Free DWTS Newsletter Want to receive the latest news on Dancing with the Stars sent straight to your email? Join hundreds of other DWTS fans who subscribe to Pure DWTS for FREE!

DWTS13 Week 8 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

We’re back and sassy this week, kids – and you might not read any further if you’re a fan of Kardashians, extraneous props, elves, or artificial hair extensions…;-)

Most Ironic Choice of Wardrobe: Brooke Burke’s “brain” dress

Courtney: I know I can’t be the only one that took one look at Brooke’s dress and chuckled, for it kinda resembled a brain.  Oh Brooke – if only you had one :-P Guess wearing something that looks like one is the next best thing…

Heidi: She should have worn that Halloween week – bwainzzzz. A little zombie make up and you have the perfect (and appropriate) costume!!

Best Indicator That “Maks Wuz Heeeere”: Covering up Karina’s picture on the wall in the rehearsal studio

Courtney: Ok, perhaps it’s another odd little thing that I honed in on, but there was a random picture that looked to be out of a kids’ coloring book that was totally obscuring Karina’s face in the picture of her & Ralph’s quickstep that hung on the wall of the rehearsal studio…while Hope & Maks were there.  I can only assume this was intentional, as that seems to be a rather odd place to put a coloring book picture, considering all of the empty wall space elsewhere in the studio.  Yeeeep…we get it, loud & clear.  Still mad at Karina.  What’s next, carving her phone number into a men’s room stall door? Teepeeing her house? Making her a pan of brownies with Ex-Lax in them?

Heidi: If you ever needed proof that he is a 12 year old in an adult body, this is it. Combined with his inability to let anything go…like, for example, exclaiming that he thought Hope deserved 9′s a long time ago. Twelve year olds really shouldn’t do crack, Maks, their brains won’t mature and you’ll end up wearing a brain dress like Brooke.  If you don’t have it, wear it. Read more..

November 12, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS13, Week 7 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Heidi: This was like giving birth. Or what I would imagine giving birth was like if I had any children.

Award for the Celeb that Seems to Get Cooler & Cooler Despite His Initial Douchiness: Rob Kardashian

Courtney: Rob’s definitely come a long way since his initial assholiness during the first week – we’re getting all sorts of zingers out him these days! On relating to the The Addams Family: “Yeah, my family’s kinda kooky.” On showing off his “guns” in paso rehearsal: “I don’t carry weapons.” On the tutelage he received from Derek & Maks in said rehearsals: “Derek & Maks increased my sexual confidence!” Plus, he’s got a bum and he’s ok with it! I’m seriously starting to dig Rob – would be interesting to see what he pulls out of his hat for a freestyle, should he make the finale.

Heidi: He was a cornucopia of hilarious this past week – speaking of his bum, the entire segment about his bum from Bruno critiquing to Bruno telling Cheryl “It’s huge!!”, to them running up the stairs to David yelling “that’s a violation you were talking to Bruno!!” to the faux weepy confessional all about him bum?? F@#king hilarious!! OMG, didn’t even catch it all until I watched it again. :-)

Award for the Celeb Who We Wish Was Still Around Because He Was Becoming a Comic Genius: David Arquette

Courtney: “Dancing with the skeleton” FTW! Especially since he even cracked Brooke up to the point where she was even more flustered than usual :-P And then he (deliberately, I assume) got all wacky with his deck of cards during Monday night’s intros, just for shits & giggles. *sigh* I’m seriously gonna miss David!

Heidi: See above about the yelling about a violation. :-) But the dancing with the skeleton was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long damn time.

Award for Cleverest Production Bit of the Week: “DEAD….from Hollywood!!”

Heidi: Maybe I’m easy. But I thought it was funny. :-)

Courtney: Laaaaame. Just like “I’m Tom Boo-geron!” and “Our musical director, Scare-ald Wheeler!” I bet you chortled merrily at those, too, Heidi ;-) Am I right?

Heidi:  Nah, I didn’t laugh at those.  Just the dead thing.  Maybe it’s death… Read more..

November 6, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Season 13, Week 5 and 6 – The Cheesecake Awards

Well, Courtney and I are suffering from a bit of a mid-season “blah” – all my mind is really capable of right now is “Derek pretty…Derek pretty…” So, this version of the cheesecake is for both weeks 5 and 6, and it’s either going to be extremely bitchy or short and mean. :-) Hard to tell. It’s perception, really. :-)

Week 5

Tom Bergeron’s WTF Moment of the Night: When Brooke says “A Hush has fallen over the Ballroom” yet there is actually a pretty noticeable booing and hissing from the audience.

Heidi: Poor Tom, he just couldn’t help himself, he had to say something. :-) His response was pretty funny: “Sounds like a pretty angry ‘hush’ to me.” Geez, Brooke? Really? A hush? Maybe you meant hiss?? Here’s a piece of advice – don’t ad lib.

Courtney: Someone call tech support, stat – the Brookebot 2.0 has a glitch in its matrix. Seriously, she’s like Tickle Me Elmo these days – only says a handful of phrases, and it’s only cute once or twice before it gets terribly annoying.

The Award for Biggest WTF of the Results Show: The Choir

Heidi: Um, really?? A choir? In the gowns and everything?? And it wasn’t a little choir, there was a whole dang bunch of them. I thought for a moment I was watching the finale of American Idol. I will say, the choir stayed in sync better than the troupe dancers did. I have to say that the choir coming out (and yes, I get the Madonna connection) was the first time in a long time that I sat there going “what the f*#k are they doing?” I was momentarily stumped. Confused. Befuddled.

Courtney: Confuzzled :-P I sure hope they didn’t break the bank when they booked the choir – if I were them, I’d be funneling more money into get a troupe that CAN ACTUALLY DANCE IN SYNCH than into ridiculous, over-the-top props. Maybe this is why they skimped on the fire with the extension cord a few weeks ago – had to pinch pennies to afford the choir. Read more..

October 30, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS13 Week 4 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

The cheese practically wrote itself this week, kids :-) Enjoy!

Brooke Burke Flub O’ the Week: Introducing Susan Boyle’s song as “Enchanted Melody” instead of “Unchained Melody”

Courtney: Must be the Righteous Brothers’ G-rated cousin Melvin that penned that gem, Brooke. Not that it really mattered, in the end – Susan was pitchy as hell and Peta & Val looked…seizure-y. ‘Twas a strange performance, all-around. I think enchanted woodland creatures flitting about the floor could have actually been an improvement.

Heidi: Susan Boyle saved Brooke’s flub O’ the Week from being the Flub O’ the Season by sucking so badly that no one probably remembers that Brooke screwed up to begin with. :-) I mean, WTF was that? Was it supposed to sound like that?? Problem with that song is, once you’ve heard it done extremely well by a great voice, everyone else has a hard time measuring up. Poor Susan – and she was so freakishly giddy to be on the show to begin with.  :-)

Carson Kressley Line O’ the Night: “Pirates are basically men in tight pants, with open shirts, running around looking for jewelry…I think I can handle that!”

Courtney: This man’s razor sharp wit never ceases to amaze me. The flirting with Storm, the swordfighting instructor, was just icing on the cake…as was his declaration of “Gimme those Louboutins!” as he charged at Anna with his sword. His literal sword…not his naughty one. He’s saving that for Storm ;-)

Heidi: I’m sure he’d LIKE to “handle that” if you know what I mean and I think you do. :-) But even more fun from Carson was with the sword trainer they had. The swooning behind his back was hilarious. Read more..

October 15, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Season 13, Weeks 2 and 3 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Yep, it’s a mashup folks. We didn’t get around to it last week, so we’re doing both weeks NOW!! :-)  I’m feeling Bergeron-ian – I almost said LIVE!!!!! This is The CHEESECAKE AWARDS!!! :::cue music:::

From Week 2:

WTF? In Costuming Award – Female: Anna Trebunskaya

Heidi: 99 Luft Balloons Go By, nah nah nah nahnahnah! Sorry, everytime I saw that dress, that song went through my head. No, I don’t know what a “luft balloon” is, but I think the song was originally done in…German? Beats me. You know, all the pros have tics, Anna’s is tulle skirts with bizarro tops. Wasn’t her re-do dance in the finale with Evan a pale blue tulle concoction?? Not a fan. But I love Anna though.

Courtney: Ja, fräulein – “99 Luftballoons” was originally recorded in German by the band Nena.  And a “luftballoon” is really just a regular “toy” balloon…the song was written about what could happen if a bunch of balloons released in the sky were mistaken for some sort of nuclear weapon, triggering a nuclear war that results in the end of the world.  I feel deceived…it sounds like such a happy song…:-( You guys know I’m gonna be all over 80s week when it rolls around! But I digress.  Anna’s dress kinda reminded me of a gumball machine…but I dug it.  She looked like one of the extras from Hairspray. Strange as it may sound – it kinda worked for me.

The “Be Careful What you Wish for Cuz Getting it Hurts” Award: Carson for telling Anna to Slap Him

Heidi: Dude, she’s RUSSIAN!! Don’t wind her up and then ask her to hit you! Word to the wise. :-)

Courtney: Not to stereotype, but I think Carson is someone that’s probably more often on the giving end of slaps across the face than the receiving one.  I bet he can deliver one with the perfect amount of drama and style. 8)

Heidi: And then help you with your foundation afterwards. ;-) Read more..

October 6, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS13 Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!

Finally! Here are the cheesecake awards!!  The first one of the season – we hope you enjoy.  :-)  They take a bit longer when you spend a lot of time cackling over screencaps. ;-)

The Pottymouth Award: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Courtney: Is it just me, or has Maks really developed an affinity for obscenity this season? :-) His package with Hope was littered with beeps.  Not that I’m complaining – sometimes I wish the show were a bit less PC and bit more…interesting.  And Maks cussing is kinda cool & hip…like a Russian Tarantino movie or something.  He’s Vikcent Vegavich.  Somebody get him a Royale with cheese and a glock…or maybe a Tokarev.

Heidi: Maybe he’s lost all Hope.  :::snicker::: Yeah, I used up all my good jokes on our other little project…the one with all the pictures. :-)  Seriously, what does it say about me that I didn’t notice the swearing? :-)

WTF? Costuming Award, Female: Cheryl Burke; (dis)honorable mention – Karina Smirnoff (for hair/makeup)

Courtney: It’s bad enough that you’re dancing to a song about Lake Michigan, Cheryl – why confuse us even further by wearing a dress that’s part bad Elvis tribute, part Xanadu, and part Liberace? The whole thing was just visually…baffling. Although the little arrows around the neckline pointing down did lead the way to the “business” area of the dress.  As for Karina – lovely, feminine, flowy pastel dress…with bright red Marilyn Monroe lipstick and a severe top-of-the-head school marm bun? Total disconnect there….did they have to change her dress at the last minute? I doubt it.  Is she trying to distract people from staring at JR’s injuries? Because he seems pretty comfortable with them (and joking about them!).  Who knows…but makeup department, please put her on red lipstick suspension until she can prove she deserves it!

Heidi: I think Karina can wear the really red lips…just not with that outfit and that hair.  Too much contrast…like my TV got out of wack or something. As for Cheryl – Chaz totally called it with the Elvis comment. What was she thinking?? If not for the cut down the front, it was like…an old lady ballroom dress or something.  You know, when your crazy grandma wears some wackass thing such that you don’t want to be seen in public with her.  Like…an old lady in a motor cycle jacket and leather pants….or…I dunno.  The whole thing has just thrown me off completely. :-)  It makes me go all ageist and confused.

Courtney: It was a pair of shoulder pads and some clip-on earrings short of something my granny would have worn to the bingo hall on charity night….along with her matching “I <3 Bingo” hat & fanny pack (true story).   Read more..

September 24, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Cheesecake Awards and Season 13 Cast Announcement – Don’t Forget!!!

Don’t forget, we’re working on a new edition of the Cheesecake Awards – for Season 7, Week 7. Fire up the Hulu and start watching – I hope we can have it out by the end of the week.

Also – WE WATCH IT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO. Bachelor Pad on August 29th is presumably when they are going to announce the new cast – similar to last year. Ugh. The things I do for you people. :-) I hate that show. But I will be watching and live blogging the announcement, with help from Courtney and Vogue. Please remember – when we’re live blogging, it helps us tremendously if you DON’T constantly hit the refresh button. Too much of that prevents us from updating the site. And it makes Heidi VERY frustrated. :-) I just bought a new HD TV. Just sayin’. :-)

Per Access Hollywood:

ABC confirmed on Sunday that the next cast of the hit reality competition program will be revealed during an episode of “Bachelor Pad,” the spin-off of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” franchises.

“DWTS” co-hosts Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke will make the cast announcement as they have done in seasons past.

In addition to the cast reveal, ABC announced that the new season will premiere on Monday, September 19, in a two-hour show, from 8:00-10:00 PM ET/PT.

The following night ABC will air “Dancing with the Stars: Meet the Cast,” which airs at 8 PM, followed at 9 PM by the first “DWTS” results show.

Hmmm….this “Meet the Cast” thing sounds good. Did they do this last season and I don’t remember it?? I’d like to meet Derek, please. :-)

August 7, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS Cheesecake Retrospective! Season 5, Week 5

Welcome our summer serving of CHEESECAKE!!! :-) Hey, we hear people like this series and I have to say that I enjoy writing it with Courtney as much as some of you enjoy reading it. New to the series?? Look at the right side of the web page, near the top – see the Cheesecake Awards box? Click it and you can go back and read all our other Cheesecake posts. :-) Warning – if you are new to this site, we don’t spare anyone’s feelings.

What we’re going to do is randomly skip around throughout the series old episodes and do a cheesecake post just like we do during the season. Of course, we’re not going to re-do episodes we’ve already done – no need, as we have plenty of material out there to cover before the new season starts. At the end of each post like this one, we will announce our next selection – that way, anyone who wants to can watch that episode on Hulu prior to us posting it. Hulu covers seasons 5 through 11 – and I imagine they will have 12 up soon if they don’t already.

Season 5 participants included Helio Castroneves, Marie Osmond, Jennie Garth and Mel B – to name a few. :-) And the subject (or rather, victim) of our first retrospective takes us back to the week of October 22-23, 2007 – long before the days of Lacey, the Argentine tango, the Design-a-Dance, Brooke as co-host, the Bristol controversy, and the judges smoking crack.  It was the week before the very first “shock” elimination in DWTS history (Sabrina & Mark), and was memorable for Mark & Kym’s “I Dream of Jeannie” samba, Sabrina & Mark’s eyebrow-raising rumba, and Marie’s fall heard ’round the world.  Let’s get nostalgic, shall we? ;-)

Best Tactic for Avoiding Elimination: Marie fainting on live television

Courtney: Do you remember where you were when Marie bit the floor that fateful night? :-) I do – I was waiting tables at Hooters in Lafayette, IN, and heard one of the cooks scream from the kitchen “Dude!!! I think Marie Osmond just died!” Of course, every flat panel in the restaurant was hastily flipped to ABC, so we all could watch replays of Marie doing her best Aunt Pittypat and crumpling to the floor mid-critique, while Tom, Jonathan, the judges, and the audience stood slack-jawed.  This was quite possibly the best and most dramatic ploy for dodging elimination that I have ever seen on the show :-) And, in retrospect, I almost (almost!) wonder if it was done intentionally – Marie was already pretty winded post-samba, and then she started hopping up and down in excitement like a circa-2005 Tom Cruise, which I can only imagine hurried along her inevitable spill.  I believe Len’s choice of the word “gaiety” was the straw that broke the camel’s back – it must’ve been just too much for her wholesome Mormon ears, because the moment it passed his lips, her eyes were rolling back in her head and she was doing the slo-mo wipeout.  The look on Len’s face was priceless: mildly concerned, but almost disappointed that he wasn’t going to get to finish his critique.  There must’ve been a bit of a chaotic shuffle in the control room, because there was about a 10 second lapse of silence & the audience looking stunned between when Tom told them to cut to commercial and when they actually did. See? They had a Muppet stage crew even back then, kids ;-) Anywho, after that dramatic display – who wouldn’t toss a few sympathy votes her way? Not only was this the first instance of real onstage drama – it was quite possibly the birth of the sympathy vote as well. Historic!

Heidi:Ugh. Marie. Screaming at Bruno while hopping around like an idiot – no wonder she fainted, she used up all her air impersonating a 5 year-old. Was it planned? Nah, she’s just an ass. :-) I loved Tom’s follow on to the whole thing: “you know, in the movie’s swooning is so romantic….but IT SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME!!” Honest AND funny. LOL. As for the Muppet stage crew – well, I think a lot of them thought at first it was Marie doing a bit – you know acting like a jackass and goofing off. To this day, seeing Marie makes me cringe because she was just gawdawful unbearable on the show. She did make a good point on one of the entertainment shows later – the dude is supposed to catch you when you swoon, poor Jon just wasn’t on the ball. :-)

Best Argument for Not Getting Lyrical with Your Choreography: Jane & Tony’s bizarre “breathing” arm movements during their rumba

Courtney: Dang, Dr. Quinn’s body is even more incredible than I remember! But I digress.  Tony & Jane’s rumba song was “Breathe Again” by Toni Braxton (who would show up as a contestant a year later), most well known for it’s chorus of repeated “breathe again, breathe again”.  Well I guess Tony decided to get artistic when he was putting this rumba together, because he incorporated this weird back-and-forth arm movement that was supposed to be “breathing” in time with the chorus – except instead of breathing, it looked more like he & Jane were imitating the mighty albatross in a very sleepy game of charades.  Just…unintentionally comical.  CAW CAW!!!

Heidi:Oh. That was supposed to be breathing? Um, yeah, didn’t get it. :-)

Proof for the DWTS Theory of Tenure: Mark Ballas

Courtney: I’d like to take this opportunity to unveil my latest scientific DWTS theory – I like to call it the “Theory of Tenure”, and its underlying principle is that the longer a pro is on the show, the less of a true, competitive ballroom dancer they become.  This becomes apparent when looking at several of the pros’ evolution on the show, but the transformation is exceptionally marked (no pun intended) with one, Mark Ballas.  Season 5 was Mark’s rookie season on the show, and he was fresh off the competition floor – his choreography was pretty hardcore ballroom (not a lot of frills), his costumes were pretty normal, and his hair was much longer. None of the shaved head, tattooed, envelope-pushing rubbish he’s resorted to the past few seasons.  This rumba was quite lovely to watch, actually.  But what’s truly funny to me is that you can see little bits of the Mark of today peeking through – an enthusiastic piroutte here, a corny joke there. He was trying hard to keep the jimmy legs in check ;-)

Heidi: Mark was such a sweetheart back then…but he still had that bizarre, stiff looking smile. It scares me a bit. :-) I was watching the other day and also noticed he didn’t have too much to say in the Red (Blue this season) room. Interestingly enough, I was watching that OTHER dancing show the other night too – and Louis Van Amstel makes it VERY clear that the DWTS Theory of Tenure does not apply to all the pros – particularly those who are more mature (mentally, if not always in behavior). Louis choreographed a seriously kickass Tango that was strict ballroom – American version, I believe Mary said. Total content, killer lift at the end but not prone to all the flashy crap that SYTYCD choreographers doing ballroom feel like they have to add, thereby making it NOT legit ballroom – and certainly not straying from the rules of ballroom like Mark was so fond of doing in the name of “fresh” this past season on DWTS. And let me tell you, that Tango rivaled anything done on SYTYCD this season and certainly beat anything done this past season on DWTS. I am NOT a Louis fan by ANY stretch of the imagination – but I loved that dance. He disproves this theory…and he disproves (as Derek does frequently) that it is NOT necessary to stray from the Ballroom “rules” in order to create an amazing, fresh, exciting dance.

The Rocky Horror “Time Warp” Award: Mark, Maks and Tony

Heidi: Holy crap – they all look like BABIES. It looks like this was done ten years ago instead of 3 or 4. Wait…Mark at least WAS a baby then. What? 21?

Courtney: Tony definitely had more hair.  Maks was still trying to figure out what to do with his after chopping it off, and was toying with the babyfaced look (dislike).  Mark was still very “ballroom-y” – the heavily slicked-back, just slightly too long look.  Although I swear it looked a little teased on top.  I think he hit his stride in season 6 – no teased-up flat-top.  Just about an inch of hair that was neatly gelled.  Looked pretty good.  Then he decided that hair was for the common folk and went all cue-ball on us.  *sigh*

The “Translation Needed STAT!!” Award: Bruno Tonioli

Heidi: Dude, it’s Ro-DAY-o Drive, not rodeo “look at me I’m riding a bull” Drive. It took me a good 15 seconds or so to figure out what the hell he was talking about in his commentary to Jane and Tony. Apparently I wasn’t alone as Tom felt compelled to correct his pronunciation. :-) Bruno, word to the wise: If you can’t say it, you can’t shop it.

Courtney: Guess they were still working out the kinks in the Brunobot 5000, Version 2.0. At least he wasn’t being a total pervert like he is now…maybe they need to find the recovery disk for his propriety program.

The Award for Setting an Example That Will Unfortunately Be Ignored in Future Seasons: Mark Cuban, for arguing with Kym about their Choreography

Heidi: DON’T ARGUE WITH THE PROFESSIONALS ABOUT CHOREOGRAPHY. This should be a no-brainier, but not to those with egos rivaling the best Pro dancers. People, these dancers maybe be young – but they are the best at what they do and they have a pretty good idea what pleases the audience. Now, Mark went home this week and that may not be the reason why – but it certainly doesn’t help when the audience sees the novice MALE dancer arguing with the pretty, blonde professional. Who ignored this example?? Evan and Anna – to disastrous free style results. I’m sure there are more, but that’s the one that springs to mind most recently. I’m sure most pros don’t mind some input (Derek has often said he liked it from Nicole and Lil’ Kim) – but don’t let it escalate to “fight” level. Not even the appearance of a disagreement. It will backfire.

Courtney: I think my jaw might have dropped a little when witnessing this one, because it’s just not something that happens on the show much these days  - aside from the examples Heidi mentioned above. I think the celebs know better now than to question choreo.  Except if your name is Kate Gosselin, and you fancy yourself an expert on just about everything, and get off on arguing like the bitter old divorcee with the duck-butt hairdo that you truly are.  :-) But Kym seriously looked like she had no idea what to do – the aggression from Mark just seemed to come out of nowhere.  Clearly Mark hadn’t yet learned that you do not mess with She of the Awesome Boobage – not because she’s a barracuda, but because she’s just so damn sweet.  The ONLY instance in which I think some arguing between celeb & pro regarding choreography might have been good was between Mya & Dmitry when he was choreographing their “WTF?!” Hairspray freestyle.  I really wish she would have been more vocal about doing her idea instead of his.

Heidi: Okay, I re-phrase – don’t argue with Pros who have been on the show for a few seasons. :-) Yeah, the Mya/Dmitry freestyle was just bad and I chalk it up to him being new.  Of course, I don’t think he’s adjusted from SYTYCD to this day, so who knows.

The Award for Best (Worst?) Analogy: Samantha Harris for “Next We’ll See You do the Grocery Shopper.” Said to Mark Cuban, I believe, after he showed off his “style” of dancing.

Heidi: Huh whuh?? Grocery Shopper?? Do you suppose she means the “shopping cart” dance move?? I wasn’t sure, so I googled -and found someone asking the question “is that really a dance move or just another Sam Harris kooky comment?? LOL!! I also found that there are a couple videos of dancing Grocery shoppers that are dated 2010 – but I don’t think it’s an actual dance move and I think it’s Sam Harris doing her usual verbal tripping up. :-) Courtney? What say you??

Courtney: Maybe it’s one of those things where the term for it changes in different parts of the country…y’know, like “toilet” vs. “commode”? Or “purse” vs. “pocketbook”? “Water fountain” vs. “bubbler”? Yeah…maybe not.  And I know I may have bitched about Samantha when she was on the show…but I would still much rather have her cheesy ass back than deal with Brooke “Rainman” Burke yet again.  At least Samantha could come up with semi-entertaining banter off the cuff, and didn’t look like she had chased a few horse tranquilizers with a Cosmo before the show.

Heidi: Purse versus pocketbook??  That’s not regional, that’s generational! That’s mom versus grandma!  :-)  I kid….but really, pocketbook??

The Award for Best (Worst??) Metaphor (I think…): Carrie Ann Innaba for “I can see the colors of your growth”.

Heidi: WTF?? So Carrie and Sam were eating mushrooms together back at craft services. Or smokin’ some weed in their trailers. Or something. OR, CAI is doing hallucinogens – which would explain all the colors. Well, that’s what I’ve heard, anyway. :-)

Courtney: I’d like to show Carrie Ann the “colors of the wind”. Maybe Hines & Kendra would like to join me…they seemed pretty gaseous this season.

The Award for the Funniest Package (Clean Version): Helio and Julianne

Heidi: I cracked up when they are doing a move where Julianne has her back to Helio and he’s all smiley like normal and Julianne says, “Are you being macho” and he instantly goes into his version of Macho which is actually “constipation face”. :-) There were several little moments like that in this package and I laughed every single time. Even after all this time. :-)

Courtney: Y’know what? These two weren’t quite as enchanting as I remember them being the first time around.  Maybe it was because they had an off-week? Or maybe we’ve had enough charming couples in seasons since that it’s not such a rarity? Idk.  I remember thinking they were cute as a button when this season was airing, but upon watching this episode again last week – meh.  This rumba was stone cold. I guess I blame a kind of crappy rumba song & some pretty bland costuming.  And Julianne actually had a few moments of what looked like 100% bona fide bitch cross her face as the judges were critiquing this one…kinda surprised, really, since everyone usually pointed out Karina & Anna in the early days for their “pouty faces” and eye rolls when getting critiques from the judges.  I daresay Julianne wasn’t exactly a happy camper this particular week and let her face show it more than usual.  I guess their package was KIND OF cute…sort of.  I just was left feeling kind of “meh” about them this time around.

Heidi: Actually, I agree about Julianne. I found several instances of her in Season 7 where she just annoyed me with her comments during the judges talking.  I have several instances where I was muttering “Shut it, Julianne. She let it get to her a lot back then – but then, she was also only…what? 19 or 20?? That’s YOUNG for the responsibility the pros have.

The Award for Best Round Trip (AKA: The Come Full Circle Award or Award for Doing a 360): Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: Maks was absolutely delightful this season – hilarious and charming. “I met the Spice Girls!!!” LOL – that was hilarious. He was a great deal of fun with Mel B. It’s a round trip because we had a few seasons of “bad Maks”….but his season was Kirstie was also very delightful. So he went to a bad place for a bit…but he came back.

Courtney: Something bad must’ve happened during Maks’ hiatus in season 6, because he was oodles of fun in season 5 and seemed troubled when he returned for season 7.  And yes, fun Maks from season 5 definitely resurfaced for season 12 – you could tell Maks was having a ball with Mel B, and their practices seemed to move much more smoothly (and with a lot more laughter!) than some of his practice sessions with his celeb ladies in subsequent seasons.  Loved his bandit mask that he wore to keep Mel’s germs off of him!

Heidi: LOL!! I was trying to think of an award for that!  He said something like, “My immune system is very fragile right now.” Which had me cracking up – dude, your partner is SICK and you’re worried about YOUR immune system.  Hilarious.

The “Fret not, dearies, there’s better things in your future!” Award: Jennifer Esposito & Melissa McCarthy, who were sitting in the audience as publicity for “Samantha Who?”

Courtney: It may not be that big of a deal, but I was just amused by the fact that these two lovely ladies were playing second bananas to Christina Applegate on a short-lived sitcom on ABC at the time, and were probably forced by their higher-ups to go sit in the audience and pretend to be having fun in order to promote the show.  Now they’re both central characters on much more popular shows (Blue Bloods and Mike & Molly, respectively) – on CBS. :-) Guess good things await those who pay their dues on ill-fated ABC sitcoms…

Heidi: And Melissa was one of the presenters for the Emmy Awards so she was standing up there when her name was announced as a nominee for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. So Awesome.  Christina was in the audience during the Season 7 finale, clearly cheering on Lance – she looked rather bitter after Brooke and Derek’s freestyle. :-)  Well, not bitter…resigned.

Early Signs of Upcoming Dementia Award: Len, for mistakenly referring to M&M’s as “fruity”

Courtney: This might also fall under the “feeble attempt at a pun” category, because Len was trying to take their names and liken them to a “fruity, sweet, & delicious” candy…only one problem: M&M’s aren’t fruity, last I checked.  Unless of course, you referring to the limited edition coconut ones, which are FAB – but not probably what Len was talking about.  Pretty sure he meant “Skittles”, but didn’t want to ruin his perfect little pun.  You can even hear Tom chuckle in the background at that one.  Then again, maybe M&M’s are like Coke, and they taste different in different parts of the world… do we have any British readers? Are M&M’s fruity over there? Like…currant-flavored or something? Y’all seem to really like currants over the pond…

Heidi: Len was having a moment. :-)  But ya know, those Brits are just insane – UK’s sweetheart is a woman who lip syncs and is going back to her womanizing husband so it’s ENTIRELY possible that they have fruity M&M’s.  It would not surprise me. :-)  I mean, don’t they eat sheep’s stomach and something called “spotted dick”??  And this is the straight guys!

Best Example of How a Musical Guest Should Perform: Jennifer Lopez

Courtney: Seriously, I miss the days when musical guests on DWTS  could & would do more than just stand at a mic and sing, albeit rather apathetically (looking at YOU, Jennifer Hudson).  Jennifer may not be the most gifted vocalist in the world, but she sang (on pitch!) AND got out there and danced, without losing her breath, and when she wasn’t dancing, she at least moved about the stage and tried to get the crowd amped up.  How many musical guests in recent seasons can say they’ve done all of that? Anymore, I feel like some of the musical acts we get on the results show are there only because their handlers think it’ll be good publicity, and they seem to half-ass their way through their song and leave it to the pro dancers be the main source of entertainment.  Say what you will about Jennifer (people seem to really love or hate her – I’m in the former camp ;-)), but she got out there and performed her ass off…that’s more than I can say for some of the musical guests we’ve seen.  And while she may not have needed the entertainment value of the pro dancers she had for “Let’s Get Loud”, they were awesome too…damn I miss the days of the truly outstanding pro dances.  Seasons 5 & 6 were the heydey of the awesome pro numbers!

Heidi: Ahem. I have to object.  I do love Jennifer on AI, but I heard that she made DWTS re-shoot that song because there was too much focus on the pro dancers (also read it was one of the few that Derek had a hand in choreographing) and not enough on her. At which point I felt the need to bitch-slap. :-)  We don’t get enough pro dances as it is (although it was better back then than it is now), don’t be re-shooting to cut them out. You can tell this is the case just because of how the dancing is going full-on when the camera cuts back to Jennifer. They normally do a lot better of pausing the dancing when the camera isn’t on them, or splitting between dancing and singing.  I was irked. Pretty sure it came from one of the pros too, that little tid bit.

Courtney: Diva or not, I liked her performance.  I’d rather have a musical guest that tries too hard than one that looks like they’d rather be getting a root canal than performing on the show. And at least she had a number where she included pro dancers, even if it was limited – seems like a lot of the artists these days bring their own dancers and eliminate the need for the pros altogether.

Next time, on the Cheesecake Awards….Season 6, Week 7!!! You have two weeks or so.

July 20, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS Season 12, The Finale – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Oy veh. One more for the season. WARNING! This one gets a tad…harsh. If you are overly sensitive in regard to some of the regulars on this show, look out. :-) You’ve been warned. I (Heidi) was feeling particularly evil when I wrote my parts.

Best Moment of the Finale: The Three Stooges reaction to Chelsea Kane getting 3rd place

Heidi: Ahhh…that was soooo sweet. Guess what, stooges, you don’t have all the power, no matter how hard you try. LOL. Want to see what we’re talking about? Keep your eye on the judges once the camera goes wide again. The body language is hilarious. Len and Carrie Ann are sitting, not clapping, in shock. Mwahahahaha….

Courtney: Both of them looked like they’d just seen the ghost of Michael Jackson or something.  Utter, total, and complete shock – followed by bitterness.  The Almighty Judges thwarted in their master plan??? Muahahahaha – you betcha.  Probably a good thing that Carrie Ann wasn’t clapping – her arm fat was jiggling like crazy earlier in the night when she was grooving in her chair to Black-Eyed Oh-bitch-please.

The Award for Being Almost TOO Cheesey to Bear: Tom Bergeron/Producers for that silly opening voiceover on the last night

Heidi: Is it just me or was that just way more over the top than normal?? I mean, this ain’t the Olympics, it’s DWTS (which I guess makes my complaint ironic…or redundant…or…pointless?) – but do we really need the dramatic talk about “their journey” to get to the finals??

Courtney: You’d think we were watching the pre-show for the Olympics or the Superbowl or even Idol – the sad backstory, the clawing their way to the top, the blood, sweat, toil, and tears, this has been their lifelong dream, yadda yadda yadda.  Way, WAAAYYYY over-the-top. Spare me.

The Karma Really Works Award: Len Goodman for “If they don’t like our scores, then vote for them!!”

Heidi: Fan-f@#ing-tastic. :-) That’s called having karma take a bite out yo ass. :-) We DID vote and it didn’t quite go the way you expected, did it? But this still does piss me off because that sure as hell didn’t work in week 9, did it. I fully expect to see the BonASS dance in the finale next season so they are more likely to get their way. Anyway, I think the producers were taking a poke at the judges, since when they aired this little gem they likely already knew that Chelsea took 3rd place. :-)

Courtney: You may be onto something with the producers taking a swipe at the judges – perhaps they were trying to make them the scapegoat for the whole fiasco.  I can’t help but wonder if TPTB were catching so much flak for the WTA dance that they decided to shift the blame to the judges – making a point of having Len say that right before announcing Chelsea as 3rd place was a subtle way of saying “Blame the judges! They’re the ones that gave the scores!” Of course, I don’t think anyone in a position of authority on the show is blame-free for the shitshow that was season 12 – as I said on Twitter the other day, this season was one big series of unfortunate events that resulted from TPTB trying to atone for the sins of season 11…and failing miserably.  Viewers tend to fight back when they start monkeying around too much with the basic premise of the show – this is a prime example.

Award for Most Bizarre Dancing “tic”: Maks and walking

Heidi: He does this all the time and did it again in his freestyle with Kirstie. He has quite long sections of just walking across the dance floor. Don’t get me wrong, it really worked well in the mood of his freestyle, but often it’s just a time-wasting move that he uses too much – IMO, of course. They all have tics or signature moves – but those are MOVES. This is walking. I’m surprised he doesn’t get called on it more often. I’d call him on it. :-)

Courtney: Yeah, I guess it’s kind of his “thing” – like Mark’s jimmy legs, Cheryl’s sheer-skirted ballgowns, or Lacey’s sometimes-pointless displays of flexibility.  I am a bit surprised that he doesn’t get called out on it more, but I guess he does walk with a sense of purpose in his step – I guess I can forgive it more easily than, say, spastic dancing or copied choreo. 

The Award for the Best Use of NEW MATH: Brooke Burke/the Producers

Heidi: Most watched season ever?? Seriously?? TV Guide said it was up by double digits but compared to what?? And for the ENTIRE season and not just the finale? Doubtful. It’s possible I could be brain-dead, but ratings are one of those things I pay attention to and I thought it was down – and some weeks Nielsen reported it was down. Now, granted, I don’t look THAT closely, but damn, I think this is creative math at work here. They’re forcing me to do a post on ratings trends. :-) Maybe they meant to say “Most watched SPRING season ever.” That might work.

Courtney: I feel like the phrases “most watched season ever” and “closest competition ever” have become clichés in the great DWTS lexicon – they seem to toss ‘em out every time the finale rolls around.  And lucky for them – most viewers don’t care enough to contest it.  But for us Scullys & Mulders who know “the truth is out there” – it’s endlessly annoying.  It’s taking liberties with the data – and that pisses us off.  We ain’t stoopid :-)

Heidi: :::swoon::: Just call me Scully – I love me some Mulder. :-)

The “Oh. I didn’t think about that” Award for Failure to Engage the Brain: Mark Ballas, for his freestyle choreography

Heidi: Dude, probably not a good idea to plan to have your partners hands and feet light up, necessitating wires running all up and down her body, AFTER you’ve spent 60 seconds tossing her around the dance floor. OF COURSE the batteries came un-plugged and the battery pack got dislodged (incidentally, affecting her performance – not that it mattered to the stooges). Battery packs with wires + highly tricky dancing = OOPS

Courtney: That was a dumb move on his part, but so was picking a freestyle song/theme that did nothing to showcase his partner’s skills or even allow her to connect to the music.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll go ahead and say it again: I don’t feel like I was watching a performance of their freestyle; it was just a regurgitation, if you will.  Unlike Kirstie & Hines, who I felt both really “connected” to their routines on a personal level, this did not feel like something Chelsea would have chosen for herself – it said nothing about her.  This was music recycled from Mark’s heydey, with moves that show how great MARK is, not Chelsea. The poor girl was just trying to keep up the whole time.  The malfunctioning lights were just icing on the crappy cake. 

Best Song Lyrics Written by a 5-Year Old: Black Eyed Peas Song they Debuted on the Finale

Heidi: So, Will.i.Am’s kid has begun writing song lyrics now?? Really, wasn’t that just one line chanted over and over again for three minutes?? This group continues it’s downward spiral into mediocrity.

Courtney: The Peas are gadawful, period.  I move that we relegate them to Yo Gabba Gabba! duty ASAP, cause their songs are serious gibberish.  Like, seriously – my cat makes more interesting noises when pooping in his litter box than the Black-Eyed Oh-bitch-please – no more! do in a song.  The person I feel most sorry for in this whole Pea-induced debacle is Hines – poor guy had to deal with him at the Superbowl AND the DWTS finale.  I bet he’s ready to slap that metal toupee off Will.i.am’s head and kick Fergie right in her London Bridge.  I’d make some funny comment about the other two, but seriously – who remembers their names? They will eternally be Asian Guy and Other Black Guy to me. That seems punishment enough for those poor souls. Hashtag, just sayin’.  ;-)

Heidi: Bwahahaha…London Bridge. Is that in her mouth or is it a euphemism for…never mind. :-) I like that one song “I Got A Feeling” but mainly because I have seen a home video of four of the five Hough siblings just jamming out to it with Derek leading the way. It takes a Hough…technically 7 of them since it was 4 sibs and 3 of their little girls.

Comedic Line ‘O the Night: ANYTHING by Mike Catherwood.

Heidi: Hilarious dude. The one that really made me giggle was when he called Tristan “Lucky Charms”. LOL And may I just say that he can really pull off that short…body suit thingy that he was wearing. He was trying to be ridiculous, obviously, but I just kept thinking about what an awesome body he had. :-)

Courtney: Mike is seriously doing a disservice to the women of the world by not capitalizing on his fab form.  Case in point: I’m not really a “leg” girl (most regulars here can tell you I’m a pec girl – especially if a guy can make them dance), but I was marveling at how RIPPED Mike’s quads and hamstrings are.  Meeeeooowwww.  The whole “riotously funny” act is just icing on the cake.  Seriously judges (more specifically Carrie Ann…and maybe Bruno) – you couldn’t have ridiculously overscored Mike the first two weeks so we could have kept him around a bit longer? I don’t know too many people who would have been upset if Wendy had gone home earlier ;-)

Heidi’s Favorite Moment of the Night: Petra and Dmitry’s Dance to Josh Groban

Heidi: Okay, this clearly shows what a total SAP I am, but I just loved how Groban walked out there singing and Petra didn’t realize until Dmitry stopped her and pointed – the look on her face was just priceless. That woman is just an angel, I swear.

Courtney: I may have been rolling my eyes and saying “Surprise, surprise”, but I have to admit – Petra’s genuine look of surprise and delight was enough to make sitting through “You Raise Me Up” again worthwhile :-) Such a doll…her gratitude for everything in life is just beautiful. Wish we could have a celeb like her on every season!

The Absolute, Without a Doubt, Stupidest, Most Awkward Bit of the Entire Season, Maybe the Entire Series: Wendy Williams interviewing herself.

Heidi: And trust me when I say that it did NOT get less awkward on the second viewing. It might have been worse because you knew what was coming. For the love of god. The only thing I can’t decide is if watching her dance would have been worse…or better.

Courtney: Let me answer that last query of yours: it would have been worse to see her dance.  That was the only good thing about this gawdawful filler – at least we didn’t have to see her move awkwardly through another cha-cha, quickstep, or foxtrot.  But a singular version of Wendy is annoying enough – I did not need the plural.  And poor Tony had to sit there and play along with the whole shitshow.  FAIL.

The “Me? A Westler? Nope, Comedian is My Current Occupation” Award: Chris Jericho

Heidi: This dude proved to be one of the more intriguing and unexpected characters on this season. Some hard-ass wrestler dude? Nah, he’s a comedian who imitates Bruno and throws himself on the judges table so that Bruno can lay one on him. :-) The whole “rubbing my chest for no apparent reason” was just totally…right on. :-)

Courtney: Just like I wish Mike could have stuck around longer, I really wish we could have seen more of Chris, too – the guy was just so darn LIKEABLE. And his impersonations were spot-on – he really captured the nuances of both Len & Bruno’s accents perfectly.  *sigh* Somehow I think this season would have been slightly less agonizing to watch had we gotten more of Chris…

Real World Problem Award: Kendra falling off the judges’ table at the end of her samba

Courtney: Fact: drunken ass-shaking on elevated surfaces seldom ends well for us common folk.  But you’d think with a bevy of strong, coordinated, muscular guys there to catch her after she dipped, that Kendra would be in no danger of this kind of mishap.  WRONGO-BONGO!!! I’m still trying to figure out how she managed to nearly fall & bust her head open with 5+ able-bodied men within arm’s reach.  Can’t decide if they were just distracted (Teddy) or apathetic (possibly Tristan…;-)).

Heidi: They were trying to dodge pinches from Bruno and got distracted. :-) HEY, it’s not out of the realm – dude has been WAY out of control all season long.

June 2, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS12 Week 9 – The Cheesecake Awards!! (“F You!” Edition)

 Oy veh. This gets harder every week. Gawd. I’m praying for a return to some form of sanity this coming week. Maybe we should take bets on who wears what and dances how for the freestyle. I got dibs on Mark’s shorty pants and maybe some horn rimmed glasses. Either white socks or sparkly socks. I’m also thinking that maybe Maks and either Cheryl or Chelsie won DaD – if it were Mark and/or Lacey they surely would have blabbed by now. :-) Question: Did Maks fans get out the vote?? It’s not the number of fans you have, it’s how many are willing to kill themselves voting. Mark’s fans ARE willing. Are Maks?? I guess we will (maybe) see… On with the show…

Most In Need of a Flashing “Vacancy” Sign on Their Forehead: Brooke Burke

CourtneyDo I even need to touch on the whole coin toss fail? Probably not, but I’m going to anyway :-) I loved the look on Hines’ face as he muttered “Ummm…I think they actually get to pick first.” The expression was one of “God love her, she’s sweet and she’s good lookin’, but MAN, she’s clueless. I play NFL football – I’m kind of an expert on coin tosses.  I have a Ph.D in them, dammit.” Pretty sure this clip is going to be a viral sensation by the end of the week.  The second, perhaps less noticeable (but no less excusable) fail, was when Brooke was introducing Tayla Kelley, the girl with the immunodeficieny syndrome that danced with Lacey & Chelsie.  Apparentely the poor girl’s name was too much for Brooke to handle, because she definitely (noticeably) paused to look down at her cue card before announcing her name.  *sigh* FAIL.

Heidi: Oh, lord, now who’s psychic?? That’s nearly exactly what I was thinking watching it. Hines had this, “Ummmm…how do I break this to her…” look on his face. If there is anyone there who’s going to know the difference between heads and tails (regardless of the head), it’s Hines. As for her blanking on Tayla’s name – gun shy?? If only she hadn’t been so glaringly obvious with the note check. Geez.

The “Mama Didn’t Raise No Fool” Award: Warren Sapp

Courtney: Warren Sapp is no dummy – even he can see right through the nonsense that is the 15 point “winner take all” cha-cha.  Which is why I found it deeply satisfying that he chose to mention it (and by extension, chastise it) on the special freestyle hour prior to the results show.  I believe his words were something like “I didn’t have this 15 points y’all throwin’ around!” You know you’ve made a bad, bad decision when a contestant from 5 SEASONS AGO makes a point of mentioning it, LIVE, when he’s supposed to be chatting about his freestyle.  And Conrad, I’d take heed – Warren’s a pretty big guy.  He could probably cause grave bodily harm just by sitting on you.  You best not be the object of his ire. He’s like Madea or something – he’ll injure you AND make you feel guilty for being bad.  And be hysterically funny while he’s at it :-)

Heidi: He said, “I had to work for my second place” which literally had me on the damn floor laughing. Pretty much summed it up, big guy. But he did seem rather annoyed by it. I have a feeling this won’t be the last “I had to work for it…” comment out of former contestants.

Understatement of the Century Award: Brooke Burke for her whiny immitation of a large chuck of the DWTS Audience “I miss Derek.”

Heidi: Smartest thing you’ve said in a long, long time, sister. And you don’t realize how much until you see his freestyle with Brooke, which was likely his best, IMO. Damn, I miss him. At least with all the crap they’re throwing into this show I would have something pretty to look at if he was around. :-) Not to mention, great dancing. If only he could tweet worth a damn. Then at least I would see more pictures from his set.

Courtney: One of the things I hate most about Brooke is that even when she’s being honest & is speaking from her own heart & mind, she sounds scripted.  That’s what I thought about this – that maybe the folks feeding her lines up in the control booth were like “Tell everyone how much you miss Derek!” in an effort to draw the guy back to the show next season, despite the 3-ring circus it’s been this season.  So of course, she throws out a fakey-sounding “I miss Derek!!!” that just makes me think that she had nothing better to say, even if she really did mean it. As for Derek - honey, run for the hills – or be prepared to throw your weight around to get some changes made.  Grab Conrad by the (proverbial) balls and demand that he bury this damned “winner take all” dance forever, and that the judges get sent to rehab over the summer.  And maybe demand that Mark’s sparkly sock & flood pants budget be cut – that way he’s forced to dress normally, like the rest of the male pros :-)

Heidi: I think you have identified part of the problem. When Derek is around he DOES ask Mark what the hell he’s wearing and asks him if he’s crazy…and makes fun of him. Apparently that had a much bigger impact on Mark than we previously realized. :-D

Award for Pro Most Likely to be Suffering from a Head Injury: Mark Ballas “The freestyle is the time to go out of the box”.

Heidi: Um…Mark? Were you dropped on your head?? As my friend Dee so eloquently screamed on Twitter, “He’s been out of the box half the season!!!!”

Courtney: *shaking my head* If he thinks he’s been IN the box all season, then I am dreading to see him really & truly “out of the box”.  Can’t wait to see what that entails – Russian folk dancing? Pole dancing? A giant squid costume? Midgets on rollerskates? :-) In all seriousness though – freestyles that have been “out of the box” have generally not fared so well on the show.  I daresay going against the grain didn’t work for Marie & Jonathan and Erin & Maks. Like it or not, there is a certain formula that seems to always work for freestyles on this show: high-energy & upbeat, with eye-catching tricks, and a good, collaborative effort by both members of the partnership.   If Mark is planning on going against that golden formula (which has won him two MBT’s in the past, mind you), he could be setting he & Chelsea up for failure.  Now is definitely NOT the time to go slow, edgy, or bizarre.

Heidi: You’re right, of course, now that I think on it more. None of Derek’s nor Mark’s previous freestyles were what I would call “out of the box”. None of Kym’s either. I wouldn’t even really call Julianne’s terribly risky or outrageous. But they were all upbeat, high energy with good music.

Stupidest Producer Idea BESIDES the BonASS Dance, Week 9: Play by Play during the freestyles.

Heidi: I love Warren and all, but I really wanted him to shut the hell up so I could watch the dance again in peace. And do I even need to comment on the massive ego that is Donny Osmond? Dude, your Vegas show is re-opening…MOVE ON. Amazingly enough, the only one that worked was Brooke, because she wanted to watch her dance with Derek again as much as I did! Which of course, makes me think of the next award…

Courtney: I actually got kind of a kick out of Warren giving his commentary – it was done in a rather tongue-in-cheek fashion, where you could probably tell that Warren felt silly doing it and just decided to run with it :-) I was half expecting him to bust out with a “Boom goes the dynamite!” or “Whammy!” mid-commentary.  Donny – just, no.  Nuff said. Move on.  Apollo – zzzzzzzz.  Brooke – meh.  Was nice to see her unscripted, but it still smacked of cluelessness. 

Heidi: Apollo was on there?? Oh yeah, I have a vague recollection of saying “Apollo = Cute” on twitter before I took a bit of a nap. :-)

Best Freudian Slip, Possibly in the History of DWTS: Tom Bergeron, for (paraphrasing), “there’s where you needed the breast implant” when talking to Brooke during her Freestyle

Heidi: I would have to watch it again to get his exact wording, but I actually guffawed again when he said it. Totally Freudian and props to Brooke for rolling with it and snarkily correcting him. “That’s breast PAD, Tom.” Best work on DWTS she’s done since she did that Freestyle, probably. :-)

Courtney: Somewhat off-topic, but aren’t Brooke’s fake? And isn’t it kind of common knowledge? Cause the way she reacted, she made it seem like Tom was outing her as part of the Fake Boobie Brigade or something.  I could totally see her pulling Tom aside during the break and saying “How could you??!! Now EVERYONE’s gonna know my boobs are fake and I’m gonna be the laughing stock of this show!!!” No worries, Brookie – you’ve been the laughing stock for awhile now.  It’s nothing new :-)

Worst (Best???) Fashion Accessory, Week 9: Ralph Macchio’s “butt booster”; Honorable Mention: Brooke Burke’s “Boobie Butt”

Heidi: I confess I don’t know whether Ralph’s butt booster is “best” or worst because, while hilarious, it was kinda sad that you couldn’t be sure he was actually wearing a faux butt. Because, the man has no butt. Poor baby. Butt (heh) there to take all the spirit of fun out of it was Bruno the asshole and his diaper comment. Bruno, here’s a thought – put a diaper over your face and spare us your vile commentary, you little troll. Speaking of no butt – I only point out Brooke’s butt padding because it lead to one of the great Freudian slips of all time. :-)

Courtney: As one of the many Americans suffering from WGB Syndrome (white girl booty syndrome), I feel Ralph’s pain.  I myself have been forced to resort to “enhancements” just to fill out certain outfits on a few occasions – sucks that a lot of the clothing manufacturers don’t cater to the gluteally-deficient :-( And for those of you who follow me on Twitter, I’m sure you’ve seen me bemoaning the fact that the photographer definitely photoshopped my butt in my most recent photo shoot *sniff*.  But yeah, I digress – Bruno is a sleazebag and I could make a million & one distasteful jokes about his hindquarters and what he does with them…but I’m not gonna stoop that low.  :-) I gotta give Ralph props for playing along a bit and giving Bruno that adorable coy expression after Bruno’s inquiry about the diaper.  When you’re dressed up like Persian gangster, complete with silky shirt & chains, and you’re gyrating your fake butt to Pitbull – it helps to have a sense of humor :-)

Weirdest Freakin’ Rant in the History of DWTS: Maks, for “Stop reacting on my negative things in a negative way because then we both negative. One of us has to be normal”

Heidi: Um…Maks? Were you dropped on your head?? Dude, you realize I had to rewind that like four times to actually transcribe that whole bizarre, yet oddly amusing diatribe?? LOL. Weirdest of all – Kirstie understood what he was saying! She ALMOST starts laughing at him and then I think she realized that it’s not nice to laugh at crazy people.

Courtney: *still scratching head* WTF did he mean? Did it get lost in translation going from Russian to English? *shaking head* Guess I’m glad that Kirstie & Maks are so in tune with one another that she understood this without any explanation. 

Brooke Burke Question so stupid and redundant that even Kirstie had Nothing: “How do you like those 9′s???

Heidi: To which Kirstie responded, “um…YAY!!!” I mean, really, the voices in Brooke’s head have GOT to shape up because this is getting ridiculous. Surely there is SOMETHING else she can ask them about. Didn’t she just ask about their 9′s last week??

Courtney: Brooke had better shape up or get out.  This is her THIRD season doing this – she should be far better at it than she is at this point.  She’s like one of those Tickle Me Elmos that only can say like, 3 phrases – and she’s not as cute as Elmo.

May 21, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!