 2012 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS All Stars, Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Word to the wise: If you want to see something in the Cheesecake Awards, DON’T say so. Don’t tell us what you expect to see. Because if you do, we just might think it’s too obvious or decide that we don’t want anyone to expect anything – and not include it.

Just sayin’. :-)  The Cheesecake is on the small side this week – we have discovered that most of the cheesy goodness is in a results show. :-)

Beware: Heidi’s Mean Streak is wider than usual this week. :-)

Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “By the way, tonight Carrie Ann Plays the Iceberg” (ref. Titanic) in reference to her comments regarding Shawn and Derek’s supposed lift.

Heidi: That was very clever. I love me some Tom. Even CAI couldn’t help but laugh at herself after that one and Len loved it as well. How is he so quick?? I’d be standing there saying, “Bitch.”

Courtney: For someone that gets all OTT in her praise like CAI often does, she’s also a colossal buzzkill – and nothing says buzzkill like a humongous ocean liner getting obliterated by an iceberg.  And Carrie Ann, like an iceberg, is chilly, jagged, and is useless as a judge on a reality tv dancing show :-) Read more..

October 28, 2012 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)