In part I of this series, we took a look at the 4 stars this season that likely have the largest amount of “previous dance experience” – Brandy, Florence, Jennifer, & David. What did we gather? That even though they’re the most “experienced” of this season’s cast – they still don’t have much of an advantage. Oh, and we did have some laughs along the way
And laughs don’t stop there, kids. Today, we’re gonna take a look at the rest of the cast, and see if they have any “previous experience” that might give them a leg up in the competition. A fair warning: while part I was semi-serious, don’t expect too much intelligent discussion on this one – because some of this dancing is just downright laughable! I recommend using the restroom before you commence reading, lest you wet yourself from laughing too hard & too long
Our first subject today? Kyle Massey, who filmed a music video for a song he did on the Underdog movie soundtrack a few years back:
Courtney: He gets an A+ for bouncing around and flailing his arms – but thank goodness he leaves that sizzling choreography to his backup dancers. The dog is clearly the best dancer in this video.
Marianya: Boingy, boingy, boingy… I think Tigger bounces better than he does. That being said, I don’t know if bouncing in place and tossing arms this way and that would constitute as dancing… but people seem to do that a lot in clubs. So if this was Club Dancing with the Stars, he’d have a good chance to hit top spot…
Heidi: Forget the “dancing”, can we talk about his ability to lip sync? He has none. I mean, aren’t your lips supposed to go with the words to the song? I was so distracted by that that I didn’t notice the dancing or lack thereof. LOL. Underdog?? I’m too old for this, aren’t I.
The verdict: If this were “Clubbing with the Stars” or “Bouncing with the Stars”, he’d be a shoo-in. But if it were “Lip-Syncing with the Stars” – he’d be the first sent home.
Bet you thought Jennifer Grey was the only star this season that had ever been in a dance movie, huh? Well think again – Margaret Cho did a little dance flick called Can’t Stop Dancing 1999 – keep an eye out for sweet moves by Marge at the :43 & :49 marks:
Heidi: Okay, I’m just twisted enough to find that amusing. CHEESY, but amusing. I’m thinking that shoulder won’t take her far, but we’ll be laughing while she’s with us.
Courtney: HOW THE HELL DID I MISS THIS MOVIE WHEN IT CAME OUT?! I must rent this…ASAP. And Heidi, I’m going to have to disagree about Marge’s shoulder popping & back bending – they’re far more entertaining & challenging than some of the moves in Tony & Kate’s Breakfast Club-themed foxtrot.
Marianya: Interestingly enough, my friends and I are fans of Margaret Cho. What we agreed is that Margaret’s weight is directly relative to what type of work out she’s doing. So as amusing as I found the vid to be… I find this much more my taste for Margaret Cho, or even this one…. Whether Louis could integrate them into ballroom or use that to their advantage remains to be seen.
The verdict: Not much Marge can glean from her experiences in this movie…other than how to make us laugh like crazy, and have a good time while she’s doing it!
Next up: Kurt Warner, who did a little “Walk it Out” with Larry Fitzgerald at a charity basketball game in 2009:
Marianya: He’s got rhythm, he’s got music.. He is my man do I need to ask for anything more… Sorry I blame Courtney. Mildly entertaining, for a quarterback, at least he’s willing to put himself out there and have a bit of fun. *watches again* Ok… not really mildly entertaining, I can’t stop watching and rewatching and rewatching… ugh this is sad.
Heidi: LOOK OUT!! Kurt has got some rhythm!! Again, highly amusing – but the fact that the guy doesn’t take himself too seriously might cause me to re-evaluate my ranking of him in this competition. Although he might bend his knees TOO much for Len.
Courtney: Calling it right now – if Kurt & Anna make it to the finale, “Walk it Out” will be their freestyle KIDDING!!!But yah – I love that the guy isn’t too uptight to do a little impromptu grooving at an event, in front of A LOT of people. He, like the Hoff (and really Margaret too), may have an advantage in that he’s not afraid of embarassing himself.
The verdict: Kurt’s adorable – but he’s not gonna win any points with Len for “walking it out”…if anything, he may “walk it out” of the competition if he dances like this!
Now Michael Bolton isn’t typically known for doing really any dancing in his videos – but this is the closest thing I could find. Ladies, for your enjoyment, the Bolton classic “How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends”:
Courtney: W-O-W. I had forgotten how music videos from the ’90s were so overwrought with emotion. And is there a rule about being in Michael Bolton videos? Like you have to have long, permed hair or something? It’s a pretty loose definition of dancing, but Michael does the “I’m in emotional agony” clenched-fists-while-hitting-those-high-notes pretty damn well and he dips that mic stand like a pro.
Marianya: Is it bad that this song is in my playlist? Aren’t I a bit young to enjoy Michael Bolton effectively? Why the hell does he have long hair? Does he think that he’s a girl? Why do people throw their panties at people? How do they take their panties off to throw onto the stage? Do people strip on the spot to throw their panties and bras on the stage? Ok… yeeeaaaah…
Heidi: So, like, what was the deal with the little James Bond Homage in the middle of the video? And, like, where can I get a pink guitar. Also, like, was this before the miracle bra because these chicks need some help. I suddenly have, like, the urge to throw my panties at my computer. Like, why do I keep saying like?? Like I think I might be in the wrong decade, but who the hell knows?
Courtney: Marianya, don’t feel too bad – it’s on my iPod too, and my roommate my freshman year of college & I used to dance around to this before exams to get pumped up. And as for the removal of undergarmets at concerts – a bra is pretty easy to remove without doffing one’s top. The panties, I’m not quite sure how they pull that one off…is there such a thing as tear-away panties? On second thought – nobody answer that.
The verdict: Michael makes us want to scream, cry, and hurl our undergarmets at him – but he doesn’t really make us wanna dance. Nope, not really.
Looks like we’ve got a Situation on her hands – he and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast appeared in Enrique Iglesias’ latest video, “I Like It”…feel free to fast forward to the 2:34 mark, when the signature Jersey “fist pumping” begins:
Heidi: Shit, Enrique is HOT. How did I manage to ignore him for so long? Oh, right, I ignore pop music as a rule. Was the Situation in this video? And what the hell is a Snookie? See my earlier comment about ignoring pop music – I’m also trying very hard to ignore MTV. Indie and classic rock all the way!!
Courtney: Am I the only one that finds this song downright awful? I think I’d rather get a root canal than listen to it voluntarily. And yes, the Situation was the one in the lavender button-down (which was completely unbuttoned)leading the rest of those hoodlums in that challenging fist pump section. Oh, and a Snooki is a low-calorie whipped dessert…according to Simon Cowell
Marianya: I had to watch the video several times because I was paying more attention to Enrique than to “the Situation”… Unlike Heidi, I listen to pop music, in the car trip between the ‘burbs and the city. He’s been hitting the circuit a lot… first SYTYCD, then AGT… wasn’t he on DWTS recently too?
The verdict: No Situation here – fist pumping is not going to win you the mirrorball trophy on DWTS.
And last but not least, we come to Bristol. Ok, so maybe it’s not Bristol herself…but they say dance skills run in the family, right?
Marianya: I got not comment about the pick, but man I hope she isn’t as bratty as rumors are claiming that she is b/c I would rather prefer to be taken by surprised… ah que sera sera. I suppose they are wanting to egg on mama bear to protect her young… and that would bring in more drama. Poor Mark.
Heidi: Girl, it’s going to be hard enough to stay away from politics and the freakin’ train wreck that is Sarah Palin (she made up another new word this week – 5 point to the person who can tell me the word) without you putting up pictures of her on the site. And remember, don’t punish the daughter for the sins of the mother. Just punish her for being a sucky dancer (if she is).
Courtney: Well what the hell was I supposed to post, considering that the only videos I can find of Bristol online are of her walking or talking? While I find this mildly amusing (if this ever happened in real life, I’d check to see if pigs were soaring in the skies above and if there was a forecast of snow in hell), shame on whoever defaced poor Karina’s body. This is a pretty damn seamless photoshop job, though…I will say that.
The verdict: Bristol’s just plain screwed, whatever way you look at it. Poor Mark.
Heidi: Hold UP a minute, Courtney, you forgot one. Rick Fox.
Heidi: Personally, I’m a fan of ass dancing. Hee.
Courtney: Go Rick Fox, it’s your birthday, we gonna party like it’s your birthday…
Marianya: I don’t think it’s ass dancing as much as it’s ass bouncing. At least I prefer his bounce over Kyle’s… which on second thought isn’t a good thing either.
The verdict: Hope Rick’s got a strong caboose after doing all this bouncing…because Cheryl’s gonna whip that caboose into shape if not!
We hope you all enjoyed this journey of mediocre (and downright ridiculous) dancing as much as we did For those of you wondering about Audrina and her suspicious absence – we just couldn’t find anything remotely dance-related that she’s done in the past. So if you happen to be in possession of a video or photo of Audrina shaking her groove thing, please – do share We’ll even give you credit!