Another week, another cheesecake. Beware, there are scary hair stories, penis talk and general bitchiness ahead. You’ve been warned.
The “It’s about Freakin’ TIME!!” Award: The opening pro dance!!!
Heidi: THAT’S what I’m talking about in terms of wanting more pro dances!! That was awesome! Well done.
Courtney: At long last – a pro dance comprised ENTIRELY of pros we know, that is legit ballroom (and not artsy contemporary/ballet), and with believable cha-cha/quickstep music. Was that really so hard, powers that be? Good to see a lot of familiar faces in addition to this year’s cast – Anna D., Ashly, Damian, Dmitry, Jonathan, and even Inna. Only absence that I really seemed to notice? Alec & Edyta. *sigh* Makes me wish that their split from the show wasn’t quite so bitter…then we might actually have a chance at seeing them in a pro dance. Oh well…c’est la vie. Also gotta give a “Cheesecake Award within a Cheesecake Award” to the wardrobe department for digging up every last silver ladies’ Latin costume they could find for this number…saw Kym’s cha-cha costume from season 9, a few of the dresses from the Team Gaga cha-cha last season, Chelsie’s cha-cha costume from last season, Kym’s freestyle costume from season 7, etc. etc. etc. And before any of you ask – yes, there is another edition of “Who Wore it Better?” on the way…it’s just a matter of me figuring out the time between our other weekly features, my job, vacations, pets, and other commitments. Be patient, it will be worth it
Heidi: You forgot – no annoying interuptions to show the cheesy musical guest. Oh crap. I just realized that we forgot Tom B.’s most awesome faux faint while talking to Taylor Swift. And Courtney’s gone to bed to watch Grey’s Anatomy, leaving me alone with the Cheeeeeese. Well, Tom, not that Taylor’s cheesy or anything – and I thought the bit was good, really – but it wasn’t your best because you PLANNED it. I know this because you said so on Twitter. I still love you and think you deserve 10 Emmy’s though.
The Cheesecake Award for The Cheesiest Cheese that Ever Cheesed: the opening of the Team Dances
Heidi: Laugh out loud on the cheese factor. It was like a prize fight or something. Hilarious. Big heartbeat, dramatic music, steam. Oy veh. Ha, check out Ballas posed on the floor.
Courtney: You may have LOLed…but I cringed and rolled my eyes. The hearbeat sound effect? The smoke? The intimidating pose at the end? Ugh. I don’t ever remember them going to such tacky lengths before for the team dances, and they worked just fine then. The only one who really seemed to get into the drama of it was Mark…surprise, surprise.
Heidi: That was the cheesiest part – he thought he was all bad ass. See Derek make funny faces about it, cut to Mark trying to look like Stallone in Rambo.
Best Use of a Soul Patch by a Non-Ohno Celebrity: Jennifer Grey, Honorable Mention: Brooke Burke.
Heidi: First off, I thought whoever came up with the Soul Patch idea was brilliant – LOVED it. I know I read that it was kind of a last minute thing. I just thought that was a cool homage to their captain. But then to come back from commercial to see Jennifer leaning on Apolo wearing Derek’s – too funny. And Kudos to Brooke for going with the flow and trying to put it on her own face. I just love little things like that – they’re not huge but they make the show more fun.
Courtney: Definitely gave them a creative, humorous little “edge” over Team Kristi, as did the bandanas…then again, what were their opponents supposed to do as an homage to their captain? Do a couple of triple lutzes? They should have asked Derek for an assist…I hear does a passable Yamaguchi impersonation But anyway, back to the soul patch. I think the funniest part of it for me was the fact that it kept falling off of Anna…must’ve been some shittay adhesive! At one point I think it fell down her shirt.
Award for Scariest Pre-Dance Package: Team Apolo
Heidi: After seeing that package I was somewhat convinced their dance was going to be a mess – and I think we likely have the production/editing crew to thank for that. They were so intent on making sure everyone knew that Jennifer was tired that they didn’t seem to really focus on anything else. The rehearsal seemed disorganized and a shambles. Obviously, since they danced so well, that wasn’t the case at all.
Courtney: Once again, I blame those sneaky producers and their sly attempts at making the playing field look far more level than it really is. I knew the team dance was gonna be a homerun for Team Apolo right off the bat, thanks to Kristi’s poor strategy in choosing her team. The 2 best dancers this season (Jennifer & Brandy), a well-matched, lovable couple (Kurt & Anna), and a pro that’s never lost before in a team dance (Derek) – pretty stacked deck, if you ask me. So what did they do to create suspense? Tried to make Team Apolo’s practice look as trainwrecky as humanly possible. Jennifer’s tired! Kurt’s having trouble with the steps! Brandy is having a hard time keeping up! How ever will they beat Team Kristi, the team whose package was all sunshine & rainbows & Bristol shimmying her hips with Lacey & Cheryl??! The answer: pretty easily. Nice try, PTB.
Heidi: I’m pretty sure I saw a rainbow shoot out of Rick’s ass. But Jesus, I didn’t even think that far through it. Those shitheads. Awesome point, oh young but wise one.
Tom Bergeron Line O’ the Night: “You never forget your first” in reference to Mel B pinching his butt. Honorable Mention – “We now join the Bickersons already in progress.”
Heidi: There’s not much we can say about The Bergeron that we haven’t already waxed poetic about. Why this man hasn’t won an Emmy yet, I can’t understand. Step out of the way, Probst, all your shit is pre-taped and edited. (Psst…I love you too, though. Call me.) And that argument between Anna and Kurt was the cutest thing ever – I would have commented on it too, if I were Tom.
Courtney: Tom Bergeron is what made this 200th Episode extravaganza work – all the banter with the returning celebs, the off-the-cuff humor we’ve come to love week after week – he’s just perfect. And forget Probst – the man just looks dramatic while pulling pieces of paper out of a jug. And move over Heidi Klum – Bergeron can say a whole lot more than “Auf Wiedersen”. Now if only Bergeron would win, and Cat Deeley would at least get a nomination…
The Award for Biggest “WTF?” Production Screw Up of the Night: Whoever in production that had their mic “live” so that we heard them laugh and say “thanks Brooke!!” right after she called Rick in jeopardy. (Dis)Honorable Mention – the camera man who failed to have Kurt on camera in the very opening of their dance.
Heidi: Geez oh man, they really had trouble keying the correct mic buttons this week. At least twice I heard production voices when I shouldn’t have, then I heard Tom talking when his mic should have been turned off. The worst was the one regarding Rick. I think Brooke realized that went over the air too, by the look on her face (in watching this back a second time, it actually sounds like Kyle and Lacey). Then there was one during Brandy’s VT prior to her finding out if she was safe or not. I know this is a live show and all, but it’s one you’ve been doing for 5 years, folks. That party champagne start flowing a tad early, did it?? Big goof at the beginning of Kurt’s dance too – nice shot of Anna’s face though.
Courtney: I didn’t catch either of these, and I’m too lazy to go back and watch again right now, so I will take your word for it But yah, seriously – who do they have on their production staff this season? A bunch of orangutans? Seriously sloppy.
Heidi: I wonder if they edit that crap out for the west coast, like when someone does something bad on live TV and the west coast never sees it? Curious.
The Dork of the Week Award: Mark Ballas for his on-going contributions to the awkward nicknames Hall of Fame.
Heidi: Dude, Bristallion? Dork. I mean really, Mark, pretty sure no female wants a nickname that’s partly large, male horse-related. Especially not when Derek is around to shout it at the top of his lungs like he did in the celebraquarium the other night. While we’re at it, let’s talk about why you shouldn’t call her “Bris” – unless you’re talking about when you were a young Jewish boy, I’m pretty sure that one should be dropped entirely from your vocabulary. Then there’s your team name. Ballin?? REALLY?? Do I really need to explain this one to you?? I know others tried, via twitter, to talk you out of that one. Now that I look at this list, it becomes apparent that you have only one thing on your mind. LOL.
Courtney: I think Mark is just grasping at whatever he can to endear Bristol to the masses (although she’s apparently endeared herself enough to make it all the way to the quarterfinals…are tacky nicknames really a necessity?). Bristallion, Bris, Team Ballin, Bristol the Pistol – are you running out of ideas, Mark? Let me help: how bout “Bristol Meth”? Cause she’s got such energy? Oh, and interesting to note: in Cockney rhyming slang (think Basher from Ocean’s Eleven and Austin Powers & his father in Goldmember), “Bristol” is actually slang for “tits”. Can I say tits? Or should I change it to “boobies”? Cause the latter just kinda makes me feel silly.
Heidi: “Boobies” is so 12 year old boy.
The “Way to Bogart Heidi & Courtney’s Cheesecake Awards” Award: The DWTS Awards
Heidi: How many times can we use the word “awards” in one sentence? I believe I actually groaned out loud when Tom announced they were going to hand out awards – the first sign that a show is taking itself too seriously is when it gets all self-congratulatory. But luckily I think the producers were just stealing from me and Courtney and decided to have their own Cheesecake Awards. Some of their choices were pretty questionable, though, in their effort to actually get a full roster of nominees. In what universe does Kate Gosselin get included in “most dramatic” moment with the likes of Marie fainting or Christian getting hurt?? Then they really fluffed (pardon the expression, boys ) up the male pro “biggest transformation” award. Mark and Derek? Seriously? Derek cut his hair and has figured out how to grow facial hair (but it’s blond so you can’t see it), and Mark shaved already short hair off. Both have gotten a little more buff, but really, not that big a transformation. I think they really wanted to make fun of Louis’ and Maks’ hair at the end of the day. LOL – and that was some hair guaranteed to get you picked on on the playground, for sure. And I definitely think that Erin should have gotten an award for hitting Maks in the head with her shoe – that was AWESOME.
Courtney: Seriously, powers that be – you’re already annoying me with all the changes you’re making to the show, but now you done pissed me off by deciding to give your own silly ass awards. Ours are far, far superior, just to be clear Agree wholeheartedly about Kate & Tony’s little tiff being included in the “Most Dramatic” category – seems quite trivial and stupid when you’re showing Cristian tearing his bicep and Misty rupturing her Achilles tendon and Marie fainting…and how did I know as soon as they showed that clip that an Osmond was a shoo-in to win the “Most Dramatic” category? Ai ai ai. And yes, the male pro transformation category was for the sole purpose of making fun of Maks’ & Louis’ epically bad long-haired days. Why else do you think they started with the least transformed (Derek, Mark, & Tony)? Enjoyed Len’s bit in the judges’ category – his one-liners, though few & far between, are often nearly as funny as Tom’s – “I’ve seen more romance at a dentist!” “The rumba is the dance of love…this felt more like a couple havin’ a bit of hanky-panky in the back of a Chevy!” “Entertainment runs through your veins like chianti does through Bruno’s!” As for Carrie Ann and Bruno – the former’s was an odd collection of gyrations, cougar behavior, and tears, and the latter…well his was the same, minus the tears. And really guys – Kenny Mayne the worst dancer in DWTS history? Dude, it doesn’t get much worse than Master P…brutally bad, and had no inclination whatsoever to improve. Overall: I wouldn’t let the ding-dongs behind those awards anywhere near the Cheesecake. Heidi & I would have had that audience howling…or completely offended. Who knows.
Heidi: Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m TRYING for “completely offended.” CAI is quite an idiot when you string all her crap together like that. And Bruno – well, where would we be without all that innuendo? Sans tears?
The “If you haven’t got anything nice to say…STFU” Award: Lacey Schwimmer
Heidi: Why the hell does Lacey actually sound mean in the Dancer Transformation segment where the other ladies are actually pretty amusing? Just me and my over all apathy toward Lacey this season? Girl, just because you routinely soak your brain, er, head in bleach doesn’t mean everyone does. Unless Derek has been bleaching since birth, when you two are standing together only one of you has serious peroxide issues. Hint – his beard is ash blond. The boy probably gets highlighted, but I doubt very much that he dyes his beard to match his head. Me thinks she of the head of straw is a tad envious of pretty blond hair. She’s certainly in NO position to make fun of Maks, Louis or anyone else about their hair and how pony tails aren’t attractive. Her hair looks horrible! Dye it back, already. Ugh. Note to Lacey – me and Court are the only ones allowed to critique. It’s the law of blogs, plus your hair is worse than any of those guys.
Courtney: Once upon a time, back in college, Courtney got bored with her hair (which was jet black at the time – also the product of boredom a few months prior) and decided to go blonde. The result, while not entirely painful to look at, was not ideal – it was quite obvious I was not a natural platinum blonde (my skin is rather olive), my hair was rather dull & frizzy, and it broke off just above the shoulders due to being so completely damaged. It took only a few months of this nonsense (and a ridiculous amount of money to maintain it) to figure out that I was simply not cut out to be a blonde. Lacey, on the other hand – she seems like she hasn’t quite reached that point yet. She is still in the “wow, blondes really do have more fun!” phase where she is convinced that it’s her destiny to be blonde, and that it looks so good on her that she’s in a position to pass judgement on those with natural blonde hair. Hint: if God gave it to you – it probably looks better on you than it does on someone who bought it. I love how she automatically assumes that he bleaches – has she not seen old family pix of the Houghs? Every single one of those children was blessed with full heads of golden hair, no chemical assistance necessary. And as if she knows how terrible her hair looks, she says “If you get any more bleach in your hair, you’re gonna look like me!” Reason enough right there to ditch the bleach, D-Hough. If you really are bleaching, that is.
Heidi: When did this turn into a horror story? :::shudder::: Breaking hair?? I’m a natural redhead – or I was. I’m the kind of redhead that goes very blonde in the sun and after a while it just stayed blonde – so I know not of which you speak but it sounds very, very scary. I think Julianne probably lightens her natural, more ash blonde but that girl has awesome hair. Is Lacey just not spending enough money on it? I really wanna know. Is this a case of Super Cuts versus the Beverly Hills Salon?
Award for the Most Succinct and Apropos Description of the Instant Dance: Brandy
Heidi: In the confessional, she just kinda crossed her eyes and twirled her finger near her ear. Yep, that pretty much sums it up for me, girl.
Courtney: Crack is whack.
The “Coincidence? I think not.” Award: The Cast of SWTS
Heidi: HA!!! Both Bethany and Rebecca Budig were rumored for DWTS and here they are turning up on Skating with the Stars – I’m so good I’m finding hints for shows I didn’t even know existed.
Courtney: Here’s what gets me: Skating with the Stars is not even a new show. Does anyone else remember Skating with Celebrities that aired on FOX about, oh, 4 or 5 years ago? Exact same premise. Nothing at all new or innovative about this incarnation. The winner of that show, Kristy Swanson, actually ended up marrying her skating pro from the show, Lloyd Eisler. And the show got such low ratings that they didn’t even bother with a 2nd season. Will this time around be a smash hit, following on the heels of DWTS? Maybe. But I doubt it. The only reason I’m tuning in is because I’m pretty sure Randall has signed on to do the costumes for that show as well, since I spotted Rebecca donning Nicole’s Argentine tango dress from last season. Ringer pick to win: Olympic skier Johnny Moseley.
Brooke Burke Flub O’ the Week: Saying that Maks had gone to the finals 2 times before…when he’s actually been to the finals 3 times
Courtney: And god bless Maks for calling her out on it! Once again, not sure if they’re feeding her bad info in her earpiece, or she’s trying to improvise this banter, but either way…something is getting lost in translation. My advice to Brooke: if you’re going to throw out anything remotely numbers-related, or really, just facts-related, memorize it prior to the show. Write it on your hand. Come up with a fun pnemonic for it. Have someone write it on a telelprompter or cue card. And if you still can’t remember it…just scrap the idea altogether and ask them if they want some cheesecake.
Heidi:Yeah, write it on your hand!! Bristol’s mom can show you how it’s done!! And thus endeth the obscure political trivia portion of the Cheesecake Awards.
The “I Can Haz Costume Gimmick?” Award: Lacey Schwimmer
Courtney: Ok, I promise I’m not deliberately TRYING to turn this into the Heidi & Courtney anti-Lacey hour, but homegirl is SERIOUSLY bugging me this season for many reasons – and this is one of them. Why is her go-to costume these days a skimpy feathered skirt and a matching bedazzled bra???? Monday night was the third time THIS SEASON that we’ve seen this combo – each time in a slightly different color scheme. I feel like most of the time, the ladies on the show know what kinds of costumes flatter them best, and generally stick to what really shows of their assets while camoflaging other areas. I don’t feel like Lacey always follows this example – and I don’t think the feathered-skirt-with-matching-bedazzled-bra combo is at all flattering on her. In fact, I cannot help but wonder how many Muppets had to die to make her skirt, or how late some poor wardrobe assistant had to stay up bedazzling yet another bra for her. Do you REALLY need to show that much skin, honey? Edyta is gone, and she was really the only one who could carry off near-nudity well. And someone, please burn that damn razor blade bra before she has a chance to wear it for a 5th time – we saw it in season 7, season 9, the beginning of this season, and then in the Bruno dance video. NO MORE RAZOR BLADE BRA!!! PLEASE!!!! But hey, she got her wish – she will forever be known as the “sparkle bra and silly feathered skirt” gal in my mind….not a good thing.
Heidi:Would you believe that I had an award called “The Rule Most In Need of Breaking Award” – The one that requires that Lacey be in EVERY single freakin’ Pro dance on the damn show!! I took it out because I thought maybe I was being too harsh and that I was alone in being so sick of Lacey that I have the urge to slap her. Guess not. Problem is that she thinks she’s REALLY hot and REALLY funny and she’s…not. At. All. I think the only time I’ve laughed at her was when she told Kyle to put his chest away because no one wanted to see it – and I laughed because I said the same thing at the same time, so I was really laughing at myself.
Least Surprising Appearance by a Former Contestant: Jake Pavelka
Courtney: So completely NOT shocked to see goofy attention-whore Jake cheesing next to Evan & Erin when the camera panned to the season 10 celebs. He’s probably desperate for attention now that the whole Vienna scandal has died down.
Heidi:That and the fact that he probably can’t get a job to save his life. Ugh. He’s not even goofy, he’s smarmy and creepy.
And thus endeth the Cheesecake (why do I keep trying to spell it Cheesekake?) Awards for Week 7. Hope you all enjoyed.