DWTS 16, Week 7 – Power Rankings

Well that was a craptastic (and trippy, and nonsensical) evening.

Seriously, powers that be, trash the Latin night theme, because it just feels clichéd and ridiculous now.  And dammit, if tonight were a poker game, TPTB would have been the poker rookie that was giggling and smirking like the cat that ate the canary, betting too high, too soon, and then falling out of your chair and inadvertently showing me your royal flush as you flailed – yeah, it was pretty obvious who you wanted to stay and who you wanted to backdoor.  And the immunity dance? We already knew that was a turd wrapped in tinfoil, but thank you for actually confirming it.  Let’s get down to it so I can take an Ambien and forget today ever happened…

1.) Kellie & Derek – A bit of a gimme, considering they won immunity and can’t be sent home tomorrow – and to be honest, that samba was not Kellie’s best dance, nor do I think it was 10-worthy (but then again, I don’t think any of the 10’s we saw tonight were truly deserved).  The technique was there – she handled the samba runs, stationary walks, and rolls without any issues, and she stayed on-time.  But I’m guessing that Derek was maybe feeling the weight of having to practice 4 dances with Kellie this week, because it probably wasn’t his most inspired piece of choreography – aside from the clever little slo-mo section in the middle, it got a bit repetitive…Derek sure does love those counter-clockwise torso gyrations, side-by-side Tonight may as well have been “Pssst…your tic is showing” night for some of the pros…but we’ll get to that later.  As for Kellie – she kept up, but I do agree that she wasn’t quite “there” for the whole dance…maybe it was nerves, or just trying too hard to remember her steps.  But if this was her “off” week and she still got the high score AND immunity, I doubt she or Derek is losing sleep over it

2.) Zendaya & Val – Get ready, because pigs may start flying: I actually think Zendaya was underscored, especially given that Jacoby got the same score for a dance that was, by comparison, rather messy.  HOWEVER, that’s not to say it was 10-worthy, either – I guess if they were gonna give Zendaya a 27, then Jacoby should have gotten a 25.  And tonight, I think Val’s “tic” was also on display: as I mentioned last week, he has a real affinity for what I call “dead space” – pauses in the dance that are meant to add dramatic effect, but inadvertently end up looking like the dancers just standing there doing nothing, and it kind of slows down the momentum of a dance and gets a bit…boring.  There also seemed to be quite a lot of separate flamenco-style moves, as opposed to them moving as a couple, which was odd – I think he had the right music & the right set-up, and the right partner for a really dynamic, dramatic dance…but he may have blown it a bit on the choreography.  Not sure what judge said it, but the only real problem Zendaya had was kind of over-tucking (?) her chin in an effort to look dramatic – it’s kind of a rookie paso mistake, just like freakishly looking at the ceiling in tango is a rookie mistake. Val was probably wise to obscure her legs, which continue to be a problem, as evidenced by her jive tonight…and what was with the sneakers??? She didn’t wear sneakers for her first jive…why wear them now? As for them picking Jacoby & Karina for the immunity challenge – I have two theories: one, they were out to prove something; or two, they were told who to pick by someone higher up, which actually wouldn’t surprise me, given how much funny business there was tonight.  I daresay their jive matchup with Jacoby & Karina was the only exciting one tonight.  I don’t see them going home this week, but I’m curious to see what the next few weeks leading up to the finale bring – especially since Zen has already burned through every Latin dance except the one most obviously awkward for her: the rumba. 

3.) Aly & Mark – Did Aly go for it in her salsa? Yes.  Was it fun? Sure.  Was it 10-worthy? Hell no.  If we’re going to call Jacoby out for a  salsa that was basically fluff, and just a bunch of gyrating, then we’ve got to call Aly & Mark (or mainly just Mark) out for it, too.  Hell, for the first 20 seconds or so, I thought I had just heard wrong, because it felt more like a merengue or a samba than a salsa – awful lot of bouncing going on.  A lot of shimmying, too – and the crawling on the floor? Errr…I guess it was…cute? I’m not even sure how to describe it.  Lots of fun, yes, but it was a salsa only in name, really.  Then here they come, picking the obvious “gimme” in the immunity dance – Andy.  In Mark’s defense, though, I think anyone picking Andy probably would have looked like a bit of an asshole – I love the guy, but I have no disillusions about him being the weakest dancer left.  That said – I still think they could have picked either Sean or Ingo and still won their matchup, and left the remainder to go up against Andy.  But here’s the strange thing about their immunity cha-cha: was it just me, or was Mark obscuring our view of Aly for quite a bit of it? Yes, we’ve long said there are Muppets running the show, but this even looked like a pretty rookie mistake for the cameramen to make.  I still doubt Andy would have won even if our view of her was unobscured, but it just bugs.  Anyway, I doubt they’re going anywhere, since they topped the leaderboard in a week where the bottom is pretty damn far away…

4.) Jacoby & Karina – Yes, I acknowledge that a 27 was probably a point or two too high for this salsa – while it was very fun and Jacoby actually handles some of the more intricate steps pretty well, the overall feel was a bit chaotic.  Side effect of losing a full day of practice? Who knows – but Jacoby does best all of the other guys still left when it comes to doing lifts.  As for the immunity dance – Heidi tweeted and asked “Why the hell did Jacoby chose jive??? He could have won with rumba!!!” and the only good answer I have is that Jacoby just really, really loves his jive…and loves the audience response he gets from it I’m starting to get the feeling that he is not as hungry for the MBT, so much as he is hungry for just a lot of fun (and there’s nothing wrong with that!)…and while I would love to see him walk away with that trophy on finale night, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s determined enough to really put in the effort to get up to Kellie & Zendaya’s level, technically.  Time will tell

5.) Sean & Peta – All I really remember from both of the rumbas he did tonight was Peta’s choreography tic: slow, slow, FLAIL!, slow, kick your leg up, FLAIL! FLAIL! FLAIL! Aaaaand slow, dramatic arm extension.  Seriously, watch her rumbas (and Sean’s Viennese waltz) – she will do 3-4 sections of slow moves, punctuated by 2-3 really fast, choppy, overdramatic moves.  I guess you can call it “guerrilla rumba” – just when you least expect it, BLAM! Dramatic arm in your face I will say this, though – I think Sean did a better job of actually moving around than Ingo did, and while Peta did do a lot of dancing around him, it wasn’t quite as obvious as it was with Ingo & Kym.  But calm down there, killer – Sean about flung Peta into the audience on that spin-turned-lift.  I would say his immunity rumba with Ingo was probably the most evenly-matched of the night, but it wasn’t particularly exciting – wasn’t terribly invested in either guy.  But I was a bit surprised that they gave that one to Ingo – was sure they would fall for the drama & faux-passion of Sean’s rumba AGAIN.  Which kind of begs the question for me: did they deliberately leave things pretty even between the two ABC guys? I think it could be almost a toss-up between the two of them in the bottom 2, but my gut is telling me Sean might be safe this week (blech).  I’d love to be wrong, and I’d love for him to go home – because as someone here put it, he’s like Willard from Footloose – except he’s not really that charming. 

6.) Ingo & Kym – Well, I give props to Kym for looking hotter tonight than she has all season – I think she was probably wise to pull out the blood red fabric and show some leg…and abs…and awesome boobage tonight, on a night where Ingo’s rumba just kind of fell flat.  I feel like I say this every week: Ingo seems to try really, really hard, but it just never seems to translate into significant results on the dance floor…especially in the Latin dances, where he just has super-stiff hips.  But in contrast to Sean, who seems to benefit from a lot of smoke & mirrors and flash & trash from Peta’s choreography, I do feel like Ingo actually TRIES to get the right technique…so I have to applaud that.  His rumba, while awkward, thankfully didn’t feel as contrived and phony as Sean & Peta’s.  But again – why switch gears and give the immunity dance to Ingo & Kym, when both guys basically did the same routine again, and Sean scored higher the first time around??? I’m not particularly invested in either guy, but it’s just yet another thing that happened tonight that seemed…off.  But anyway – I’m thinking Ingo might take a spill into the bottom 2 tomorrow night, although I’d love for it to be Sean instead.  He hasn’t been there – yet – but I have to wonder if his jeopardy appearance a few weeks back was a warning.

7.) Andy & Sharna – First of all, can I just say how much it gave me warm fuzzies to see some of the Kellie fans throwing their votes to Andy after it was announced that Kellie got immunity? Restores my faith in humanity a bit, which I really needed after a sh*t day at work, and an even sh*ttier time watching tonight’s show – I’m not a particularly vengeful person, but I’m getting to the point where I’m hoping karma bites the judges in the ass.  Carrie Ann’s weave gets horribly knotted & the paps get a pic of it looking nasty, Bruno’s Maserati gets a BIIIIG ol’ scratch right down the side of it, Len gets a bad batch of Marmite and ends up with food poisoning – because these three stooges have reached a whole new level of LOW with some of the comments they threw at Andy.  We get it, judges, Andy’s the weakest dancer left and he gots ta go – but jeez, way to rub both lemon juice & salt in the poor guy’s wounds.  As non-technical as this rumba may have been, it was clever, and it played to Andy’s strengths as a performer – and you can’t deny that it was kinda cute and fun to watch.  So there was no need for comments like Bruno’s, where he wished he “could forget that dance”.  Pssssh…I wish I could forget your leathery-ass face, Bruno, but I don’t say it out loud…until now.  And I have to wonder if Andy may have been better off picking the jive as their immunity dance, because while his rumba wasn’t good – his first cha-cha wasn’t, either.  But anyway – I think they got pretty hosed with their score, and didn’t manage to scoop up any points in the immunity round, so barring a miracle (and I like to believe in miracles!), I think Andy is toast tomorrow – but once again, I’d love to be wrong.  Andy just makes me smile so much

 So were you guys as disenchanted with Latin night as I was? And what did you think of the immunity dances?