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PureDWTS Season 17 – The Great “Previous Dance Experience” Debate, Part I

Yes, it’s time once more for us to sit down and examine this season’s crop of contestants and see who might have the edge based on dance experience they’ve had prior to doing the show.  Mostly, though, we just tend to make fun of the bizarre and often embarrassing clips we dig up from the stars’ pasts…so take it with a grain of salt, please ;-)

Also, I have a request to make of our Pure readers: for as easy as it was to compile the clips from this season’s ladies, I am REALLY struggling with the guys – I already have clips for Corbin & Bill N., but I’m having a hard time with Bill E., Brant, Keyshawn, & Jack :-( So if you happen upon clips of any of the 4 that I mentioned doing some dancing in their past (it can be any kind), please send ‘em over – preferably via the “contact us” button at the top of the page, or you can tweet the links to me @putuincespence.  DO NOT post the links in the comments section, please ;-) If I use a clip you send me, I might see if John will be willing to throw in some gratis memberships to our “members only” area as a reward ;-)

First, let’s take a look at Elizabeth Berkley – who’s probably known primarily as Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell and Nomi Malone from Showgirls, and she did a bit of dancing as both.  First, what Saved by the Bell retrospective would be complete without a look at this gem from the famous pill-popping episode?
Read more..

September 10, 2013 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Season 16, Let the Campaigning Begin – Deena Nicole Cortese

It must be January, because the guessing games have begun. :-) Let me remind our readers of the difference between a real rumor, a campaign and a simple answer to a question.

A real rumor is just that – a rumor. Someone says “so and so is going to be on DWTS” – not just anyone, but someone who might be in a position to know or hear something. A campaign is when a “star” puts it out there (often over and over again) that they want to be on the show and they get their fans to spam ABC to get them on the show. Word to the wise – this has NEVER worked. We have yet to see a celebrity campaign their butts off and actually make it on to the show.

Option 3 is when some silly reporter randomly asks a celebrity (perhaps at the prompting of that celebrity’s PR person prior to the interview) if they would do DWTS. That allows the celebrity to signal their willingness to do the show without looking like they are campaigning.

Today we have what I think is the beginnings of a campaign – it’s hard to tell. You be the judge:

deena nicole cortese

ETA: I added this before but it didn’t post – Lots of her fans are suggesting Derek or Mark but I say give her to Maks cuz he LOVES him some Jersey Shore. ;-)

January 4, 2013 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

The Top 10 Worst First Week Cha-Cha’s in DWTS History

Ahhhh, yes – the cha-cha.  The only first week dance that has remained the same in all 14 seasons of the show - they’ve often vacillated between the waltz, foxtrot, and Viennese waltz as the first week ballroom dance from season to season, but they’ve always had the cha-cha as a week 1 Latin dance.  That’s 75 regular week 1 cha-cha’s (I’m not counting the cha-cha relay from season 9 - the scoring is too funky) for me to run the stats on, to give us an idea of what we might expect in the coming week :-) So before I run down the list of the biggest “Oh god, that was baaaaaad!” week 1 cha-cha moments, here are a few interesting cha-cha stats:

*The lowest cha-cha score in DWTS history is 12 – and it’s a 3-way tie between Master P & Ashly, Tucker & Elena, and Jeff & Edyta.  Two of the couples were eliminated the first week of their respective seasons – and all 3 female pros are no longer on the show :-) (ok, that last one was probably not a direct cause of a bad cha-cha, but just an interesting coincidence ;-))

*Five former DWTS champions did cha-cha as their week 1 dance (Drew, Emmitt, Apolo, Brooke, & Hines).

*The pro who’s done the most week 1 cha-cha’s is Cheryl – she’s started 9 of her 12 seasons on the show with a cha-cha.

*A female celeb didn’t dance the cha-cha as a week 1 dance until season 5 – up until that point, the ladies had always done a ballroom dance the first week, and the men had always done cha-cha.

Now…without further ado…I give you the worst week 1 cha-cha’s in DWTS history :-) Season 14 celebs, pay attention! This is for your own good…do not try to emulate these routines!

10.) Clyde & Elena, season 4

I never got the feeling that Clyde was actually making a genuine effort during his season, really.  I think his handlers probably signed him up for the show just to get him some exposure, and it was never something Clyde really wanted to do – he just seemed to do the bare minimum each week and probably hoped to get voted off quickly. His whole “outrage” over Len pointing out that some couples weren’t practicing enough just really made me think that Clyde the Glide doth protest too much – he wasn’t putting in the hours and he knew it.  On top of the apathy, there was a huge height difference between he & Elena, and at 6’7″, he was generally just kinda ungainly…add that altogether and you’ve got a cha-cha that’s just kind of an awkward non-event.

9.) Billy Ray & Karina, season 4

I’m not sure who I feel worse for here – Billy Ray or Karina.  Billy Ray really was kind of ”a left-footed hillbilly from Kentucky” (his own words), and this cha-cha was a pretty hot mess.  I like to call this “drunk uncle at a wedding” dancing - some random grooving & flailing & forgotten footwork from Billy Ray while Karina did some cha-cha around him.   But I will say this – unlike Clyde, who had probably phoned it in before the season even started, I do think Billy Ray was giving it his all the entire season.  This poor guy REALLY wanted to do well for Karina, and he did put in the effort – but some people are just not natural dancers, and Billy Ray is unfortunately in that camp. Read more..

March 12, 2012 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Season 11 – The Great “Previous Dance Experience” Debate, Part II

In part I of this series, we took a look at the 4 stars this season that likely have the largest amount of “previous dance experience” – Brandy, Florence, Jennifer, & David.  What did we gather? That even though they’re the most “experienced” of this season’s cast – they still don’t have much of an advantage.  Oh, and we did have some laughs along the way ;-)

And laughs don’t stop there, kids.  Today, we’re gonna take a look at the rest of the cast, and see if they have any “previous experience” that might give them a leg up in the competition.  A fair warning: while part I was semi-serious, don’t expect too much intelligent discussion on this one – because some of this dancing is just downright laughable! I recommend using the restroom before you commence reading, lest you wet yourself from laughing too hard & too long ;-)

Our first subject today? Kyle Massey, who filmed a music video for a song he did on the Underdog movie soundtrack a few years back:

 

Courtney: He gets an A+ for bouncing around and flailing his arms – but thank goodness he leaves that sizzling choreography to his backup dancers.  The dog is clearly the best dancer in this video.

Marianya: Boingy, boingy, boingy… I think Tigger bounces better than he does. That being said, I don’t know if bouncing in place and tossing arms this way and that would constitute as dancing… but people seem to do that a lot in clubs. So if this was Club Dancing with the Stars, he’d have a good chance to hit top spot…

Heidi: Forget the “dancing”, can we talk about his ability to lip sync? He has none. :-) I mean, aren’t your lips supposed to go with the words to the song? I was so distracted by that that I didn’t notice the dancing or lack thereof. LOL. Underdog?? I’m too old for this, aren’t I.

The verdict: If this were “Clubbing with the Stars” or “Bouncing with the Stars”, he’d be a shoo-in.  But if it were “Lip-Syncing with the Stars” – he’d be the first sent home.

Bet you thought Jennifer Grey was the only star this season that had ever been in a dance movie, huh? Well think again – Margaret Cho did a little dance flick called Can’t Stop Dancing 1999 – keep an eye out for sweet moves by Marge at the :43 & :49 marks:

Heidi: Okay, I’m just twisted enough to find that amusing. :-) CHEESY, but amusing. I’m thinking that shoulder won’t take her far, but we’ll be laughing while she’s with us.

Courtney: HOW THE HELL DID I MISS THIS MOVIE WHEN IT CAME OUT?! I must rent this…ASAP.  And Heidi, I’m going to have to disagree about Marge’s shoulder popping & back bending – they’re far more entertaining & challenging than some of the moves in Tony & Kate’s Breakfast Club-themed foxtrot.   

Marianya: Interestingly enough, my friends and I are fans of Margaret Cho. What we agreed is that Margaret’s weight is directly relative to what type of work out she’s doing. So as amusing as I found the vid to be… I find this much more my taste for Margaret Cho, or even this one…. ;-) Whether Louis could integrate them into ballroom or use that to their advantage remains to be seen. :D

The verdict: Not much Marge can glean from her experiences in this movie…other than how to make us laugh like crazy, and have a good time while she’s doing it!

Next up: Kurt Warner, who did a little “Walk it Out” with Larry Fitzgerald at a charity basketball game in 2009:

Marianya: He’s got rhythm, he’s got music.. He is my man do I need to ask for anything more… Sorry I blame Courtney. Mildly entertaining, for a quarterback, at least he’s willing to put himself out there and have a bit of fun. *watches again* Ok… not really mildly entertaining, I can’t stop watching and rewatching and rewatching… ugh this is sad.

Heidi: LOOK OUT!! Kurt has got some rhythm!! :-) Again, highly amusing – but the fact that the guy doesn’t take himself too seriously might cause me to re-evaluate my ranking of him in this competition. Although he might bend his knees TOO much for Len.

Courtney: Calling it right now – if Kurt & Anna make it to the finale, “Walk it Out” will be their freestyle ;-) KIDDING!!!But yah – I love that the guy isn’t too uptight to do a little impromptu grooving at an event, in front of A LOT of people.  He, like the Hoff (and really Margaret too), may have an advantage in that he’s not afraid of embarassing himself.

The verdict: Kurt’s adorable – but he’s not gonna win any points with Len for “walking it out”…if anything, he may “walk it out” of the competition if he dances like this! 

Now Michael Bolton isn’t typically known for doing really any dancing in his videos – but this is the closest thing I could find.  Ladies, for your enjoyment, the Bolton classic “How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends”:

Courtney: W-O-W.  I had forgotten how music videos from the ’90s were so overwrought with emotion.  And is there a rule about being in Michael Bolton videos? Like you have to have long, permed hair or something? It’s a pretty loose definition of dancing, but Michael does the “I’m in emotional agony” clenched-fists-while-hitting-those-high-notes pretty damn well and he dips that mic stand like a pro.

Marianya: Is it bad that this song is in my playlist? Aren’t I a bit young to enjoy Michael Bolton effectively? Why the hell does he have long hair? Does he think that he’s a girl? Why do people throw their panties at people? How do they take their panties off to throw onto the stage? Do people strip on the spot to throw their panties and bras on the stage? Ok… yeeeaaaah…

Heidi: So, like, what was the deal with the little James Bond Homage in the middle of the video? And, like, where can I get a pink guitar. Also, like, was this before the miracle bra because these chicks need some help. I suddenly have, like, the urge to throw my panties at my computer. Like, why do I keep saying like?? Like I think I might be in the wrong decade, but who the hell knows?

Courtney: Marianya, don’t feel too bad – it’s on my iPod too, and my roommate my freshman year of college & I used to dance around to this before exams to get pumped up.  And as for the removal of undergarmets at concerts – a bra is pretty easy to remove without doffing one’s top.  The panties, I’m not quite sure how they pull that one off…is there such a thing as tear-away panties? On second thought – nobody answer that. ;-)

The verdict: Michael makes us want to scream, cry, and hurl our undergarmets at him – but he doesn’t really make us wanna dance.  Nope, not really. 

Looks like we’ve got a Situation on her hands – he and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast appeared in Enrique Iglesias’ latest video, “I Like It”…feel free to fast forward to the 2:34 mark, when the signature Jersey “fist pumping” begins:

Heidi: Shit, Enrique is HOT. How did I manage to ignore him for so long? Oh, right, I ignore pop music as a rule. :-) Was the Situation in this video? And what the hell is a Snookie? ;-) See my earlier comment about ignoring pop music – I’m also trying very hard to ignore MTV. Indie and classic rock all the way!!

Courtney: Am I the only one that finds this song downright awful? I think I’d rather get a root canal than listen to it voluntarily.  And yes, the Situation was the one in the lavender button-down (which was completely unbuttoned)leading the rest of those hoodlums in that challenging fist pump section.  Oh, and a Snooki is a low-calorie whipped dessert…according to Simon Cowell ;-)

Marianya: I had to watch the video several times because I was paying more attention to Enrique than to “the Situation”… Unlike Heidi, I listen to pop music, in the car trip between the ‘burbs and the city. He’s been hitting the circuit a lot… first SYTYCD, then AGT… wasn’t he on DWTS recently too?

The verdict: No Situation here – fist pumping is not going to win you the mirrorball trophy on DWTS.

And last but not least, we come to Bristol.  Ok, so maybe it’s not Bristol herself…but they say dance skills run in the family, right? ;-)

Marianya: I got not comment about the pick, but man I hope she isn’t as bratty as rumors are claiming that she is b/c I would rather prefer to be taken by surprised… ah que sera sera. I suppose they are wanting to egg on mama bear to protect her young… and that would bring in more drama. Poor Mark.

Heidi: Girl, it’s going to be hard enough to stay away from politics and the freakin’ train wreck that is Sarah Palin (she made up another new word this week – 5 point to the person who can tell me the word) without you putting up pictures of her on the site. :-) And remember, don’t punish the daughter for the sins of the mother. Just punish her for being a sucky dancer (if she is). :-)

Courtney: Well what the hell was I supposed to post, considering that the only videos I can find of Bristol online are of her walking or talking? :-P While I find this mildly amusing (if this ever happened in real life, I’d check to see if pigs were soaring in the skies above and if there was a forecast of snow in hell), shame on whoever defaced poor Karina’s body.  This is a pretty damn seamless photoshop job, though…I will say that.

The verdict: Bristol’s  just plain screwed, whatever way you look at it. Poor Mark.

Heidi: Hold UP a minute, Courtney, you forgot one. Rick Fox. :-)

Heidi: Personally, I’m a fan of ass dancing. Hee.

Courtney: Go Rick Fox, it’s your birthday, we gonna party like it’s your birthday…

Marianya: I don’t think it’s ass dancing as much as it’s ass bouncing. At least I prefer his bounce over Kyle’s… which on second thought isn’t a good thing either.

The verdict: Hope Rick’s got a strong caboose after doing all this bouncing…because Cheryl’s gonna whip that caboose into shape if not!

We hope you all enjoyed this journey of mediocre (and downright ridiculous) dancing as much as we did :-D For those of you wondering about Audrina and her suspicious absence – we just couldn’t find anything remotely dance-related that she’s done in the past.  So if you happen to be in possession of a video or photo of Audrina shaking her groove thing, please – do share ;-) We’ll even give you credit!

September 11, 2010 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS11 Preliminary Power Rankings – Part I

It’s that time of the year again! Time for me to do my preliminary power ranking of this season’s couples as a sort of prediction of how things will play out between now & November.  For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about (or just need a refresher from last season ;-) ), I do a weekly ranking of the couples after each performance show that is basically a measure of how likely they are to stick around that week.  Now this is NOT a ranking of who danced the best; we all know that just because a couple is at the top of the leaderboard, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re safe.  This is a far more comprehensive ranking – it takes into account not only a couple’s performance, but also how well-liked they are, how well-known they are, how strong their voting demographic is, how memorable they are, etc. 

I correctly predicted last season’s top 5 before the season even began – I’m hoping to best that this season by correctly predicting the top 6 ;-) But anywho, here’s my bottom half – the 6 couples I don’t think we should get too attached to, because I don’t foresee them sticking around for long…but there are always surprises!

 12.) Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino & Karina Smirnoff – I really did have high hopes for these two, but unfortunately I just think they have too many odds stacked against them to last past the first week – that is, unless The Sitch turns out to be a natural, because they haven’t even started practicing yet.  And they likely won’t until the week prior to the show, if what Karina’s tweeting is correct, since he’s wrapping up taping of the current season of Jersey Shore.  Speaking of that show – I’m on the fence as to whether it’s going to be a boon or a burden for him.  I said that I didn’t think Wildboyz & Jackass fans would tune in & vote for Steve-O, but he lasted until week 5…but I think Steve-O was also getting a bit of a sympathy vote from his recent stint in rehab.  I’m not sure there’s anything for voters to feel sympathetic about as far as Mike’s concerned.  And Jersey Shore is a really polarizing show – people either love it or hate it, so I hope to god that Mike is charming as can be if he wants to stick around.  Karina is a pro that seems equally as polarizing – people seem to either adore her or loathe her (I’m in the former camp), and I’m afraid that her voting fanbase is just not going to be able to compensate for any lack of votes on the part of his fans.  I hope to god that I’m wrong, because I really would like to see how these two do…but I’m preparing myself to see Mike join the infamous “first eliminees” club.

11.) Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer – The only reason I see these two lasting longer than Mike & Karina is Lacey’s fanbase: she seems to have a decent-sized one, and they seem to be the type that are very motivated to vote.  Echoing Heidi’s sentiments, Kyle is definitely the celebrity that has people going “Who?” this season – even co-workers of mine that have kids who watch Disney religiously were drawing a blank when I mentioned his name (and yes, for those of you who are new, I do use the ladies in my office as a sort of sample demographic – most are in their 30s & 40s with school-aged kids, which seems to be the biggest viewing demographic of the show).  As for his dance prowess, if Lacey’s tweets and the rehearsal pictures that have been released are any indicator, then Kyle seems to be a bit of an awkward mover – and a jokester, so Lacey may have a hard time getting him to focus.  Kyle may benefit slightly from the “mom” vote, but unless he’s really pretty good…I don’t think these two will last past the first few weeks.

10.) Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas – If Kate Gosselin’s longer-than-anyone-could-have-expected tenure on the show last season was any indicator, it’s that America loves controversial celebs – and I daresay Bristol has that position covered this season.  Just like Heidi, I don’t see her getting sent home any sooner than week 3 – heck, I could even see her lasting until week 4 or 5, at the expense of a better dancer.  I actually see her lasting longer if she’s exceptionally bad – just like viewers latch onto the best dancers, they also seem to enjoy keeping the bad ones around…everyone loves watching a train wreck.  Mark’s also got one of the bigger fanbases on the show, so even if people don’t particularly care for Bristol, they’ll vote to keep Mark in the game, especially since he was eliminated so early last season.  Judging from the rehearsal photos, it looks like Mark’s got his work cut out for him – Bristol definitely looks awkward.  She’s also been pretty quiet and mundane in the media, so I don’t think she’s gonna make a huge impression in anyone’s minds – unless she’s just a really bad dancer.  In which case, George Lopez may dub her this season’s Kate, and take it upon himself to campaign to keep her in…that fool.

9.) Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani –  There’s been a good amount of debate so far about whether Audrina’s gonna sink or swim…I’m leaning towards the former. Audrina’s done a little bit of modeling, and I don’t know of any dancing she’s done (besides what you do in a smoke-filled club), so I’m inclined to think that she’s gonna go more the route of Holly Madison and Kathy Ireland than Melissa Rycroft or Stacy Keibler.  Don’t get me wrong, she seems like a very sweet, pretty girl – a very sweet, pretty girl that’s not gonna make a whole lot of waves, good or bad.  And unless she’s got some hidden skills we don’t know about (superhuman flexibility, gymnastics, etc.), I doubt Tony’s choreography is going to really showcase her well.  As for voting power…I know The Hills had a cult-like following, but at the same time, just because someone likes that show doesn’t mean they necessarily like Audrina (I’ve known plenty who watched the show who absolutely despised her, for whatever reason).  And Tony’s gotten sent home fairly early before – I don’t think he has the voting fanbase to carry them both.  Oh well…at least she’ll look pretty in the costumes!

8.) Margaret Cho & Louis Van Amstel – No doubt, these two will be the comic relief this season.  I didn’t think anyone could top the hilarity of Niecy & Louis, but this very well may do it!  Do I think that Margaret is going to be a stellar dancer? Hell no, but neither was Niecy – I’m pretty sure she & Louis realized that pretty quickly, which is why they went to town working the comedy angle, and it worked for them.  Margaret is a well-known comedian, so I could see die hard fans of hers coming out to vote; Louis is a bit more of a wild card, as I don’t really know if he has the broad-spectrum appeal of Derek or Mark – he does, however, seem to have the support of the LGBT community (as does Margaret), which quite a powerful demographic.  I don’t think that alone (and their schtick) is going to carry them through to the midpoint of the competition, though, and I’m not sure there’s a whole lot for Louis to pull out of her in terms of real skill.  Margaret is also known to get a bit bawdy in her comedy – something I think she may have to reign in if she doesn’t want to risk offending a good part of the voting audience.  Overall, I think they’ll be fun to watch – but the humor will eventually wear thin and pale in comparison to better dancers and bigger fanbases.

7.) Michael Bolton & Chelsie Hightower – I know some people don’t really have high hopes for these two, but I think some people are really underestimating Michael’s appeal – I remember grown women & teenagers alike going CRAZY for this guy in the early 90s.  As in screaming, crying, and bra-throwing crazy.  And to be honest, the guy has aged pretty well – he’s definitely not terrible to look at (thank god he got rid of that ratty-ass hair!), and he’s still making music.  I would bet those same women from 20 years ago still carry a bit of a torch for him, and they will step up to the plate & vote.  As will the growing population of Chelsie fans – I think she’s all but filled in the role of the blonde, Mormon girl-next-door left vacant by Julianne.  Will Michael be one of the breakout dancers of this season? Meh – probably not.  But I do think he’ll make an honest effort, and I daresay he won’t be nearly as bad as some other guys.  And honestly, I’m actually starting to warm to the idea of he & Chelsie together…it doesn’t seem like quite the odd couple that it first appeared, especially when you compare them to Ashly & Buzz (which, oddly enough, seemed to work as well).  I honestly vacillated between putting them at 6th or 7th – and I still think they could potentially make it to the top half of the pack.  But I think it’ll hinge upon how the couple I placed at #6 does…

…and with that, I give you the first half of my pre-season power rankings ;-) Curious about who I have making it to the finale, and who I have taking home the mirrorball trophy? Then stay tuned for part II…and I’ll give you a hint: my winner is different from the one Heidi predicted ;-)

September 9, 2010 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!

DWTS Season 11 Cast Rumor – Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

Please. God. No. Not the Jersey Shore and especially not Mike Sorrentino. Surely the producers would never consider such a thing!! Maybe MTV won’t let him? Now, before you pooh pooh me, remember how the Kate Gosselin rumors started? In exactly this same way, with Leno being the first to mention it.

July 6, 2010 I Written By

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Two degrees in geology also means I love BEER. :-) I'm also a Derek lover - proud of that too. So don't scream at those of us on this site and call us a bunch of "biased Derek-lovers" - it's just ME. :-) It may sound like I hate DWTS at times, but really, I'm just a snarky nitpicker from way back. And I'm cynical and jaded too. But I do love DWTS. :-)

DWTS10 Finale – The Cheesecake Awards!!!

*sniff* Sorry for the delay, kids – this week’s awards were a little bittersweet for Heidi & I, since they’re the last chance we’re going to be able to nitpick & snark until September :-( But better late than never, eh? With 3 hours of nonstop ridiculousness to pull from this week, we definitely had a lot of material to work with – and I like to think we’ve really outdone ourselves this time :-D So please – sit back, relax, and savor your last piece of cheesecake from season 10!

Best Impersonation of a Jersey Shore cast member: Brooke’s Snooki-inspired pouffy hair
Courtney: I can’t recall a hairstyle in the show’s history that was more talked-about than this one (not even Karina’s mullet!).  Thank goodness Heidi & I weren’t the only ones that were totally distracted by Brooke’s sky-high Bump-It pouff on Monday night.  And with a headband? Totally ridiculous…send her hairstylist back to Jersey, PLEASE! In fact, this pouff could have actually rivaled Snooki’s in its size…looks like J-Woww, Pauly D, and the Situation are all fist pumping under there. 

Heidi: I think Voldemort was under there. Maybe that’s why she’s improved so much – he’s controlling her. :-)

Biggest Exercise in Futility: Kate’s encore performance of her paso doble, and subsequent hustle to “I Will Survive”; (dis)honorable mention for Evan & Anna and Erin & Maks unsuccessful use of outside choreography for their freestyles
Courtney: A question for whoever had the bright idea to put Kate front & center in the opening number: did you really think she was gonna pull off the simple act of walking with a feather thingie successfully? Because she managed to botch that completely.  And the paso was terrible the first time around – did we really need to relive it, as if to confirm “Yep, Kate really is a bad dancer!” The feeble hustle that ended with her being lifted up in a cherry-picker at the end? I guess we should be thankful that it was less hustle and more just Kate being lifted.  At least she seemed to be having fun.  And after the two mediocre freestyles from the couples that used outside assistance, I reiterate: the further you go outside of your comfort zone and into something that you’re unfamiliar with, the more clueless & uncomfortable you look.  Stick with what works.

Heidi: Dude, she was downright creepy, what with the way she was “flying” and the way she was lit.  Eeep!! As for the outside choreography…well, I guess I kinda understand it *in theory*, but at that point in the season the dancers know each other (and their strengths and weaknesses) so well, that it seems to me that an outsider would mess with that.
  
Most Interesting Double Entendre: Maks’ excuse for the mess-ups on the bed – “That wasn’t the bed we rehearsed on!”
Courtney: I still can’t decide if he said this in earnest, or deliberately threw out something saucy like this.  He only dug himself further into a hole with his follow-up comment on GMA yesterday morning: “The first time we did it on the bed, she went flying off!” Oh jeebus…

Heidi: I’m tempted to make a crack about you giving Maks too much credit for superb innuendo. :-)  But it beats me if he was earnest or not.  Better was Tom’s reaction to it last night – making a big O with his arms and yelling “over sharing!!!”

Courtney: Eh, I’m leaning more towards the former – that he was just flustered and blurted it out without thinking – but Maks does have interesting ways of getting attention…maybe he actually thought of it beforehand and had it in his verbal arsenal just incase ;-)
  
The “Denial is not just a river in Egypt” award: Nicole & Derek’s vehement denial of there being anything going on between them romantically
Courtney: Ok, first there was the armpit sniffing and gum sharing.  Then the strange neck caressing.  And then, after an overtly sexual rumba, they pan to Nicole’s boyfriend in the audience – and he is NOT a happy camper.  And after a juicy bit of insider info that I heard a few days ago, I am almost 100% certain that SOMETHING has gone on between these two. 

Heidi: You forgot that she jumped on top of him in happiness – not only that, but she was running her hand over his hair and kissing on him.  More than anything it’s the hands in the hair thing and the multiple times she wrapped her legs around him. :-) And Derek keeps picking her up.
  
Biggest Accident Waiting to Happen: Erin nearly taking Maks out during the infamous jump off the stage in the their Argentine tango
Courtney: Maybe she overshot it a bit, maybe he wasn’t quite grounded enough – maybe a combination of both.  But for a second, Maks wavered, and I was worried that they both were going to topple.  Seriously – that is one dangerous lift! I don’t blame Erin for being apprehensive…

Heidi: I gasped – thought they were going all the way to the judges.
 
Best “Hairstyle on a Budget”: Nicole’s banana claw for the rumba
Courtney: Prior to their rumba, I was like “Really, hair people? First you Snookify Brooke, now you’re scrimping on Nicole and sticking her with a $2 Goody banana clip from the drugstore? You could at least bedazzle that thing, jeez!” Then I saw the rumba…and I was like “Ahhhh. I think I need to invest in some banana clips.”

Heidi: LOL – I was gonna say, nothing says “We’ve done it” more than a practiced hair loosening. Ya see, it’s the subtle little moves like that that make me go “Ahhh…I want some of that kind of action please.”
  
Best Intro for a Returning Celeb Dance: Tom’s description of Pam’s performance – “Pamela Anderson…and some guys.”
Courtney: Oh Pam – I knew you would make a triumphant return to the floor in your own steamy way! And she really did upstage all three of them, slinking around in that corset and fishnets.  Leave it to Tom to summarize it best…I’m gonna miss you till September, Tom Bergeron :-(

Heidi: Follow him on Twitter – hilarious. He and Melissa Rycroft have some weird relationship. He used her as a paparazzi shield monday night and then pseudo apologized on Twitter.  Anyway, Pam didn’t just upstage them, she ROLLED across them.  Wowza!!
 
The Candid Camera Award: Evan & Anna’s unhappy expressions in the dressing room; (dis)honorable mention for Anna clearly mouthing the f-word at the end of Monday night’s show
Courtney: Now we’ve all seen what kind of damage can be done when the couples know the camera is running during their practice sessions.  But the real fun happens when they DON’T know the camera is on them – like finale night, when they showed Nicole & Derek backstage energetically practicing their jive, and then panned to the adjacent room where Evan & Anna were sitting – glumly, like someone had killed their dog – or they were about to kill each other. Now before anyone can say “But they felt defeated after Len told Nicole she should win!”, keep in mind this was BEFORE Len said that, as neither of them had performed their final dance yet.  Not sure what they were so upset about, but someone must have told them to perk up, because they next time they showed them backstage, they were all smiles.  As for Anna’s pottymouth moment, it’s at the very end of Monday night’s show, when they’re going through the scoreboard – they pan to Evan & Anna as they’re saying “And at the bottom of the leaderboard…” and Anna looks over her right shoulder and says “F&%!” It actually made me laugh – if I were on the show, I would probably have the censors taking beta blockers, they’d be bleeping me so much…nice to know the pros slip up from time to time, too;-)

Heidi: That was striking, them sitting there. I was like, what the hell??  But at the end of the results show, when Mark picks Derek up, I’m pretty sure he lets out an involuntary “shit” of surprise – or it was my high def making the audio cut out. Buncha potty mouths. :-)
 

Best Wardrobe Malfunction Waiting to Happen – Brooke Burke and her gold Mummy dress
Heidi: When she went to talk to the final two and she actually SAT DOWN – I actually held my breath to see if the dress would bust in a strategic spot. :-) I was oddly disappointed when it held together. Seriously, they work so hard to keep the dancers in their dresses wouldn’t it be freakin’ hilarious if Brooke busted (heh) out of hers?? Anyway, she gave a whole new meaning to the words Golden Globes.

Courtney: That dress just confused me.  It was some crazy patchwork concoction – like someone didn’t have enough of any one type of fabric to make a dress, so they just combined scraps they had laying around.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually think I liked Samantha’s dresses better than some of the ones Brooke has worn. 
 
 
Tom Bergeron Line O’ The Night: “Hey Kate, while you’re up there, sing ‘Don’t Cry for me Argentina’”
Heidi: I think I actually guffawed. I don’t even know what that actually sounds like, but I’m pretty sure I did it. :-)

Courtney: Eva Peron > Kate Gosselin.  *shudder* Somehow I think that Kate would actually be a worse singer than she is a dancer (and I think we’ve already established that she is a TERRIBLE dancer!) Tom, don’t give Kate any ideas – next thing you know, the tabloids will have her auditioning for Broadway!

Hugest Disservice to an American Hero – Buzz and his strange space suit, complete with Green Lasers
Heidi: Really DWTS Wardrobe??  Really? Talk about cheesy!! Holy hell.  And Star Wars? It also lasted about ten minutes too long. :-)

Courtney: Ugh.  Enough with the space suits and references to his astronaut background.  Although I have to wonder if Buzz had some say in what he wanted to do – the man does wear a lot of NASA shirts…

Biggest Piece of Cheese I’m Most Ashamed to Admit that I Thought was Kinda Cool – The “Mirrorball Cage In Which Nicole and Evan Descended from the Ceiling.
Heidi:: I’m so ashamed. Between that and the fog, I was like “Coooool”.  :::sigh:::

Courtney: My DVR cut that part out. Thank goodness!
  
Best Self Impersonation – Derek Hough, Describing his Reaction to Almost Dropping Nicole
Heidi: So nice to see these two so relaxed. Ahem. :-) Relaxed. 

Courtney: DVR cut out on this one too…so I’ll just take your word for it ;-)

Heidi: I’ll post it. It’s actually pretty funny. Apparently there was a lot of dialog during that dance and it was Derek who screwed it up. The dance, not the dialog.

Worst Opening Sequence in the History of the Show: Tuesday Night
Heidi: Is it just me or was that a craptastic opening dance?  Did you see Kate walking along the edge of the dance floor trying to find her spot?? Did you notice Derek’s “I’m so going to puke” face?? LOL

Courtney: Another group number that looked like it was thrown together at the last possible moment.  Lots of confused choreography, dittoed costumes, and pained expressions. I think the feather thingies were meant to distract us from a clearly terrible performance – some very wise production assistant must have plucked them from the prop closet & suggested they reuse them from the female pros’ opening dancing last season.  If I were one of the producers, that production assistant would be promoted to creative director! Haha.

The “I’m So Uncomfortable Watching This” Award: Kate Gosselin informing Tony That She’s Controversial “You know”
Heidi: Um, ick? I can’t decide if it was mean of the producers to show that, or stupid of Kate to seem oddly proud of it.

Courtney: I think what bothered me most was the way she said the word “controversial”.  She put too much emphasis on the “i” – “controverSEE-al”. Like she wanted to make it sound more high-class or something.  Honey, if you have to tell us that you’re controverSEE-al – then you’re just fishing.
Moment I Expected To Be Supremely Craptastic: Vienna Dancing
Heidi: Why wasn’t she on the show?? She’s way better than Jake. I was surprised how well she did with Dmitry, then not surprised when with Jake everything got…stiff. Pardon the expression. :-) Jake turns everything Cheesy.

Courtney: Jake is a goober.  And Vienna was alright – but she still looks like she has no clue what is going on around her.  Totally blank expression.  Dude, at least Tenley had more facial expressions than just “confused”.

Heidi: :::gasp:::  Did YOU watch the Bachelor?!?!  Come sit with me in the hall of shame, girly. :-)

Courtney: Eh, I saw some of the finale…CSI must have been a rerun that night.  It was like a train wreck in progress -  terrible, but you just can’t seem to avert your eyes!
  
Surest Sign that Len’s Meds Need Adjusting: Telling Nicole She Should Win BEFORE Evan Even Danced
Heidi: I’m a Derek/Nicole fan and I have to say that was shitty. Super Shitty. I groaned out loud.  

Courtney: Call me insensitive, but it actually didn’t bother me too badly – granted, I was really surprised Len actually said it, but at that point I think it was just getting too obvious that Nicole was miles ahead of Evan. And I think you mentioned it earlier, but Len may have thought that Nicole wasn’t going to win – and hence was trying to soften the blow a bit…even if he went about it in a rather uncouth way.  Or maybe he just got sick of all of the storyboarding, and the fakey “OMG! It’s anyone’s game!” schtick, and this was his geriatric way of rebelling.  It seemed to bother Anna more than it bothered Evan – that boy is sweet as pie and totally laid back, so he probably didn’t give it much of a second thought. Good for him :-)

Biggest “Oh no you didn’t!” Moment: Kelly Monaco calling Alec the Iceman
Heidi: Geez, maybe it’s true but can you be ANY more unprofessional, bitch?

Courtney: My guess is that ABC cited some obscure line in her contract from the original season that forced her to attend – because she made it abundantly clear that she really didn’t have any desire to be there.  Maybe she was cranky cause her character’s boytoy on General Hospital just got sent to prison. No sex scenes for Sam McCall for awhile…I’d be cranky too!  But I gotta give her props for saying out loud (on national television) what we’ve been saying all along – Alec is totally blah.

Tom Bergeron Line O’ The Night, Take Two: “I’ll Never Get Tired of Seeing You Do That”, when imitating Maks jumping tantrum
Heidi: If anyone can bring Maks down to size, it’s Tom Bergeron. LOL

Courtney: Somehow, I don’t think that’s the last we’ll see of the clip of Maks jumping up and down like a toddler who wants candy at the grocery store.  I have a feeling it will resurface in subsequent seasons when they’re doing background videos of the pros.  Congrats, Maks – your tantrum is now cemented in the annals of DWTS history. :-)

*sigh* Well, we hope you guys have enjoyed your weekly helpings of cheesecake this season as much as we’ve enjoyed dishing them out. The Heidi & Courtney Bitchin’ Kitchen may be closed for the season, but will reopen for business again in September for another fun-filled season of snark ;-)  Until then, please  do continue to lurk! Pure DWTS doesn’t go on summer vacay – we’ll still be keeping up with the latest casting rumors, post-season media appearances, pro gossip, and who knows what else! It promises to be a good time…so stay tuned!

May 27, 2010 I Written By

Ultrasound sales specialist by day, semi-knowledgeable DWTS fan by night...with a smattering of hair & makeup enthusiast, occasional model, and crazy cat lady peppered in to make things REALLY interesting ;-) I might pee my pants in happiness if Donnie Wahlberg ever does DWTS - or if they ever use "Sunglasses at Night" as a paso doble. Check out some of my other work at pureamericasgottalent.com!