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DWTS 12, Week 8 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

You know, there are possibly a few more cheesecake moments out there, since I didn’t finish watching the results show for the second time, but I think it’s safe to say that Courtney and I are rather tired of DWTS right at this moment in time. :-) This show can be draining when so many turds are involved. And my favorite boy is absent. :::sob::: I do know that I forgot the mention Kenny and Jerry playing ping pong with the 10 paddles – cuz Len never uses them. LOL. Ah well, on with the show.

Celebrity Most Likely to Test Higher than Her Professional Partner on the “How to Win Votes on DWTS” Quiz: Chelsea Kane

Heidi: I gave a big “whoo hoo” when Chelsea and Mark had their little talk, I confess. I like the girl very much, but her partner is annoying me to no end this season. Wait, deja vu – didn’t we give her a similar award earler in the season?? I might have to deduct a point for backsliding, but still…it’s progress. :-)

Courtney: At the end of the day, I do feel sorry for Chelsea – she is technically the best dancer left (at least in my eyes), but I feel like her partner’s behavior may have cost her the MBT this season.  Poor girl can do a pretty good dance and then I can see her standing there, stifiling a cringe with a painted-on smile while Mark shoots them in the foot.  As a member of the Disney family, Chelsea has a Ph.D in being PC (aside from the occasional ageist comment) – and Mark still seems to be struggling to get his GED in the subject.  Learn ‘im good, Chelsea – learn ‘im good. 

The Muppet/Orangutan Award for Biggest Production Snafu: the jumped musical cue for Chelsea & Mark’s instant salsa; (dis)honorable mention for the camera guy making a mad dash across the floor as Chelsea & Mark finished their waltz

Courtney: Gee, I sure h0pe the show is saving a TON of money by bringing on Muppet & primate technical staff like this :-) That music cue was wayyyyy too early – we didn’t even get to hear the pleasant English voice from the heavens finish his little intro. And dammit, people, without the voice from heaven, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF DANCE I’M WATCHING!!! Or who the hell is dancing.  (kidding) Then again, this salsa did kinda look more like a jive…anywho, I digress.  The look on Mark’s face was priceless – a split second of utter horror, and then he just started gyrating furiously.  Poor Chelsea looked back at him in confusion and I could practically hear him hissing “GO!!! JUST GO!!!” I do have to give them credit for going with it and still managing to at least look like they were on time. As for the darting camera guy – some of you who were more enthralled with their waltz probably didn’t notice it, but for those of us less taken by the emotion of it, I was amsued by the camera guy scuttling across the floor in the background to get out of the shot (skip to the 1:49 mark).  :-) The juxtaposition was hilarious to me: a lovely, heartwrenching waltz…and a camera guy who’s pants are ablaze. :-) While I did have to chuckle a bit at both of the above goofs, I have to wonder if the Muppets are out to sabotage Chelsea & Mark…or maybe they’re just drawn to their own kind (Mark).

Heidi: Did the guy have orange, feather-like hair and was he screaming, “Animal, animal, ahhhhh”? Or however Animal used to do it. I guess I’m too old to remember. College killed those brain cells.

Courtney: Not to sound haughty, m’dear, but I believe Animal’s hair is hot pink and not orange :-) And I believe it was more “A-ni-mal, a-ni-mal, a-ni-mal, aaaaaahhhhhhh!” Not that I’m a Muppet aficianado or anything… ;-)

Award for Most interesting Motivational speech: Kym Johnson for “Your butt looks cute in those white pants. Got the booty in the white pants.”

Heidi: I’m sorry, but these two are so freakin’ cute. She’s singing that last part and twirling her skirt. What is UP with that? Cute. If she was male, she’s slap him on the ass and say, “huddle up!!” Somehow, though, I think that Aussie accent talking about his butt is about all the motivation Hines needs to shake it. :-)

Courtney: To quote R. Kelly “My mind’s tellin’ me nooooooo….but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yeeeessss…” ;-)

Most Ill-Advised Accessory: Hines Ward, for the James Brown wig

Heidi: What the hell was that? I thought for a minute it was Eddie Murphy straight out of Saturday Night Live. Or that singer dude from Animal House. Or Kym had killed a Wallaby and put it on his head. Whatever it was, the producers need to be spanked for not showing us more of exactly how that came about.

Courtney: Did I miss this? I must have.  But the mere thought of it is bringing to mind a 30-something, black version of Bieber.  *shudder* Moving right along…

Heidi: OTIS DAY!!! It just came to me! That’s totally who I thought of when I saw Hines in that wig. Which is why I found it so funny. And Otis ain’t no Beiber

Award for Funniest Dance Center Bit by Production: Kirstie Alley’s stats

Heidi: Let’s recap shall we? Kirstie’s Shoe? “Removable”. Weight? “Diminishing” Notes: “Everybody Knows Her Name” and “Part Time Floor Inspector”. Maybe I’m easy, but that one is LOL funny. And that whole bit with not being able to pronounce Maks’ name and saying she could be his grandma, Kenny’s sister, Len’s wife – the tangents are often funnier than the commentary on dancing. For example, the fact that they got ahold of a big clip from The Bachelor, Ukraine. Then the Kirstie “noises” and Jerry Rice dipping a picture of himself in a bottle of “sex”. Jaysus! What can I say? I got nuthin’ other than a big LOL!! I think I snorted beer up my nose.

Courtney: I really wish I could understand what the hell they were saying in those Bachelor ads.  Just the voice makes me laugh.  The guy could be saying “enema” or “banjo” or “aardvark” and it wouldn’t matter – it still sounds uber-sexy! As for Dance Center – the Kirstie segment was really the only funny part for me.  Although something about Jerry seductively licking a cardboard cut-out of himself dipped in some mysterious sticky stuff labeled “sex” made me a little nauseous. :-/

Heidi: Okay, I’m weird, that was my favorite part. ;-)

Award for the Celebrity Who is the LEAST Ambiguous about His Reasons for Doing the Show: Romeo

Heidi: I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure he’s doing it for the kids.

Courtney: *eyes wide* Seriously??? I thought he was doing it for those snazzy shoes he got to wear ;-)

The Award for Best Verification that We are INDEED watching DWTS: Dmitry Chaplin

Heidi: As soon as I spotted his bare chest, I was so relieved. I thought we had stumbled into an alternate universe where short men and tall beautiful women wail together in some sort of mating ritual. Then I was all, “Oh look, there’s Dmitry’s chest. IT IS Dancing With The Stars.” :::whew::: (Sarcasm brought to you by Corona, the tasty Mexican beer)

Courtney: Dmitry must have a built-in shirt repellant module in his chest that prevents anything from covering up his pecs.  He’s like the Russian, glittery Iron Man. 

The STFU!! Award for the Bearer of Bad News: Brooke Burke, for her mention of the BonASS dance and subsequent Heidi lightbulb moment of “Hey…wait a second….”

Heidi: Credit to Brooke for that first mention of the BonASS dance which made me sit up straight and go “WHUT?!?!” shortly followed by, “No she di’int!” and “You’ve got to be f@#king kidding me!!” Yes, that is exactly what went through my head. :-) Then I ran the numbers and it was “OH HELL NO?!?!” Seriously, only DWTS producers could be as brilliant as Dance Center and as asinine as the BonASS dance all in one week. But, I bet we can easily give most or all of the writing credit for Dance Center to Kenny Maine and the boys. Why? I SAID SO, that’s why. Why yes, I am irate, what’s it to ya??

Courtney: I find it highly suspect that they said it with such nonchalance…just like “Oh yeah, wasn’t Dance Center great? Next week we’ve got Pitbull, Stevie Nicks, a dance worth 15 points that could basically guarantee that person goes to the finals, some midgets on roller skates, a live komodo dragon, Carol Channing, and much, much more!” Call me a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but there is a reason why we’ve heard NOTHING from ABC about this dance – because they know if they said anything official, riots would ensue.  People would be flipping over cars & raiding store fronts & setting fire to piles of rubble if they knew just how truly f*cked this dance really is. Proverbially, of course. :-) But I do have to credit Heidi with picking up on it and saying “Wait a minute…this ain’t right…” because so far, I feel like we’re the only site that’s actually addressed the true screwiness of it, and any other discussions that have cropped up have *gasp* referenced Heidi’s post about it.  And of course, some are poo-pooing it…saying “ABC can’t possibly be that crazy! Those crazy bitches at PureDWTS are smoking crack!” But alas, they are, and when some lucky couple gets a free pass to the finals on Monday night and Armageddon is upon us, Heidi & I will be sitting in our figurative nuclear shelters, power voting for Ralph with the 500+ verified accounts we’ve created as a precaution, sipping on some brewskis and saying “Welp, we told you so…but you didn’t listen.” Heidi’s like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day - the nerd with the calculator being dismissed when he tries to tell everyone the aliens are coming.  I guess that makes me…Will Smith? Or his exotic dancer girlfriend?  Idk…this simile has gotten far too complicated.  *sips mimosa*

Heidi: Hey, Will, everyone knows that…say it with me people…crack is wack. It’s entirely possible we’ll end up being wrong (I don’t THINK so, though), and part of me is praying that all the rioting would have the effect of making them change their mind. I am willing for people to believe I’m wrong because they changed their mind just so this DOESN’T happen this way. But I think it will, because at the end of the day the producers seem to be a bunch of little boys sitting in a room with no connection to the outside world, exhausted after playing Mortal Kombat, when one of them says, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if….”

The Deja Vu Moment of Week 8 Brought to You By “Backsliders Anonymous”: Maksim Chmerkovskiy and his poor, shattered mic pack

Heidi: Fer a minute there I thought we had time traveled back to Season 10 and his next move would be a most hilarious, jumping up and down, full-on temper tantrum. At which point I would again cackle with glee and start typing out a cheesecake award. Oh. Wait…

Courtney: You can take the Maks out of the Erin Andrews-induced toddler phase – but you can’t fully take the toddler out of Maks. :-)  He had a momentary, 1-year deevolution. But luckily, he managed to lock it up and get back to business…but RIP undoubtedly expensive mic pack.

Heidi: Yep, Mr. “I am sex on a stick” laid out some serious coin for that little tantrum. :-) I have to hand it to him – he lasted all the way till week 8 before he slipped. He probably called his sponsor (Kirstie) and got right back on the wagon.  

Least Suprising Revelation by a Host: Brooke Burke sometimes “forgets to eat”

Courtney: So Kirstie’s explaining why she felt faint during practice, that she’s just not been eating like she should and that she “forgot” – and Brooke chimes in “Oh, me too!” :-) Why am I not at all surprised by this?

Heidi: Perhaps it’s the fact that you can count her ribs or cut yourself on her collarbone?? :-) HI, Brooke, here’s a sandwich.

May 14, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS12 Week 7 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Heidi here, again – I should change the author of the post to save myself the trouble. :-) Anyway, this would have been posted 4 hours ago except that I fell asleep while waiting for Courtney….okay, I’m kinda kidding. I did fall asleep but according to my time line, my nap coincided with her getting done.  Hey!! I busted my ass all morning long!! I cleaned out TWO closets, bagged stuff for Goodwill and made a trip to the dumpster. So there.  Anyway…on with the show…

The Salt in the Wound Award: Brooke Burke

Courtney: Everyone’s favorite flaky cohost had an uncanny way of asking questions this week that seemed to make the answerers feel like poop :-) She made sure to ask Ralph how it felt to be the old guy on Team Chelsea. She asked Romeo how it felt to be the last one picked.  She reminded Team Hines that Chelsie had referred to them as “old parents”.  Wow Brooke, you sure know how to make the contestants feel like a million bucks :-)

Heidi: Now that you mention it, I did find myself saying STFU an awful lot…

Len Goodman Creepy Old Guy Phrase O’ the Week: “And the boobie prize goes to…”

Courtney: Was I the only one that saw a moment of utter disgust on Kendra, Kirstie, & Kym’s faces when Len announced that their team had won the “Boobie Prize”? They all looked down at their ample bosoms (of which Kym’s Awesome Boobage still reigns supreme ;-)) and then looked up in horror.

Heidi:I feel dirty.

DWTS Sexual harassment Lawsuit Fodder O’ the Week: Romeo’s declaration of there being “a party in my pants…and everyone’s invited!”

Courtney: I’m sure Bruno has already RSVP’d.

Heidi: I’m sure the place will be packed.

The “You Started it!” Award, a.k.a. Payback is a Beyotch Award: The Tag Team of Len Goodman and Tom Bergeron for video of Mark confronting Len and the declaration of “I don’t know what he’s moaning about…Maybe it’s Youth”.

Heidi: Ya know, I gotta laugh at that, because when you act like a brat on this show, you have to know there will be consequences.  Last week Tom and the producers got Bruno with the Elton John video. This week was Mark’s turn - act pouty and sulky and make non-obscene gestures which everyone around you then has to explain away as a secret hand gesture between you and your father, confront Len, complain about Len – and well, gee, you have to know that there could be repercussions. :-)  Funny ones.  So, they show the “confrontation” and then Tom and Len proceed to talk about Mark. Tom essentially gives Len a platform to come back and Mark has to grin and bear it. But the VERY best part of the whole exchange was the declaration by Len: “I don’t know what he’s moaning about. Maybe it’s youth”. It made me think that perhaps Mark and Chelsea shouldn’t have excused all their varied activities (risks, etc.) on being young. :-D It might come back on you at some point. Of course, Tom had to come back with, “You don’t remember that, do you.” Great thing about Len is he can laugh when Tom makes cracks about him.

Courtney: I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a certain smug satisfaction from seeing Mark squirm uncomfortably as Tom & Len talked about him in the 3rd person :-) And yes, as “unfair” as the show may seem to some, karma always comes back to either reward or punish people – granted, it may take a season or two, but payback’s a bitch regardless…trust me, I know her personally ;-) But you’d think by now that most of these pros would be cognizant of the fact that the cameras catch EVERYTHING…and they’ll use that footage however they see fit to garner ratings.  Just like you have no room to bitch & moan if you know Len hates “edgy” and he gives you bad scores when you do “edgy”, you also can’t complain about being painted in a bad light due to the footage they choose to show of you.  Lessons to be learned in your “youth”, dear Mark…

Best Use of Chemistry (and I don’t mean drugs), Week 7: Hines and Kym for their confessional as shown on the results show.

Heidi: Seriously, what was Hines doing with another woman the other night when he and Kym are the cutest things ever? Their confessional was, once again, the cutest thing about the results show. Kym’s going on and on about how Hines “took control” of her, blah blah and he grabs her arm and yanks her toward him and she’s all “Oh hello” – was she purring? I might have. :-) Wait…is this more than you needed to know about me? ;-)

Courtney: Idk, as much flak as this is probably gonna get me, Hines is in the doghouse with me right now – not for the whole accidental run-in with the law nonsense, but because he was with some “mystery woman” and not She of the Awesome Boobage.  Seriously – if there’s anyone in the cast that I think is mere inches away from a tawdry late-night, post-rehearsal rendezvous at the Chateau Marmont, it’s these two.  Such cute, genuine chemistry between them – on the floor and off.  I am a total Hinenkym shipper.  Their cute kids would emerge from the womb ready to model for United Colors of Benetton. :-)

Best Excuse for Screwing Up a Dance, Season 7 thus far: Kirstie Ally – “I kissed you and everything’s a blur after that.”

Heidi: No wonder Maks loves her – who wouldn’t love a constant ego boost. :-) And she’s just so dang funny about it while seeming as straight forward as you can get. It’s quite endearing.

Courtney: Kirstie, you wise & wily little minx – you know quite well that flattery will get you everywhere when it comes to a certain virile, macho Russian.  And you know that comedy will get you everywhere with the audience – only you would be able to turn kissing & bad juju into acceptable excuses for poor performances. :-)

Award For Open Mic Moment That Was Most Reminiscent of a Porn Movie: Karina (and Ralph)

Heidi: Um, not that I watch porn. No siree, not me. Ahem. Anyway, when they replay parts of the dance with the mics open on the couple, Karina *squeals* when Ralph drags her over the bar, then you hear a lot of heavy breathing, then Ralph says, “You Okay” and Karina pants “Yes”. Come ON!! That is so porno. No wonder I love Ralph. ;-) Is this too much about me again? :-)

Courtney: Ahem.  Well, those of you that follow me on Twitter know that I am quite openly a fan of “adult films”.  But we’ll leave that at that for now.  Anywho! If Stevie Wonder had been watching-er, LISTENING to the show, he may have gotten the wrong idea, based on the exchange that was heard following the 2nd “fall heard round the world”.  Oh Ralphie, you stud you – you and that fire down below! :-P

Award for Stupidest Time Filler in the History (probably, so far) of the Show: Pros and their Celebs, One on One

Heidi: CUT THE SHOW TO AN HOUR. Please. I beg you. Don’t feed me any more crap like this craptastic crap-fest. Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, the next two awards will be birthed from the crapfest, so while I beg you to STOP the f@#king melodrama, I also have to say thank you. :-)

Courtney: Dumb, scripted poppycock. I was waiting for a suitcase of cash and some drugs to exchange hands…or the Feds to burst in or something.  I was disappointed. :-(

Award for Best Rejection in the Stupidest Time Filler in History: Maksim Chmerkovskiy for his response to Kirstie Alley’s long winded request of what she needs for a good partnership followed by: “Deal?” Maks: “Probably not”.

Heidi: I got the feeling that Maks also thought it was the stupidest time filler in the history of the show. :-) When it’s Kirstie and Maks, he can say shit like this and make it the most endearing and funny thing ever. Context is everything.

Courtney: As I said previously in the season, I think these two were the first to really realize what a f*cking joke the show can be sometimes – and their brand of “playing along” involves some very tongue-in-cheek exchanges. This was no exception :-) I’m interested to see what kind of humor they bring to the table as the finale approaches…because we all know the amount of nonsense we’re made to sit through is directly proportional to how far along we are in the competition.  Yay.

Award for Best Ridicule of the Stupidest Time Filler in History: Tom Bergeron for “We had to kick out a poker tournament and 3 psychics to get that space!!”

Heidi: BURN. Well done, Tommy B. :-)

Courtney: Bah, I think Tom’s prolly exaggerating – Miss Cleo got shut down how many years ago? That room was probably bank-owned and sitting abandoned in a warehouse in Fresno -  I bet the location scout tasked with procuring a space for that bit nabbed it for pennies on the dollar and blew the rest of his budget on Cuervo. :-)

Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Romeo has found that you’re never too imperiled to plug.” Honorable Mention: “The audience is all calmed down now that I’ve blamed everything on the producers.”

Heidi: Tom finally addressed what everyone noticed a while ago – that Romeo works this show like the media tool it was meant to be. :-) LOL. And then Tom sneaks in another dig at who REALLY makes him put people in jeopardy (and who are responsible for Pia pimpage, stupidest time filler in the history of the show, craptastic songs that don’t go with the dances they’re being used for, etc.) – those pesky producers. Tom was back in fine form after a week where everything (and not just him) seemed a bit forced.

Courtney: Hey, can’t blame the kid – if elimination is likely immenint, you may as well try to get people to come see you elsewhere :-) Sublimal message in Tom’s line about the producers: “Conrad Green is a turd. You will write many letters to the network demanding that he be replaced.  And you will protest outside the office of the Primetime Emmy Awards committee until they agree to fix the results of the Best Reality TV Host competition in my favor.”

Heidi: Man…EVERY year Tommy is robbed in favor of he of the massive dimples – The Probst.  Probst, sit out a season – you are massively edited to get the best results whereas Tom is LIVE every week and never misses a beat!!  The man is deserving!!

May 7, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS 12, Week 6 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Heidi here – I found Courtney and she finally finished her part. :-) She made some excuse about being a good girlfriend – but for 24 hours?? Dayum. ;-) I will also say that I tried and tried and TRIED to come up with some form of “dirty old man” award for Len – that whole little voice over with the picture-in-picture thing he did for Hines and Kym on the “Road to the Finals” was just KILLING ME in it’s bizarre, chuckly tone. Seriously killing me. Killing me so bad that…I got nuthin’. :-) I wish I could think of a prize to give to the commenter who comes up with the best line…but I got nuthin’ there either. So, give it a shot just for fun. :-) On with the show…

The “Elephant in the Room” Award: Pia Toscano’s performance

Courtney: They hyped this one for all it was worth – the commercials, the near-constant mentions on the performance show. Hell, they even made a point of showing us Mark & Pia acting all “chummy” (with a sulking Karina off to the side) before the commerical break.  But don’t anyone DARE ask Pia about Mark, or vice-versa!!! No no no no…that’s not of our business, she’s just here because she’s so insanely talented that DWTS & Idol put aside their mutual hatred (and ironclad legal agreements)  in order to allow her to perform.  It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact she’s been spotted out on dates with him on several occasions – and that was only a happy accident that TMZ just happened to be at the same place at the same time…more than once.  Shame on us for even being curious!!! Did you guys sense the sarcasm there? :-) My point: don’t ram these two down our throats at every opportunity, and then act all taken aback when someone inquires about their liasion.  DWTS viewers are not dumb – they can smell when something’s rotten in the state of Denmark.

Heidi:Especially when Mark and Pia are pictured having dinner with Harry Levin of TMZ fame. :-) I felt bad for Tom – don’t think he really wanted to play their game. But it also occurs to me that the new singing show airing on NBC at the same time could be part of this deal. The Voice?? Why else would AI and DWTS team up? I can’t imagine they are that invested in pimping either Mark or Pia that much – and really AI wins more with that one. Don’t they have right of first refusal on record deals with the Top 10 or so? Sure does make sense to keep her in the public eye. Good lord I’m a cynic. :-) But yeah, Mark and Pia have really given up their right to act coy at this point. And I’m Sooooo over it. In any case, we’ll probably never see her with Mark again. At 11 mil viewers, the Voice is no threat to AI or DWTS. Mission accomplished.

Musical Guest We’d Most Like to See Back as a Contestant: Donnie Wahlberg

Courtney: When I first saw Peta tweeting about she & Anna performing with Donnie & Joey from NKOTB, I think I groaned aloud…something like “This oughta be good…NOT.” Then I actually saw it happen – and I have to admit, I was slack-jawed by the end of the short little routine they did and found myself wanting to see more of Donnie & Peta dancing! Did you guys see this guy’s hip action & arms??? INSANELY GOOD.  Especially if he only had a few hours of practice with Peta.  Hell, while Joey was (and still is) adorable, now I kinda wish they had gotten Donnie for season 1 of DWTS instead – he could have mopped the floor with Kelly Monaco.  Sadly, while there seem to be many others on Twitter campaigning for a Donnie & Peta partnership on DWTS13, I doubt it’s gonna happen anytime soon – he’s tied up with Blue Bloods, which is on CBS.  *sigh* Then again, DWTS seems to have climbed into bed with Idol (which is on Fox), so maybe it’s not completely out of the question…;-)

Heidi:Am I missing something? Why wouldn’t Donnie be considered just as big a ringer as Nicole, Sabrina, Mel B and Lance? I mean, people got on Nicole for Pussycat Dolls, Sabrina for Cheetah Girls and Mel B for that silly British Girl band, Girls Aloud…I mean Spice Girls. ;-) Why is the ringer label not popping up if it’s a boy band? Lance never got it much either. Don’t get it – they have the same experiences. I have a feeling this is another case of it being okay for the guys but not the girls. But then, as a music snob who dated musicians before I wised up, I know next to nothing about either BSB or NKOTB. :-) All THAT said – I don’t mind a ringer. Especially after this season.

Courtney: Oh I don’t doubt that there will be cries of “ringer!” if and when this does happen – and that’s a big IF.  But I daresay, with all the buzz I’m seeing on Twitter, it would not surprise me if his name cropped up in some of our DWTS13 Casting Rumors posts.  And I have no problems with that…Donnie seems like he’d be entertaining to watch.  And he’s still kinda eye-candyish…in a rugged, bad boy sorta way.  I think he’s made my “list”…yeah, THAT list ;-)

Heidi: Oh, I have no problem with ringers as long as EVERYONE gets the same criteria applied to them. Somehow, though, I think that someone is only truly a ringer if they happen to be dancing with Derek Hough. The problem for me was never that someone was a ringer, but the labeling of everyone Derek danced with a ringer. Which is just, sorry, ignorant. :-)

The Ego A-Go-Go Award: Donny Osmond

Courtney: For someone that won the show 3 SEASONS AGO, Donny is sure acting the part of a recent MBT trophy winner pretty well – he’s cropping up and offering his “commentary” to pretty much anyone that will listen, and by commentary, I mean him accusing this season’s male contestants of having a “big ego”…and reminding us that he won season 9. :-) I know, I know – many of you claim he’s “just joking”…but if that is indeed the case, it’s getting old…or rather, it’s already gotten old, and now it’s just kinda annoying.  Not quite sure why he keeps repeating this one…is it because he’s scared that he might loose his title of “last dude to win DWTS” to one of this season’s guys? Hmmmm…

Heidi:He needs a mirror check, fer real. Then he was saying that Chelsea looks like a pro to him – as if he’s qualified to know what pro dancing looks like. But then, he dances next to Marie 8 shows a week in Vegas – I bet Chelsea does look pretty good. :-D

Production Screw Up of the Week: the Camera work on Kirstie’s Samba Package

Heidi: Note to the producers – giving the camera to the field producer who shakes like he’s got DT’s is not a way to show that you are a high class operation. Dang, people, the shaking in the effort to get the shot made the whole thing nauseating. So, did someone have a hard night of partying? Undiagnosed Parkinson’s? What? Maybe an investment in a steadycam is a good idea.

Courtney: Looks like the B-squad of Muppet & primate camera operators are back in action in order to cut down the overhead costs…since they blew their budget on musical guests this past week.  I’m gonna blame Animal for this one – I bet he’s a huge Kirstie fan, and was excitedly chanting “SAMBA! SAMBA! SAMBA!” while trying to get the shot. :-)

Brooke Burke DUH! Line of the Week: “Were you hoping for 9′s?” Said to Kirstie and Maks AFTER their package clearly stated they were hoping for Nines.

Heidi: Sorry, Brooke fans, my eyes rolled right out of my head. No Brooke, I’m sure they were hoping for fives or sixes. Jaysus. I blame the voices in her head – they can’t be too sharp either or she would have better questions to ask.

Courtney: DEET-DAH-DEE.  The problem with canned responses – they don’t work if the context changes.  So if Kirstie mentions something beforehand about wanting all 9′s, you better have a backup response planned, Brookie…hell, you can always use the uber-generic “So how did it feel to get out there and perform this week?” or even “Do you guys want some cheesecake?” ;-) Just make sure you only use the backup phrase once in a broadcast, lest you look like a complete nincompoop. 

The “Don’t Screw With Me, I can go to Videotape at Anytime” Award for Revenge is a Dish Best Served…NOW!! – Tom Bergeron, for cutting to video of Bruno in Elton’s Video right after Bruno gets WAY too carried away with Kendra, calling her a stripper and waving dollar bills at her, among other things.

Heidi: Bwahahaha….this was seriously priceless, and should teach Bruno to reign it in a bit, as the producers can cut to that video AT ANY TIME. Dude, you best be careful with what you call people – we’ve seen your attire. I especially loved the black swimsuit number that looked like something out of a gay porn movie.

Courtney: What the hell WAS that black thing? Looked vaguely like a diaper onesie…that the biker from Village People would have worn had he been incontinent.  Some of those dance moves were something else, too…vaguely seizure-ish.  Is this where Gaga gets her inspiration? Anywho, I doubt Kendra is gonna go anywhere near Bruno with a ten-foot pole after seeing that video…not that she would have beforehand, anyway.  As far as Bruno’s concerned…he’d prolly rather leave Kendra and just take the 10 foot pole ;-) ZING!!! Too much?

Heidi: Too much? Are you kidding? ;-)

Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Bruno said, after seeing his younger self, isn’t it a shame about gravity?” Honorable Mention: “It’s like having imaginary friends” said in reference to him reading his lines about the couples behind him and turning to see they weren’t there.

Heidi: Tommy was on a roll…and apparently Bruno displeased him at some point during the night, because he had a bullseye on his chest. :-) LOVED the line about gravity, but it was also especially hilarious to watch him on the results show turn to see no couples on the stage behind him. And turn again to find them still not there. And again…I think he turned around three times and none of the couples were ever there. It was hilarious. I expect to see a porn clip of the stage manager who caused this on next weeks show. :-) “Roll videotape!”

Courtney: Poor Tom.  First he was tasked with asking the uncomfortable “Mark & Pia” question, and then he had to stall for time when there were no couples behind him.  Luckily for us – Tom is a master time-filler ;-) And a master of putting judges on ego trips in their places.  He’s done it to Len and Bruno…the question is: will he have the cojones to dredge up footage of a topless Carrie Ann from her days as a bald pole-dancer on Madonna’s Girlie Show tour? Or how bout a clip from her turn as a *gasp* topless Vegas showgirl in Showgirls? And there’s always the footage of her playing naughty Japanese schoolgirl Fook Mi (or is it Fook Yu?) in the third Austin Powers movie.  If I were Carrie Ann, I’d be on my best behavior ;-)

The “It’s the Charleston, I can’t help myself” Award for Out Dancing Your Partner: Mark Ballas

Heidi: Sweetie, we know you’re a pro. And your dance with Chelsea was actually good – until we got to the Charleston section where you just cut loose and out dance her. Calm it down a bit, would ya? Chelsea is a GOOD dancer, but when you out dance her like that it makes her look less talented than she is. The plus side is, of course, that one can make a GREAT drinking game out of the moments where you out dance her. Some nights, the result is a slight buzz, other nights result in severe alcohol poisoning. This was a “slight buzz” night, so all hope is not lost. :-)

Courtney: Man…glad I didn’t try to play the Mark Ballas drinking game last season.  If I had, I’d probably be using this site to solicit a black-market liver donation :-) But man, Mark does seem to love the Charleston – or really any dance that gives him the excuse to do crazy legs and pull crazy faces.  And that section really did highlight the contrast between pro & celeb – poor Chelsea, god love her, was moving so gingerly, so as not to exacerbate Mark’s ankle injury; Mark was out there dancing like it was 1999 (I <3 Prince…another guilty pleasure ;-)).  I mean, I give the guy props for soldiering through his injury…but was it really necessary to go this balls-to-the-walls? He could have toned it down a bit and still had a great performance.

The Award for Saccharine Sweet Confessionals, Season 12: Hines and Kym

Heidi: I LIKE Saccharine Sweet!! Too much sugar makes me nauseous. :-) Seriously, since the beginning of the season Hines and Kym have been doing their own personal version of the end zone dance in the confessional and I keep meaning to mention how cute and endearing it is. Complete with “Whoop Whoop”s. :-) I think this is Hines getting it out of his system because he said his momma doesn’t like it when he does the real thing. :-) So cute.

Courtney: Methinks it’s only a matter of time before they’re doing the end zone dance…in the bedroom. ;-) HIYOOOO!

The Award for the Worst Unintended (I think) Innuendo in the History of the Show: Hines Ward for a comment SO bad that I can’t actually explain it here. :-)

Heidi: Does anyone know what I’m talking about, or am I the only one with an extremely dirty mind?? I seriously can’t repeat it. I will just say that Hines was talking about singing in the shower, and his fans…and he uses a word that, well, puts the conversation in a very dirty context. Puts a whole different spin on…showers. The producers didn’t show it in his package with Kym, but it did slip through in one of those deals where they show clips of various celebs rehearsing right before they go to commercial. I watched it three times, because I couldn’t quite believe I heard it. I’m STILL wondering if I actually heard it. Help me. :-)

Courtney: Oh no – you certainly weren’t all alone in that one.  Watching DWTS this week quickly went from PG to X-rated after I heard that one…and I’m not even sure the clean interpretation of what he said really makes sense.  Maybe Hines is lonely…he’s made it clear he wants to smooch on Kym, he got up close & personal with a pillow while practicing last week, and then there’s this phrase.  Sounds to me like homeboy needs some loving.  ;-)

The Blatant Honesty is the Best Comedy Award, Week 6: Kendra Wilkinson for her “My boobs aren’t what God gave me.”

Heidi: I have to give the girl props – her response to Louis was just priceless. I laughed out loud. Now, the jury is out on whether she was intentionally hilarious, or it was just a fortunate accident, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt. :-) This is one of those times that the lack of a filter paid off in a big way.

Courtney: I’m gonna go with “happy accident” on this one.  But one thing I have to credit Kendra with is not being ashamed of having some work done…there are women in the entertainment industry who are seen on a Monday with B-cups and then again on a Friday with D-cups (and no assistance from a bra, mind you)…and they swear up and down that they haven’t had implants.  Rigggght…you just had a growth spurt. A really fast one. At age 34. :-) Kendra, props to you for not denying your silicone friends. And for your verbal diarrhea actually paying the dividends this time :-)

The TMI Award – Week 6: Chelsie Hightower for her “I have to pee” in the behind the scenes of the performance show.

Heidi: This was actually a cute exchange. Chelsie looks at the producer right before she and Romeo dance and says “I have to pee”. His response? “Now is really not a good time”. The part that struck me funniest was her “I’m aware of that” in response to him. LOL – but girl, why did you TELL him you had to pee if you knew there was nothing either you or he could do about it? Just a random observation you felt like you had to share? :-)

Courtney: Court’s conspiracy theory: she had a sinking feeling that Romes was gonna pull something during their waltz (in this case, a kiss), and this was a last-ditch effort to get out of it.  Not that a delay while Chelsie peed would have stopped him – that boy seems like he’s head-over-heels for Chelsie and is bound & determined to win her affections.  Kinda cute – but kinda uncomfortable for Chelsie, obviously.  Lord knows I’ve made my fair share of dumb excuses in order to avoid spending time with guys who’s affections I didn’t always return…”Sorry dude, I’d love to go to dinner with you, but I’ve gotta clean the grout in my bathroom.”

The Inigo Montoya “Inconceivable” Award for Not Knowing what A Word Actually Means: Bristol Palin and “advice”

Heidi: So, Bristol’s advice to Chelsea? Make it to the final. Ummmm….how do we explain this word “advice” to Bristol? By saying that making it to the final is the RESULT of good advice, not the advice itself?? Like, “always have fun when dancing” or “bitch slap Mark when he over dances you” or “don’t talk about giving the middle finger to ‘haters’” is good advice?

Courtney: That advice is second in crappiness only to the ultimate in useless advice: “Win the MBT.” Makes me laugh that they even decided to have Bristol give her commentary, since she only made it to the final based on sympathy from the judges and some particularly passionate voters…as opposed to the dance skills of some of her fellow commentators.

May 2, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS12 Week 5 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Heidi here! You know, for a week that was pretty horrible in terms of themes and music, the Cheesecake wasn’t as sour as I expected. Still not as much funny as the show could provide, but what can you do? For all the griping I read on twitter, it could be far, FAR worse. :-)

I haven’t told any of my cohorts in crime this yet, but I am going out of town once again on Tuesday and will be back on Thursday evening. It should not affect Dancing by the Numbers, but it will once again push the Cheesecake Awards to Saturday at the earliest, mainly because chances are good that I won’t see the results show until I get home – and that’s where most of the cheese is. :-) Ah well, on with the show.

Most Likely to Get Slapped with a Sexual Harassment Lawsuit by Season’s End: Len & Bruno

Courtney: Len has pretty much cemented his reputation as the “creepy old guy” with such comments as “Cheryl’s showing off the Rocky Mountains!” (to which Cheryl replied “I feel violated”), and ”Yum yum, what a bum!” with regards to Chelsea’s hindquarters.  There’s been many more in previous shows this season – wish I could remember them all and then parlay it into some class action lawsuit on behalf of the cast :-P And we all know Bruno’s man parts do all the thinking for him – this week he ordered Ralph to “give him sex” and inquired about booking Maks as a private dancer, reassuring Maks he “could afford” his expensive price tag.  Um, yuck. At least Ralph had a good comeback for Bruno’s questioning of his “fire down below”: “I have 2 kids to show for my ‘fire down below’.  What about you, Bruno?” Ahhhh…touche, Daniel-san :-)

Heidi: You know, I don’t even know what to make of Len’s behavior – all that from a guy who acts so disapproving towards Bruno. What is wrong with him? As for Bruno – well, for some reason I don’t have a negative reaction when he says what he says. At the risk of being ageist, I would say it could be that he’s just younger than Len, but I think it has much more to do with delivery. Let’s face it, Bruno is over the top ALL the time, it’s not a shock or a surprise from him. And you KNOW it’s a crazy “I am BRUNO” act. You can’t take that stuff seriously from him. Len, on the other hand, is serious SO much of the time that when he tries to emulate Bruno it tends to just gross one out. Speaking of…

Best Pro Line O’the Night: Cheryl Burke – “I feel violated”

Heidi: You go girl, being funny and giving an appropriate response all in one fell swoop. Len was out of line in a big way. I give her props for her reactions – yeah, it was funny but from the way she immediately covered her chest, I think she was uncomfortable as well.

Courtney: Where’s sexual harassment panda when you need him?

The “Errr…nobody saw that, did they?” Award: Cheryl, for almost falling over in the Red Room prior to her Viennese waltz with Chris; (dis)honorable mention for Lacey falling down during the pro dance to “Should’ve Been a Cowboy”, Chelsie for losing her bra during practice, & Hines for farting on Kym

Courtney: Our celebs and pros managed to turn the art of bloopers into a full-time job this week – and who can blame them, during a week that just flat-out sucked? :-) Some of you may or may not have caught it, but during the clip of Chris & Cheryl in the red room before their V. waltz, when Chris is talking about how he’ll “go crazy” (said a la Regis Philbin) if Len doesn’t give him an 8, Cheryl can be seen in the background practicing their routine.  She goes to do a ronde, loses her balance, and almost falls down.  She looks up at the camera & gets a sheepish look on her face, as if to say “You didn’t get that, did you?” The whole thing is rather adorable, really :-) And for those who didn’t catch it, Lacey just kinda fell on her butt during the Toby Keith performance. I know everyone on Twitter was blaming Maks & his “bum leg”, but I watched this one several times and it’s actually Lacey’s fault – she swings too wide when she turns to go through Maks’ legs, and as a result she falls on her butt and trips up Maks.  Another instance when there was an expression of “Maybe no one saw that…” that crept across their faces before they kept going.  Poor Chelsie - the quickstep is just not conducive to the wearing of adhesive bras (yes, per Chelsie’s Twitter it was a “sticky bra”, and not padding like everyone else is claiming).  Romeo looked like he had just seen a Yeti or something.  And Hines – take Beano before practice and there will be-no gas…don’t you watch the commercials, dude? :-)

Heidi: People were blaming Maks for that?? It was clearly Lacey’s fault – Maks saved her ass (pardon the expression) by grabbing her and throwing her back into where she needed to be for the dance. Then they had the very awkward dismount from their final pose – are these two just not in sync or what?? As for Cheryl – you are right, that was adorable. The look on her face was priceless… “you guys were not looking at me, right?” You could almost hear a “ayuk ayuk” type goofy laugh just looking at her face. :-)

Courtney: Yeah, ever since “the fall heard ’round the world” during he & Kirstie’s rumba, everyone all of a sudden blames Maks’ leg for everything.  All sorts of tweets of “OMG! Maks needs to have that leg looked at!” and “He has no business dancing injured like that! He could hurt someone!” I’m guessing it was Lacey fans that didn’t want to believe she had fouled up.  Anywho, Maks is clearly fine, and Lacey is human, folks. 

DWTS Celebrity Trend O’ the Week: Thwarting Brooke‘s stupid questions with nonsense

Courtney: I have to credit the divine Miss Kirstie Alley for starting this trend – she’s been doing it since week 1, but it looks like the other couples have caught on to its effectiveness and have started doing it as well, which has resulted in absolute hilarity and one very confused hostess :-) Whether it’s Romeo dodging a dumb question about his biggest competition by threatening to tamper with Hines’ toothpaste, or Chris commenting on Romeo’s accent instead of answering his question, or Petra musing about Maks’ “sex on a stick” monologue – it all resulted in Brooke laughing uncomfortably and not quite sure what to do :-) LOVE.

Heidi: I think Kirstie has been giving lessons, like Ms. Myagi or some such thing. “You too can distract Brooke, Daniel-san…”

Personality 180 Award: Romeo

Courtney: 2 weeks ago the boy was throwing a fit about hating dancing shoes, and now he’s merrily jumping around the dance floor like Jiminy Cricket and pulling faces like Mark :-) Good to see him move out of the shadow of his dad, the stick in the mud, and finally enjoy himself out on the floor!

Heidi: That was, IMO, the dance of the night. Awesome – and you can’t tell me that he hasn’t embraced all of “the ballroom”. Dude was having fun and you can’t fake that.

Most Lackadaisical Performance: Toby Keith singing “Should’ve Been a Cowboy” accompanied by Maks, Lacey, & the DWTS Troupe

Courtney: Was it just me, or did pretty much everyone involved in this number seem like it pained them to be there? Toby looked like he would have rather been getting a root canal than performing on the show, and all of the dancers seemed a bit ho-hum about the whole thing.  Then again, it is a bit hard to imagine what it’s like to be a cowboy if you grew up behind the Iron Curtain…

Heidi: I despise Toby Keith with a passion reserved typically for Benji Schwimmer and Ann Coulter. Not that any of those three have anything in common…well, Ann and Toby do as they are both Republican men….I mean, people. Heh. BUT, besides that – Ick. Not a fan. I think lackadaisical is his usual performance style, although I can’t be sure. Besides Toby and Lacey, though, were there any natural born Americans dancing?? It might be hard to see the appeal of the whole “country” thing if you didn’t grow up around it. Well, hell, it’s hard for me to see it and I *DID* grow up here. So I get them. :-)

 Best Celebrity Cameo on the show, EVER: John Travolta, aka the “Dance Doctor”

Courtney: “American Night” was in dire need of saving by the time Kirstie’s former co-star & Scientology bff showed up to save the day.  God bless Travolta – even this piddly little impromptu blurb for DWTS shows just what a good actor he is.  He just walked into the frame like it was no big deal, and dude didn’t miss a beat – as if to say “Yeah, I’m J-Trav, I’m way too famous for this show but I’m gonna show up anyway and thrill you all.  Capeesh?” And God bless Kirstie for making it happen – I think she is probably the only celeb in DWTS history with enough clout to bring in a celebrity guest as big as John. 

Heidi: I dunno, I think Jennifer Grey brought in Michael J. Fox and he’s a pretty iconic character – maybe moreso than Travolta, particularly now with all his work re: Parkinson’s. That said…Travolta is a gem. So hilarious – seriously brightening up a relatively disastrous performance show.

Brooke Burke Flub o’ the Week: “Choreographer”

Courtney: I can’t decide if the teleprompter was stuck or she was just so frazzled by the nonsense going on around her, but Brooke just couldn’t manage to spit this word out…much to Tom’s delight. :-)

Heidi: Her Hard Drive was acting up. Or it was a RAM problem.

Judge Most in Need of a Reality Check: Len Goodman for criticizing a Samba forced into a stupid-ass Americana Night Theme.

Heidi: Seriously Len?? Seriously? When you criticize what I thought was a cute and well executed Samba (and props to Karina for tying line dancing into a Samba) for technique when the producers inflict on the couples the stupidest theme ever done on DWTS, you’ve let your need to storyboard get in front of reality. Seriously – get a grip and go with Carrie Ann (shocker, I know!) – she had it right when she commented on the theme and how it impacts the given dances. Jerk. And this on a night when you praised Kendra. Jaysus.

Courtney: I guess Len has just decided that Ralph is going to be his permanent punching bag this season.  I can’t think of any other reason why he’s so damn grouchy every time he critiques him.  Maybe he’s jealous of how well Ralph has aged…who knows.  But yah, I definitely cursed at the TV when he praised Kendra’s non-foxtrot – just made his hatchet job of a critique of Ralph’s samba that much more hard to swallow.

The Selectively Blind as a Bat Award: Carrie Ann Innaba, for her failure to call out the biggest and most glaring lift in the history of the show…or, well, in a really long time

Heidi: Geezas – that lift at the end of Hines and Kym’s dance?? Hello? Remember a beautiful rumba by Derek and Nicole with much more technically difficult move that resulted in the same sort of carry MUCH later in the song – to the point it was actually debateable whether the music had stopped (certainly, the applause was loud enough that Derek thought it had)?? The one that you called out spoiling what was one of the better rumbas in the history of the show?? And you did that AFTER you blatantly excused a similar move by Mark and Shawn?? Among others?? Speaking of storyboarding – I guess we only call lifts when it is convenient to the story you are trying to tell. Jerk.

Courtney: I thought of the exact same thing when I saw that bit at the end – but alas, they must’ve given Hines the Marine diplomatic immunity this season, because he can do no wrong in the eyes of Carrie Ann…or Carrie Ann’s lady parts.  It just annoys me to no end how inconsistent she’s been in her “lift policing” this season – only calling couples out when it suits her interests…whatever those interests happen to be. 

The Tom Bergeron-In-Training Award for Best Impressions: Chris Jericho

Heidi: His imitation of Len is spot on scary good. He’s just hilarious and just seems so intelligent – he has a future in TV, methinks. It doesn’t hurt that he’s cute as hell. :-)

Courtney: I <3 Chris :-) And that’s saying something, because those little hearts made from the less-than sign and a 3 annoy the hell out of me most of the time! I tweeted him a proposition the other night that he and I should make gorgeous, waltzing, wrestling babies that speak in fake British accents…he hasn’t responded  yet, so he’s probably just trying to work out his schedule to make it happen before he promises anything ;-)

Heidi: He was busy just then. :::happy sigh::: ;-)

The Best Butt Crack Award: Maks Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: Hey, he may not appeal to me, physically, but I’m going to call out a nice plumber’s ass when I sees one. ;-) Laying on the floor in front of Kirstie at the end of their dance. Just sayin’. But, I also have to say that there’s a gay bar in New Orleans called “Rawhide” where Maks’ pants make a nightly appearance on half a dozen, not as well built, guys – at least. There’s a matching vest. Just something to keep in mind. :-)

Courtney: Oh wow! How did I miss this one??? Maybe I’ll have to rewatch that performance later while dying Easter eggs.  And yes, leather pants are a gay bar staple…as are assless leather chaps with nothing underneath :-) *pours one out for the biker guy in The Village People*

Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “I think we’ve learned that a top hat undercuts the ‘tough guy’”; Honorable Mention: “Let’s let the emotional Grand Canyon (aka Len) settle down.”

Heidi: Oh that Tom does make me laugh out loud on a regular basis. I also loved at the end of the night when he was making the cracks about the confetti and not being able to read the TelePrompTer. LOL.

Courtney: Quite possibly the only other person besides Kirstie & Maks to really acknowledge through his behavior that American Night was absolute cat crap.  I respect that :-) And as for the confetti malfunction – at least Tom was able to ad-lib his way through the remaining moments of the show.  I saw a moment of pure panic cross Brooke’s face when she realized the teleprompter was obscured. I giggled.

Best Dressed Celebrity, Female – Week 5: Petra Nemcova

Heidi: WOW!! Wow. So elegant and beautiful – everything was perfect. Hair, makeup, jewelery, dress…just gorgeous.

Courtney: Evaine has assured me that I could rock this dress well (but probably not as well as Petra), so maybe one of these days when I’m flush with cash and my job is just to be fabulous all day, I will purchase this dress and act out one of my bucket list fantasies: wearing this dress in a casino.  And then when I go to the craps table, a crowd gathers around to watch, and as I throw the dice, everyone screams! I know I’m not alone in this fantasy…anyone else care to join? We can take turns wearing the dress and screaming for each other ;-)

Heidi: You forgot the part where Chris is standing just behind you in a Tux, smiling. Can we take turns with him too? Heh. I call first.

Best Dressed Pro, Female – Week 5: Kym Johnson

Heidi: Yeah, I’m talking a lot about clothes this week because Petra and Kym were such standouts in a night where many tended to succumb too much to the “theme” Americana – to the point that it was over the top. But hot damn!! Kym is rivaling Edyta in that fringed dress. Beautiful and sexy all at the same time without being too overt – add in the hat at the end and, well…perfection. A scene from An Officer and A Gentleman. I am envious yet again. :-)

Courtney: Oh but Heidi, that dress of Kym’s was the reason she & Hines got a higher score than Chelsea & Mark…sooooo totally not fair! *snicker* Sorry, couldn’t help but take a swipe at some faulty logic some people were spouting on Twitter.  All kidding aside, it was a very pretty dress…Kym definitely seems to be having a love affair with fringe this season.  But nothing can hold a candle for me to her quickstep dress this season – just dreamy :-)

The “You can take the girl out of the Trailer Park, but…” Award: Kendra Wilkinson

Heidi: Someone needs to explain irony to this girl. “I’m not f^#king afraid of elegance!!!” Um…ooookay. FAIL.

Courtney: Methinks the lady-er, Bunny doth protest too much…

Worst Idea In Facial Hair…Ever: Louis Van Amstel for his faux beard

Heidi: Louis, if you lived in Tennessee, Alabama or Mississippi, you would NOT be so fond of the Hillbilly Soul Patch you were sporting this week. TRUST ME.

Courtney: Kinda looked like someone glued a merkin to his chin.  And if you don’t know what a merkin is – look it up on Urban Dictionary at your own risk :-)

Heidi: :::snicker::: Merkin…Hillbilly Soul Patch…it’s all the same to me. LOL

The Award for the Best “Accidental” Boob Grab by a Male Celebrity: Romeo

Heidi: LOL – oops. Romeo, I hope that was a true accident. :-) Of course, since Chelsie seemed to be magically enhanced from Chelsie Hightower to, say, Jessica Simpson, I guess I can understand accidentally grabbing something that wasn’t there during all your rehearsals. :-) Was I the only one seriously distracted by Chelsie and her dress and how her figure…got bustier?? Or is it simply a sign that Derek isn’t on the show that I pay too much attention to other women’s chests…and Maks’ butt crack… ;-)

Courtney: “After seeing Hines & Kym’s high scores, Chelsie opted to try some “Awesome Boobage” on for size”…I should totally make an LOLChelsie out of that.  And I can’t blame Romeo’s curiousity, if it was intentional…did you see that boy’s face when Chelsie’s sticky bra fell off during quickstep practice??? He looked mesmerized as he mumbled something about “mechanical bam-bams”. 

The Award for the Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed – Season 12, thus far: The 1000th Dance Hoopla

Heidi: Is there nothing you wackos won’t celebrate in a totally over the top cheesy fashion?? I mean, I get 100th episode and 200th episode – but 1000th dance? Maybe I would care if you hadn’t chose Kendra and Louis to dance it. Talk about a buzz kill. :::rolls eyes:::

Courtney: I have to wonder if they would have made such a big deal out of it if it were any other couple…seemed a little fishy to me that Kendra & Louis, who have been dancing in the first half of the show for the entire competition, all of a sudden got bumped to 2nd to last this past week.  Verrrry interesting indeed…but yeah, dumb hoopla.

April 23, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Season 12, Week 4 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

We gotta lotta turf to cover this week and I have to figure out how to express myself in a PG fashion. It won’t be easy. ;-) I think it’s safe to say that this edition of the Cheesecake Awards was cooked with SOUR cream, if you know what I’m saying. :-) We weren’t feelin’ it – just annoyed by the whole thing. You’ve been warned. On with the show…

Note: I am the one traveling this week so we may not get Dancing by the Numbers – I’m going to try to do it. We’ll see. :-)

The “You’re New to this Show, aren’t you?” Award – Week 4: Oksana and her early stage entrance.

Heidi: Oh, if only she hadn’t done this she would have gotten through two whole shows with me not picking on her. :-) When they pan the celebrities and pros right after they are announced and walk on to the dance floor, you can see Oksana clearly start to walk out on stage for her pro dance with Kiki…Kaka…Kiri…whatever his name is; she realizes the mistake immediately, turns around and starts shoving Kiki backstage – kinda like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube is what it seemed like too. :-) Dude wasn’t moving easily. This is likely really the fault of the eye rolling stage manager dude in the black crew neck from last week – but it’s no fun to blame him. :-)

Courtney: Great material for the DWTS Bloopers time-filling clip we’re bound to see later in the season.  :-) I’m sure crewneck-sporting stage guy was not only rolling his eyes at them, but snapping at them in hushed tones, like “WTF are you two knuckleheads doing???! Are you deliberately TRYING to ruin the show?! Get your freshman asses back here!!!” At least Oksana can use the old “English as a 2nd language” defense…that it was hard for her to translate what Tom was saying so that she clearly knew when to set foot onstage. Not sure about Kiki…he seems like he’s been stateside longer than Oksana…maybe he can translate for her?

The Award for Most Blatant and Annoying hypocrisy - Week 4: Len Goodman, for chastising Romeo for removing his jacket, but not saying a word about Dmitry ripping off Petra’s skirt; (dis)Honorable Mention: Carrie Ann Innaba, for ONLY calling Romeo out for what turned out to be a lift riddled night of dancing.

Heidi: Man oh man, that annoyed me – well, both of them. Frankly, Petra’s skirt rippage was way more gratuitous and cheesey than Romeo’s jacket removal, although neither were necessary. But man, Len – call both of them out or neither of them out. Petra was way more exposed than Romeo, too. As for Carrie Ann – geez woman!! Almost every dance had feet coming off the floor but you only call out Romeo?? Particularly annoying when his dance was better than some of those with higher scores.

Courtney: The official Courtney hypothesis on this disparity: Petra is a genital-magnet.  For both sexes :-) She wakes up the sleeping giant (or maybe not so giant…) in Len’s pants that has likely been hibernating for the past 20 years (save for some pharmaceutical assistance), and she makes Carrie Ann want to sing “Come to My Window”.  Not that I can blame them – Petra is gorgeous, and an absolute sweetheart on top of that.   So the resulting cognitive dissonance likely makes the two of them think that Petra is a far better dancer than she really is, by virtue of her looks & charm, and makes them conveniently “miss” certain missteps & cheesy gimmicks.  As for Romeo – I feel like he might be getting punished for the sins of his father, god help him.  Can’t think of any other reason why he’s become such a whipping boy for the judges – the kid really isn’t bad at all, and seems to really be trying.  Perhaps the sight of the elder Miller has just scared the judges for life, to the point that they are blinded to decent dancing from any other member of his gene pool :-P

Most hilarious, but Cheesey as Hell Special Effects Gimmick: EXPELLIARMUS Bruno with his blowing up of Len.

Heidi: These people have never seen Harry Potter have they? :-) What they should have done is had Bruno wave his wand and all Len’s low numbered paddles go flying. Expelliarmus is a disarming spell, not an exploding one…unless you have a wand that is broken or….oh. Um. Never mind.

Courtney: I dunno, I wasn’t feeling the whole Harry Potter exchange between Len & Bruno – just felt forced and awkward.  I sincerely doubt either of them has read all the books cover-to-cover and have seen all the movies ten times apiece…and those are the individuals that would likely pick up on the specific “spells” like this.  But clearly Heidi is one of those individuals ;-)

The “Will You STFU Already?!?” Award For Rude and Unprofessional Behavior: Mark Ballas for yelling over his partner in disagreement while she was talking to the camera.

Heidi: Dude, that was quite the shocking display – and it’s a bad sign that your amature partner is smarter than you are when it comes to what you’re doing on the show. For those that don’t remember, I will recap: Chelsea, in their VT, was talking to the camera about how she knows they’re taking risks, yadda yadda and Mark is behind her a good 5 or so feet. He starts yelling while she’s talking “we’re not taking risks, we’re NOT taking risks” – dude, yelling at your partner when she’s not even talking to you is kinda risky. As is doing the worm for the camera while Chelsea stands there in the background. Take it outside, away from the cameras.

Courtney: Two words: ATTENTION WHORE.  Strike that, 3 words – ARGUMENTATIVE ATTENTION WHORE.  Mark has literally become the male version of Lacey – disinclined to play by the rules, mouthy, and with an affinity for bizarre costuming.  Everything with him seems so “Me me me!” anymore – what HE wants in their routines, what HE wants to say to the cameras, what HE thinks about the judging – I’m just so OVER IT.  Chelsea must either be a saint or a shrinking violet for putting up with his behavior.  If I didn’t know better, I would almost think Mark is TRYING to get sent home early this season…likely so he can devote even more time to his music career. The Mark we see these days is a far cry from the Mark of the early days…the Mark who actually choreographed normal, judge-pleasing routines that really showcased his partners strengths.  If he’s gunning hard for a 3rd MBT…he’s going about it COMPLETELY the wrong way.  The fans may be on your side, Mark, but you need the judges too…

Celebrity Most Likely to be B*#ch-slapped By His/Her Pro Partner before they leave the show: Kendra Wilkinson for reasons too numerous to list.

Heidi: I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Louis or any other pro as mad at their partner as Louis was at Kendra the other night. If looks could kill. Of course, he then followed up on twitter with some nonsense about how he was glad they showed it, yadda yadda. :::rolls eyes:::

Courtney: Louis trying in vain to cover his ass in order to make everything between he & Kendra look like it’s all sunshine & rainbows.  Kendra must have apologized and given him some sort of gift – maybe another purse puppy or some more ladies’ Pumas for his elf feet, who knows.  I cannot believe some of the stuff that comes out of this girl’s mouth – saying she “doesn’t care” about elegance, blaming her period for her crappy performance, and taking a song about the heartbreak of separation and trying to make it about the Mafia??!! Wow….just…wow. Worst case of verbal diarrhea in DWTS history.  If Louis doesn’t slap some sense into her by season’s end – I sure will. Or better yet, I propose a radical idea to TPTB: how bout a mid-season partner switch? Give Kendra to Mark and Chelsea to Louis.  Kendra’s apathetic enough that she won’t resist or argue with Mark’s off-the-wall ideas, and Chelsea is good enough & willing enough to try and do well to satisfy Louis’ bravado.  BRILLIANT!

The “WTF?” Costuming Choice of the Week: Kirstie Alley, for that crazy and not at all attractive dress.

Heidi: Note to Randall, do NOT let Kirstie take part in designing her own costumes. I love the woman, but that thing was BAD with a capital B. I even liked Mark’s better than that! And that’s saying something. :-)

Courtney: The best thing I can liken it to is one of those generic genie costumes you see around Halloween time that has the mesh over the midriff for modesty’s sake.  Although I can’t really figure out how a genie theme would fit in with the song they were given…isn’t it the same song from the Dove chocolate commercial? Maks would have been better off putting her in a chocolate-hued silk gown – the subliminal link to chocolate consumption and the euphoria that follows is a powerful weapon :-)

The Award for Highest Degree of Cognitive Dissonance - Week 4: Len and Bruno, for raving over Hines then giving him 8′s

Heidi: What the hell, boys, did you realize after your raving that giving Hines those 8′s wouldn’t fit in with your strategy of having a new leader board topper?? I mean, if I didn’t know that you wrote the scores BEFORE you did your comments, I would think you’re on crack. Wait…you’re still on crack. Did you forget what you wrote down? What?

Courtney: Yeah…nothing really to add here.  Just wish I had a buddy that worked for the DEA that I could send an anonymous tip to that there is some possible rampant drug use/trafficking going on at the DWTS set…

The Award for Most Obvious Backpedaling in a Single Week: Len Goodman, who apparently was told that Chelsea wasn’t getting the votes, judging by how he retracted all his previous comments about her performances.

Heidi: Was this not the most bizarre display we’ve seen in a good long while?? Tom gave him the chance to defend Chelsea and retract his previous remarks even before it was revealed who else was “in jeopardy” – the top of the show!! And since when do they do this? This whole thing was weird.  Of course, now Mark is all vindicated in his “out the box” choreography – this brings about a very interesting situation. Will Len continue to criticize or will he be too afraid of a “shocking elimination”?  Will Mark be defiant and continue to strive for “different” (because we all know that traditional, the way it’s been done VERY successfully for 11 seasons, is just horrible and boring :::rolls eyes::: ), or will he actually start to wonder if maybe he needs to dial it back a bit??  I can’t wait to see what happens next. :-)

Courtney: I think all of the above are just going to end up leading to one big series of unfortunate events that is going to result in a shocking elimination – and the most likely candidate is going to be Chelsea & Mark.  I would feel very bad for Chelsea if that happened, because none of it is really in her control; but it would be a nice, great big slice of humble pie for Mark…or maybe not.  Knowing him, he’d probably cry foul about how the show discriminates against “fresh, new, YOUNG” ideas.  Crap.  I just don’t even wanna think about it…my head hurts now…

The “I am NOT DEFENSIVE, nope, not me, nuh uh, no siree!!” Award – Week 4: (Tie) Louis and Mark for their comments re: their choreography in that VT about old and tired choreography

Heidi: Okay, so they didn’t use old and tired, but gee, wasn’t that whole video an excuse for the show doing a whole bunch of weird ass themes and weird ass choreography this season? Then those two guys sure were acting defensive about using either difficult (Louis) or different (Mark) choreography – not so much what they said, but how they said it.  Ya know, the other pros who are staying in the box have produced some beautiful dances this season and, Hello, Derek doesn’t go outside the box very often and when he does he OWNS it. Saying that all the same moves are boring and old and the audience has seen it all seems rather insulting to people like Derek (and Karina, Kym, Anna and Cheryl, et al.) who can use all the same moves but in different combinations and with a high degree of musicality to make them entertaining as hell. Case in Point: The 50′s Paso. That thing was chock full of the “same old” Paso moves but it was genius. Seems to me that Derek and others have proved on several occassions that you can use the same old moves and produce fantastic dances – Anna and Evan also spring to mind. Derek’s acoustic argentine tango with Jennifer was also brilliant.  And didn’t Maks also produce some wonderful dances with Brandy? I don’t recall anything particularly risky.  As for Louis – dude hasn’t figured out how far is too far to push Kendra. That girl danced on Monday night like she was being tortured trying to remember all the teachings. What is going on here?  I don’t get it. Just because YOU’VE bought into this idea that Kendra can be pushed so high, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Scale it back, dude!

Courtney: “New & different” doesn’t always mean “better”, Louis & Mark.  There’s a reason these steps have been around for years upon years – they work.  And you can still incorporate them into routines with “newer” steps without looking ridiculous.  Yeah…what Heidi said…sorry guys, just not feeling super-inspired this week :-( Maybe I’m still mourning the loss of Sugar Ray and Anna, who knows…continue…

Award for Best DWTS Commentary by a Pro Not Dancing This season: Derek Hough for this -

Heidi: Okay, so I’m pimping my boy using MY video, get over it. :-) Seriously though, loved the cracks on Mark, the Karate Kid pose – and note the freudian slip at the end of that video. :-) He also mentioned that his favorite dances to choreograph are the Paso and Argentine Tango; there was actually a good bit of discussion on DWTS. Like how the producers like to tease him about who he’s getting, about how MOST people are “like a family” just like they say on the show, but occassionally there are a couple who are like that on TV but you get the feeling they might push you down the stairs at the rehearsal studio. :-) He also discussed a bit about how costuming your celebrity should be (and is for him) part of the strategy, that what a given celeb is wearing is important to how the dance is viewed. He actually shared a good bit about the process – most of which we, here, know but was interesting to hear him actually say.

Courtney: Props.  Cool video. 

The Mafia Princess Award for Wacky Analogies and All Around TMI: Kendra Baskett, Mafia Mama and Notorious Over-Sharer

Heidi: What the f*@k was she talking about? Like all week? I’m kinda confused. You know, this s*^t ain’t funny. It’s just…just…kinda stupid. Even Len’s Soprano joke was lame as hell. And what kind of moron comes on this show and complains about ballroom dancing?? Ohhhh…probably the same chick who complains that she can’t understand why the judges keep talking about her boobs, yet the very next week comes down the stairs with Louis and the boobs are on serious display. Hey, I gots no problem with that, but don’t complain when people talk about it. You know what else? I so do NOT need to hear about her bodily functions as an excuse for executing a dance poorly. Just say you weren’t feeling it. And you know what else? It’s a pretty rare thing that someone comes on this show that you like and you end up NOT liking them!! Just sayin’!

Courtney: If a woman’s “monthly time” is a legitimate excuse for sucking at life, then I’m gonna start deliberately f-ing stuff up at work and blaming my hormones :-) “Sorry I cost the company $10K with my accounting error, boss…but I was on my period!” *emphatic eyeroll* As for the Mafia waltz…*shaking my head*…I have no idea what kind of crack she was smoking when she thought of that one.  Oh wait, I know – the same crack the judges have been on since week 2.  Maybe the smoke from last week was laced with it.  Even Louis looked absolutely befuddled by the notion that such a beautiful song of heartbreak could somehow be related to organized crime…but I can’t blame him for rolling with it, since it seems nary impossible to light a fire of excitement under Kendra’s ass these days.  And as for the boobs – why get them done if you’re going to have a complex about people staring at them…especially since they always seem to be on display? Those boobs were in my face almost every week when she was on Girls Next Door – whether they were bare, covered with itty-bittle tassles, or peeking out through a thin shirt without the restictions of a bra, they were on near-constant display…so now I’m very confused.  Talking about boobs while you’re on E! = kosher, talking about boobs while you’re on ABC = soooo not okay? Nothing with Kendra ever makes sense…*sigh* :-(

April 16, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS12 Week 3 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

 Well, well, well…Heidi here. I’m afraid Courtney and I were very hit and run this week. While I am extremely grateful for my job, it actually had me working some nights and last weekend – and it’s sucked much of the creativity right out of me. In it’s place…well, just read me and Evaine’s commentary about half naked Derek and Maks. :-) That’s just about all I can handle. In any case, I hope you enjoy the cheesecake. Courtney is on her way out of town so I will also be struggling to fill in on her Power Rankings too. Oy. On with the show….

Worst Prop of the Week: The smoke machine

Courtney: Seldom does smoke really “enhance” a performance on DWTS – a notable exception is Jonathan & Anna’s waltz to “Hallelujah” last season – so I don’t understand why some pros insist on using them.  In Dmitry’s case, I think it was a clever ploy to conceal Petra’s subpar footwork – and it seemed to work, as Carrie Ann conveniently missed several lifts, and everyone raved about how great her waltz was, despite some rather shuffly feet.  Not sure what Louis was thinking putting Kendra in a smoke cloud – we all see how well that panned out.  She looked about half-baked as she manged to stumble out of it.  And maybe the judges had a bit of a contact high as well when they scored her, which could explain her inflated scores.  Thankfully, Tom has assured us that the smoke machine in question has since been relegated to the community theater circuit :-)

Heidi: What was really funny was the “Oh my god” that you hear in the recap – Kendra freaking out. Which is why they were all laughing so hard when they cut back to the couples on the results show. :-) Pretty hilarious. Kendra said she argued strenuously against the smoke machine and obviously lost. Which seems sucky. ALSO in the recap, you see a BLATANT lift by Dmitry and Petra – seriously blatant – and long. Kinda annoying. And the smoke wasn’t that strong – she wasn’t being eaten in like a horror movie where you could only see her from the waist up. Combine that with the TWO other lifts and I’d have to call Carrie Ann out for selective blindness.

Best Prop of the Week: Sugar Ray’s boxing announcer; honorable mention: Hines’ Terrible Towel

Courtney: Let’s face it: Ray ain’t the best dancer this season, and he probably isn’t going to last much longer. So I can’t really blame Anna for going the gimmicky route with his paso – the boxing gloves, the entrance, the punching bag…and quite possibly the most creative intro I’ve ever seen for a dance on the show: a boxing announcer, complete with drop-down microphone.  I thought it was pretty damn cute. And I daresay Hines has managed to make the Terrible Towel trendy on the show – the audience is waving it, the judges are waving it…I’m half expecting the entire celebraquarium to be waving it by season-end.  For those of you unfamiliar with what it is, it’s a yellow towel that Steelers fans wave at games.  I used to hate it, since as a Colts fan I pretty much LOATHE the Steelers. A local bar I frequent is unofficially a Steelers fans bar, and there’s always a Terrible Towel up on the wall.  The towel has been known to inexplicably jump into my purse after I’ve had a few drinks, and then commits suicide back at my house either in my fireplace or in the jaws of my Chow mix, Xena (see below). It’s really an interesting phenomenon ;-) Anywho…now I’m faced with a bad case of cognitive dissonance, since I hate the Steelers and I’m starting to LOVE Hines.  *sigh* What’s a girl to do?

Heidi: See, this is why some pros get yelled at for “messin’ about” and some don’t. Some messin’ about is pretty creative – like this. Another example is when Derek and Jennifer played the piano in the opening of their accoustic Argentine tango - very creative. Not so creative? Dusting the judges table for half the song. Sitting in the audience on your ass. LOVED the announcer, and Tom stepping in with the correct dance. As for the terrible towel – I thought that was sweet of the judges to do that. You could tell by Hines face that he was surprised and happy to see that. :-)

Costume Brain Fart Award: Louis Van Amstel, for Kendra’s rumba dress

Courtney: If Kendra’s rumba dress looked familiar, it’s because it was almost identical to the one Chelsie wore for her pro dance with Damian in season 10, and then again for her rumba demo with Dmitry last season.  But I have to confess – I thought it looked much better on Chelsie. Not only the color, but the cut – I think Heidi remarked on Twitter that all of the bodysuit-based costumes this week seemed to be cut a little on the conservative side. 

Heidi:Actually, I think I said that the bottoms look like granny panties. :-)

The “I Can Tell You’re New to This Show” Award – Week 3: Tristan and Oksana

 Heidi: Tristan, DUDE, get thee to the spray tan! I haven’t seen that much white skin since…well, since Ralph disrobed in his own bathroom. But he’s not a pro dancer AND that was funny. :-) And also…I don’t need to see tongue in the Paso Doble. Not cool. Oksana – Mark Ballas’ facial expressions are OTT and not something to emulate. Just sayin’ – that will NOT help you be a better mail order bride, sweetheart. ;-)

Courtney: I have a feeling we’re going to be having a heydey with Oksana all season :-) Very pretty girl, but an easy target – everything about her is just a bit too much.  The voice. The facial expressions. The hair. The makeup.  Definitely gunning hard for the green card ;-) As for Tristan – ok, I realize he’s trying to set himself apart as the “Irish lad” this season, but that doesn’t mean he has to look the part by being fair as the Emerald Isle! He was less Michael Flatley & more Casper the Friendly ghost out there.  Side note: anyone else think it was a bit weird that they had Ted & Nicole dancing together and having to get up in each other’s face all kissy-like a couple of times? I know Derek has said that he’s had to rumba with Julianne in the past – awwwwwwkward – but it was never on the show.  There’s 2 other chicks in the troupe…they couldn’t be bothered to stick Ted with Peta or Oksana? God I hope they separate those two in the future…because this show is gonna give me some serious Oedipal issues if not…

Heidi: Plus, the only time I remember actually seeing Derek dance rumba with Julianne was on tour when her original partner (or was it his??) was hurt – kinda funny, after the dance was over they couldn’t get away from each other fast enough. :-) You know, it also occurs to me that that Oksana could borrow Tristan’s tongue action….THAT would help the the green card for sure. ;-)

Least TV Friendly Clothing Selection: Wendy William for those rehearsal shorts.

Heidi: Is she wearing a diaper?? That’s what goes through my brain every time they showed her rehearsal footage. :-)

Courtney: Maybe she’s just SUCH a dedicated dancer that she doesn’t have time for bathroom breaks.  ;-) HA! I think those damn rehearsal shorts were about the only thing on the show that Wendy was 100% committed to.  The thing that got me is that she mentioned in a segment on her show that she loved looking the part of a “serious dancer” so much that she would wear her rehearsal clothes out to run errands and whatnot! I can only imagine the thoughts of onlookers…”Is she incontinent?” “Is she trying to conceal a bad case of camel toe?” “Is she one of those extreme gamers that doesn’t have time to use the bathroom?”

Heidi: More like, “Is she a crazy bag lady?”

Biggest BURN by a Celebrity – Female: Chelsea Kane for Outing Mark’s Request for False Eyelashes the Previous Week; Honorable Mention: Chelsea Kane for telling Mark he is a better girl than she is.

Heidi: I’m liking this girl more and more all the time. What more can I say that Chelsea didn’t? :-)

Courtney: Mark is just a liiiiiiittle too comfortable gyrating around like a drag queen – guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, because Corky is pretty damn good at it, too.  Someone should sign Mark up for RuPaul’s Drag Race, what with his fondness for false eyelashes and sassy dance moves.  I can  just picture him lip-synching to “Show Me Love” by Robin S. now…anywho, yeah, Chelsea calls it like she sees it, and I like that :-D I’d also like to give my own personal “honorable mention” to Anna, who made the comment “I wouldn’t be able to keep up with Mark’s choreography!” before giggling heartily during the pros/celebs talk about the other pros/celebs time-killer during the results show.  Even Anna seems to notice Mark’s spaztasticness.  LIKE.

Heidi: Last season, Mark had a thing for eyeliner. LOTS of eyeliner, not just a little. Does this mean he’s graduated?? :-)

Biggest Production Screw Ups of the Week: The Camera Dudes; (dis)Honorable Mention: The Sound Dudes

Heidi: Lovely shot of the FLOOR during Chelsea and Mark’s dance…Oh, and I really liked when it looked like someone smacked a steady cam during One Republics performance so we got that drunken pan of the audience next to the stage. Problem is, I don’t think you dudes use a steadicam, do you? :::rolls eyes::: And you sound dudes? Turn the audience mikes DOWN and the Bergeron’s mike UP – Tommy often says things that I find very humorous. Brooke? She’s fine. ;-)

Courtney: Hell, I would just get rid of Brooke altogether…except then I wouldn’t have as much cheesecake material, since a lot of it stems from her obtuseness :-) But yeah, looks like they’ve got the orangutans and Muppets manning the cameras and sound board again this year as a cost-cutting measure – either that or they’ve outsourced the grunt work to India, and they’re taking liberties with the “censoring” of the show…maybe there was a dance move they found objectionable in Chelsea & Mark’s routine and decided to avert the camera to spare us.  You think the censors over here in the States are bad…ooh wee.  Try watching a Bollywood flick.  It’s Sesame Street compared to most American movies! Instead of kissing or anything suggestive, they break into song.  I can only imagine what an episode of Dancing with the Stars: India would look like…

Tom Bergeron Line O’the Night: “Later tonight, Len goes to the Wizard to get a heart.”

Heidi: WHY are all the good ones married? :-) Seriously apropos line for the Berge, not to mention funny as hell.

Courtney: Yeah.  Tom’s dreamy :-) And Len still sucks.

Most Over Done Costuming Gimmick for the Week – Male: Dmitry Chaplin

Heidi: You know, if you whip your chest out all the time it stops being exciting OR sexy. Just sayin’. “Oh look, there’s Dmitry’s chest, it must be Dancing with the Stars.”

Courtney: He’s still holding out for a chest-off…and Tony & Maks aren’t taking the bait.  Totally unfair fight…for Dmitry.

Best Brooke Distraction Technique of the Week: Kirstie Alley, for “You’re sooo pretty Brooke Burke” to get Brook off the fall topic

Heidi: Genius Kirstie has the ideal tactic – call the other female “so pretty” – she is forced to say thank you and laugh and then she’s out of time. Ta da!! LOL!!

Courtney: You know what I really love about Kirstie? She really GETS the show.  I think she realizes that most of the banter that goes on during the show is complete crap, and unlike some of the other celebs, she’s learned to cleverly circumvent it…and she’s figured out early on that the path of least resistance is Brooke, who tends to fall apart if she drifts too far away from her canned dialogue, since her powers of improv are basically non-existent.  Kirstie, if you keep poking Brooke with this metaphorical sharp stick, I will love you forever…it is my goal for you to get her completely tongue-tied by season’s end.  :-)

COOLEST Production Dude of the Week: Little Producer Dude in the Black Shirt During Petra’s Behind the Scenes

Heidi: Please don’t tell me that I’m the only one that caught the blatant eye roll the producer (stage manager??) gave the camera after telling Petra to get out on stage (and, by extension, to STFU)!! It was HILARIOUS. His face totally said, “Get the F@#k out there already, would ya?” Poor Petra, she was all “gush gush gush” and dude wasn’t having it. :-)

Courtney: Miserable little peon :-) Nobody rolls their eyes at Saint Petra! Even you, self-important crewneck-wearing stage guy.  No matter how much her philanthropic gushing in broken English may irk you. Kapeesh? :-)

Most Bizarre Non-DWTS Costuming of the Week: Selena Gomez

Heidi: I spent most of her song thinking either she’d had a run-in with a mean guy on a lawn mower or she invited a bunch of school kids to make snowflakes out of the bottom of her dress for craft day. What the hell? It was pretty…but it was like Brooke’s satellight dish/Hepburn Hat dress. It was hard to focus on anything else.

Courtney: That whole performance was just odd to me.  I wasn’t particularly floored by her singing, her outfit, the song, or Mark & Chelsie dancing…it was all just meh.  But I’m sure Lacey would have loved to hack up that dress to make more crotch doilies.  ;-)

Heidi: I’ll give her one thing – unlike SEVERAL “pop” tarts…I mean, stars I could name, she actually sings LIVE. :-)

April 8, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS12 Week 2 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

 Sorry for the delay, kiddies – if  you want to blame someone, I guess blame Derek for being unusually active this week and forcing Heidi to spend more time over at PDH than usual lately.  But no further delays…ON WITH THE CHEESE!!! (Heidi: Yep, totally Derek’s fault. I worked on this in 5 minute increments. Hopefully it doesn’t show.)

Biggest Tabloid Mess Waiting to Happen: The Mark, Chelsea, Chelsie, Romeo, Stephen love pentagon

Courtney: Ooh wee.  Is anyone starting to feel the tension build up with this one? We’ve got Mark & Chelsea showmancing it up, we’ve got Romeo crushing on Chelsie, Mark & Chelsie real-life romancing it up (sort of), and Stephen Colletti is buying Chelsea small appliances.  Should any of these relationships escalate, this is gonna be a tabloid journalist’s delight.  I daresay Mark is the most unstable point of this pentagon, as I could see him getting very, very jealous if things between Chelsie & Romeo get any closer – then again, Mark seems to have his hands full with trying to get touchy-feely with Chelsea, who at times seems to play along and at other times is too busy gushing about the microwave that Colletti bought her.  Poor Romeo seems to be in serious puppy love with Chelsie.  If anyone gets hurt in this whole mess, I fear it’s gonna be him.  Be on the lookout for icy glares in the celebraquarium during rumba week – this love pentagon could quickly turn into a hate rhombus.

Heidi: So, Mark will make cow eyes at Chelsea, and Chelsie will go “hmmmm” which will make Romeo say “get out” and Steven is in the corner sayin’ “Who da HELL is Mark Ballas…Oh, wait…Hell-O Chelsie!” at which point Mark will say, “step back, dude, all the Chelsea(ie)’s for me and my mime self. Where’s my guitar, I can dual serenade.”

A microwave? Seriously? :::rolls eyes::: Go for Ballas, Chelsea, he can do better than a microwave. You’ll have to arm wrestle the shorter, pro dancer version of you, but you can probably take her. :-)

Courtney: And you can count me in as a Chelsie/Romeo shipper.  She needs someone a lot less…Mark-ier than Mark. Which reminds me…does this Mark think he’s the 2nd coming of Marky Mark (aka Mark Walberg)? Because I feel like I’m seeing him in his Calvins more and more.  I do not like this.

Len Goodman Word O’ the Week: “Chesticles”

Courtney: This week, Kendra was pushing hers into poor Louis, and Chris was concerned about how his looked to Len.  Last week, Wendy’s were attacking my face through the TV.  I wish we could see more of Kym’s, which are AWESOME.  Say it with me, kids – “chesticles”.

Heidi: I really don’t know how I feel about Len saying Chesticles. I am baffled. At the time my mouth fell open in shock and I didn’t know what to make of it. And I still don’t. I don’t know whether to be offended that he would use such a word, or be thankful that that British accent would never say “boobies” or “ta ta’s”. Confused. Where’s my wine?

Best Impersonation of a Mail-Order Bride Video: Oksana’s part of the dance troupe intro

Courtney: I actually have to credit my mom with this one, as she looked over at me while watching the show and said “So this Oksana chick…is she like, somebody’s mail-order bride? Is that how she got this gig?” I just may have to parlay some of my mom’s zingers into a segment called ”S@#t Court’s Mom Says”.   But I digress.  She was totally on the mark with this one – Oksana was just trying wayyyy too hard in her intro to be over-the-top sexy, with the honeyed Russian accent and the overdone makeup and the sultry stare.  I could practically hear the subliminal messaging in this one: “You like? You want? You get me green card? Call number on bottom of screen…cannot wait to meet my sexy American husband!” If not that…maybe she moonlights as a phone sex operator.  HIYOOOOOO!

Heidi:I got nuthin’. Your mom beats it all to hell. :-) Of course, this chick could star in soft core porn films: “Goldmember – staring James Conman and Oksana Goodnight.” “Hey, hook up with Oksana and you will have a ‘Good Night’” :::insert creepy leering guy::: Synopsis: Boner, James Boner (picture an Ohio Congressman) travels to post Cold War Russia and discovers that the sexy KGB is alive and well when he is taken prisoner…Really…I got nuthin’.

The “Ok, we get it, you’re a tomboy!” Award: Kendra Wilkinson; (dis)honorable mention: Chelsea Kane, for “We’re young!”

Courtney: AKA, the “Kendra says stupid shit every week” award.  This week she was having a hard time with “being all ladylike & stuff” and let us know pre-quickstep that her armpits “don’t really smell like a lady”.  Lovely.  I don’t know why she insists on reinforcing the fact that she’s a tomboy if she’s trying to be more of a lady on the show. 

Heidi: Errrr…if you’re going to use the AKA, then we have to give Chelsea Kane a dishonorable mention for her “We’re young, we’re suppose to take risks”…or was it “the meaning of being young is being outside the box and taking risks”. Either way it was verging on moronic and definitely ageist. Girl, you ain’t risky, you’re DISNEY. :::rolls eyes::: As for Kendra – she needs to learn to THINK like how she wants to be. If she doesn’t, then the tomboy ain’t going anywhere. And what the hell’s wrong with being a tomboy anyway?? It’s more likeable that faux “lady”. She got married when she was a tomboy, so apparently her husband likes it just fine.

Most Memorable Exit: Mike Catherwood

Courtney: Mike could have gone the normal route of most ousted contestants, just swaying awkwardly out on the floor with their partner, maybe shedding a couple tears as they’re surrounded by the other contestants and showered with hugs.  But Mike knows not to waste a great opportunity to show us what we are missing out on by letting him go so early – he drops scintillating dance move after scintillating move, just to titillate and thrill us.  The shovel. The Irish jig. The vegetable chop. The pelvic thrust – from several positions.  And some dance move so tawdry that we the viewers weren’t privy to it, and had to guess from the shocked and amused expressions on both the hosts’ & other contestants’ faces just what kind of gyrations Mike was blowing their mind with. EPIC WIN.

Heidi:I only have one thing to say: Nice ass, dude. :-)

 Least Sassy Use of a Sassy Phrase: Len’s feeble “Talk to the hand!”

Courtney: Ok Len, you had just eviscerated poor Sugar Ray for a jive that really wasn’t all that bad, and rather than just keep talking over the boos from the audience, you add insult to injury by throwing out a phrase that was, like, sooooo 10 years ago :-P This had about as much ‘tude as Dmitry’s threat of a chest-off last week.  Zzzzzz.

Heidi: A fine example of being able to dish it out but not being able to take it. Suck it up Len, really. You were unnecessarily mean, so you get mean in return. Butt head.

Most Unsuccessful Attempt to Channel a 1960′s movie star: Brooke Burke

Courtney: Last week, she was going for Holly Golightly – by affixing a big hat to the side of her dress.  This week, on Monday night, it seemed as though she was going for the “Morticia Adams at the disco” look, and on Tuesday, it was “Barbarella meets Kim Kardashian”.  Methinks Brooke (or, as another blogger now refers to her, “Broke Burke”) needs to fire her stylist. 

Heidi: Oh dear, I actually liked Brooke’s outfit on Monday night…of course maybe it was just such a vast improvement that my senses were dulled. :-)

Worst and Best Costuming All At The Same Time – Male: Mark Ballas

Heidi: I’m going to just say three words. Ooompa Loompa Mime. Okay I lied – you know how short girls wearing those mid calf length leggings make the girl look shorter? Same principle here. Add in the make up and you have edgy Ooompa Loompa. And I still want my drink for the polka dots and short pants combo. :-) It’s worst AND best because once the Oompa Loompa struck me, I couldn’t stop giggling – that’s the good. :-) All that said, it was interesting costuming other than the little person effect and I loved Chelsea’s little outfit and makeup.

Courtney: I definitely have to give him points for originality with this one.  I get so tired of the 50′s rockabilly look for the jive sometimes.  It was part Clockwork Orange, part Willy Wonka, part Marcel Marceau, and part WTF – and 100% hilarious.  I approve of this.  And I thought Chelsea was adorable in her little ballerina corset and doll lashes. 

Worst and Best Costuming All At the Same time – Female: The Easter Basket Babes plus a little Sugar…and Kym Johnson

Heidi: Am I the only one who noticed that when all the celebs were standing together at the beginning of the show it was like looking deep into a huge Easter Basket?? So many bright colors on just about all the women and Sugar Ray. It was a little too much for me. I started thinking that perhaps some hallucinogens were in order to take full advantage. :-) Looking at each separately was fine and they looked good – put them in a line and it’s blinding. But let us talk about Kym Johnson – that woman designed herself the most classic and beautiful dress for the week. Gorgeous. Love the black velvet(?) with the red lining over the white tulle underskirt. Gorgeous. I want her body and her dress. And her partner, since were going there. :-)

Courtney: I can only imagine what kind of psychadelic experience one might have if they did indeed ingest hallucinogens while watching the show :-) It kinda reminded me of the Crayola bold marker pack that I always got in trouble for using in elementary school instead of the teacher-mandated traditional pack. We  had the electric blue (Kendra), the purple (Anna), those crazy gold & red colors that I can’t remember the name of (Petra), and the fuschia (Wendy & Karina). We were one jungle green costume short of completing the set. But I agree – Kym hit the mark perfectly with that black velvet & white tulle confection.  Reminded me of that vintage Taittinger Champagne ad with Grace Kelly.  Just lovely…even if the awesome boobage didn’t make an appearance. :-)

Most Overused Costuming Addiction BESIDES Mark’s Thing for Polka Dots and Shorty Pants: Lacey Schwimmer and the short, ruffled skirt

Heidi: So this time it was boy shorts with black ruffles with red trim all around her butt. :::sigh::: I guess it’s an improvement from ruffles with a crotch doilie. Do you think this is a repressed cheerleader thing? Or what? Hey Court, send me all the different variations of this outfit that Lacey has done and I’ll do do a side-by-side. :-)

Courtney: Ask and you shall receive, m’dear :-)

Courtney: Yeah, Lacey does seem pretty fond of the whole bra-and-skimpy bottoms ensemble – but I have to give her credit for at least ditching the feathered skirt in favor of ruffles this time. And don’t forget her penchant for dancing in boots instead of dance shoes, too!  You may be onto something with the whole “repressed cheerleader” thing, Heidi – I get the feeling Lacey was more of a rebel in her high school days and probably didn’t get to be one of the popular cheerleaders.  But Lacey, honey, none of the cheerleaders I’ve seen wore bottoms like that – as one blog described it, “rejects from the Victoria’s Secret ruffles collection”.

Heidi: Bwahaha…Victoria’s Secret reject! That’s IT. I’m missing a crotch doily shot above, but ya’ll get the drift. You know, these outfits MIGHT be cute on a really scrawny, really tall girl (and maybe not), but for whatever reason they just don’t work on Lacey. Maybe it’s the hair. It’s not that she’s fat – she not even close to fat. But she is really muscular and I think that throws the outfit off. Or maybe it’s just a poor selection for anyone. Beats me.

Funniest Pro Line O’the Night: Mark Ballas “I promise if I DO kick you in the head I will promptly get an ice pack.”

Heidi: I gotta give Mark his props for that line – pretty funny and the look on Chelsea’s face was priceless. I laughed. :-)

Courtney: *sigh* *facepalm* Oh Mark…

Heidi: I know, right? THIS is why he needs rose petals and candlelight. :-)

April 2, 2011 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

Dancing with the Stars Season 12, Week 1 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

We’re Baaaaack!!! It’s easy, it’s cheesey, it’s Dancing With The Stars!!! For those new to this site, Courtney and I hand out weekly awards for the funniest, cheesiest and occassionally most annoying aspects of this show. Sometimes we’re serious, sometimes we’re silly…and sometimes we’re dirty. Well, I’m dirtier than Courtney. More practice. :-) Mostly, we pick on the show and all the people involved in it. WARNING: if you are a hypersensitive fan of someone on the show, check your sensitivity at the door. We even pick on the people WE like. :-)

On with the show…

The Award for Most Unintended Innuendo: Chelsea Kane

Heidi: This is mostly my brain at work on a glass (or two) of wine. When Chelsea says, “Yes, I got to kiss Joe Jonas. It didn’t suck” I confess my first thought was “Oh, you poor thing, he didn’t….” Oh. Wait. Totally not what she’s talking about.

Courtney: Pretty sure the purity ring would have gotten in the way.

Award for Most Intended Innuendo (That Went Over Most Everyone’s Head): Bruno to Chelsea – “You started on your back, you ended on your back, and everything in between was pure afterglow!”

Courtney: Was I the only one who raised an eyebrow to this? ;-) Somehow I think Bruno might have gotten the order mixed up a bit, though…doesn’t the afterglow come after the main event, and not during? Then again, maybe my boudoir adventures have tended towards the tame…or maybe Bruno likes to do things completely out of order.  Best part: I don’t think Mark or Chelsea really picked up on the blantant innuendo of it…or if they did, they played it off quite well.  Can’t imagine that Mark didn’t pick up on that one…;-)

Heidi: Oh, all my eyebrows were raised. :-) And where the hell was Tommy B. in this?? No way did he let that comment slide! Oh, Wait. He saw the purity ring and figured it was pointless. Or more uncomfortable. As for Mark, well, he’s been thinking about that for a while…

Award for the Earliest Start to a Showmance: Mark Ballas

Heidi: Kissing, rolling around on the floor, teasing…dude has a thing for chaste girls named Chelsea (ie)? ;-) How long until he whips out the guitar and serenades her to calm her down?

Courtney: This may be a record even for Mark – getting smoochy with his partner during their first rehearsal?! What’s the next step…canoodling in the Celebraquarium? Or do we move directly to the weekends in Napa/rosepetals on the bed/satin sheets phase of the relationship?

Heidi: You forgot the candles.

The Award for Most Hip Analogy by a Sixty Year Old: Len Goodman and his BEP reference.

Heidi: So, in Len’s mind the BEP are a crazy mess? Because I’m pretty sure that when he said Chelsea’s Foxtrot went all “Black Eyed Peas” in the middle, it was NOT a compliment. :-)

Courtney: Blech.  I hate the Peas. And Len is right – they’re a crazy mess.  Didn’t you see the Superbowl??? They had to bring in Usher midway through the performance to save the day. Almost as hot a mess as Xtina flubbing the national anthem…almost.

Heidi: Oh, they were indeed a mess – interesting analogy for good ole Len, though. :-)

The Award for Most Schizophrenic Backstage Crew Members (AKA: Award for Backstage Crew Members with an Unhealthy Fixation on the Three Bears): The Hair Department.

Heidi: I found Anna’s hair to be TOO BIG, but Lacey’s hair was too small…while Petra’s hair was juuuust right. Seriously, how can they do such a beautiful job on Petra’s hair (and others) then go so huge on Anna that her head looks like it belongs in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? And me thinks they just avoid Lacey altogether cause that girl looked like she hadn’t seen shampoo in a month. L’Oreal is your friend, sister – the brunette shade. Gawd, that was some seriously bad hair, two tone AND oily. Ick.

Courtney: Anna looked like either Miss Texas USA 1976 or June Carter Cash’s redheaded Russian cousin.  Country bumpkin hair TO THE MAX.  Lacey…looked like trailer trash.  Sorry, but she did. Those roots look ridiculous against the fried blonde of the rest of her hair.  I sure hope the hair department either mandates a color change or finds a way to hide her roots with a headband or something next week.  Petra was a vision – reminded me of a young Ingrid Bergman.  Just lovely. :-)

Most Boobage Ever to Appear on DWTS Award: Wendy Williams

Heidi: To quote Spamalot, “she has huuuge tracts of laaand.” Anyone who has seen that musical will immediately see the hand motions that go with that line and hear the British accent.

Courtney: The first glimpse I caught of Wendy making her way down those glittery stairs nearly blinded me.  All I could see was BOOBS for days! And this wasn’t in the same class as Kym’s Awesome Boobage (TM); these were scary boobs – looked like they might jump out and bite me if I wasn’t careful.  Kids, this is the reason your parents told you not to sit so close to the TV – renegade boobs could gravely injure you. 

Heidi: Just imagine if you had 3-D TV and you were wearing the glasses. It would be like…well, scary.

Moment of the Night that Shouldn’t be Hurl-worthy but was: Dmitry and Declaring the War of the Chests

Heidi: Automatic FAIL. I think I might have gagged aloud. And yes, I am a straight female. :-) And no, I don’t know why I have that reaction. Maybe it’s the implied arrogance. And yes, I know the producers write a lot of that crap that goes into the opening, but I MUCH prefer the way Derek reads his lines (I’m rough, I’m tough, I’m Derek Hough) and then laughs his little tiny butt off like it’s one of the most ridiculous thing EVER. And it was. Until now.

Courtney: I think my analogy to Heidi on Twitter went something like this: “Dmitry is like a housecat to Tony’s panther & Maks’ lion.” This was just so…feeble.  It may as well have been Milton from Office Space (“I’d really like my stapler back, p-p-please.”) up there challenging Mark & Maks to a chest-off.  And while we’re on that topic – I think Tony’s chest is more formidable than Mark’s.  And it may be more formidable than Maks’, even.  Dude is DIESEL…quite possibly the most cut of the male pros.  He could be freebasing protein shakes or something, who knows. 

The Award for Getting Away with Breaking the Most Unwritten Rules in One Night: Dmitry Chaplin

Heidi: I might actually have to give him props because if you’re going to break rules (or hit on the judges pet peeves), it sure is best to get it out of the way on the first night when they’re feeling very forgiving. A lift AND having your partner sit on her ass in the audience AND fussing about (TM Len) with your jacket all in one dance?? Okey Dokey then, buddy, you got LUCKY.

Courtney: I think Dmitry also lucked out in having Petra – I think it’s impossible for anyone to hate her.  She’s just so SAINTLY.  I have a feeling they could have done multiple, INTENTIONAL lifts, been completely off-time, futzed around in the audience, and messed with a coat, a feather duster, a table, and an orangutan and still gotten a reprieve from the judges.  And I wouldn’t blame them…she’s the Mother Theresa of the modeling world :-)

LOL Moment of the Night – Female: Anna Trubunskaya, “I will break you into a dancer” with requisite RUSSIAN Accent; Honorable Mention to Carrie Ann for “Chippendale’s Cha Cha”

Heidi: I love Anna – that was a truly goofy line delivered in this Cold War Russian accent that implied torture was not far behind. And that was actually a pretty clever line from Carrie Ann and she’s not really known for clever lines.

Courtney: Some episodes of DWTS feel like Coming to America to me – except instead of Eddie Murphy, we have Anna :-) She learns about American sports (remember the Walter Payton vs. Belka & Strelka analogy last season?), she dances to songs she clearly never heard until she came to America (“Hella Good”?), and she says funny, stereotypically-Russian things like this and makes it totally adorable :-) As for Carrie Ann – I’m not gonna credit her with that one.  I’ll credit her va-jay-jay for that one…cause that was clearly what was doing all the talking when she was critiquing & scoring Chris’ cha-cha. *eye roll*

LOL Moment of the Night – Male: Bruno Tonioli, “Call me, Daphne”

Heidi: Just LOL – no clue what he was getting at, don’t remember what he was talking about, but I have a feeling that Tommy B. called him Daphne for hours afterward.

Courtney: I think it was to Ray – a guy I’m not so sure quite understood the humor of it.  Awwwwwkwwwwarrrrd.

TMI/Grossest Moment of the Night: Kendra – “I just went into your butt crack.”

Heidi: :::gag::: Oh, I so did NOT need to hear that. Or visualize it. Or anything it. Really, the blame has to go to the producers – seriously boys, out of all the hours of video you got of these two, you went with THIS???

Courtney: Kendra’s whole package seemed to be a montage of her just saying stupid shit. “My hips don’t lie!” “I’ve got moves for a white girl!” Are they deliberately TRYING to paint her as a crass bimbo? Cause so far, it seems to be working. As for this particular comment…I wouldn’t go near Louis’ butt crack with a ten foot pole.  Errr…bad phrase to use…let’s move on…:-/

Heidi: Damn, I worked so hard with my brain to NOT go there and then you went there. :-)

WTF Moment of Costuming: Brooke’s Dress with Audrey Hepburn’s hat stitched on to the front.

Heidi: You know, Brooke is beautiful. And this dress was beautiful too…but when I get distracted by that large round hat that appeared to be stitched to the front, it’s probably not a dress she should wear on the show. I spent way too much time trying to figure out what the hell that was, beyond simple ornamentation. Is it a fan? Is it a hat? Didn’t Audrey Hepburn wear that in Breakfast at Tiffany’s? WTF?

Courtney: It’s a satellite dish so she can get better reception from the control booth when they’re feeding her lines, duh! I just have to wonder if they had to strategically plan Brooke’s route through the studio to avoid narrow spaces…she could have gotten stuck, y’know. :-)

Most Overdone Running Joke: Master P’s bad scores; (dis)honorable mention for reminding Hines several times that he’d lost the Superbowl

Courtney: Hardy har har har, Master P got the worst score in DWTS history.  It’s funny once – but 3, 4, and 5 times? It’s just getting annoying and makes me wonder if they have nothing else to talk about.  The only truly funny instance to me was when Mike joked about his own scores, saying “Well my dad is Master P, so it’s not so bad.”  And then the near constant “So Hines, you lost the Superbowl…” intro.  By the 3rd time, I think he had just permanently plastered that grin on his face to keep from rolling his eyes.  It’s ok, Hines – everything sounds more annoying coming out of Brooke’s mouth. Just smile and nod and she’ll go away eventually.

Heidi: And to think we’re only in Week 1! Hines might do an endzone dance on her head if she keeps it up. “I’ll show you losing the Superbowl!!!” As for Master P?? Bad idea, since half the viewers likely didn’t know who he is. They do now thanks to YouTube. Poor Romeo.

March 24, 2011 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS 11 Finale – The Cheesecake Awards!!

 Ahhh…the last cheesecake of the year. It’s all good – we need a vacay. Some would say desperately. :-)

Biggest Disappointment: The returning stars’ dances

Courtney: It was actually painful to watch some of these :-( The Hoff belting the theme song to Baywatch while Kym, Peta, and another pro frolic about in red swimsuits? Margaret & Florence prancing around in the world’s tackiest costumes while the resident pocket-sized pros (Louis & Corky) gyrate around them? Rick & Kurt doing the requisite “Athlete vs. Athlete” paso doble in costumes in their old teams’ colors? Don’t even get me started on The Situation’s dance…if you can even call it that.  It was more like an exercise in self-love and machismo.  As for Brandy & Maks…*sigh* Yes, it was and still is a very cute quickstep, but seeing it for a 3rd time was a bit of a yawn for me.  I know, I know, they allegedly ”didn’t have any time” to  choreograph something new – but from what I’ve seen of finale-hopefuls on the show in the past, some of them actually start working on their freestyle as soon as the show starts…they literally start brainstorming and choreographing from week 1.  I was kinda hoping Brandy & Maks had maybe done the same thing and had at least a portion of their freestyle that they could have performed for us, especially since Bruno requested it.  Oh well.  I guess I should have expected to be let down by the returning celebs’ dances, since they’ve been on a pretty steady decline the past few seasons.  I still shudder at that reprise of Kate’s paso last season :-(

Heidi: Well, at least the opening dance wasn’t the massive trainwreck that it was last season. I mean, that’s really all you can expect me to remember, right? :-) Seriously, I watched them again and I thought Anna’s dress was really cute and did you notice she had Kurt’s number inked in small numbers on her back?? Digging deep for something positive to say and I’m coming up pretty empty. :-) The Sitch’s was so bad that it wasn’t even cheesy – it was just bad.

The “Zip it!!!” Award: Bristol’s comment about giving the middle finger to all her “haters”

Courtney: Oy vey.  If a good portion of viewers were like me, they probably let out a collective “D’oh!” and slapped their foreheads a la Homer Simpson when this gem slipped past Bristol’s lips in the confessional.  Even Mark seemed to let out a little warning yip as she said it, as if saying “DUDE! DON’T TAKE IT THERE!” If there’s anything that I don’t think ANY competitor should do in the finals, it’s being anything less than gracious and polite – and this comment kinda stomped all over that.  It just came across as a bit vindictive and actually kinda crass to me – and I don’t think it helped that she brought up her mom’s name.  And even if she did win – I don’t think it would have been much of a proverbial “middle finger” to her “haters” (and while we’re at it, I’m totally sick of hearing that word – it just sounds dumb…can we agree on a suitable synonym? Naysayers? Detractors? Skeptics?), considering that it seemed a pretty widely-held opinion that Bristol did not deserve to win…at least based on merit.  And I can just hear the Bristol defenders now, calling me a “hater” just because I don’t worship the ground she walks on.  I’m only gonna say this once: Bristol seems like a decently nice girl, but I don’t think she’s a good dancer and I don’t think it was appropriate for her to make that comment.  That is not “hating”; that is having a rational opinion of someone that doesn’t involve any sort of personal vendetta.  I’d say the same thing about anyone else on the show who said the same thing and was not a good dancer. And spare me the crap about how “Bristol is just a kid!” and “How would you feel if you were in  her shoes and getting all this hate?” I don’t think anyone that signs up for the show should get preferential treatment just because of their age – there have been several contestants younger than Bristol that have dealt with the pressure just fine.  And signing up for a reality show of ANY kind basically guarantees a target on your back for ridicule…anyone that thinks otherwise is living in a dream world.

Heidi: I know right? Bristol, that poor “kid” with all the “haters” is laughing all the way to the bank after making about 350k on DWTS and charging 35k a pop at her speaking engagements. That’s very…motivational speakerish…of her. I would be very eager to help teens for that wage too. :-) My point, in talking about the cash, is that it just rings very false when she complains about haters. I’m sure there are actual haters out there (and no I don’t mean it in the bulls*^t way the immature tend to throw it around on this site and others when you don’t kiss someone’s butt), but they ALL have them – even the pros have “haters”. DEAL with it – you chose the public eye. I agree that she seems like a nice girl, but I didn’t like her behavior that last week (or recently) – SHE made it as much about politics and her mom as anyone did. My gripe was that she was NOT a good dancer, compared to several people who didn’t make it to the final. But it sure is convenient to cry politics for her fans, and quite hard to argue that she’s a great dancer. :-) And yes, I hate that word “haters” and how it’s used as well – very immature.

The “Gag me with a SPOON!!!” Award: Mark Ballas and his pre-cage dance pep talk to Bristol

Heidi: :::hurl, puke, gack::: Mark saying, “Be a bad bitch. A bad bitch. Gimme some SEX…” This, I’m sorry to say, took me to a place in Mark’s private life that I REALLY didn’t want to go. I mean, ick. I never thought I was the sensitive type, but hearing those words come out of his mouth really really…..disturbed me. And the tone of voice!! What the hell kind of pep talk is this? I’ve never been a prude (far from it, actually) but this was just…ick. They didn’t even put in the captioning with the first part – would the network get them for the written word and not the spoken one? Everytime I watch this little segment (the things I do for you people) I cringe all over again.

Courtney: *shudder* Glad I wasn’t the only one that thought that exchange was icky.  I found it funny that he told her to “give him some sex” – isn’t that kinda counterproductive to her activisting? (Did you all catch the made up word? ;-)) And isn’t that what got her into trouble in the first place? Oh, the irony.  And if any guy is gonna call me a bad bitch and ask for sex…I’m gonna need at least an expensive dinner and a good bottle of wine before I’m even gonna think about obliging, hehe.  I would expect a bit more out of Mark…I mean, he is Mr. Romance…couldn’t he have sprinkled some rose petals in the cage and popped open some bubbly before making that request? Or perhaps recited some Shakespeare? :-P

Heidi: Activisting…hmmm, let me call Oxford, maybe you can get it added. :-) I hadn’t even thought of the irony – thank you, oh wise one, for taking my train of thought into the station at the end of the line. ;-)

The “SHOW MUST GO ON!!” Award: Jennifer Grey

Heidi: Girlfriend has cojones people – and Broadway in her blood, apparently. A ruptured disk, a day at the hospital, and still she dances. For all the people whining about her crying too much and some claims of her faking it, the woman is hurt enough to require surgery last week and still sucked it up and performed, and did NOT utter a word any of the 500 times that Brooke asked her if her body was holding up. To the point that Brooke gets her own award again. GET WELL SOON, JENNIFER!!!

Courtney: My heart jumped up into my throat when they brought her out at the beginning of the show to talk about her injury…I was like “Noooo! Don’t tell me she’s bowing out at the 11th hour!!! Soldier through, Jennifer, soldier though! You’re almost there!” And thankfully, she did.  And I completely echo Heidi’s sentiments about all the naysayers who were accusing Jennifer of malingering and faking her injuries – doctors don’t perform surgeries on minor bumps & bruises, and a ruptured disk is not something you can easily fake, like a stomach ache. 

The “OH, STFU, Already” Award: Brooke Burke, asking Jennifer how her body was holding up no less than 500 times in a 2 hour period.

Heidi: Brooke, if she didn’t confess that she was going to fall apart the first three times you asked her, I doubt you were going to trick her into giving it all away the last 15 times you asked. The only time I really got that she was hurt was the look on her husband’s face after her first dance – dude was less than happy. Even my mother – the sage – mentioned it: “Her poor husband was soo worried.” I was like, “Mom, I have a really bad cold (to the point of not leaving my couch in four days) and you’re in paroxysms of guilt because you didn’t call me yesterday to see how I was – of course he was worried about her dancing with a ruptured disk.” But seriously, every time Brooke spoke to her, that was all she had – “Jennifer, how’s your body holding up??” She did manage to try Derek one of those times – “Derek, how scared were you?” I bet she about popped a blood vessel when Derek turned it into a “oh, everyone’s scared but I’m just glad we’re all here…yadda yadda PC Derek PC verbiage….” LOL. Poor Brooke – that had to be a frustrating night with no one cooperating and giving her the dirt/scoop she so desperately wanted. :-)

Courtney: She’s like a discount parakeet at the pet store – y’know, the one that can only repeat a few useless phrases, and is incapable of learning new ones? I think I’ll just refer to her as Brooke the parakeet from now on.  For the love of all things sacred Brooke, please – either improve or quit.  You drive me bananas with your inane questions and subpar improvisational interviewing skills.

Heidi: LOL – but it did lead to a pretty good funny from Tom B. After the last scores and Derek’s PC response, Brooke says, “Oh, it just got very serious in here.” To which Tom replied, “That’s them SERIOUS??” I LOL’ed – dude kinda poked Brooke with a “don’t listen to the voices in your head” stick with that one. Maybe he’s trying to train her in improv? We can hope. :-)

The “Pardon me, I was just hit by a truck” Award – Christina Aguilera

Heidi: I love Xtina, but the saying “rode hard and put away wet” kept running through my mind when watching her perform her first song. What’s going on here? The woman can undoubtedly sing, no question. She was just lookin’ a bit rough on this evening. “Beautiful” was beautifully done though – great song.

Courtney: I think the phrase that came to mind when I saw her had something to do with a train (those with dirtier minds can probably figure that one out ;-)).  I mean, eee gad…did she even brush her hair before hitting the stage? And while I still think she’s a great singer, she seems to be developing a case of Mariah & Whitney-itis – her voice is sounding a little worn live, compared to what it used to be.  Maybe she was having an off-night – who knows.  But I have heard rumors floating around about her possibly being pregnant – and at first I brushed them off as nonsense, but I did go and see Burlesque last week and it is a bit peculiar how different her body looks in it.  She’s definitely curvier now.  Who knows.  It was nice to see some familar faces performing with her on the results show though – anyone catch Chelsea Traille from SYTYCD season 4? Or Paula Van Oppen, the chick who turned down a spot in the top 20 of SYTYCD season 6 in order to do this movie? Or Tyne Stecklein of This is It fame who performed on DWTS last season with Teddy Forance? If only Julianne had been there.  *sigh*

The WTF??? Award for Costuming, Female: Lacey Schwimmer (Insta-Cha Cha)

Heidi: What the hell is that thing?? It’s not lace, exactly, but it’s some kind of sparkly see-though body stocking with fringe attached over a bra and panties. Can I just vote her off the show for that outfit?? Girlfriend’s taste in costuming just seems to get worse and worse as the weeks go by. I’m pretty sure it’s possible to be edgy without being…..THAT. Whatever that is.

Courtney: Now while I don’t want to sway the voting of the end-of-season awards in any way, I have to say – I will be very surprised if Lacey does not win the worst dressed award.  I mean, that black thing she was wearing…I mean, I don’t even quite know what to call it.  Lady Gaga meets Elvira meets potential S&M costume reject pile? Ai ai ai.  But I guess it’s what we’ve come to expect from Lacey!

Tom Bergeron Line ‘O the Night: “We don’t give them food, water…The Ballroom is like a veal pen”

Heidi: Smart is sexy, fer sure. :-) So, raise your hand if you didn’t get the veal joke. I got it, but I always wonder if I’m alone in getting some of his obscure comments. That’s a slight paraphrase by the way. Court accidentally deleted the full thing and I’m too lazy to go back for an exact quote. :-)

Courtney: *shudder* I don’t really want to think about veal in graphic detail, but I do give Tom props for yet another apt, cerebral reference.

The OTT Production Tick of Finale Night: The scores, all about the scores and nothing but the scores.

Heidi: Between them explaining the scoring, showing us the scores and Brooke asking about Jennifer’s body ad nauseum, we could have had one hell of a drinking game on Tuesday night. The hangover would have been murder. :-) I mean, has DWTS ever seemed MORE defensive than it was this season?? Between “boo gate”, “maks gate”, etc. and the scoring issues, they are just bizarrely defensive. Suck it up, Conrad. Quit buying into your own hype and just enjoy the buzz. Who cares if they were booing Palin or not? Most who watch the show regularly know that wasn’t the case. The scoring is very clearly explained on the website and the press are too stupid to get it, then screw ‘em. Being so defensive on both issues makes it seem like you WERE playing politics, and not in a good way.

Courtney: Why didn’t they just have Conrad walk center stage holding a sign that had in bold caps “WE ARE NOT RIGGING THE VOTING!” Because methinks the show doth protest too much – the more energy you put into explaining the voting & scoring process, the more we wonder if you really are hiding something nefarious.  Let it be, powers that be!

December 7, 2010 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Season 11, Week 8 – The Cheesecake Awards!!

Another week, another cheesecake. It seems to get harder every week…Courtney preemptively left me this week to go on VACATION, so I added a couple screen caps she didn’t remark on. :-)

The “WTF??” Award for Costuming, Female – Lacey Schwimmer

Heidi: Okay, welcome to Gone with the Wind – the Lacey Schwimmer costume gimmick version. Why, yes that that same kind of skirt material we’ve featured in other Cheesecake Awards! Why oh why does she insist on wearing clothing that is verging on awful?? Her bizarre white costume from their Jive was an improvement, but it’s still the very short, with ruffles around the hips style.

Courtney: Alright kids, time for another installment of “Dumb Stuff Court Did in College” (and yes, this does have something to do with Lacey’s ridiculous costume…stay with me!). My freshman year, I had the bright idea of starting a flirtation with one of my TA’s (big no-no) who was very into travel and had, by some miracle (or failure on the part of US customs) managed to smuggle a bottle of Romanian absinthe back into the states. For those of you unfamiliar with absinthe – it’s a bright green-colored alcohol, it’s wicked strong, and it can make you hallucinate something fierce if it’s the kind that’s distilled from wormwood (and yes, this particular variety was) – which is why it’s illegal in the US. One night Mr. TA suggested we do shots of the stuff, and to make a long story short – I spent the rest of the night alternating between being hunched over the toilet and trying to pick imaginary ants out of my hair. So what’s this have to do with Lacey’s costume, you ask? Well, the dark green part of it is what absinthe looks like in the bottle, and the pale green part is what absinthe looks like after you pour water over a sugar cube into a shot glass of it (the “French Method” of absinthe preparation). The very sight of it left me nauseous and slightly paranoid about imaginary insects. But kudos to Heidi for the Scarlett O’Hara reference – the wide-set hip area of the dress made me wonder if she had a full crinoline hoop as well as Mammy & Prissy under there! As for the jive costume…hehe…all I’m going to say is that there were some very comically placed appliqués on that nightmare…you all are free to figure that one out for yourself ;-)

Heidi: Screw that – on another blog I think they called it a crotch doilies – I would give credit if I could remember where I read it. :-)

Award for Best Good Natured Diss – Kyle Massey re: Lacey “She’s like an angry little baby.”

Heidi: Okay, LOL – never has a pro been so accurately characterized by their celeb partner and in such a charming way. Bet the angry little baby wasn’t really that happy about that. :-)

Courtney: Lacey, like her cousin Heidi Groskreutz (who got called out for this on season 2 of SYTYCD) has a tendency to make what Nigel Lythgoe refers to as “Cabbage Patch doll faces” when either performing or getting angry. Must be a Schwimmer thing. So the angry baby comparison is pretty apt. :-)

Bergeron Line O’ the night: “BTW, that sound you heard was Foreigner, weeping” Runner Up: “So, being cool lasted all of…12 seconds.”

Heidi: I know right, Tom?? I think there was a little bit of playacting going on by a lot of the pros and celebs (at the producers suggestion, similar to how they pretended to randomly draw a CD – please). But dude, LOL – and your follow up regarding Mark and Bristols song? Equally brilliant. :-) And nice shot to Maks for his inability to hold his cool.

Courtney: I think I’ve figured out my favorite Tom Bergeron trait: he ain’t afraid to call the pros, celebs, or judges out for being stupid, and he does it in such a way that you can’t really be mad at the guy…he’s just too funny. I have to wonder if the whole “Gee, I’ve never heard of Foreigner/Mas Que Nada/Teenage Dream/Hella Good/Good Golly Miss Molly” act was a ploy to make the instant dance sound harder than it really was. Considering everyone did decently well, and a lot of these songs are very well-known, I have a hard time believing that some of the pros & celebs had no idea what these songs were. And to Jennifer & Derek – you were almost dead to me when you drew a blank on one of my top 10 favorite bands of all-time. “Jukebox Hero”? “Cold as Ice”? “I Wanna Know What Love Is?” None of this is ringing any bells???? And Maks…hehe…you know you’re being a bit silly if Tom is calling you out, buddy. Let it go…the Berg knows best ;-)

The Award for Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed, Week 8 – the “Locker room Check In” with the Celeb couples prior to the Insta-dance

Heidi: Sheesh. That was overly dramatic and kinda silly. The Insta-dance itself worked out pretty well, but Brooke as a “locker room reporter”? Not so much. Kinda silly. Let the people practice. And those sparkly storage containers?? LOL!! I wonder just how much labor went into the construction of those bad boys.

Courtney: I wonder how much of the currently-vacant Idol backlot they had to annex to create the 4 “practice stages”. Seemed like a colossal waste to me – they seriously couldn’t have just set aside a few areas of hardwood backstage and let the couples practice in peace? I don’t really know about you guys, but I didn’t really need to see them practicing, let alone having bimbo Brooke the “locker room reporter” interrupt them to ask them once more how “hard” everything was. Aaaagghhh…overkill. And Kurt’s comment to Anna “Anna, you look beautiful, now get back here and let’s practice!”…sure sounded scripted to me. Eee gad.

The Award for Most Annoyingly Predictable Packages – The producers.

Heidi: Mix it up boys and girls and jerks. Jennifer is not always in pain (see Dance Center), I’m sure Lacey doesn’t spend all her time screaming at Kyle and I’m pretty damn sure that Bristol and Mark aren’t rays of freakin’ sunshine all the damn time. Oh, and quit using her damn mother (and child) for ratings because people might actually STOP watching the damn show if she wins because of it!!! Geez!!

Courtney: I am half tempted to fast forward all the way through the packages and judges critiques anymore and just watch the dances themselves…but then I might miss valuable cheesecake material. I do this for you guys! Hahah. Yah, I am going to use my astounding powers of ESPN to predict what’s going to be in next week’s packages: Jennifer will be injured, another member of the Palin clan will stop in to observe Mark & Bristol’s practice, Brandy will be sassy, and Kyle & Lacey will look like hobos while Lacey screams. Remember kids – you heard it here first ;-)

Heidi: Hobos in $2 pants, if Dance Center is anything to go by. LOL

Award for Most Melodrama in a Dance – Brandy and Maks’ Waltz

Heidi: Very beautiful costumes and a very pretty dance, but the faces Brandy was making probably weren’t supposed to make me laugh. Girlfriend isn’t an actress, is she?? LOL.

Courtney: Heidi, of course she’s an actress – she was on Moesha, right? ;-) The first time I watched this waltz, I think I just was a bit ADD and didn’t notice the over-the-top drama of it. Then I watched it again…and again…and again…and lol’ed each time. I haven’t seen such melodramatic face pulling since Benji Schwimmer. Pretty dance, don’t get me wrong…but I could have done with a lot less of the overacting.

The “WTF??” in Judging Award – Week 8 – Len on Brandy and Maks’ Waltz

Heidi: Dude, generally not a good idea to tell someone (and the audience) that Brandy had issues and then proceed to say you don’t care and give her a ten. For real? Somebody put happy pills in your Spotted Dick??

Courtney: Once again, this continues to be the season of WTF when Len is the most lenient judge up there…especially since he seems to have assumed the “Paula” role on the panel. So maybe the whole happy pills theory isn’t too far off, Heidi…Tom did say it was a sign of the apocalypse with Len lecturing Bruno on being nice…

The Award for Best Guest Star in a Package – Steve O; Honorable Mention(s) – Joel Grey and Kurt’s Kids.

Heidi: Steve-O and the air horn – best non-dancing thing from Monday night. LOL. Then the nudity. Dear lord. Joel Grey? I just love him. :-) I included Kurt’s kids in here at the last minute because it was cracking me up that all his kids were giving him 9′s and 10′s – except one. Hilarious. That kid was meaner than Carrie Ann!!

Courtney: The mean kid who gave the 7 is probably going through his rebellious teenage years ;-) But those twin girls of Kurt’s are just darling! God I love Steve-O – I think he’s been my favorite partner of Lacey’s, just due to how off-the-wall the pairing was to begin with, and how well it ended up working out. Leave it to Steve-O to come up with the most hilarious of distractions for Kyle – the air horn, the basketball, the nudity (did he do jumping jacks? Haha), and the leaf blower. Such a lovable imp – just like Kyle. I remember Lacey tweeting something last week about going to see Steve-O do stand-up, so I’m wondering if they came up with this little gem of an idea on the fly. And Joel Grey? Seriously seems like the most supportive, encouraging, wise father ever. And he’s just so darn adorable, I want him to come to my house at Christmas and drink hot toddies and tell fun stories. Or maybe play a skinny singing Santa. Who knows.

Most Shocking Error by a Host – Tom Bergeron!

Heidi: The world is ending. This NEVER happens and it happened twice in one week!! First Tom announce Kyle with a reference to Foreigner (that was Jen’s song), and then on the results show he totally boo booed on the announcing Kurt and Jennifer – safe or red light of doom. Yo, it’s shocking because this man is a genius.

Courtney: Again, another possible sign of the apocalypse: Tom fouls up twice, while Brooke doesn’t make any mistakes this week. You know, this season may very well be getting to him too…could be zapping his creativity and brain power. All the more reason for things to normalize and Bristol to go home. I blame her for Tom’s deterioration :-P

The Award for Most Misplaced Whine – Bristol Palin; (Dis)Honorable Mention – Maks Chmerkovskiy

Heidi: Yo, Bristol, everyone had the same amount of time to rehearse their insta-dance, this wasn’t just about you. Yo, Bristol, ANYONE else would have gotten 6’s on that Samba…actually, maybe this is better directed at Mark. He’s elevated your expectations. LOL to Mark saying that the AT was better than their V. Waltz but it got the same score – Dude, the V. Waltz was OVER SCORED. Nice try though. :-) I can kinda understand your confusion because once they start the overscoring on a couple, it’s hard for them to STOP – which makes it confusing. As for Maks – we’ve been over this 500 times, but I just have to say when your complaints during the show last longer than your actual dancing does, maybe it’s OVERKILL. Dude, you talk to a dozen media outlets right after the show. Save it. And ALL that for a *28* – to anyone else that’s a great score. And the Cha Cha –ing you did really wasn’t worth a 28, so from where I’m sitting you should be happy.

Courtney: Forget Bristol. If I heard Mark whine one more time about how he fouled up their samba, I was going to claim responsibility for its sucktasticness myself just to spite him :-P “Guys, it’s my fault that Bristol & Mark got a sucky score for their samba. I was ruining it by osmosis from my couch.” And I’ve already said my piece on Maks multiple times, so I’ll just sum it up: if you do something you know you’re not supposed to and get called out for it, suck it up – you have no room to argue. It’s like getting busted doing something illegal and then trying to fight with the cops – “But officer, I didn’t know that smoking meth was illegal. I work so hard all day long and you don’t understand what I’m going through…” You get the idea. Just…silly.

The “WTF??” Costuming Award, Male – Mark Ballas

Courtney: That jacket he wore for their A. tango? Made him look like some sort of Star Trek villain. I was half expecting him to declare war on the Federation or order the bridge to warp between gaunchos in that tango.

Heidi:Dude, thanks a hell of a lot. You made me re-watch that dance because I didn’t remember the jacket. As a result I saw Mark feel Bristol up again and I’m sorry but that kinda made me go “Ick” – and not because of Bristol. I just think Mark is trying TOO hard. And then I saw those weak, dull (as in non-crisp) legs and I got annoyed all over again at that 24. So, all of this is pretty much YOUR fault. :-) Anyway, on to the jacket. For some reason, the collar (or lack thereof) made me think The Beatles, but they had standup collars on the Nehru jackets, didn’t they? Then there was the wacky cut across the front…you’re right. Star Trek sans red shirt. :-) Are we challenging people to Google every week so they get the “red shirt” reference and Nehru jackets reference?? I wonder – all this crap is before my time, so what I’m really wondering is if I’m weirder than I realize. :-)

Best Reaction to Instant Choreo – Anna channeling the Fonz

Courtney: Oh my little fiery-tressed Russian strikes again. :-) Loved her emphatic thumbs up and totally sarcastic grin anytime anyone mentioned the instant choreo. Everyone seemed to think the idea was a bit nuts, it seemed…even the Berg seemed to chuckle in disbelief anytime he said the phrase “instant choreography”. But Anna took the cake for me – hearty laughter from the audience each time she assumed that expression.

Heidi:I have to give her credit – that was the best non-verbal “this is f@#ked up” I have ever seen. :-)

The Award for Best Segment EVER on DWTS – ANY Episode of Dance Center

Heidi: Dance Center, how do I love thee, let me count the ways…I think I’ll just put in some screen caps and Courtney and I will comment on the appropriately. :-)

Courtney: Maybe I’m just a fuddy-duddy (or just stressed about packing and getting everything ready for vacay), but Dance Center is just ok to me. Parts of it a quite funny, but on the whole – the Berg is the height of comedy for me on this show ;-) However, I will join you in that captioning fun you speak of…

Heidi: Botany??? Dance Center is making an ass out of me, isn’t it. Is there a joke hidden here or are the boys being just totally random? :-)

Courtney: Yah, right…if Brandy’s into botany, then I’m into collecting ceramic clowns and playing the vuvuzela in my spare time.

Heidi: Strange guy I work with ordered a vuvuzela from Africa during the world cup and blew it outside my office. He’s now walking funny. Ridiculous purchase, too, since it was made in China. :-)

Heidi: I think the best part for me is how they spelled chicken, “chickin” -freakin’ hilarious OR the producers flunked 4th grade – you be the judge. :-)

Courtney: Oops Mark, I think you forgot some of the weekly essentials…rose petals, massage oil, votive candles, chocolate truffles, satin sheets…damn, what else am I forgetting? Oh that’s right…eyeliner.

Heidi: Hee…I was so tempted to photoshop in a “Covergirl” reference but didn’t do it.

Courtney: Ok, now you’ve all heard of “mom jeans”…but are these mom…Hammer pants?! You can’t touch this…and I don’t want to either…*shudder*

Heidi: They had multiple shots of poor Lacey’s clothing that I could have capped, but at the time I was doing it I was feeling kind. My first instinct was to cap the slashed up sweatshirt circa Flashdance – they labeled it “free”. LOL. I was also being kind when I didn’t screen cap Lacey stuffing her face while Kyle busted his butt, with a voice over of how hard she works or some such thing. :-)

Heidi: Okay, the whole Jennifer and Derek section was hilarious for multiple reasons, not the least of which was seeing Len say, “That Derek, he’s so cute” in that British accent – LOL. And the tie in of her age as infant, with her characters name in Dirty Dancing (Baby), and Derek rocking her – and then saying that yes, faking an injury is dirty dancing…hilarious but partly predictable. :-) Funniest part of that was the Dirty Dancing part – some bone heads on some un-named message boards were like “Oh look, they are outing her for faking her injuries”. :::rolls eyes::: No, dumbass, they read what some idiots were saying and are satirizing YOU. But the reason why I included this one is because of the Favorite Color. Is there an inside joke here I’m missing?? Oh crap. Just as I was typing this I got it. Light black = Grey. Oh my DUH. :-)

Heidi: This one was a tad predictable as well, but I guffawed anyway. :-) Part of the fun of Dance Center is the way these three guys talk to each other. Well, that and the star under Jerry’s eye, Len’s chest tattoo and…everything about Kenny. Hilarious.

Courtney: Ok Heidi, you go grab the duct tape – it’s time to play “Edward Brandyhands”.

Heidi: There are times when this show would be easier to watch if I had a liquor bottle duct taped to my hand, I have to say. But not Brandy. Brandy is icky. ;-)

Courtney: Oh look – they managed to sew together several of Lacey’s costumes in order to make Kenny look as ridiculous as possible.

Heidi: There are at least three of her skirts in that mess. And here we have an episode of “Who Wore it Better?” Isn’t that Tony’s shirt from his season with Melissa?? Someone in the comments said it was. He was also wearing it when gluing the tiny mirrrors on the mirror ball. As for who wore it better – well, the fact that it is being worn during Dance Center should tell you something.

Heidi: Favorite food – bananas. Bwahahaha…and how is it these guys can make “Zamboni” sound REALLY dirty? :-)

November 12, 2010 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)